


Mångata (Moon Road)

by JamesHope



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Anal Sex, Avengers Family, Child Loss, Fugitives, Gay, James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes Big Bang, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Love, M/M, Miscarriage, Muteness, Oral Sex, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Punishment, Rape/Non-con Elements, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-15 09:41:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 80
Words: 100,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14788082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesHope/pseuds/JamesHope
Summary: Loki gets severly punished for his crimes and gets send to the dungeons where he gets beaten, raped and tortured. When Odin gets tired of him he gets banished to earth and his life as a fugitive begins. He doesn't go unnoticed for long though as J.A.R.V.I.S. picks up on him, leading to Tony taking him in.OrThe story of how Tony, Bucky and Steve take care of Loki day and night to keep him alive after his abuse on Asgard and begin a long road of recovery.(CONTENT / TRIGGER WARNING : please read the tags and know this could be a triggering story for some. Themes include : torture, rape, child-loss, PTSD, trauma, whump, blood, explicit details, mutism, anxiety, being underweight etc)





	1. You are unworthy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All characters are based on their movie appearances so Loki has blue eys in this etc.

“You are unworthy of the loved ones you have betrayed!” Odin’s voice beamed through the great hall, so powerful and loud that it sent shivers down Loki’s spine. But it is not the tone that hurt most, it’s the words that were yelled at him that made his stomach drop and form a knot, resulting in him casting his gaze down so no one would see the tears forming in his eyes. 

When the God shifted his piercing blue eyes up again they were icy cold, his posture now straight and hands calmly in front of him instead of nervously fidgeting with the cuffs around his wrists. He couldn’t show weakness, he couldn’t show how much his not-father’s words truly got to him. Loki only wanted to make the people of Asgard proud, he had wanted to show them he, too, could be a great warrior like Thor and lead an army into battle. 

However, his return was everything except welcoming, civilians looked at him in terror, guards gave him nasty looks, and Frigga.. Frigga looked disappointed. He knew his entire plan was one big failure as the Chitauri did not obey him like they promised but made him obey them instead. He had hoped someone would believe him, but after all, who would believe the God of lies upon returning home with such a story?

“Loki, you betrayed Asgard by letting Frost Giants enter this realm, you betrayed Asgard again by siding with the Chitauri, you endangered our allies in Midgard and you attacked an innocent planet. Your many crimes are beyond comprehension and normally I would have a criminal like yourself be executed. But since you are my son I sentence you to a lifetime in the dungeons. Now go, I don’t want to see your face ever again.” 

And with those final words Odin made his staff connect with the floor before leaning back in his throne, his gaze already turned away.  
Loki was violently yanked backwards by two guards holding the chains around his waist and he had no choice but to follow obediently though he felt like he was being wrongfully treated. The disgust in Odin’s voice as he had said the word ‘son’ did not go unnoticed and as soon as Loki was pushed inside the cell he created an illusion barrier around him and collapsed against the wall, tears now freely rolling down his cheeks as he let himself sob loudly, knowing no one could hear or see him due to his spell. 

He may look like a confident, strong and indifferent God on the outside but deep inside he was no more than a boy trying to make his parents and brother proud, looking for some pride and recognition from others. Over the years he had perfected this act. 

He always kept a composed and straight face with the occasional grin thrown in there, kept his shoulders straight and chin high, his gate quick and determined and his words cold and coordinated. Thor and Frigga seemed the only people in all nine realms who sometimes were able to see past all that. His brother defended him whenever he was caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing, claiming Loki to be just a bit playful and convincing them he was good at heart. It were words he didn’t want to hear but they did get him out of trouble, though with a little gash in his pride. 

With Frigga it was the way she gave him those soft smiles, just a hint of pain lingering around the edges and that tiny shimmer of compassion in her gentle eyes. Loki hated it. He hated that after all his effort they could still breach his defenses and graze the outer layer of his weaknesses. It left him feeling vulnerable and try even harder to build a wall around himself. 

Loki angrily fisted his hands in his shoulder-length black hair at the thoughts rushing through his mind. All these memories of him perfecting the shield around his core and here he was crying like a three year old who was denied candy. He was up on his feet in an instant and started throwing around pieces of furniture in a blind haze of anger. He was not going to break. 

When the depth of his defeat and awaiting punishment finally seemed to settle in something inside of him snapped, or rather, clicked in place. The God suddenly stood completely still, his ragged breathing slowing down impossibly quick until he looked like a statue. For the first time in years he felt an overwhelming calmness wash over him until not only his eyes but now also his mind, muscles, blood, everything were engulfed in a cold wave. 

His body seemed to move without him even telling it anything and he nonchalantly stepped over the chattered pieces of wood before settling down on the bed in the middle of the room, his jaw clenched shut and eyes staring at nothing.


	2. Dungeons

“So,” A guard spoke as he and an other guard stood before Loki in his cell, “Odin told us, or rather, gave us the order to execute any punishment we would deem appropriate. Oh, how I’ve waited for this moment, for you to finally pay for all your mischief. After all these years of Odin throwing a blind eye he has finally grown tired of your acts, Odinson.” 

Loki drilled his eyes into the two guards’ skulls but didn’t show a single emotion and tried to ignore the edge of amusement and disgust in the words reaching his ears. One of the men stepped forward and slapped Loki across the face, hard. “I know what you are. News spreads around the palace quickly you know. Everyone in here is aware you’re nothing more than a monster.” 

A powerful green blast shot through the room, striking the second guard and smacking him against the floor. By the time he had scrambled back on his feet, the guard who was spitting words at Loki just a moment earlier had taken a few steps back, both now further away from him. “Ah yes, the Allfather told us to be careful as they have not taken away your magic. Something about it killing you in the longer run, blah, blah.” 

Loki suddenly felt a sword pressed against the side of his neck, dangerously close to the important artery running there. It was the guard he had struck down, anger now flashing across his dark eyes. “I wouldn’t pull another stunt like that, monster, or you will be begging for mercy way sooner than you probably anticipated.” 

Loki merely raised an eyebrow, unimpressed by the shorter man’s threats, he did however try to very slowly pull his neck away from the sharp edge digging into his pale skin. They made quick work of binding his wrists and ankles together, confusing the God. “You thought you would be staying in this comfortable cell? No, no, no. You are going to the actual dungeon, far away from light and life.” 

He was blindfolded and their walk began. It seemed to go on and on, every time Loki thought they couldn’t go any further into the palace they made another turn and kept walking. The noise of the cells had long left them, the only sound now being the rhythmic footsteps of the three of them and the occasional rattle of chains. With his sight taken away he had absolutely no idea where they were. Even without the blindfold Loki would probably still not know it for he wasn’t even aware there were other dungeons than the cells downstairs. 

The mindless pattern of their walking came to an abrupt stop as he was turned around and shoved inside what he presumed to be his new cell. Unable to break his fall with his tied up hands, his knees painfully hit the floor, followed by his head as his ribcage made a loud thud against the cold, hard floor. Before he could catch his breath he was pulled up into a sitting position and the blindfold was removed. Loki tried his best to scan his environment but the only light came from a tiny hole at the far end of the wall. 

'Is this a…cave?' He frowned at that but didn’t have much time to ponder as he was pulled sideways this time, making his body smack against the dirt again. To his surprise he felt a cold and thick metal band being secured around his neck and immediately gasped in panic as he felt his magic being dangerously suppressed. 

“Don’t worry, it let’s you keep enough magic to keep you alive. A pity really. Now let’s get you out of these clothes. You don’t deserve to wear such luxurious and expensive attire.” The guard chuckled darkly has he removed the restrains around Loki’s body.

Loki was up in a second, now free from any chains he could at least move freely. And even though the collar barely left any magic in his body he was still a skilled fighter. He was a God, a prince ! “I refuse. You shall not touch a son of Odin in such unrespectful manners.” 

The guards burst out laughing after giving each other a baffled look and started walking towards Loki who had his back now pressed against one of the cold and damp walls. “The thing is, you are no son of Odin. You are nothing more than a criminal and a monster. You have no rights and you will do as told or you will find out that obeying is the only choice you’ve got the hard way.”  
He wasn’t going to give in, not without a fight so he straightened his back before pushing himself off of the wall with his foot but before he even reached the guards he felt a huge shock run through the collar and lost consciousness as his body collided with the ground beneath him.


	3. Humiliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sketch for this chapter :
> 
>  
> 
> [https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338403649/mångata-chapter-3](https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338403649/m%C3%A5ngata-chapter-3) " />

A painful ache throbbing throughout his entire body was the first thing Loki noticed as he slowly regained consciousness. It took him a moment to remember where he was but as his fingers slid over the cold dirt of the cave the memories came back to him. It took him actual effort of his muscles to push himself up, now almost completely stripped from his magic… and from his clothes. 

As he looked down he was only met with a white tunic covering his upper body and a black pair of pants wrapped around his legs. As he moved his hands to rest on his abdomen he felt heavy cuffs weighing down on his wrists. The thick metal cuffs were attached to a long chain that was in turn attached to the wall behind him. 

It was a relatively big cell (cave?) he noticed. It took some time to adjust to the dark but after a while he could see all the way to the back of the room about 20 feet away from where he was sitting against the hard wall. There were big hoops attached to the ceiling in a random pattern and some more hoops on the walls at different heights, all to secure prisoners to, no doubt. The only other thing in the room was a wooden table with a bench on each side, big enough to fit four people in total. 

It was dirty, dried up blood streaks at the edges making Loki turn his head the other way. His eyes caught something moving but he was met with relief when it was just the faint sunlight catching the water droplets slowly running down the rough walls. He soon wished he hadn’t noticed the water because it made him painfully aware of his full bladder. Though he was certain he hadn’t seen anything resembling a toilet he let his eyes go around the cave again but no success. 

'I am not peeing against a wall'. The chains were fairly long but only allowed him to move ten feet away from where they were secured to the metal hoop, not even far enough to reach the table so he was not going to pee so closely to where he was forced to stay. Loki decided to just use magic, as he had done so many times before when he was too lazy to actually go to the toilet. 

He didn’t need much concentration for spells like these as they were but a child’s play to him, however when he tried to summon his magic it made his body collapse, going from a sitting position to a curled up ball on the floor. He yanked at the collar in frustration, only making the jagged edges cut into his skin. They had told him it only left a bit of magic but he expected it to be at least enough to perform such little spells. Oh, was he wrong.

He stayed down on the ground this time, exhausted from the lack of magic forcing him to function almost like a weak mortal. The only thing he could do was stretch his legs to relief some pressure from his bladder but he knew he couldn’t hold it for that much longer. 

Just as he was starting to relax a bit and let his mind busy itself with other thoughts the door to the cave opened with a loud groan and the same guards as the previous day stepped in before closing it again. “How are we doing, princess,” The taller of the two mocked. They waisted no time and pulled Loki up on his feet who clenched his legs together at the uncomfortable feeling in his lower abdomen, hoping the guards wouldn’t notice. 

“Stay.” The shorter one now said before they headed to the table, starting to lay out the contents of the tray they brought. Loki wasn’t hungry but the sound of the guards filling their cups made him wince. “What’s wrong?” One of them said with a fake pout. “Does your highness require something?” They burst out laughing again and were now both turned towards Loki, munching on their food inelegantly. 

“Actually, I need to use the restroom.” Loki said as confidently as possible, trying not to give away how urgently he had to go. The shorter guard with the black tattoos on his head simply huffed and made a gesture towards the corner and turned his back to Loki, “Go ahead. We won’t look” he scoffed and started digging into the plate of food again. 

“This is ridiculous ! I am not doing such a thing !” Loki now angrily spat, voice slightly raised. However, he quickly shut his mouth as both guards simultaneously stood up and made their way over to him, still chewing on some food and cups still held loosely in their hands. “Fine. Let’s see how long you can hold it in then.” 

It was the taller male that spoke this time. As he came to stand in front of Loki, face dangerously close, hatred was all the God could read in his features. A surprised gasp escaped him as he suddenly felt the cold water being poured over him. Loki ducked his head and watched as the liquid dripped from his soft curling locks and felt how it was soaking his shirt. 'Fuck. Fuck. Fuck'. He silently cursed. 

The water ran down his back and over his shoulders, into his hair. Right as the flow stopped the second guard also dumped his cup over Loki’s head before harshly gripping his chin and forcing him to look up and stand straight again. The look in the guy’s eyes were joyful. These sick idiots are enjoying this. Loki noted but suddenly an even more panicked look flashed across his face and a soft choked up sound formed in his throat. 

He closed his eyes tightly right after seeing the guard’s gaze shifting down. “He actually did it. He actually peed himself.” The room was engulfed in their laughter but all Loki could focus on was the cheer humiliation in the pit of his stomach and the warm fluid now running down his legs.


	4. Punishment

Loki was pacing back and forth in the cave, trying to ignore the wetness of his clothes as the muscles in his legs rubbed together with every step. After his humiliating ordeal of yesterday he had taken off his pants and tried washing them with the scarce supply of water he could collect from the walls but due to the humidity and coldness in the cave his clothes hadn’t dried yet and the wet fabric was uncomfortable against his skin. For possibly the first time in his life he was grateful for his Jötun genes though for they made him quite resistant to the cold temperature surrounding him, the thin layer of clothes not providing much warmth, if any at all.

He ran his fingers through his thick hair while he walked around, untangling the knots already forming with no servants washing and brushing his hair daily. His eyes involuntarily rolled in their sockets at the thoughts of his life in the palace. It was nice having such luxury but he never stopped to think about it. 

It all came natural to him and it is all he has known since the day he was born. After all it was his birthright, no matter if his father was Odin or Laufey, he was a prince. He felt everything except like a prince now though. He felt like an unwanted dog who was chained outside and forgotten about. He let himself sink against the wall with a soft sigh and carefully stretched his long legs forward, trying not to rub against the harsh surface with his back or legs while doing so. 

A hand made its way down to lie on his growling stomach. Loki would never admit it but he was proud of his abs. He had always been skinny as a kid and now having this much muscle definition made him feel more powerful. His muscles painfully clenched together though when he became aware of how hungry he was, not having had anything to eat in over fifty hours, making him feel a little light-headed. 

As if the walls could read his thoughts the door opened and a guard came in, not one of the two who had escorted him here but someone he hadn’t seen before, but then again it’s not like he actually paid any attention to the guards before. A tray of food was slowly pushed in his direction, the man keeping his eyes fixed on Loki as a precaution before he stood back up from his crouching position and took a few steps back, now looking at the chained guy in front of him with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Eat.” Was all he said. Loki tried to subtly use some magic to see if the food had anything off about it but it cost him a huge amount of effort, leaving him breathing a bit too quickly for his own comfort. He finally gave in to his hunger and started slowly eating the goo. It was something similar to oatmeal, bland and sad. Loki felt uncomfortable eating under the guard’s gaze but he didn’t have much choice and thus brought the spoon to his lips. 

His breathing had calmed and the semi-warm food gave him a relaxed feeling as his stomach finally filled up more. “All of it.” The voice startled him as he was lost in relishing the feeling. Loki looked up, a sassy frown between his eyebrows. “I’ve had enough” he stated with a coldness to his voice. Normally guards were not allowed to look at them when they dined in the great hall, let alone give orders regarding the food so Loki was a bit taken aback, not used to the reversed roles yet and confident enough that the guards wouldn’t dare do him any actual harm and that they would keep their punishments light. 

Boy, was he wrong, again. In an instant the larger male was crouched before him, closer than the first time as if his cautiousness of earlier had vanished. The spoon was roughly pulled out of his hand and just a second later it was slammed down into his mouth, painfully scratching his shut lips in the process. Loki tried not to choke as the thick paste slid down his throat and managed to shove the guard back with his hands. 

“What the fuck !” he yelled angrily, quickly wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “How dare you ! How dare you do such a th-“ before he could answer the guard and lunged forward and had his big hand wrapped around Loki’s neck tightly as his other hand went back to shoving spoonfuls of food in his mouth, making him gag and sputter but the man didn’t slow down once until the tray was empty. 

“I told you, all of it.” The guard growled before pushing Loki’s neck away from him with a strong movement, making his head smack against the rough wall behind him. The raven black hair fell around his face as he dropped his head, eyes pressed shut because of the pain. When he finally reopened them after a moment of regaining his composure his sight was blurry. 

I must have hit my head pretty hard. He thought to himself but even after blinking a few times the focus didn’t come back and it was then that he noticed his hands trembling and his skin starting to burn hot, a few beads of sweat already rolling down his back. 

'He drugged the food. Of course he did. I fucking knew it'. Loki wanted to curse his lack of magic for not being able to detect the extra substance but he couldn’t think straight, his mind just one big cloud now. The footsteps approaching him made his heart race but he didn’t even have the coordination to move his body so all he could do was just sit there, letting the wall support his body. 

“Now let’s have some fun, shall we? It’s just me and you today and I can punish you how I see fit… Odin’s orders.”


	5. First time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sketch for this chapter :
> 
> [https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338330989/mångata-chapter-5](https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338330989/m%C3%A5ngata-chapter-5) " />

A soft whimper involuntarily left him as the guard lifted his chin up. Loki was slightly panting, lips parted and eyes glossy as he squirmed a bit, uncomfortable due to the heat engulfing his body. As if being drugged wasn’t bad enough the heat made him feel even weaker due to his Jötun genes. 

He desperately tried to change into his Frost Giant form but his body wasn’t reacting so all he could do was press his back against the cold wall as much as possible to get the slightest bit of relief. It didn’t last long though as he was pulled up by the man in front of him who had said something about ‘moving things to the table’ but the words didn’t register in his brain. 

As soon as the guard let go of Loki to detach the chain from the wall the God’s legs gave out and he stumble forward, only being caught just in time before he would fall face first into the dirt again. “Throwing yourself at me already?” the guard chuckled darkly as he now support Loki with an arm wrapped around his waist while the other hand made quick work of the chain. 

“Come on.” He said as he half dragged – half carried the limp body to the table before placing it down a bit harder than necessary. Loki’s mind was in complete panic. He had never done any sexual act, only having turned eighteen (in mortal years) recently. 

But despite the instinct to fight back or flee his body betrayed him, lying on the table unresponsively, the only moving being the occasional twitching and squirming due to the combination of heat, lightheadedness and sensitivity taking over every inch of skin.

“You will address me as ‘Sir’, and ‘Sir’ only. Understood?” Loki didn’t answer. Wrong choice apparently as he felt a hard slap against his cheek. “I asked you something.” He only dared nodding, too scared to even speak but luckily the guard seemed satisfied with the gesture and pulled Loki to the edge of the table so his legs were hanging off. 

The man climbed on top of the wooden surface, a leg on each side of his victim’s head and pulled out his cock without further ado. “You’re going to suck. Nice and gentle, if you even dare use your teeth you’re going to regret it big time.” 

Loki tried swallowing some of his own spit but the position he was in and the numbness of his muscles made it hard and he just ended up lying completely still, turning his big and wet eyes upwards with a pleading look hoping to receive some mercy but it had no effect on the man hoovering over him as he was met with a cock being pushed past his lips with force. 

He did his best to breathe through his panic and not choke on the big size while trying to keep his teeth as far away from the flesh as possible. “That’s it. Gosh your mouth is so hot and wet” the guard groaned, mainly to himself. 

Loki had closed his eyes, attempting to block out the dull ache around his lips. This was not how he had imagined his first sexual activities with anyone. He had wanted it to be simple yet soft and gentle not while being drugged and raped by a stranger in a dungeon. He couldn’t stop himself as tears started rolling down and a sob left him, probably barely loud enough to be heard as his mouth was completely filled. 

The movement however had accidentally made him shut his jaws a bit and another wave of panic hit him as he realized what he had just done. “Fuck ! You idiot !” the man yelled at him as he pulled out his cock, leaving Loki gasping for air and jerking on the table as he coughed. He didn’t even have time to catch his breath as his body was flipped around and pressed against the table. 

The cool wooden surface against his abdomen and cheek were nice, taking away the slightest bit of heat radiating from his skin. But suddenly a new source of heat was added to the already scorching one and he cried out as a palm smacked across his ass, the force pushing him forward a bit, making his upper thighs collide with the edge of the table. “I told you to watch your teeth and you basically bit me !” Another smack hit him, just as hard, if not harder, than the first one and more sobs left Loki’s mouth. 

“Please, Sir ! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean t-“ Smack. Another, and another, and another until he was just a crying mess. He didn’t feel anything except for the burning heat on his ass and would do anything in the world to make it stop. But just as quickly as it started the hits stopped again. 

Loki felt a weight on his body and a voice now right next to his ear. “That will teach you a lesson” the man said as he grabbed a handful of the black hair beneath him and started grinding his erection against Loki’s ass. “Now you’re going to let me fuck you like the slut you are. You’re good for nothing but pleasing the desires of anyone who wishes.” 

The weight on his back disappeared and Loki, despite the huge amount of dizziness and nervousness rushing through his body, whimpered. A hand trailed lazily against his ribs before it slid down to his lower back and remained there. 

Soon the room was filled with a deafening scream as the guard pushed his cock between Loki’s buttcheeks, way too quickly and without any preparation or lube. He could feel his skin tearing and the pain of having the cock push into him almost made him vomit. Frantic tears rushed out of his eyes and he screamed and pleaded until his throat was burning. The weight of the body against his back returned and two fingers were placed in his mouth, pushing down on his tongue and silencing him. 

“Shhh, that’s it. You’re fucking tight. Don’t tell me this is your first time?” Loki didn’t answer, he simply couldn’t, but the sob and his eyes shutting said enough. “What an honor, your highness.” He wanted to pull away from the overwhelmingly painful and uncomfortable feeling but he was securely held in place by the muscular arms of the man, the weight, and the table. 

A scream was attempted has he felt the guard pull halfway out and slam back in but the fingers muffled any sound. A merciless round of pounding was what followed. The man violently pulling his hips back before pushing forward with a quick snap. Again, and again, and again. A combination of the drugs, the heat and the pain finally got the upper hand and Loki lost consciousness multiple times. 

Every time awakening to an immense pain and his body being pushed around until he gave in to the darkness again. When he woke up for the fourth or fifth time though his body was motionless and he let his fingers slowly move to feel his surroundings without having to open his eyes. The feeling of dirt and gravel under his fingertips had never been more welcoming. 'It’s over, Loki. It’s over.' 

He stayed like that for a while, too sore, tired and sick to move and too scared that it actually wasn’t over but after what could have been hours of him listening to the silence he finally fell asleep.


	6. Killer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sketch for this chapter :
> 
> [https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338367419/mångata-chapter-6](https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338367419/m%C3%A5ngata-chapter-6) " />

When he woke up the following morning Loki felt as if he had been hit by a car. Everything hurt and the room was spinning when he went to a sitting position. The cold suddenly hit him, still being completely naked except for the cuffs that had apparently been reattached after yesterday’s abuse. 

With shaking hands and unsteady breathing he forced himself to look down, not surprised but still shocked by what he saw : a mixture of cum and blood sticking to the inside of his legs. “Fuck.” He let his head rest against the wall for a moment before standing up, having to steady himself as his legs felt like jelly and a sharp pain shot through his lower back with the movement. 

Loki slowly made his way to the little stream of water dripping down the cave walls and started cleaning himself, relishing in the added coldness soothing his skin. The heat he had endured yesterday was incredibly suffocating and painful for him, a feeling he wished and hoped to never experience again. He had one hand pressed against the rough surface as the other was bringing water to his face in a slow, rhythmic pattern and it wasn’t long before he was completely zoned out, almost dozing off even, the occasional jerk of his knees almost giving away under his body weight the only thing keeping him awake. 

But when he heard the door open Loki was wide awake in an instant and turned around to look at the intruder, accidentally scraping his back on the rocks behind him in the process. A man entered the cell, once again an unfamiliar face for Loki. He was tall and broad, shortly trimmed dark hair and dark grey eyes. If he weren’t dressed in the Asgardian guard attire one could mistake him for an army guy by the way he held himself. “I was assigned to this cell today.” 

The man spoke as he made his way to the table, only giving Loki one piercing look before he just kept his gaze down, focused on fidgeting with his fingers. “I don’t want to be here, you know but since I am now : let me tell you a story. You probably have no idea who I am but I know very well who you are, Loki Laufeyson. Do the names Ingvar and Sören ring a bell? Of course they don’t. 

Well, they are my children, born from a Midgardian woman I met on a mission in Iceland. The woman, Sigge, is -or better was- my wife. Odin recently granted me some time off and I of course went to visit her and surprised her with a city-trip. You know where we went, Loki? To New fucking York. That’s right. The city you blew up while we were there.” 

Loki had slid down and was now sitting in the furthest corner, knees pressed to his chest and tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. He was met with a combination of hurt and fear, uncertain as to where the guard was going with the story and what he was going to do to him. 

Before he could even let his mind wander the voice returned, now only inches away from him and when he looked up the ocean grey eyes were staring directly at his sapphire blue ones.

“You. Killed. My. Wife.” Loki crumbled, tried to form an even smaller ball, press his knees against his chest just a little more and hide his face behind his arms but he was kicked in the ribs with such force he fell down while a shriek escaped him. “And now you’re going to pay for it.” 

The man pulled him up by thy chain connecting his wrists and detached it from the hoop Loki had been chained to since his arrival. A sharp tug on the restrains forced him to follow the guard to the middle of the room where the taller male secured them to a hoop in the ceiling, making Loki stand with his arms raised above his head. “I’m sorry about your wife” he said between gritted teeth, surprising himself with the lack of emotion in the words. 

Maybe it was because he knew it hadn’t been in his control who died or because he had never been punished for killing anyone for it were all enemies in battle that had fallen under his hand. No matter what it was, it obviously hurt and agitated the man even more and Loki swallowed thickly, suddenly very much aware of his naked, chained up and defenseless state. “You should shut your mouth for once, God of lies, or I’ll make you scream till you can’t speak another word.” 

Those ended up being the only words heard for a while as right after the guard shut his mouth a hard hit of a whip hit Loki on the upper thighs, leaving him gasping from the pain. The man let out a low growl and moved to stand behind the prisoner, not hesitating before giving a second blow, right between Loki’s shoulder blades this time. The whip was thin and sturdy, strong enough to actually split open skin if handled with considerably force, which the guard seemed to posses as the sixth hit he landed on the naked back before him started slowly dripping blood. 

The man was deaf to Loki’s screams and cries, blinded by anger and hurt and presented with the perfect opportunity to make someone pay for his loss, that someone being the actual killer. Blow after blow echoed through the cave. They came in quicker intervals now, only being paused when the man changed his position a bit before mercilessly bringing the whip down on the now bloodied back again. 

Loki had grown almost silent except for the occasional whimper that followed a particularly hard blow. He felt his body slipping into shock due to the pain it had to endure but he wasn’t letting go, his frustration of being so weak due to the absence of his magic making him push that little harder to not seem like a complete powerless being. His legs had long given up though, his feet grazing over the rubble, forcing him to flex his muscles in his arms and shoulders to support the weight now pulling at his wrists. 

The punishment seemed to go on and on. Loki had trouble counting the exact amount of time he’d been whipped but by the time the man stepped back he was somewhere between forty and fifty hits. “Fucking filth is what you are. A monster, a killer, a psychopath. I hope you felt the pain I feel and I hope you rot away in this cell.”


	7. Defeat

It had only been a week since Loki had been imprisoned, a mere fraction of time for Asgardian standards but to him it felt like months. His attempt to be strong and not break under the punishments had been shattered ridiculously quick. Loki thought he would just be left in a cell, forgotten and ignored for most of the time, maybe an occasional slap or punch by an agitated guard but nothing could have prepared him for this. In that short week he had his mind and body violated beyond anything he deemed possible and it affected it way more than he’d like to admit. 

When he had woken up on the 7th day he felt sick like he had never experienced before : a cold sweat engulfing his burning body, constantly dry heaving and having to endure his body jerking uncontrollably accompanied by a pounding headache. He couldn’t move, any shift of position could reopen the swollen and irritated gashes on his back. 

Normally he could withstand major injuries as his magic would heal him from within relatively quickly and got him back on his legs in a day, even if the injuries would be so great they would have killed a normal Asgardian. Now however, with only enough magic to keep his heart beating, his body was still dangerously close to going back in shock and he knew he required medical attention if he wanted to heal quicker than the few weeks it would take him at this rate. But hope was dull as he barely even received food, let alone be granted access to a healer. 

“Good morning.” A voice snorted and he could see two pairs of feet appearing in his line of blurry vision. “Wow, you look like absolute shit.” Loki closed his eyes, whimpering softly as he tried to curl up into a little ball hoping he would become invisible. A plate of food was pushed in his direction but just the smell was enough to make him gag again. His stomach hurt from clenching together all morning and it left him exhausted as it kept going despite there being no food whatsoever in his body. 

A burning pain suddenly shot through his ribs, white spots flashing before his eyes as he tried to cry out but nothing more than a soft sob was heard. He could feel a throbbing ache in his side where the guard had just kicked him like he had done so often before. Loki knew he had at least one, if not multiple broken ribs from repeatedly receiving heavy impacts in the same area, everything from punches and kicks to being pushed against the wall and thrown on the ground. 

In a moment of defeat the question if the guards would actually go as far as kill him one day shot through his thoughts and it scared him, realizing he actually already knew the answer to that. He felt betrayed by Odin, by Thor and by Frigga, even by Asgard and Jötunheim. Maybe he deserved this punishment, maybe it was for the best that he stay here, locked away like the monster he is. 

Loki pressed his eyes shut at the pain rippling through his chest and a few warm tears started rolling down his cheeks. “Stop crying, princess. Seriously.” He tried, he really did, but the more he pressed his lips together and tried to swallow the lump in his throat the more tears started coming and the more he choked on his sobs. “That’s it. I’m done with your drama.” 

The guard marched over to the beaten down body and hauled Loki to his feet and held him up with a hand around his neck, just below the collar. “Where’s your greatness now, huh? Always walking around the palace like you’re the king of Asgard, always doing whatever you please without seeing the consequences. You’re not so powerful now, huh, stripped from your magic. All that’s left is a pathetic mess. Stop fucking crying. You have no right to cry, this is what you deserve and you’ll take your punishments like the criminal you are.” 

Loki had turned almost blue in the meantime, not from his Jötun form but from the lack of oxygen caused by the tight hand around his neck cutting off his airways. The guard spat on Loki before dropping his unconscious body to the floor and walked away quickly, wiping his hands on his armor as if he had just touched a piece of dirt that stained his skin. 

After that day Loki was left alone in his cell for nearly two weeks. The only food he had eaten was the plate the guards had left him which consisted of some vegetables and the oatmeal-like sustenance. He had situated himself in the corner, closest to the little stream of water so he could at least drink, clean his body and wounds a little and use the walls as support. 

Loki had slowly come to terms with dying there. His body was still fighting the infection from the wounds on his back, the starvation was slowly shutting down his organs and his legs were developing bruises and wounds from lying down for such a prolonged amount of time. 

The God had always imagined dying a glorious death on the battlefield and then going to Valhalla, being remembered like a hero long after his passing but this… this was a most dishonorable death. He would perish, nothing more than a body forgotten to rot somewhere, never to be spoken of again.


	8. Death ... ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sketch for this chapter :
> 
> [https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338539689/mångata-chapter-8](https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176338539689/m%C3%A5ngata-chapter-8) " />

Loki didn’t know whether he was dreaming, hallucinating or simply awake, every sense of reality had left him and he didn’t even try to decipher what he saw or heard anymore. Voices would come and go, smells would appear and then float away again. Today the voice seemed closer, almost as if it was right next to him. 

“Strange,” Loki thought, “normally the guards don’t come this close. Maybe they think I’m dead.” With the tiny bit of energy he had left he managed to raise a finger as a sign to show whoever was there that he was actually still alive. He wasn’t sure anyone would even see it for he had kept his eyes shut for days now thus not knowing who was in the cell or what they were doing. 

To his utter surprise and shock he felt a big hand take ahold of his smaller one, not in a violent way but in a soft and gentle way. The action scared Loki. Why the soft handling? All he could do was prepare himself for whatever torture was inevitably coming next but as he waited and waited nothing happened. In fact the hand holding his seemed to be stroking over his skinny limb that was now nothing more than bony knuckles and tendons. 

“Loki? Come on wake up. It’s me.” He recognized the voice now but yet he could not assign it to a person. His brain was buzzing with commands to open his eyes, move his muscles, speak, anything ! But he was simply too tired. You know that state when for some reason you have to wake up way earlier than normal and you can hear your alarm going off but it sounds so distant and actually waking up and opening your eyes feels like the heaviest task you’ve ever had to perform? 

Well yeah, that’s how he was feeling. And as happens so often the sounds that seemed so far away were not enough to get him to respond, resulting in him dosing off again until everything was silent once more.

Loki liked sleeping now. When he was young he despised it. Nighttime was way too exciting to waste it away by lying in bed ! He would sneak out, wander around the palace, have a conversation with a drunk warrior who partied a little too hard and was now slumped on the floor. Occasionally he would leave the palace and go snoop around the garden, trying to catch birds by throwing daggers at them (he never succeeded though.) 

He received those daggers as an eight birthday gift from Frigga, along with a lecture on safety of course (which he totally wasn’t listening to.) Loki would get annoyed at those people sleeping for hours and hours on end, he wanted excitement, a play-mate, just some mischief. Sometimes Thor would go out with him but it never lasted longer than an hour before some lame excuse and a quick goodbye came along. 

As he got older the years of lack of sleep started to catch up on Loki and he had to go from an average of four hours of sleep a day to six which he would never admit for it hurt his pride too much.

Now, however, it was something he cherished. He felt so tired, no, exhausted, all the time and sleep actually meant he could have some peace and quiet. It also helped pass the time and keep his mind from wandering to places he did not want to go to and the rest his body got on top of it turned this into a win-win situation. So when Loki felt himself being lightly shaken, bringing him back to a more conscious state, he groaned in disproval. 

There it was again. The voice. It was still as close as earlier and Loki had no idea how long he was gone this time but he still couldn’t care enough to try and open his eyes. “Loki, come on! Brother, please. I need you to wake up for me.” ‘Brother’? Just as he was about to gather any strength he had to move he felt an arm slide under his knees and then another one behind his back and before he knew it he was lifted of the ground. 

And that’s when the pain kicked in. Loki screamed. Loki screamed and screamed until his lungs burned. He tried to get away from whatever it was that was hurting him but as he weakly jolted around the grip around his body just tightened. Shit, shit, shit. He repeated in his head until that curse word was the only thing he could think off. They had left him alone for so long, why start with the torture again now? 

But suddenly the pain slowly diminished until it was simply a dull, throbbing ache throughout his entire body. From their position he could feel the person who had carried him was now sitting down. The table. Loki quickly figured out and started panicking again. Every time he had been brought to the table it had been for some sexual act. He tried to get away, tried to avoid whatever was about to happen to him but it wasn’t successful. 

He was weaker than a dog now, no muscle definition left, no weight to put to use, no magic to help him fight. Loki tried pushing his body away from the one pressed against him, he’d give anything to just be left alone. But then the hand on his back started rubbing slow circles into his muscles, luckily above the wounds and scars and not over them. 

“Shh, Loki it’s me, Thor. I’m not going to hurt you, no one is going to hurt you anymore. Please just open your eyes brother dear, I miss those big blue puppy eyes that always made you get what you wanted from mother. Please, Loki, wake up.” Thor, my brother. Of course. What is he doing here? 

Loki felt relief. The kind of relief you feel when for days on end you don’t know if someone made it out alive of somewhere or not and now they are safely in your arms. He finally did it, finally had the strength to open his eyes. He couldn’t see much for his vision was blurry but he’d recognize those blonde locks anywhere and that smell, that lovely smell. 

Thor always smelled like fresh pine woods and it was the best thing Loki had smelled in weeks. He just lost it, he broke down sobbing and buried his face in his brother’s chest, holding on for dear life with the little strength he had left.


	9. Long nights

When Loki had finally stopped crying and regained a little control over his trembling body he looked up, vision now only a bit blurry at the edges. He let his eyes wander over his brother’s features and noticed Thor still had the braid with the strand of his hair. 

His eyes eventually made their way up completely until he was met with blue eyes staring back at him. Is he.. crying? Loki had only seen his brother cry once, that being that time when they were eight and he had -not so accidentally- stabbed Thor after dropping his disguise as a snake. After that Frigga had taken away his daggers but it wasn’t long before the little God of mischief found out where she kept them and found a way to get them back. 

But that day Thor had cried tears due to physical pain, he wasn’t in pain now, was he? Loki frowned and softly closed his hand around his brother’s arm. “Hey,” Thor smiled between tears. “I’m sorry, Loki. I’m so sorry.” The blonde man took in a trembling breath and looked down at the mess in his arms. 

“Say something brother, please.” Loki tried, he formed the words in his mind, got ready to speak but nothing happened. When he opened his mouth nothing more than a soft gasp came out and he couldn’t bring his muscles to pronounce a single sound. “What? What’s wrong? Did they do something to your voice?” He shook his head. 

“Are you in pain? Is that why you can’t speak?” A nod followed by a quick shake this time. Yes, brother, I am in pain, but that is not why I can’t speak. He wanted to just talk to his brother but he couldn’t and he had still not figured out why. Thor seemed to ponder for a moment and then simply started talking in an incredibly soft and calm way. 

“Look, Loki, I do not know what these morons have done to you exactly but it is not that hard to figure out. I began having suspicions when a group of guards started behaving oddly so I followed them one day and saw them go in a different direction than where the dungeons with all the prisoners are. When I later asked Odin who they kept in the hidden torture dungeons -which I thought had been out of use for years now- he did not answer me. 

I failed you, Loki. I trusted Odin and the guards to just let you sit out your punishment in the normal cells. Oh, brother…” There was a long pause and Loki shifted uncomfortably. He had calmed down by the low rumbling in Thor’s chest when he spoke though the actual words where far away and he only registered half of what was said to him. Just as he was about to look up the voice came back. 

“Oh brother, what have they done to you? If I would have come a day later you might have been dead. But worry not, you will receive all the medical care you so desperately need and when you are stable enough to move you will be placed in a normal cell. Though my heart aches to not be able to get you out of your punishment it is not my call to make. At least you will have a bed, warmth, clean clothes, food and most off all : protection. 

Because I swear to you brother I will make sure not a single guard touches you or comes near you. If they even look at you wrong they will personally meet Mjölnir and fall to their deaths, just as every person who was involved in this has already done.” All of this for me? But I’m a monster. I do not deserve this. 

His thoughts were interrupted when the door to the cell opened and new voices came in, making him panic once more. “Shh, brother, hush now. It’s Sif. You remember Lady Sif right? She and I are going to take care of you now.” He felt himself being lifted up again and he wanted to scream like he did before but even that didn’t work. Not a single sound came out. 

All he could do was gasp in pain as tears rolled down his cheeks but he was soon met with something soft underneath him as his body was laid down on what felt like a mattress. “My God, what have they done to him ?! He’s practically dead. If I find out who did this to him they will die.” “They’re already dead, my Lady Sif. I took care of that personally.” 

“Good.” Was all she answered before she crouched next to Loki who had his eyes closed and was probably close to falling unconscious again. Her hand trembled before it was placed on his forehead, his normally cool skin now burning hot. Lady Sif clenched her jaws together and they made quick work of getting Loki out of the strips of fabric that were supposed to be clothes. 

Both her and Thor audibly gasped at the state of the God’s physique. He used to be lean and muscular, perfectly smooth and fair skin, well.. the body of a God. But now, now he looked like someone who came from a concentration camp where he was also beaten to almost death by some mafia boss he still owed three million dollars.

The two of them must have worked for hours getting Loki into a stable condition. He was now wrapped up in the palace’s most expensive and warm blankets, a silk robe around his body, his bruises rubbed with ointment, his cuts cleaned and stitched up and a bunch of IV’s attached to the needle in his hand. The IV’s were ironically held up by the very same hoop Loki had been hung from. 

It would be easier to just bring him to the medical quarters but the journey through the many halls could potentially be fatal for him in this state. Loki had also received a small package of nutrients and sugar through a feeding tube. He needed food, a lot of it but anything more than a few spoonfuls could make his body go into shock right now so they had to take it easy. 

Even though he seemed okay now Loki was far from the danger zone, he still had some long nights to pull through and it would only become clear to them in about a week if he was actually going to survive this.


	10. Long days

Those first few nights Thor stayed watching over his little brother, Mjölnir firmly planted next to him. Lady Sif visited three times a day to help bathe, feed and take care of Loki. It ended up taking more than two weeks to get him into a state where he was conscious, stable and most importantly : healing. 

It had been a long process and frustrating process since Loki was not doing any better for a long time but when they hit the two week mark things finally started to look a bit better. He had had his first full day of consciousness, the wounds on his back were actually closing and he could now even handle a full bag of nutrients a day. Though Loki was still dependent on a feeding tube it was a big improvement to the obvious starvation he had been put through. 

The first time Thor had to leave his side for a longer period had been tough. The trickster God understood his brother’s duty though, after all the Thunderer was still an Asgardian warrior and his assistance was required around the palace. After the first prolonged leave the time schedule got flipped around. 

At firs Thor would be at Loki’s side almost all the time and would only go if it was absolutely necessary, now he had picked up his life as Thor Odinson again and would visit Loki about once a week. Lady Sif’s presence diminished as well and they were now at one visit a day to check up on the God. It had been almost three months since Thor came to ‘rescue’ him yet to Loki it felt like it was yesterday. 

The only evidence of the time that had passed was his physical state : he could sit up, he was awake and aware of his surroundings and he could even slowly wash and dress himself. But being awake also means having time to think and though Loki tried to block out as many thoughts as possible his mind always wandered to the torture he could still not comprehend. He felt as if he had just watched his house be swept away by a hurricane in seconds and he was now left standing in the rubble with no words to even comprehend what had just happened. 

No matter what he did the abuse would come back to him. When he had his eyes open he could hear their insults and see the damage to his body but when he closed his eyes all he saw were flashbacks, horrible, horrible flashbacks. With this much time to kill the days seemed to go on and on, only to be broken by Sif’s quick checkup and kind voice that hushed him in the sweetest way possible. 

Loki had just gotten used to the way things were now until one day his brother arrived with the news that he was being transferred to the regular cells. In one way it calmed Loki for he would suddenly have a lot more comfort and could actually ‘do his time’ in a more humane way but in an other way it also terrified him since he’d been so alone for a while and now he’ll be surrounded by cells, prisoners, guards and noise. 

Before he could decide which feeling was getting the upper hand his brother approached him and kneeled next to him while giving him a soft smile. “You look much better without all those tubes coming out or going into your body, Lokes.” Thor softly chuckled, referring to the feeding tube and IV’s they had taken out not too long ago. “Can you stand?” 

Loki didn’t know. He hadn’t been up on his feet in months. It was clumsy and required a lot of effort but eventually he managed to get into the vertical position with a lot of help from Thor. “Good, brother. That’s good. But don’t worry, you don’t have to walk all the way there, I just wanted to see if your legs were still functioning.” Loki slowly blinked at his brother, not having the energy to smile he hoped his eyes showed enough gratitude for all the help he had received. 

To his surprise Thor picked him up like he used to do when Loki was but a small child : one hand on his back, the other under his behind and Loki instinctively placed his head on his brother’s shoulder. It was a long walk and the soft bouncing of Thor’s steps eventually made him fall asleep like a lullaby does to a newborn.


	11. Thor's point of view

“Hey, Loki, wake up. We’re here.” I softly say as I watch the boy in my arms slowly wake up with a confused look on his face. Loki leans back a little so he can look at me before looking around the room with a frown on his forehead. The look in his eyes when he realizes he’s back in a cell breaks my heart but there’s nothing I can do for my little brother. 

I walk over to the bed and lay him down as gently as I can, afraid I’ll break him even more. He used to be so strong and proud, seeing him like this makes my heart boil with anger. Loki is just skin and bones, his flesh almost transparent and highly contrasting with the dark bruises and scars littering his body. Three months of hard work to get him in a slightly better condition and he still looks like he won’t make it through another night. 

Painful memories resurface as I think about the long nights Sif and I spent by Loki’s side hoping he’ll pull through and panicking every time he stopped breathing for a split second, holding our breaths until his chest started rising again. I cried many times, so did Lady Sif. Loki would toss and turn, cold sweat dripping from his forehead as he made pained sounds and muttered soft words, sometimes he would get seizures so badly we had to hold him to avoid him hurting himself. 

Though I personally killed every guard who was involved in doing this to him, it just wasn’t enough. I would go away for days on end and destroy everything I could get my hands on : trees, abandoned huts… even that old ship Odin didn’t use anymore was no match for Mjölnir. Yes, Loki had done some awful things but no living being should experience what he had been through. 

By Odin’s beard, they nearly killed him! They nearly killed Loki, he who is believed to be immortal. I wept and wept for finding him in that state was the most painful moment in my life and seeing him now, lying there on the bed makes me want to just pick him up again and take him far, far away. 

I’m lost in thought as I run my fingers through his once soft and shiny hair when I feel a weak hand on my arm. Tired blue eyes look up at me with an emotion coating them that I cannot read. “What is it, Loki? Is something wrong? Are you in pain?” I’m trying to make my voice sound as calm as possibly while I patiently wait for his answer before suddenly realizing he’s still not speaking and hasn’t for the past three months (or longer for all I know). 

A sigh escapes me and in an instinct I press my lips against his forehead. “I’m sorry, so sorry.” All he does is stare at me, his eyebrows slightly pulled up and cracked lips parted just enough to see a small piece of his teeth. I brush my thumb over his prominent cheekbone and promise him, again, that he is safe now and that nothing will happen to him ever again. 

With great effort I can finally make myself get up from the bed and walk away from him, not daring to look back knowing I would never leave his side if I did. 

*

“Father, the other day I followed some guards who I found were behaving oddly. I eventually saw them going into the hallways leading to the torture chambers. Are they still being used? I thought they were shut down a long time ago. Tell me, Allfather, are prisoners still being kept there and if yes, which ones?” 

I looked at the man sitting on his throne and felt a gut wrenching feeling when he frowned and gave me some vague answer along the lines of ‘I don’t know and I don’t care’. My bad feeling was later confirmed when I walked past every normal cell there is and couldn’t find Loki in any of them. As quickly as my legs could go I then made my way to the other cells, deeply kept away in the dark corners of the palace and far beyond any point other Asgardians went. 

At first the two guards standing in front of the heavy door wouldn’t let me in but after threatening them and reminding them I am the Allfather’s son they made a run for it. My eyes had to adjust to the dark and it took me a few moments to locate the curled up body in the corner but as soon as I saw the unresponsive being I made it across the room in an instant. What I saw made my heart break into a million pieces and I’m not sure I’ll ever get the image of Loki out of my head. 

My one hand pressed against the side of his neck, the other hand in front of his nose and both eyes fixated on his chest were barely enough to make out he was still alive. The fear I felt that accompanied the thoughts of losing my little brother was almost enough to knock me down but I knew I needed to keep my cool, Loki needed me and also needed urgent medical care for he was far from being out of the danger zone. 

The first few nights Sif and I were still fearing for his life. Loki’s heartbeat was either exceptionally fast or dangerously slow, his body temperature was extremely high (even for his Aesir form), a vicious infection from untreated wounds had spread through his body, he was severely malnourished (his weight being around 120 pounds instead of the healthy 175 he was before), his breathing ragged and uneven, sometimes even stopping completely for a few moments. I could go on and on about his state but you get the picture and besides, it’s too painful to think about it for too long. 

I hope now he will heal faster with the adjusted accommodation. I will personally make sure he gets the best food, that his wounds are healing like they should, that no-one except for myself, Lady Sif and Frigga enter the cell and that he is doing well. Odin and I haven’t been on speaking terms and he’ll have to come up with a damn good proposal for me to forgive what he has done to his own son, to my baby brother.


	12. Just another prisoner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sketch for this chapter :
> 
> <https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176417624299/mangata-chapter-12> " />

Loki felt alone. Back in the torture dungeon he’d at least have regular visits and people who spoke to him but here he was just another prisoner, ignored by the guards and the others. He was glad though for now he had a bed, food, light, peace and rest so he couldn’t complain yet Loki felt off. 

He was traumatized by the experiences, the still present pain -both mentally and physically- was a daily reminder of the horror he went through and the young God had a hard time processing it all. His life had gone from zero to a hundred real quick and now he was down to a ten maybe. 

Most people seek or receive help after a traumatic event and that’s what was lacking from Loki’s life. He had no one to speak to, and even if he had one it would be of no help since he still hadn’t found his voice back, no one to console him, to hold him, to tell him it was going to be okay. Not even Frigga had spoken such words upon her last visit. She had merely stroked her hand through his hair which resulted in him flinching away from her touch and her visit came to a quick end with nothing more than a sad look as goodbye.  
Was he simply to forget everything? Pretend nothing happened? That he was fine and that everything was normal? He couldn’t. 

Loki was a mess and it was painful for him to admit. At least back in the dungeon he was in a blissful state of semi-consciousness where he took notice of nothing and reality left him completely. With his mind now back up and running and too much time on his hands he lost himself in flashbacks and a whirlwind of emotions way too often for his own good and comfort.  
The collar was still mockingly secured around his neck which painfully slowed down his healing and it left him feeling empty and weak. He didn’t have the energy to eat and sleep was once more hard to achieve thus resulting in him still being dangerously underweight and trembling all over. 

Loki had no tears left. He tried to stay on his bed for as long as he could but always found himself huddled in a corner of the cell again, a position his brain had registered as safe, and would stay there until his legs started to hurt so badly he had to move. 

“Pathetic” a guard had scoffed one day upon seeing the prisoner and Loki had immediately linked the word to himself now repeating it over and over again in his head. He thought of himself no better than a stray dog wandering the street, begging for food and in his mind he undoubtedly looked like one too ; unkept hair, sickly thin, dirty, full of scars, pathetic. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

Time had become a strange thing to him, seconds seemed like hours, days seemed like weeks, and in the end he had lost track of how long it had been since his imprisonment but it must have been at least six months. The only way of measuring time for him was by the length of his hair. Normal human hair would grow about 0.4 inches a month or five inches a year but his hair grew at a speed of one inch a month. When he was capture the black curls were still a bit above his shoulders but they were now surpassing the joints with ease. 

Whenever a guard would enter he was met with an overwhelming feeling of panic and would involuntarily press himself in the nearest corner and made himself as small as possible with his eyes cast to the floor until the intruder would leave again. Guards would only come in to bring food, fresh clothes or a bucket of water with soap, all now luxuries to Loki. 

He still felt uneasy using them and only proceeded with extreme cautiousness such as examining the food for a good half hour and then only eating a few spoonfuls, only using as little water as was necessary to get his skin clean -the soap untouched- and his clothes were only exchanged for clean ones when he absolutely had to and of course only when the coast was clear to undress. 

Thor would come ever so often but the visits were always brief. He would update Loki on some Asgardian gossip while his eyes scanned his little brother with concern lingering in them, making sure his condition wasn’t going downhill any further. Thor probably thought Loki didn’t notice but he sure picked up on the little gesture and was great for that little act of kindness for it was the only form of it he received here. 

Days were long and painful for him so having his brother visit occasionally made it a little more bearably though he still deeply wished for it to be over soon so he could begin the excruciatingly slow process of getting accustomed to normal life again but he knew all to well he was going to spend the rest of his days locked up, Odin’s orders.


	13. H e l ( l )

“Hey, Lokes” Thor softly said as he entered the cell. “How are you feeling today? Any better?” It broke Thor’s heart when Loki shook his head but it was no surprise. “Are you in pain? Show me where it hurts.” The God of thunder watched with anticipation as his brother slowly moved his hand until he finally let it rest on his belly. “The guards told me you are barely eating, brother of mine. You must eat or you will never get better. Your body needs the energy to heal.” Loki looked down as pain flashed over his face, trembling hands fidgeting in his lap. He didn’t mean to disappoint his brother and though he tried so hard to get better it seemed like an impossible task to him. 

“Please try to eat a bit more, brother. Is something else hurting?” All Loki did was give a small shrug of his shoulders. In fact he was still in a miserable amount of pain but he knew nothing could be done about it so he didn’t bother trying to show Thor. “It pains me to see you like this, Loki. I will keep checking up on you, okay? In the mean time please try to get sufficient rest and some sustenance into your body. Please? For me.” The blonde man pinched the bridge of his nose before letting out a sigh and quickly wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. “Hang in there.”

Loki had tried to follow his brother’s advice the next time they brought him food but as soon as he had eaten a bit he vomited which caused him great embarrassment for he had to clean his cell now with a bucket and water the guards provided. Throwing up had been an additional painful thing to him : his muscles contracting, the burning in his throat, the energy it cost… so when the next meal came around his food was left untouched once again. 

His tummy ached badly, cramping up and protesting against whatever it was unhappy about, and it made Loki panic. ‘What is wrong with me?’ He was afraid another sickness would cause his body too much extra damage and he feared he would not survive this time around. 

When Thor came for a quick visit, roughly a week after the last one, he found Loki almost unconscious in the corner, engulfed in a cold sweat, trembling and crying. “Loki? Loki?!” His body was lifted of the floor but unlike him screaming and protesting like he had done before, Loki now remained silent and kept his eyes closed. “Brother, come on. Stay with me.” He felt his big brother walking while still carrying him but he had no idea where Thor was taking him and frankly, he didn’t care anymore. 

“Loki? Loki I need you to wake up for me.” It was a female voice speaking this time and he recognized it as Sif’s yet he was too tired to be responsive. It was only when he heard a new male voice that his eyes shot open in cheer panic, his body trying to get as far away from the man as possible but he had no energy. Thor came within eye sight and pinned him down firmly. “Loki, shh. It’s okay. It’s Hogun, you remember him right? Lady Sif and the Warriors Three? Yeah that’s it, relax baby brother.” 

Though his eyes were still frantically shooting back and forth between Sif, Hogun and Thor his muscles had gone limp again and he could do nothing but try and figure out what was going on. He was lying down on a soft mat with the three others crouched around him, candles lighting up their faces. 

“You’re in the healer’s quarters, Loki.” Lady Sif spoke as she slowly brushed her fingers through his hair, something she had discovered that calmed the young God down. “Thor found you in your cell. You seem to be very sick again so he brought you here. The healer is on it’s way so we hope to know what is wrong very soon so we can make it all better, okay?” Loki merely nodded a single time and turned his head a bit to lean in to the Lady’s touch. 

When the healer came and tried examining Loki it turned into a disaster. When Suleiman, as the man called himself, tried to remove Loki’s tunic he started violently kicking and swinging his arms and legs which made him pant from exhaustion while his eyes were big like a scared deer’s in headlights. It ended in Hogun and Thor having to hold him down so he wouldn’t hurt anyone and it was Sif that had to keep him calm while gently removing his upper attire so Suleiman could at least take a look.

A confused frown appeared on all of their faces as they cast their eyes on Loki’s body. His arms were still so thin Thor could easily wrap his hand around them, his chest still prominently showing his ribcage, his hipbones and ribs still sticking out like they were menacing to poke through his white skin but his belly.. his belly was swollen like that of a sick child’s with worms. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Thor’s loud voice snapped. “It could be a number of things,” said Suleiman, “the bulge could be caused by a weakening of the abdominal muscles not holding the intestines in place, it could be an infection or it could be a problem with the intestines themselves. I’ll need to summon a spell to look inside, is that okay?” They all nodded and made sure Loki was lying still. 

The healer muttered some words and a dark orange flame-like form was now glowing in his hands, when he brought them down to lay on Loki’s tummy a wave of light quickly rushed through the body beneath him. The glow made Loki’s veins, arteries and heart light up a bit so they were now visible through his skin as if bright orange blood was running through them. It made Loki squirm a bit but he didn’t seem in any pain. Suleiman skillfully moved his hands all over : from the chest, to the stomach, over the small intestines, then the big intestines and then all the way down to right above Loki’s crotch but that crossed a line as Loki went into panic mode again, making the healer pull his hands away quickly. 

The frown on Suleiman’s face worried Thor beyond anything. “So? What is wrong with my brother? Which one is it?” The black eyes of the man snapped up in a serious manner and stared directly at the God of Thunder. “It’s none of the causes I had listed before.” Thor was losing his patience and grabbed the man by his robes, demanding to receive some answers. “The God is carrying life.”  
“What – What do you mean ‘carrying life’?” “He’s with child.” Said the healer before standing up and disappearing without a single word. No explanation, no nothing. 

“He’s pregnant?!” Lady Sif asked in disbelief. “But how? I mean Loki is a male, right? We saw his male genitals and physique while taking care of him.” It was now Hogun who spoke, his face as calm as ever and voice soft but wise. “We do not know much about Frost giants so we cannot rule out anything. Besides, Loki is a shape shifter so we know for sure he can even take on the form of a female.” 

Thor, Sif and Hogun were now lost in a conversation full of questions and theories, trying to figure out how this was possible all while forgetting that Loki himself was still lying between them.   
When Sif eventually looked down and went quiet, the two males followed until the room was completely silent and all eyes were on the young God.

Loki had fallen asleep or unconscious -it was hard to tell- but he looked incredibly peaceful. His hands were resting on the little bump of his belly and his face was so relaxed his lips almost seemed to form a smile. Lady Sif had tears rolling down her cheeks but she smiled softly as she brushed some of Loki’s curls out of his face.

“We have to get rid of it.” Thor said in a cold manner before standing up and beginning to walk away. “Wait ! What do you mean?” “He can’t keep the child, my Lady ! It would kill him ! He’s barely strong enough to keep himself alive, let alone an additional life.” His voice was loud and angry and his face carried a torn expression. Thor was mad. He didn’t want Loki to go through another traumatizing experience and it only reminded him of the sexual abuse his baby brother had gone through.

“Where are you going?” Asked Sif with the softest voice she could manage. “I’m going to bring the healer back here. He surely knows how to deal with this.”


	14. Love : stripped away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sketch for this chapter :
> 
> [https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176417690889/mångata-chapter-14](https://jjhart98.tumblr.com/post/176417690889/m%C3%A5ngata-chapter-14) " />

The mood in the room was tense as Sif, Hogun and Thor looked at the healer who was muttering a string of words to himself while blue waves of magic were sliding underneath’s Loki skin. The magic had a dark and heavy vibe to it, significantly lowering the temperature surrounding them. Lady Sif was still slowly brushing her fingers through the black curls of the man beneath her and hoped with all her might that he wouldn’t wake up in the middle of this for it would be a guaranteed disaster.

The magic moved throughout Loki’s body like fish in a pond. It looked mesmerizing but the reason behind this spell took away everything magical about it unfortunately. The flow eventually stopped moving and pooled together in the lower belly of the God where it started making bubble like shapes and slowly changed color to a deep red. 

Suleiman’s voice had gotten louder and louder along the way, what had started as whispers were now loud and clearly spoken words only gaining intenseness with every second that passed. Sif’s face was lathered with fear while Thor and Hogun’s faces showed a great deal of concern. 

The healer was now almost screaming the words, his body softly rocking back and forth while the dark red magic looked like it was going to burst out of the skin containing it. And that’s when Loki’s eyes snapped open. He was trying to scream, that was obvious to everyone, but not a single sound came from his pale lips. Loki looked down in panic and tried to rip his arms free from Thor’s grip. Luckily the ordeal was slowly coming to a stop. A few final whispers and Suleiman removed his hands, the magic leaving with him. 

Just as he had done before, the healer stood up and disappeared. Thor’s attention was ripped from the now empty spot in the room when he heard the choked up sounds from beneath him. When he looked down he was met with those familiar blue eyes staring back at him. What he saw though ripped his heart right from his chest. Thor had had a hard time understanding Loki since he lost his voice but this look was crystal clear, it just screamed “Why did you do this to me?”.

All Thor could do was close his eyes and turn his head away. The chance Loki would have lost the child due to the state he’s in was almost certain so Thor was not going to lose both the baby and his brother. Although the God of thunder knew he made the right choice he could only hope Loki would forgive him one day.

Loki was crying and fighting back against the strong arms holding him down when he heard lady Sif speak up. “Leave us,” she told the two other males, “I’ll calm him down and take care of him.” Neither of the two protested and left the room in silence.

“Hey now, shh. It’s alright, Loki. Everything is going to be okay.” The soft voice made Loki come down from his rush of anger and adrenaline and he didn’t even protest when Sif picked him up, put him in her lap and held him tight like a newborn baby.

Though Loki felt pathetic for he was so weak and thin even lady Sif could carry him without much effort, he was grateful for her presence. It was that gentle, motherly approach she had. She always knows what to do or what to say, even in the hardest of situations.

“Just close your eyes. It’s over now, Lokes, you will feel better soon.” He did as he was told and let his head rest on her chest, cooed by the subtly rocking of her body and her slow breathing.  
Lady Sif made quick work of wiping the blood from between Loki’s legs, washing him, rubbing his entire body with a soothing oil and wrapping him up in silk robes before laying him down on the big bed in the room next door. 

That night the God was allowed to stay in that room and did not have to return to his cell. Lady Sif laid next to him but stayed awake the entire time making sure Loki was okay. No one in the palace knew her reasons for having so much compassion for the God of mischief. No one understood why she had provided him with so much care.

The reason she had done so was because she had a miscarriage herself when she was younger. Ever since she married Thor she had watched over Loki like a mother would watch over a child and she knew what he was going through now so she was going to do the little amount of things she could do to at least make this a teeny bit less painful for him. 

Morning came soon, too soon, and two guards came to escort Loki back to his cell. He had already woken up in a fragile state though and the guards trying to touch him did not go well. Eventually Sif and Thor had gotten permission to bring Loki back himself, making sure he was as comfortable as possible before steeping out of the cell and getting ready to report for duty in the Palace.


	15. Holding out for a hero

Loki felt lost and alone, clutching his belly where the child once was and silently crying in the corner of his cell. Being locked up gave him a lot of time for pondering which, in his case, was more of a curse than a blessing. It wasn’t that long ago that he found out about his real father but he thought that other than being a Frostgiant he was completely normal. Wrong.

Finding out that everything you thought you knew about biology is wrong or incomplete does mess with your mind. Frigga had read to him from books explaining the two Asgardian genders and the basic “male has sex with female, female gets pregnant” story.

From what Loki knew he was male and males don’t get pregnant. The entire situation confused him and made him believe even more that something was wrong with him on top of everything else he had listed in his head. ‘They’re probably even more disgusted with me now’ he concluded. 

In the months that followed that horrible night of the separation of his child visits from Thor and Sif clearly diminished. His wounds had finally healed so all lady Sif could do was give him ointment to soothe the bruises, the damaged muscles and the painful bones. She also gave him some lavender oil to put on his scars which she knew also has a calming effect on people using it. 

Thor made sure Loki wasn’t sick and that he was treated like a normal prisoner. He came by about twice a month to confirm everything was okay, would have a one-sided conversation with Loki for a few minutes and then disappear to God knows where. 

When the one year mark arrived of his imprisonment Lady Sif had stopped visiting and so had Frigga. Thor came by once every so often but was always in a hurry. Thor and Lady Sif were expecting their first child together so Loki understood they didn’t have much time to spare. 

It reminded Loki of a movie Thor had brought home from Midgard. The film was about an alcoholic that got sentenced to fifteen years in prison for a double hit and run. At first his family came to visit weekly, they felt bad for the guy and although they didn’t condone his behavior that got him there in the first place they still pitied him and wanted to make sure he was okay. But then the weekly visits turned into monthly visits, then into annual visits and eventually they stopped coming all along. When the man had done his time he had lost contact with all his family members and was forgotten.

Loki didn’t want to end up like that but the painful reality that he eventually would was ever present in the back of his head. If fifteen years could do that to a family imagine what a lifetime could do. He wanted to escape, fight back but still being as weak as a neglected dog and still having that collar blocking his magic meant that he couldn’t. All he could do was hold out for a hero to come save him.  
His dark hair now came all the way down to his elbows and although it was messy and in a bad state he was thankful for the brush he had received from Lady Sif. He could at least brush his hair and make sure it didn’t form unmanageable knots. 

The God had no intention of cutting his hair for it was his only way of telling the time, now thus being one year since he was captured. Frigga used to make little braids in his hair and it would make him feel relaxed but now her not being there and Loki not knowing how to braid meant he wasn’t going to feel that sensation any time soon. 

Loki sighed and pressed himself a bit more into the corner. It was almost dinner time which meant the guards would come by soon and they terrified him. Though this obviously wasn’t the torture dungeon this was still an Asgardian prison. Guards are the ones with the authority and with order’s from Odin to punish a prisoner when they see fit. 

Since he had been moved here Loki had been hit, kicked, shoved around, verbally abused and regularly had things thrown at him or food pushed in his mouth when he didn’t feel like eating. He couldn’t tell Thor and even if he could he probably wouldn’t. 

He couldn’t complain now, right? His big brother had saved him, Sif had cared for him and he was moved to this cell. Loki would happily take the abuse if it meant he didn’t have to be in the dungeon anymore. 

“Hi, princess.” A guard snorted as he approached Loki. “You look better,” a pause and then a dark chuckle, “just kidding, you still look like shit.” A second voice was now laughing along with the first one and Loki just wished they would go away.

He had learned that the less he would react the quicker the guards would become bored of him but sometimes -like today- that had to opposite effect, making the guards even more agitated.  
“Hey, I’m talking to you. Look at me when I speak to you.” Loki couldn’t, he didn’t have the energy. It wasn’t long before he felt a big hand grabbing his jaw and yanking his head up until he was staring directly into the eyes of the man towering over him. If the man would have squeezed a little harder he would have broken Loki’s jaw for sure. 

“That’s better. You look like a slut with your big begging eyes, you know that?” The other guard flicked his wrist and a warm yellow flow of magic engulfed the walls of the cell. It was the same magic that creates the barrier around the cells to keep prisoners from escaping.

Loki was confused for the only people he knew to have access to magical powers were Frigga, Odin, Thor, Heimdall and himself. He was quick to figure out the guard had cast an illusion similar to the one Loki had performed before he was brought to the dungeon. If no one could see inside the cell then no one could protect him from what was about to happen.

Before he could even start to panic the grip on his jaw loosened just a tiny bit and Loki heard a fly being unzipped. His stomach dropped to the floor. ‘No, no, please, no!’ he yelled in his head but his voice betrayed him and still no sound came out.

A cock was pushed in his mouth, forcefully so, and the guard started face fucking him, leaving Loki with no time to catch his breath and a still painfully tight grip around his jaw. He choked and sputtered, tried to get away but nothing seemed to make the man in front of him slow down.

The salty cum was left in his mouth, making him choke even more because he tried everything in his might to not swallow it. When the first guard finally released his grip on Loki it only took seconds before the other one stepped forward.

It was the same routine; a cock painfully pushed in his mouth, the rough face fucking that left him panicked and gasping for air. It was the same handling all over again until Loki suddenly felt the hand of the first guard slide into his black pants. 

In a moment of added anxiety, caused by the hand forcefully tugging at his own private parts, he clenched his throat shut and choked even more on the cock in his mouth, making tears roll down his cheeks. The fingers wrapped around his penis weren’t there to be gentle, they were yanking and pulling with every intention to hurt Loki. 

When two fingers were pushed inside of him at once his eyes flew open with cheer pain and panic. Though he wanted to scream all he could do was gasp and whimper while trying to get as much oxygen into his filled mouth as possible. The fingers started rapidly pumping in and out, no sign of slowing down. It went on until the second guard finally came down Loki’s throat and with the cock being removed from his mouth the fingers disappeared as well.

Loki received a kick in the lower back as goodbye and he was left there on the floor; bruises already forming around his throat and jaw, face sore and with cum running down the corners of his lips, pants halfway on his ass, blood dripping down his legs and a body and mind violated once again.


	16. call death

(short time frame : Loki spent four months in the torture dungeon, one month of that being constant abuse and three months were Thor and Sif trying to get him in a better condition. He was captured a year and half ago.)

The abuse within his cell went on for about another six months, meaning he had endured a year and a half of it by now. Even Thor had stopped visiting thus the only visits he got were from the guards who would always do something to hurt him whether is was mentally or physically.

Loki was exhausted and he honestly didn’t know how much longer he could take this. He silently wished he was back at the dungeon were he was left to die. He was so close to actual death and relief. The thought suddenly made him come up with an idea. If death wasn’t coming to him he could call death himself.

The God had gained a little weight since his transfer but was still dangerously underweight at a 122 pounds. If he would voluntarily starve himself even more than he was now involuntarily doing his body probably would shut down within two months, tops. 

So that’s what Loki did. Within a week he already felt the effects; dizziness, faintness, tiredness and weakness. The only thing he did all day was lay in the corner and try to get some sleep. He was only interrupted by the occasional visit of some guards using him over and over again until he would lose consciousness. 

When he neared the 20th month of imprisonment he was once again staggeringly close to death and he had already made peace with it this time. He wasn’t afraid, he was ready to go.  
He was woken up by a new voice in his cell. It wasn’t any of the guards, Loki knew that for sure since he had been abused by every single one of them and had gotten used to each of the voices. This, this wasn’t the voice of a guard, it was the voice of a King. Odin’s.

“Loki Laufeyson, the guards told me you caused trouble. It appears that you are cheating your way out of your punishment by bringing death upon yourself. I am therefor banishing you to earth where you will be left to die. I hereby take from you your power and cast you out!”

Odin’s voice was loud, making Loki wince and wrap his arms around his head to try and block out the heavy rumbling it caused in his head. He heard the words but barely registered them. It was only when he felt a powerful blast of magic surrounding his body that he came down to a more conscious state than he had been in for the past few days. 

The force pulled him through the Bifrost with such force that all he could was let it happen. It only took a few seconds of travel before his body hit the hard surface of whatever realm Odin had banished him to. Loki blacked out.

*

“Sir, some unusual weather phenomenon similar to the one in New Mexico was registered a few miles from here. Would you like me to pull up the details?” “Yes, thank you JARVIS.”  
Tony pushed his spinning chair from his work bench to his desk and titled his head a bit to the side upon seeing the images JARVIS had displayed for him. “The speed, force and energetic field are almost identical to the ones that surrounded Mister Thor’s arrival” the A.I. said without actually being asked.

“Do you think another one of those aliens came down for a visit again?” “Perhaps, sir.” “How far away did you say it was?”  
Before he knew it Tony was in his car, driving along Malibu’s coastline with the top down, and of course the bracelets activating the Iron Man suit around his wrists ‘because you can never be too cautious, am I right?’. 

He had taken some time off after the entire incident in New York and had decided to go live in his Malibu home for a while, with no-one to tell him what to do or watch his every move. Not even Pepper, Director Fury or Agent Coulson bothered him except for the occasional ‘just checking up’ phone call.

Though he was hoping this wasn’t another alien invasion of some kind, his nerves were buzzing with excitement to find out what all of this was about and his curiosity just couldn’t be stopped so here he was; singing along to some AC/DC and ignoring JARVIS’ sassy remarks. 

Tony was pulled from his thoughts when his A.I. announced they were almost arriving at the destination and asked JARVIS if there was any new information regarding the situation. After the computer confirmed there wasn’t any, Tony quickly parked his car and boy was he glad to see no one else was here because frankly, he couldn’t deal with publicity or the F.B.I. right now. 

“Sir, may I warn you about your heartbeat raising rapidly? Please breathe slowly to avoid having a anxiety atta-“ “Yeah, I got it, JARVIS! Thanks for the info, buddy” he snapped. Sometimes he cursed himself for making his A.I. so intelligent and talkative. 

He leaned against the hood of his silver Audi, crossing his arms over his chest, and looked at the scene in front of him. At first it looked like a regular abandoned construction site, the dark accompanying the sunset not helping him see anything unusual. “JARVIS, give me a scan of the area.” 

Within a second a blue grid popped up and finally Tony could locate the abnormality. About a hundred feet straight ahead of him the familiar mark the Bifrost left behind lit up, showing a mass in the middle of it.

“Is that.. a body?”


	17. Puny God

(side note : this story doesn’t really follow any of the events from the Marvel movies except for the New York attack. The Avengers are already a big team much like in Infinity War (no spoilers btw)). 

Anthony cautiously made his way over to the spot JARVIS illuminated for him while he fidgeting with the bracelets around his wrists in a nervous moment. “JARVIS, report on the body, please?” “It is not from earth, sir. Heartrate is dangerously slow and so is body temperature. It is breathing but my calculations estimate the survival chances only being fourteen percent if medical care is not provided any time soon.” 

“Huh. Not from earth. Who would have guessed?” he huffed sarcastically in response. “Who are we dealing here with, JARVIS?” “Loki, sir.”  
Tony’s blood went cold right then and there. “That’s Loki?”. Though that question was mostly a rhetorical one the A.I. was still quick to tell his creator that yes, “that’s Loki”. 

“Hey, Reindeer Games? Can you hear me?” As there was no response the only thing Tony thought of was to grab a metal bar lying around and softly poking the body. He had not forgotten how the God of mischief had behaved in New York. Loki was powerful and literally the trickster God so he wasn’t going to take any risks.

After he gave the unresponsive body a soft nudge it rolled on its back and Tony just audibly gasped before letting the metal bar clatter to the ground. “My God. What happened to him?” Even JARVIS didn’t have a response to that question.

Tony wasted no time and picked Loki up as gently as he could and rushed to his car, already ordering JARVIS to call Steve and Bucky. Both the Captain and the Sergeant had accompanied Tony to Malibu about a year ago to get some well-deserved time off from the hectic Avengers life.

The entire team had scattered around the globe to be able to wrap their heads around what happened during the attack on New York and to deal with any traumas they had been through. Natasha had gone back to Russia, Clint went to his farm, Wanda and Pietro went back to Sokovia etc. 

Steve and Bucky were currently working at a Veteran’s hospital and rehabilitation center. It has been a great opportunity for them so far since they could integrate in society again, be in a familiar surrounding and have a relatively stress-free environment since it’s nothing they aren’t used to already.

“Hey, what’s up? Is everything alright?”. After a quick conversation -in which Tony left as many details out as possible- Steve and Bucky were on their way to his house with a fully equipped ambulance. During the entire ride back he couldn’t help throw nervous glances in his rear mirror to see if all of this wasn’t just some evil trick from the God but Loki remained unconscious on the backseat, not moving a muscle. 

Getting the body inside wasn’t a difficult task regarding the almost weightless state it was in and that was the first thing that worried Tony tremendously. Last time they had an encounter the God had been so muscular and powerful he threw another man through a window with little effort but now he looked like he would break a finger trying to squish a grape. 

All Tony could do was pace around nervously while waiting on the boys to arrive. Steve and Bucky lived in a house that was on the same property as his own Malibu retreat so if they were home it was literally a five minute walk from one front-door to another. 

The hospital however was a good twenty minutes away and the wait was killing him. ‘What if Loki dies right here in front of me? What if this is a trick after all and he stabs me to death? What if Fury or Coulson or anyone else finds out about this?’ The man was muttering all these questions to himself, lost in thought with a glass of scotch in his hand when the doorbell finally rang.

“What’s going on, Tony? You have to tell us!” Bucky half-yelled while frantically looking around the house, equipment bag in his hand. Steve, who had parked the ambulance out of sight, came in a minute later, of course in the same frantic state as his boyfriend.

“Guys, please calm down for a sec. What I’m about to tell, slash, show you must be kept secret, understood? I don’t want S.H.I.E.L.D. or anyone else on our backs since we finally got our peaceful and quiet lives here, you know? With jobs and a big garden and-“ “Just tell us Anthony!”

*

“Holy…” Steve was just staring, his eyes almost rolling out of his sockets while Bucky had a much calmer expression on his face but still with a deep frown between his eyebrows. “What happened to him?” James asked quietly. “I don’t know, Buck, but he needs help. JARVIS said he only has a fourteen percent survival chance.” “Eight percent now, sir.” In response to that Tony yelled a bunch of swearwords, ignoring Steve’s judging eyes.

“Alright, let’s get to work. Now!” Bucky said firmly while he and Steve rushed over to the bed Loki was lying on. Man, Tony was so glad he invested all that money in installing at least one emergency room in each facility. He went all out; each room being better equipped than the average hospital emergency or surgery room.

“Tony, help Buck undress Loki. I’ll get him hooked to the heart monitor and the oxygen machine and I’ll try to get some IV’s up and running.” Though Tony didn’t have any official medical degree he knew an astonishing amount about medical procedures due to research with JARVIS, minor tests he performed on his own body and all the live-saving first aid rounds the team had gone through.

The sight of the naked body on the operating table below him almost made him gag though. He had never seen a person that skinny and so dead looking while still being alive. 

Loki’s ribs were extremely visible through his skin, his hipbones, collarbones and facial bones were all sticking out so harshly they looked ready to break through the inhumanly pale skin. Said skin was a collage of scars, old wounds, new wounds, blood and bruises. 

The entire sight make Tony tremble and so lightheaded from the shock that he went to sit in a chair in the corner of the room and let the two other men do their job. 

The two soldiers made quick eye contact with each other and Steve announced that he needed to insert a breathing tube into Loki’s throat for the oxygen machine was not going to have enough effect. Within seconds both of them were standing close to the God’s head. Just as Steve was about to grab the tube a dreadful sound engulfed the room.

The sound of the heart monitor going dangerously close to flatlining.


	18. I saw the light

Tony was up on his feet in a second, his eyes frantically staring at the flat line on the monitor. “Bucky?! Steve?!” But neither man answered him as they were already busy placing the defibrillator pads on Loki’s chest. “120! Clear!” The first shock pushed through the lifeless body as all three of them held their breath in a moment of anticipation.

“Negative! 200, Clear!” Bucky yelled as Steve held down the pads tightly and sighed in aggravation when there was still no response. They exchanged another look that Anthony didn’t understand before upping the voltage to 350 in an attempt to get Loki’s heart beating again.

The second that followed the third shock must have been the longest of Tony’s life. Nothing could describe how heavy his heart felt and how much his abdomen were clenching together but then it happened. The line started showing more regular spikes. 

He didn’t think he could be so happy hearing the slow rhythmic beeping filling the room as he let himself fall back into the chair, not trusting his legs to keep him up one second longer. “Okay..” Steve sighed deeply, “that’s that. He’s not out of the danger zone yet though, we got to keep working. Bucky?” 

A quick nod was the response Steve got and both of them went back to were they left off. Tony was so grateful for Steve’s steady hands for the first attempt at getting the breathing tube in was successful and now they at least knew Loki was getting sufficient oxygen into his system.

“Hey, Tony, we need to get some x-rays to be able to judge the internal damage.” Stark quietly nodded and helped the two other men to get Loki on the table next to the bed and towards the x-ray machine.

Even though he couldn’t analyze the pictures himself, Bucky clasping a hand in front of his mouth was enough proof to show it wasn’t looking good at all. Steve went back to the table Loki was lying on while James walked over to Tony to give him an update, a hand softly squeezing the older man’s shoulder.

“A quick count leaves us with the conclusion he has about fifteen to twenty fractured bones including multiple ribs, both wrists, cracks in his hipbones, fractured jaw and multiple broken bones in his feet. Those are things we’ll have to fix later since they are not life-threatening and he’s far too weak now to undergo the additional surgeries to reset some of the fractures.

The pictures unfortunately also showed us some fluid in his lungs and internal bleedings around his liver, small intestines and colon so we’ll have to take him into surgery as soon as possible. Okay?”  
Bucky didn’t receive an answer so all he could do was offer Tony an encouraging smile and go back to helping Steve prepare everything for surgery.

*

Tony must have fallen asleep after James and Steve took Loki away because when he woke up it was light out already. “Ugh, fucking hell.” He groaned as he ran his hands over his tired face and stood up while stretching to soothe his aching bones. 

He looked around the emergency room but no one was there which meant they probably moved Loki to one of the recovery rooms Tony also had installed when building the house. It was quiet and Tony was for once glad it was Saturday, meaning Steve and Bucky didn’t have to go to work today and that he himself did not have to worry about some boring meetings. 

As quietly as he could he made his way to the closest recovery room and was happy to see the three men in there. Steve was fast asleep on the couch, looking even more tired than usual, Bucky was standing next to Loki’s bed, appearing to (still?) be taking care of some of the wounds, and Loki… Loki looked a teeny, tiny bit better.

Maybe it was seeing him in a clean and calm environment, surrounded by equipment that could save his life, that gave Tony the impression that Loki looked less, well, dead.

“Hey,” he softly whispered but soon regretted it as he was met with a knife pressed against his neck and Bucky’s face only inches away from his own. “Shit, Tony, you know not to sneak up on me.” There was a pause before he retracted the knife from Tony’s neck and apologized before coaxing him into the hallway where they could at least talk in peace.

“So…” Tony began while nervously picking at his t-shirt, “how’s everything going.” Bucky glanced at the closed door quickly before redirecting his gaze back at the brown eyes in front of him. “I’m gonna be honest, Anthony, we were up all night trying to save him. During the surgery he went back into cardiac arrest, twice. 

But luckily we managed to restart Loki’s hart both times and around six am we closed him up. There’s a lot of internal damage such as trauma from what we presume to be beatings, the bleedings of course but we were able to stop them relatively quickly, then there were also clear signs of starvation causing his organs to shut down slowly and there were also obvious signs of repetitive rape around the private parts. 

I don’t know what he’s been through, Anthony, but it’s a miracle he’s still alive. I mean I’ve seen some brutal things, even experienced a fair deal of it myself, but this his a whole new level of torture. Any mortal would have died months and months ago. We’re not even sure he’s going to make it. He’s still fighting for his life.”

Tony slowly let himself sink against the hallway wall and had no shame in crying his eyes out. Though he was still a bit traumatized by the New York attack and had been terrified of Loki for the longest of times he couldn’t help the heartbreaking feeling he was experiencing. After they found out Loki hadn’t been in control during the attacks and after finally trusting Thor’s stories about his little brother, the entire team agreed that the Trickster God was nothing more than a rebellious mind that wandered from the right path. 

Bucky sat down next to his friend and gently placed a hand on Tony’s shoulder as he had done the night before, slowly rubbing circles into to tense muscles beneath his fingers.  
It was eventually Tony who broke the silence when something suddenly hit him. “Wait, earlier you said something about ‘months and months’.” James sighed and nodded. “Yes.. There are some new wounds but also a lot of old ones. Judging by the healing and scarring some of the older ones are roughly a year and a half to two years old. He’s been through hell, Tony.”


	19. Some paths lead to Rome, others to recovery

After their morning talk Bucky went to catch some sleep after waking up Steve so they could change shifts. “Morning, Tony” the captain softly spoke as he made his way around the machines and IV’s.  
The breathing tube was removed from Loki’s throat and replaced by smaller tubes in his nose but the pads monitoring his heart remained on his chest. Tony silently watched as Steve took care of his ‘patient’ and wrote down as much as he could on his phone because he knew once Steve and James had to go back to work he’d be the one who’d have to take over.

“This is were we had to make incisions to stop the bleedings” Steve explained while pointing at a small, stitched up cut over the hipbone and another one located at the ribs. “We also stitched up some of the bigger wounds after cleaning them. A lot of the wounds were obviously left untreated for a prolonged time or simply left untreated in general which caused a lot of infections and bad healing. His back is the worst.” 

All Anthony could do was listen, watch and occasionally hand Steve some supplies. When he helped to roll Loki on his side he was shocked at the bruises that formed immediately where he had placed his hands on the God’s arm and side. “Holy… wow…”

Pure shock and horror were written on his face as he saw the battered back. The entire surface from Loki’s neck all the way down to his lower back was just covered in gashes surrounded by skin that had taken on a red, blue and purple shade, barely leaving any skin intact. 

“Yeah.. it’s bad.” Steve sighed.   
By the time they had finished cleaning every cut, gash and stitch, the bin just consisted of one big pile of bloodied pieces of gauze and empty surgical band-aid wrappers. “It’s important to keep the wounds as clean as possible to stop the infections from spreading and to speed up the healing process. We also have to keep an eye on his fever and vital signs so we can intervene quickly if his body goes back into shock.”

*

“Thanks” Tony said with a grateful tone in his voice, staring at the cup of coffee being placed in front of him by Steve. “After breakfast I’m going to take a closer look at the x-rays and try to stabilize some of the fractures. He’s lucky none of the broken ribs threaten to damage or even puncture his lungs, well… as far as we can speak of ‘luck’ here.” 

The next hour was spent in silence. Tony and Steve had their coffee, some toast and fruit and then went back to the room where the captain started examining the fractures and writing down a bunch of notes along the way. “Phew.. he’s going to be bedridden for a long time.” Cap eventually said, breaking the silence. “Hey, Tony, come here for a second.” 

Steve pushed a full-body x-ray under Anthony’s nose and pointed at the first red circle starting from the top. The circle was drawn around Loki’s jaw where a clear black line divided the bone in two pieces. “This is the first of many fractures we’ll have to fix. 

What we’ll do is the following : the two pieces of bone are placed back in the right alignment and are then secured with a little plate held together by screws. For now all we can do is make sure his jaw is stabilized. If he remains unconscious and / or continues being fed through a feeding tube for the next couple of weeks that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”

Tony was resting his head in his hand while occasionally flicking his eyes up to Steve and then back at the x-ray. He was quiet, very quiet, which is rare for the great Anthony Stark. But what else was he supposed to do? 

He had nothing to say, no words to describe what he was feeling and not even a smart remark to throw in there. How Steve and Bucky remained so calm through all of this was a mystery to him.   
“Now, here is a minor fracture,” Steve continued as he pointed at the circle drawn around a faint line located on Loki’s right collar bone. “it doesn’t require any surgical intervention, only an arm sling to keep it steady and keep it from evolving into a more serious fracture.

Before we can place his arm into it though we have to apply the casts around his wrists.” Steve let his pen glide from the circle around the left wrist to the right one and softly sighed in a pained way.  
The Captain paused for a minute, a frown on his forehead while he softly sucked on his bottom lip. “You know what? I’m going to work step by step and fix the broken bones while I make my way through the x-ray so I don’t forget any of them.” And with that he stood up, quietly walking towards the supply closet before grabbing a box full of bandages, plaster, pads, gauze etc. and placing it on the operating table where Loki had been lying on only a few hours before. 

He was laying out all the materials when Tony came standing next to him. “Let me help.” Steve nodded and made his way towards Loki’s bed where he softly grabbed the God’s right arm and slowly moved the wrist till he was happy with the position it was in. “Here, please hold his arm and wrist still.” 

Tony did as he was asked, only moving his hands when Steve pulled a stockinette all the way up to Loki’s elbow before rolling some kind of padding material around it. “His arm isn’t swollen so we don’t have to make it an open cast. What color do you want, Tony?” Cap softly chuckled at his own silly question and the little joke surprisingly lifted the tense mood in the room a bit.

“There, take the dark blue one. It’ll suit him well.” “Good choice, Stark.” The dark blue roll was dipped in the bowl of water and then carefully rolled around Loki’s lower arm and hand. It was weird seeing how, even with the now hardened cast around it, the arm still looked extremely thin but Tony didn’t try to think about it as they still had a long day ahead.

After the cast had hardened Steve slid the arm into the arm sling, loosely secured the strap around the ribs as to not damage the broken bones beneath and then secured the strap that went over Loki’s left and not broken collar bone. “So.. Jaw is stable for now, right broken wrist has a plaster, right broken collar bone is stabilized. 

Now, his left wrist is broken too but as you can see he has a big cut here that we had to stitch up.” Steve gently turned Loki’s arm, showing the inside of it where a big surgical band-aid covered half of the inside of Loki’s lower arm. 

“We can’t put a plaster around it for we need to clean the wound two times a day so what we’ll do is secure the fracture with a brace for now.” Tony could only agree quietly and ran his hands over his tired face for what must have been the twentieth time that morning. 

“There’s nothing we can do about the broken ribs, neither can we fix the cracks in his hipbones. Those fractures will have to heal on their own but we’ll keep a close eye on them to monitor the process.” Another quick look at the x-rays made the Captain come to his next point.

“The last few fractures are located here, here, and here.” He said as he pointed at Loki’s right ankle, right foot and left foot. “The ankle will require surgery, just as the jaw. Feet are more delicate but this fracture right here, located on the inside of the left foot, will need screws to be set back in place, too. For now he’ll receive casts on both legs.”

“Will he ever recover from this? I mean if he even survives this. Will he ever walk again? Be able to move without pain?!” Tony was almost shouting by the end of his outburst and tears were already rolling down his cheeks. Without second thought Steve took Tony in his arms and held him in a tight hug till the smaller body stopped trembling.

All the commotion had woken up Bucky who had been sleeping on the couch on the far end of the room the entire time. He walked up to the two men hugging and lovingly brushed his fingers through Steve’s hair before kissing him. “Are you alright, Anthony?” James asked while in turn pulling Tony into a hug. 

“Yeah.. I’m sorry I woke you up. It’s just.. seeing a living being in such a state breaks my heart. Constant images of torture cross my mind and it’s ugly. I know we, the Avengers, discussed letting Loki come back to earth and even accept him into our team but I never imagined this would be our reunion.”

“Hey, listen,” Bucky spoke in a calm and gentle way, “we’re all worried for him. Frankly, this is the most extreme case I’ve ever had to deal with but he’s in good hands now. Steve and I will do our absolute best to get Loki through this. You can catch up on some sleep. We got it from here.”


	20. Car accident

When Tony woke up again a few hours later, his bedroom was already filled with a soft glow from the afternoon sun meaning he got about four hours of sleep. Before going to the recovery room he decided to prepare one of the guest rooms for Steve and Bucky so they could at least get some decent sleep opposed to sleeping on a couch.

He made some coffee as he stared through the big floor to ceiling windows in the kitchen and brought it with him to Loki’s room so the two others could have some as well if they’d like. When he arrived at the door he stopped in the door opening though and took in the sight, his eyes slowly gliding over the two connected rooms.

The room in front of him was one of the recovery rooms. It looked like a mix between a hospital room and a cozy bedroom. A big and soft black carpet covered most of the floor, leaving only the space around the bed to be black tiles in case of any accidents including bodily fluids. Hey, quality carpets are expensive, okay?

The furniture consisted of a grey couch (the same color as the walls), a matching chair, a desk, some cabinets for medical material and a bedside table, closet and shelves for personal use of the patient. The bed itself was like a hospital bed, only twice as big and equipped with more blankets and pillows.

Around the bed were some typical things you’d find in a hospital such as a little structure to hold up IV’s, a heart monitor and a computer used for documenting medical records.

The room was connected to the emergency room on the left by big double doors that could be easily closed or opened if necessary. It was a standard operating room but with more advanced and more modern equipment, also slightly bigger than you’d expect.

When he let his eyes go back to the recovery room in front of him, he finally had the courage to look at Loki lying in the bed and it was just as heartbreaking as he’d expected, maybe even more. He looked like someone who’d been in the worst car accident imaginable.

A thermo regulated blanket was covering about half of his body, leaving his lower legs, his arms and everything from the chest up bare. It was now Bucky who was busy taking care of the man while Steve was asleep on the couch. “Hi, Tony. Feeling a bit better?” He smiled and nodded, pointing at the coffee pot before placing it down on the desk and taking place in the chair. 

Both of Loki’s legs now also had a dark blue cast around them, these ones going up to the knee. Tony’s eyes slid up to Loki’s upper legs and he felt dizzy at the sight. Besides being extremely thin they were covered in bruises. Some cuts that must be located at the back of his thighs were so long and big they made their way up to the front of the thighs, making them even visible from where Tony was sitting.

The arm in the arm sling was placed on his stomach and very subtly moved when Loki took a small breath. Only a part of the cast was visible for the rest was covered by the fabric of the sling. His left arm with the wrist brace was placed by his side and showed the same kinds of bruises and cuts as Loki’s thighs and legs. 

Tony had to stop looking for a second and pressed his trembling hand against his wet eyes, taking in a shaky breath. It took him some minutes to recollected himself a bit but he finally opened his dark brown eyes again and went back at scanning the body lying there so lifelessly.

The pale chest clearly displayed the ribs located beneath it and rose up and down in either short or very slow movements, worrying Stark even more. Finally, the face. It was the hardest to look at because a body is a body but it is only when you look at the face that it becomes a person.

Loki’s face had the same pale, almost transparent skin as the rest of his body, only his cheeks had a soft pink blush coating them. The bruises on his face were less prominent but still very clearly there. He had a big purple area on his left cheekbone that ended on the right side of his nose. His jaw, and eye sockets also had little bruises around them.

Bucky caught Tony’s attention and called him over to the side of Loki’s bed. “As you can see we stabilized the fractures in the ankle and feet as well. Also, he’s already been unconscious for approximately twenty-four hours so we emptied his bladder. He hasn’t eaten much the past months and now all he has received were liquid nutrients via IV’s so emptying his bowels wasn’t very hard.”

James pushed the blanket up a bit and showed the special boxer-looking underwear Loki was now wearing. “It’s a type of absorbent pads. If he doesn’t regain consciousness within a week we’ll probably have to insert a catheter to take care of his bathroom needs but that’s a worry for later.” 

After he draped the blanket back over Loki’s body, Bucky gently squeezed Tony’s arm. “I’m not going to sugarcoat this. He isn’t out of the danger zone yet. We’ll have to keep a very close eye on him for the next few weeks but if we take in account what his body had to endure he’s doing remarkably okay.”

“I noticed earlier his breathing wasn’t very even, is that normal?” “Yes, as long as it’s not getting dangerously unstable there’s nothing we can do about it. His lungs suffered a lot so they’re adapting to the extra oxygen right now. His breathing should even out over the next few days.”

*

“How do you stay so calm during all of this?” Tony eventually asked Bucky as they were both sipping on their second cup of coffee. “Steve and I have both served during the war and are now working in the ER so we’ve seen a lot of injuries. And it’s not like we become immune to seeing people in horrible shape but in those moments my mind just shifts.

It’s a bit like the Winter Soldier but in a less extreme form. When they summon the Winter Soldier my mind shifts and focusses on what it’s been trained to do. In situations like these we hold people’s lives in our hands, we’re the front line so we can’t afford panic or fear.

You learn to kind of block out your own personal emotions and focus on the person who’s life is now your responsibility. We have to work fast and correctly so we have to concentrate and stay calm.  
Does that make sense?”

Bucky chuckled nervously as he realized how much he just rambled. He’s normally a quite quiet person so hearing himself talk and having the attention focused on him was still a bit awkward to him. His insecurities were quickly cut short though when Tony’s soft voice took over.

“Yeah, wow. Bucky… thanks.” Stark had grown quiet again and the silence that fell upon them was actually very comfortable.

Ever since Steve and James moved to Malibu with him they had grown a lot closer. The entire team had gone through some pretty extreme stuff together so they had a bond that was even thicker than blood but being at different ends of the world meant they didn’t spend much time together. 

The entire situation with Loki, that had only unfolded a bit over twenty-four hours ago, was another situation that would make their bond even stronger because let’s be honest: not many people could get through situations together like the Avengers do. 

*

It was eventually Bucky who broke the silence by asking if Tony wanted to help again. “What else is there to do?” “I’m going to wash him, starting with his hair. It will keep his body clean and will probably give him a more comfortable feeling, even in his unconscious state.”

“Jeez, wow.” Tony exclaimed when Bucky carefully pulled Loki’s hair from underneath his body and laid the black hair down. It reached all the way to Loki’s elbow but was in pretty bad shape. “There’s a lot of knots in there so we’ll start with shampooing it to get all the dirt out first, then apply a good amount of conditioner and lotion to make it smooth and after it’s been rinsed we can brush it and braid it so it doesn’t get tangled up and stays out of the way.”

“How do you know so much about hair-care?” Tony chuckled and playfully poked James in the ribs. “You’ve seen how long my hair is when it’s not up in a bun, right? Also.. three sisters.” Tony had to admit Bucky’s hair was indeed quite long; it reached his collar bones when worn down. 

“Alright, so since his hair is so long, the easiest will be to have a small tub of water next to the bed and wash it in there. The part that doesn’t reach the water will be washed like we wash bedridden patient’s hair. We’ll place a little plastic sink under his head and wash it that way.”

Though Tony wasn’t used to taking care of long hair he was still enjoying himself and was glad he could put his hands to use. Normally he’d be in his work place all day so now at least he could ‘work’ on something. The building of many small particles for his machines made that he could handle delicate things such as gently brushing out the biggest knots in Loki’s hair while massaging some conditioner into it.

Bucky was good at this too. His hands were trained to dismantle bombs and perform surgeries. It took them roughly an hour to get through washing the hair and another half hour of brushing it but the result was satisfying. 

The black hair was laid on a towel next to Loki to dry and already looked a lot better now that it was clean and smooth. “I’m going to wash his body now. I suggest you leave the room for this, Tony.” Bucky smiled at the other man in a warm way and explained why he suggested it when he saw the confused look staring back it him.

“Seeing Loki is clearly traumatizing for you and your memories of your own torture are triggered too much by this. We worked so hard on helping you cope with PTSD, I wouldn’t want you to spiral down that dark path again, Anthony.” 

Bucky was right and he knew it. After a moment of silence he nodded and hugged James, thanking him for everything. Tony took a last look at Loki and decided to take his Audi R8 for a drive.


	21. Asgardian tech

Tony came home around one A.M. that night. At first, he was surprised to see Bucky was awake but he quickly remembered the shifts they had planned out. Steve had the day shift, Bucky the night shift and since Tony had no regular schedule at all they collectively decided he could help out whenever he was awake and had time.

“Hi, James.” He said as a way to make his presence known to the former assassin. “Oh, good you’re here. I have something to say on Loki’s condition.” Tony threw his friend a questioning look and decided to pour himself a glass of alcohol before sitting down at the bar, opposite of were James was standing.

“So, Loki woke up. It was very brief and intense but in the end the conclusion is that his body his diminishing the fight against consciousness a little bit, which is a positive thing. Although nobody can be certain, this generally means we’ll see his condition improve slowly.”

“Why’d you say it was intense? Did something happen?” Bucky frowned and turned his gaze away. He eventually walked around the bar and took place on the stool next to Tony in order to obtain a better sense of conversation.

“It was about eleven P.M. so Steve was slowly preparing the last hour of his shift while I was filling my body with caffeine since it is my first night shift. Everything was calm, nothing out of the ordinary, but as Steve was giving Loki a quick bath with a washcloth he noticed Loki’s hand twitching so we started observing his vital signs and keeping a close eye on him.

When Loki eventually opened his eyes he looked confused. Which is, again, nothing out of the ordinary, but he didn’t seem to recognize us, at all. On top of that he looked terrified of Steve and I. He tried moving which of course isn’t very possible regarding the state he’s in and it obviously caused him a great deal of pain.

All patients we’ve seen regain consciousness or wake up from a coma have either screamed, asked questions or tried to communicate by making sound but not Loki. His mouth was open as if he was screaming but not a single sound came out.

He started panicking and with the little strength he has he tried kicking us, getting away and ripping at his IV’s. It may sound extreme when I tell you this, Tony, but because he’s so weak it looked more like a newborn baby trying to move around.

Nevertheless, we had to stop him because he was causing even more damage to his body. Steve had to eventually give him a mild tranquilizer to calm him down. Loki fell unconscious not long after that.”  
It remained silent in Tony’s penthouse for a while. He once again had no words. He who normally is a waterfall of words, remarks and sarcasm now needed to actually take the time to come up with a response. Tony cleared his throat and eventually found the courage to look Bucky in the eyes again before letting his voice fill the room.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. That does sound intense, James, I’m glad everyone is okay. Regarding his silence, do you think they damaged his vocal cords? I have so many unanswered questions but I’m too tired to go into them now and I can imagine your night ahead is already long enough.”

Bucky laughed softly but squeezed Tony’s hand reassuringly. “The x-rays don’t show anything in the neck area but we haven’t checked his throat thoroughly yet. By the way, Tony, could you take a look at that collar he has around his neck tomorrow? 

It’s digging into his skin so the sooner it can be removed, the better. I don’t see any opening though and maybe it’s some weird Asgardian tech but I’ll leave that up to you.”  
“Thanks Bucky, really. What you and Steve have done the past couple of days has been amazing and I can not thank you guys enough for wanting to help me out with this.”

*

If you would have told anyone Tony Stark had any kind of emotions five years ago, they would have laughed in your face. He was known to be an egocentric person with no sympathy for anyone but himself. 

When Nick Fury approached him about the Avengers initiative it was a calculated risk. Placing a person inside a group that thinks the world resolves around him could be dangerous but it ended up being one of the best decisions S.H.I.E.L.D. has ever made.

Working in a team and being around them for long periods will eventually create a bond. Not only that but also the characters of the others had a great effect on Tony. Clint taught him to be careful during battles because there’s always people at home who love you and are waiting for you.

Natasha taught him forgiveness and helped him focus, Peter showed him a great deal of joy and trust and after watching Steve and Bucky find each other again and work out difficult problems together he learned that there’s always a solution.

Being with the Avengers had taught him so many new life lessons and values that in the end he was the one that felt the most compassion towards Loki.   
For him to sit there and genuinely thank someone for their help and acknowledge the other’s efforts was a big leap since his days as a billionaire partygoer and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

*

The first thing Tony did the following morning was inspect the collar around Loki’s neck. Just like Bucky had said there was no opening in it and it’s too small to fit over one’s head. When he asked J.A.R.V.I.S. about the material it soon became clear that it was not from earth.

He decided to put on the glove from one of his suits and try to break the thick band that way, of course hoping he wouldn’t wake up the person wearing said band but as soon as he put some pressure on it a blast of energy shoved him to the ground, taking him and Steve by surprise.

“Huh.” Tony huffed as he inelegantly gathered himself from the floor. “So… magic stuff.” Steve said while keeping his eyes fixed on his patient and nervously running a hand through his short hair. “Maybe we should try to find Thor.”

Anthony had to agree on that one. If there’s one person who knew how to take that thing off it would be the Thunderer himself. Two phone calls later and Miss Jane Foster was arranging a meeting. Bringing another God into this made them a bit nervous, scared for the attention it could possibly attract, but they didn’t have much choice.  
When magic was involved and when even J.A.R.V.I.S. had no solution it was best to seek other resources of help for the task. 

*

“Hey, Steve, what’s that? It looks like the marks I got when the arc reactor was poisoning me.” Tony said as he pointed at a ‘crossword puzzle’ looking design that ran from Loki’s jaw to his collar bone. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen something like it except for when you had it.

However your marks were blue, these are green” Steve answered while taking a closer look at the affected area.  
“Indeed they are.” A frown crept onto the engineer’s forehead as he sat behind the desk and rested his head in his hand, lost in deep thought.  
“You think something is poisoning him?”


	22. Déjà-vu

It was during the early hours of the following day that a fairly loud crash on the roof announced Thor’s arrival. “Man of iron,” he greeted with his gravely voice before entering the building, only then did he notice the two other men. “Captain Steve Rogers, Mister Buchanan.”

“So why did you call me here? Is something wrong?” All four of them where new seated on the expensive white couches of Stark’s home, glances being exchanged over their cups of coffee.

“Actually, we require your assistance with something.” Said Bucky with a soft voice. “Your brother, Loki, was found by Tony about six days ago now. He was in a very critical condition. We did, and are still doing everything we can to help him pull through.

However, we stumbled upon a type of collar he is wearing. We tried removing it because it’s digging into his skin but it was then that we were made clear that it contained some form of magic. We were hoping you could shed some light on that.”

Thor was just staring straight ahead, his jaw clenched shut and his normally soft expression now one of what one could presume to be anger. 

No one dared to speak so they calmly waited for the God to make the move. Eventually he took a deep breath and adverted his gaze back at the group.

“I have been looking for Loki the past few days but not even Heimdall could find him. Why? I do not know but I am glad he has been found. My father banished Loki but I did not know where to and feared he had maybe fallen into the wrong hands. This collar you ask me about.. I’m willing to help.”

It was quite noticeable how Tony, Bucky and Steve where all wondering what had happened to Loki before his banishment and why he was banished in the first place but when Tony found the courage to ask Thor about he was met with a “I wish to not discuss it”, only raising the suspicions even more.

“I wish to see my brother now.” Was all he said before standing up and giving the other men in the room a look that left no space for discussion.

When Thor entered the room and saw Loki laying there he didn’t even seem fazed, as if this wasn’t the first time he had seen his sibling in such a state. It made Tony angry in some way. How can you not be shocked or emotional after seeing something like that?

It was only after they had taken place in the living room again that a much anticipated explanation came to be. 

“That collar holds a spell. A very specific spell actually. It was designed to suppress Loki’s magic, only leaving enough of it to keep him alive because he would die if you’d take all his magic away. Odin had it put around Loki’s neck when he imprisoned him. Normally Loki heals very quickly as you might have noticed yourselves in the past but now he has to heal like a mortal would, which obviously takes a lot more time. I can not remove it myself, the only person who can is our healer; he has knowledge of every spell known to Asgardians.”

Thor was quiet for a moment, thinking, before he spoke again.

“The green marks beneath his skin… they’re poison marks. His magic has been suppressed for so long that it is starting to fight back. It sees it has no way to survive so it is attacking and trying to destroy itself, Loki’s body along with it. Given the already fragile state he is in he will not survive another week at this rate so this is an urgent matter. I will get the healer here as soon as possible.”

Tony sighed and abruptly stood up to pour himself a drink even though it was eight A.M. When he returned he didn’t sit down but took place in front of Thor and cleared his throat.

“So you’re not going to tell us what happened to Loki? When I found him he was nearly dead and his heart stopped beating THREE TIMES!” Stark’s voice was raising with every word until he was yelling and drilling his eyes into Thor’s skull. He wanted answers.

“He is as malnourished as a Jew in a concentration camp, he has more broken bones than most people after a car crash, his body looks like a battle field for fuck’s sake!”

He ignored the dirty look he got from Steve for cussing and instead grabbed Thor’s collar who was now standing up and right in front of him. “What the fuck happened to Loki, Thor?”

Tony slowly let go off the taller man’s t-shirt and let himself sink down on the leather couch before taking a sip from the glass of alcohol held in his trembling hand. “What happened to him?”

“Fine. I’ll tell you what happened. But be advised; it’s not a pretty story.”

*

One hour and a half later and everyone was now informed of the gruesome journey Loki had gone through and man, did the mood in the room become heavy. Thor could of course only tell his side of the story and he did not know most of the details but they were all smart enough to put one and two together and deduce most of the story.

“I’m glad it was you guys that found him. I cannot begin to imagine how it would have gone if he had ended up somewhere else.  
Thank you for the care you have provided my brother with, I will never be able to repay you for this. What I can do is make the healer pay you a visit to get the collar off. That way Loki’s magic can slowly begin to heal and even though that will take months it will at least speed up his healing process a bit.” 

The three of them watched as Thor took off with Mjölnir pointed at the sky, leaving a cloud of dust and a burning pattern on Tony’s roof. 

Barely a word was spoken during the remainder of that day. The three of them had visibly been deeply affected by the story and it undoubtedly triggered some feelings within themselves. Tony even heard Bucky crying softly as he was approaching the door to Loki’s room and it broke his heart.

These men knew what it was to be tortured, to have someone play with your mind, to go through moments that seem to be coming straight out of a horror movie but yet they were silenced by this story.

Perhaps because deep down they knew that even if they combined everything all three of them had gone through, it still did not come close to what Loki had experienced.

Perhaps because they feared what Loki’s future may hold, if there even was a future for him.

Perhaps it was both.


	23. Trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ! I hope you are enjoying the story so far. Just a quick note to say I'm working on some sketches to accompany this fic and will post them soon.

The days that followed Thor’s visit left the Malibu house engulfed in a strange and heavy mood. Especially Tony and Bucky had a hard time after hearing Loki’s story full of scenarios that were triggers to their own PTSD, rendering them exhausted and petulant.

Steve eventually sat them down to have a conversation about any difficulties they were experiencing because he needed his two companions to be up and running. He was at the end of a twenty-four hour shift and couldn’t continue taking care of Loki on his own.

Tony had been drinking the nights away while Bucky often disappeared for hours on end. Although Steve understood triggers and PTSD very well he also knew they couldn’t go on like that for it might result in a downward spiral and eventual relapses into bad habits. 

“Hey, listen guys. I know how hard this must be for the both of you. Seeing Loki like this and now the story that accompanies our earlier suspicions… it must bring back some unpleasant memories but I need you two by my side.

You can take it slow and take some quiet time when it all becomes too much but I can’t take care of Loki on my own. He needs twenty-four hour care and being a super-soldier doesn’t mean I don’t need sleep.” 

A soft smile accompanied the Captain’s gentle but stern voice and it seemed to work.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Steve. Now please get some rest babe, we got it from here.” Tony couldn’t help himself rolling his eyes as Steve and Bucky exchanged a loving gaze before kissing so he stood up with a groan and hesitantly made his way to Loki’s room.

More often than not he found himself leaning against the door frame, merely looking at the unresponsive being in the bed in front of him. It always took some effort to get his legs to start moving and actually enter the room to begin his tasks, partially shutting his own fears and emotions off along the way.

Today was another one of these days where he couldn’t get himself to enter the room immediately, instead he just stood there; arms crossed over his chest and head tilted sideways just a bit as a concerned and pitiful look rested on his face.

Tony could hear Steve and James having a quiet conversation in the living room which created a soft background noise that made him zone out even more. Only when he suddenly heard a pained moan did he snap back to reality.

Tony’s brown eyes widened in a panic, his legs failing him once again and his arc reactor buzzing wildly in his chest.  
Loki was moving.

At first Tony couldn’t really comprehend what was happening. Was it even real? But his doubts were swept away when the body moved again and that same pained noise rang in his hears. His instincts finally took over as he rushed to the bed and yelled for the others’ help.

Not a moment later did Bucky and Steve rush into the room and start examining Loki’s vitals which, for now, all seemed quite normal for his state so all they could do was stand by the bed, ready to hold their patient down if he started trashing around again.

Tony on the other hand had taken place on the bed, very carefully as to not hurt Loki in any way, and had taken said person’s hand in his own, rubbing small circles on the cold skin. It was something his mother did for him when he was just a boy and it always calmed him down so he hoped it would work in this situation at well.

Surprisingly, it did. Where before Loki was clenching his muscles and jerking around he was now lying relatively still apart from the quick and shallow breaths rushing through his chest. Tony was wiping away some of the sweat that had formed on Loki’s forehead with a cloth he received from Steve when the God slowly but surely opened his eyes.

Though remembering them to be a much more vivid blue, Tony would recognize these eyes staring back at him anywhere. The moment didn’t last long though for Loki pulled his hand back in what appeared to be sheer panic and tried to move as far away from the men standing around his bed as possible. 

It scared Tony so he got up from the bed and took a few steps back, letting Steve and Bucky hold Loki down, hoping they could at least get him to stop endangering himself. A full minute passed and the God was still hopelessly trying to get away, tears running down his cheeks, chest heaving with effort and arms trembling from exhaustion.

“Tony, if you could just inject a sedative into his IV that’d be great!” Steve chimed in, voice weak from the effort that went into trying to get Loki to hold still.

“Wait,” said Sark with a mixture of determination and doubt in his voice, “let him go. Give him some space.” Of course the two other men gave him a questioning look and it took a moment of convincing to actually let go of the thin arms in their grip.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Tony began, his palms up in front of his chest in a surrendering way. “We’re not going to hurt you, Loki. We’re here to help. You were found in the streets and Steve, Bucky and I have been doing everything in our might to save your life the last two weeks.”

The softness of Anthony’s voice seemed to have a minor calming effect on the person being addressed and soon Loki’s pupils began to return to a less dilated state though he was still trying to push his body up and away from them.

“You remember me right? My name is Tony, Tony Stark. That’s Bucky and that’s Steve. We’ve all met before. Do you remember? Your brother, Thor, came to visit two days ago. He knows you’re here and that you’re safe. You don’t have to be afraid of us. Nothing can hurt you here and we will personally make sure no one will ever hurt you again.”

Tony gave Loki a soft smile when the latter finally stopped trying to get away. Whether it was from pure exhaustion or whether it was because he actually had listened to Stark didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Loki was awake and was not hurting himself anymore.

After the three of them had quickly discussed the situation, they decided that Steve should finally go get his sleep, Bucky would take post outside of Loki’s door as to be close if anything happened or if medical attention was required but not in the room itself as to not frighten Loki, and Tony would stay in the room.

Loki was utterly exhausted from the ordeal but having not received any sedative his body was so full of adrenaline that it kept him conscious and awake. The blue eyes were fixed on Tony, who had since taken place in the chair in the corner furthest away from the bed. They were still filled with an incredible amount of fear which broke Tony’s heart deep down.

He did not have time for his own emotions though, he was to divert his full attention to the patient. There was just something that bothered him : after hearing Thor’s story it came as no surprise that Loki would be traumatized and terrified upon waking up but he did not seem to recognize any of them. Maybe what he went through was even more gruesome as to what Thor had expected.

“I’m just going to stay here, if that’s okay with you? We’ve been watching over you non-stop so we could intervene if anything went wrong. All the tubes and wires must be annoying and itchy but they’re there to help you recover.

The one going into your hand is connected to those bags.” Said Tony as he pointed at the pouches above Loki’s head. The movement startled Loki however and Tony quickly apologized, making a mental note not to make any sudden or rushed moves.

“In those bags are some fluids which hold nutrients and painkillers. The little mechanism around your finger monitors your heart, it’s displayed on the screen right there.” Tony now pointed in the direction of the things he was referring to with his eyes. Loki didn’t follow his gaze though, his eyes still remained fixated on the man sitting in his room.

“The tube that goes from your nose over your ears provides you with extra oxygen. There’s also a tube going into your nose, Steve inserted it yesterday. That one goes directly to your stomach and provides you with food. Though the quantities are teeny-tiny now they should help you feel a bit better and provide your body with more energy.”

Tony decided that was enough information for now. At least that way Loki new what all the equipment was around him and that it was there to help him, not harm it. The genius billionaire had already come up with a plan on how to deal with this situation but it was a calculated risk.

He had no experience with trauma victims but he did have a rescue dog when he was young. Loki wasn’t a dog of course but the similar approach had a chance of working.

He would stay with Loki for as many hours a day as possible to make him accustomed to his presence. In the beginning he would only speak a little to let Loki grow used to his voice in a slow way without scaring him with the noise. Movements would be limited at first, obviously to avoid triggering panic or scaring the patient, and would only grow more frequent in a very calm and prolonged timeline.

So after his quick medical explanation Tony pulled out his tablet and started working on some long-due projects, answering e-mails and general boring ‘I have to run a company’ stuff.

About an hour went by when he first looked up from his screen and he was happy to find the piercing eyes not fixated on him anymore but getting droopy as they were directed towards the soft duvet.

When the two hour mark hit he dared to glance up again and there it was : a first step in the right direction. Loki was asleep.

Tony was well aware Loki only fell asleep because his body was still too weak and the little fight it had put up earlier had completely drained it from energy but still… this time Loki did not lose consciousness or was not put to sleep by a sedative. 

Though these observations stated a more than welcome positive physical change it also meant that despite the panic of earlier his body gave in to the fight against sleep and eventually let the fear and adrenaline settle enough to fall asleep.

A warm smile crept onto Tony’s lips as he cherished this little victory.


	24. Glow

“Everyone, quiet.” 

The healer’s instructions are clear and immediately obliged the moment his dark voice commands them. All eyes are focused on the strange man by Loki’s bed, even Thor seems to have a slightly worried look on his face.

Words that no one understood started filling the room in a threatening way, accompanied by dark orange and glowing runes gliding across the thick metal collar around the Loki’s neck. It only took a matter of seconds for the temperature in the room to drop to an uncomfortably cold level, so cold frost started creeping up the windows.

Loki’s skin began showing a soft blue color around his throat which eventually spread out to his cheeks and chest, enough to show the lines and patterns of his Jötun form on the delicate skin beneath.  
“What the f is happening?” Muttered Tony under his breath but before he, and undoubtedly the others as well, could be weirded out even more the whole ordeal looked like it was coming to an end.

The Healer’s chanting slowed down and when he opened his eyes again the collar started dissolving before disappearing into little golden flakes, leaving only the wounded skin behind where it once sat.  
It was Thor who took it upon him to discuss the situation with the Healer and later inform Tony, Bucky and Steve of the outcome. 

“The Healer warns us. We must be careful. Now that the collar is removed, Loki’s magic will slowly come back. Though it wall take months to reappear fully we must not forget how powerful it can be. We must also keep a close eye on him to see how he reacts to the removal of the collar.”

And with that Thor was on his way back to Asgard, leaving the three men to figure it out.

“Well, I think we’ve all seen enough spooky stuff for the rest of our lives now.” Tony said half joking, half serious in regards to the Healer’s work.

It was still early in the morning when the calm settled back in which meant Bucky’s shift was over and Steve would now join Tony in taking care of Loki. 

The first thing they had to do was take care of the wounds the collar had created over time. The cuts and rashes had not been able to be accessed for quite some time so they were a bit infected and not healing very well, only adding to the many healings his body was already going through.

“Can you keep his hair out of the way, please? Or even better ; can you put it up in a bun? Doesn’t have to be pretty, it’s just so we can access his neck more easily and keep it sterile.”   
Tony followed the Captain’s orders and rolled up the long braid into a surprisingly decent bun. Satisfied with himself he took a step back and directed his attention back to Steve to await new directions.

It took them about forty-five minutes to disinfect, stitch up and clean the wounds, ending with a bandage being loosely wrapped around everything to keep it protected.

“He gets the full treatment today ; a bath, full cleaning and care of all the wounds, replacement of band-aids and some stretching exercises. It’s also time to insert a catheter for his liquid waste.”

“Did you say exercise? And why the decision for the catheter?” Though Tony had gather an impressive amount of medical information over the years he wasn’t a doctor and did not know every step in this process, hence his occasional confusion.

It obviously didn’t bother neither Steve or Bucky. On the contrary ; they were more than happy for the extra help and would always patiently explain things to Anthony when needed.  
“We give Loki some ‘exercise’ by slightly changing his position often enough and by stretching and stimulating his muscles. This is to avoid sores and stiffness. 

As shown to you before, Loki wears boxer that are a form of adult nappy which is the easiest way to collect any waste that comes from his colon. Though he’s not on solid food yet, the nutrients we give him through the feeding tube do come out somewhere.

What Bucky and I have done the past two weeks is empty Loki’s bladder for him. He’s been given more fluids and has not been conscious enough to go to the bathroom himself so the easiest for everyone is to insert a catheter that will collect his fluid waste into a bag.”

Tony nodded slowly and was secretly impressed by Steve’s medical talk. For a moment he didn’t see ‘Captain America’ in front of him anymore but he saw Doctor Rogers. It had a soothing effect on him.   
When you have someone staying in your house that needs such detailed and elaborate medical care you’d be very relieved to have two amazing doctors by your side. 

“Now as you can hear there’s enough work for the next few hours. You don’t have to stay, Tony. I know Loki’s state can trigger you so you can walk away any time you like. No questions asked, no offense taken.”

The Captain -or doctor- gave Tony a genuine and understanding smile before the both of them got to work after Stark decided he would stay. 

A towel was carefully wrapped around Loki’s shoulders and neck so the fresh bandages wouldn’t get wet or dirty in the process. It was tony who undid the braid and ran a brush through the black hair while Steve prepared a tub of water, soap and all the medical supplies needed.

“What if he wakes up?” The question made Steve look up and quickly glance at Loki. “He probably won’t. His morphine dose has been augmented which has as a side effect that it makes people sleepy or drowsy but if for some reason he does wake up we’ll take a few step backs and see how he’ll react this time.”

*

J.A.R.V.I.S. was asked to play some calm instrumental music in the room, making the working dynamic a bit more relaxed. They worked in almost complete silence, apart from the occasional direction given, remark made or question asked.

It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence though. It seemed to always appear whenever any of them were taking care of Loki for it wasn’t exactly a pretty sight or easy task they were dealing with.  
The quiet left space for personal thoughts and coping mechanisms to find their way. 

*

Luckily for them Loki didn’t wake up or move during the three hours and a half they spent on getting most of it done. The long black hair had been washed, brushed and braided. The pale and battered skin had been cleaned and soothed with ointment. And the many wounds had been disinfected, taken care of and bandaged.

All that was left to do was do the stretching exercises and insert the catheter but Tony needed a break. He had wiped away enough tears already during the past few hours so it was time for some food and a drink.

Steve joined him about an hour later, exhausted but happy they had a productive morning and a calm patient. The two of them had a long conversation over breakfast that undoubtedly resulted in a feeling of relief for the both of them.

They shared some feelings and even some giggles and jokes had made their way into the string of words in a more than welcome way after the intense two weeks all of them had been through.

*

“I have to answer some e-mails. I’ll be in the living room so call me if you need me.” Steve announced after he completed his check-up on Loki.

Tony on the other hand stayed in the room and took place in the chair like he had done the day before, already busily working on projects on his tablet. 

He decided he could use some coffee two hours later so off to the kitchen it was. “Everything alright with Loki?” “Yeah, he’s still passed out.” 

As the evening was slowly settling in, the building was wrapped in a beautiful golden light created by the sunset settling in over Malibu. It always made Tony smile and he was grateful for the big floor-to-ceiling window he had installed when building this house a few years back.

His smile quickly faded away when he entered Loki’s room though.

The poor guy was twitching and sweating, probably having a horrible nightmare and for the hundredth time Tony’s heart broke into a million pieces.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe. Wake up.” A hand made it’s way to Loki’s shoulder and started shaking him as softly as possible in an attempt to get him to snap out of whatever dream he was having.   
For the next five minutes Tony kept talking to the suffering man, stroking over the frail hand while sitting on the bed in the same spot as the day before.

Right as he was getting desperate Loki finally snapped his eyes open and stared at him in a frightened way, chest moving rapidly and tears rolling down. Tony didn’t move though and Loki didn’t throw himself into an escape attempt. For now.

All the God did was look straight into the brown eyes in front of him. He looked frozen in fear as his mind was clearly trying to figure out who the man sitting on his bed was. 

“Hey, hey now. You had a nightmare. Everything is alright now, you’re safe.” Voice as soft and gentle as he could, Anthony talked to the frightened man before him but as he went to place his hand on Loki’s again it went wrong.

It only took a second put the Odinson had grabbed the scissors from the table with medical supplies and had struck out at Tony. Though he missed the first time he managed to make a gash in Stark’s palm the second time around, making the older man cry out in pain which alerted Steve.

“What’s going on?!” Panted the captain as he came running into the room. His eyes widened with panic when he saw Tony standing at the foot of the bed, clutching his hand that was dripping blood on the floor and Loki holding scissors out in front of him in his trembling hands.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Steve made quick work of pulling Anthony away from the bed and stopping the bleeding. The cut itself was relatively deep and bleeding quite profoundly but it luckily enough didn’t take too much time to get it under control.

Rogers never got a response to his questions but judging by the scene he deduced enough information. “Loki? It’s okay. I’m going to approach you and take the scissors away from you, okay?”

It was risky to approach a confused and scared person with a potential weapon but it needed to be done in order to avoid more people getting hurt so Steve slowly made his way to the bed and held his hand out in a surrendering way.

This time Loki did try to get away by scrambling backwards but that was almost impossible in his wounded state so he went back to the alternative. If fleeing doesn’t work, violence it is. He tried striking out at the man nearing him but was too slow and before he knew it the tall muscular man had taken the scissors and was walking backwards and away from him.

Loki was breathing rapidly and his chest seemed to rise faster and faster with the minute while not only his hands but his whole body was shaking now. His tear filled eyes still showed that scared expression from earlier.

He still hadn’t made a single sound since he arrived on earth but he was clearly making a noise now.

You might think that would have been a good thing, only it was not. The noise came from him breathing so harshly. It was the air rushing through his wind pipe that made a soft rasping and high noise. 

“What’s happening?” Muttered Steve mainly to himself, never having seen this in a patient but Tony knew exactly what it was : “a panic attack.”

“Give him a sedative, now!” Yelled Tony. As Steve ran to the IV’s to push a little needle into one of the tubes it only scared Loki more who was now trying to inch away from Steve.

“Loki, it’s okay.” Began Tony in his soft voice as soon as Rogers was standing next to him again. “You’ll feel better soon. No one will hurt you, it’s all going to be okay.”

It only took a few minutes for the sedative had an effect and the God calmed down, his eyes eventually falling shut and his body going limp.

“Fuckin hell.” Sighed Steve surprising both Tony and himself. 

*

“So what exactly happened?”

The two of them were sitting at the kitchen table and had decided they both deserved a cup of coffee after what happened. Tony told the story from the beginning to the end, having to interrupt himself sometimes with a pained groan.

Having Steve stitch up your hand while you’re trying to talk wasn’t easy.

“But why’d you ask for the sedative when he had a panic attack? I know you have them and that’s not how you treat them, is it?”

Tony sighed softly and looked at Steve with an apologetic and guilty look.

“No. Helping someone with a panic attack depends on the person. Some people like to be hugged or held tightly, others don’t like to be touched at all. Sometimes breathing exercises or soft words will help and sometimes they won’t.

Now, we don’t know what might help Loki and he is obviously petrified of us and gets frantic when we come near him. He doesn’t trust us and I’m not even sure he hears or understands us when we talk to him.

The poor thing was freaking out pretty badly back there and I was afraid he’d unintentionally hurt himself again or worse : cause his heart or damaged lungs so much stress they’d give out.”

Steve had grown quiet and attentive while listening to Tony. His eyes portraying a softer look than usual.

“You really care for the guy, huh? I mean, we all do, but you especially.”

“Yeah,” Tony nodded and looked down, his voice barely understandable anymore, “I care a lot about him. I truly do.”


	25. You're on your own

The third week mark since they found Loki was coming closer which meant Bucky and Steve had to return to work soon. They were busy making sure everything was in place for when Tony had to take over the dayshift.

Luckily for him Steve and James only worked until the afternoon so they could come by in the mornings, afternoons and nights but it was still a bit stressful to him knowing he’d be alone with Loki for most of the day.

What if another incident occurred like the one that happened three days ago? 

Tony absentmindedly rubbed over the stitches in his hand as memories from that night flooded in.

No. He couldn’t let one incident take away his slowly built up confidence. Loki was frightened and did the only thing he could to defend himself.

A soft sigh passed by Tony’s lips as he ripped his eyes away from the still unconscious God and made his way to the kitchen to join Bucky for a midnight meal. 

“Hey.” The former soldier said softly. “You should get some sleep soon, Anthony. How long have you been awake anyway?” It was J.A.R.V.I.S. who answered that question for them.  
“Sir has been awake for 39 hours straight.”

“Jeez, Tony. Is it Loki that’s keeping you up?” He didn’t answer but Bucky knew enough by the look in those tired brown eyes surrounded by dark circles due to the lack of sleep. “Hey, don’t worry, okay? We’ve got instructions printed out, remember? And we’re only a phone call away.”

Stark nodded and gave his companion a thankful smile before stacking his plate in the dishwasher and heading off to bed after a quick “goodnight”. 

*

The following morning Steve and Bucky were having a meal together so Tony decided to grant them some privacy and alone time, heading to Loki’s room to take place in the chair he’d spent so many hours in over the past few weeks.

When he entered the room though he was met with big eyes staring directly at him. Tony knew he probably should have alerted the others about Loki’s consciousness but he decided he could just brief them later.

The last thing he wanted was for the God to freak out again.

“Good morning, Loki. How are you feeling? Are you okay?” He tried to speak as softly as possible but no answer was given to him. “I’ll just be in the chair over there, you can alert me if you need to.” 

“Oh and my name is Tony Stark, you’re in my house where we take care of you.” He added, just in case.

All Loki did was follow the man with his eyes and he kept them there the entire time. Though the trickster God did not seem to be making any escape attempts, the monitor still showed the elevated heartbeat and his eyes… those eyes with the ever present terrified expression. 

Tony tried to concentrate on his work, get some designs for the new suits started, but he simply couldn’t. It was that unsettling feeling you get when someone keeps staring at you that crept its ways into his thinking.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Loki. We’re the good guys here. Thor told us what happened, or at least what he knew happened and honestly, it broke my heart. What they did to you is horrible, no excuse in the world can justify their actions.

But you’re safe now. No one will hurt you ever again and I’ll make sure of that myself. It’s probably hard but you’ll have to trust us eventually.”

Tony sighed deeply and rubbed his hands over his torn face. He felt stupid. Normally he’d always have something to say but now he was at a loss for words. 

What do you say to someone who’s been through what Loki has been through? He knew his words were probably meaningless to the victim in question and frankly he still wasn’t sure Loki understood anything he was saying.

It was worth a shot though.

“Steve, Bucky and I have been working around the clock to keep you alive, to take care of you. I don’t know why or how you’ve ended up on earth but at least now you’re far away from the Asgardian scum that did this you.”

He found the courage to look up again and was surprised to see Loki’s expression had changed. It had gone from terrified and frantic to a mixture of suspicion and fear. It wasn’t exactly a positive change but at least that let Tony to believe that Loki could hear and probably also understand what he was saying.

“I don’t know if you know this but I’ve had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of torture before. Of course nothing compares to your story but all I’m trying to say is that I kind of know what it’s like.

They ordered an attack on me, nearly killed me, held me hostage, performed some water torture on me etcetera, etcetera. It wasn’t nearly as violent as your story is but it was enough to give me anxiety attacks and PTSD.”

The memories forced him to take a deep breath before continuing, bringing up some painful flashbacks.

“I’m sorry, Loki. I’m so sorry for what they’ve done to you. I wish I could take it all away but I can’t so all I can do, with the help of my amazing friends, is take care of you the best I can.”

Tony talked for about half an hour when he was interrupted by Steve’s voice in the hallway. “Talking to yourself again, Tony?”

Steve stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the God’s eyes shoot his way. He quickly called over Tony and pulled him out of the room.

“How long has he been awake? Did he go into a frantic fit again?” Worry and curiosity were dripping from his words but the Captain was quickly hushed by the shorter male.

“He’s been awake for at least half an hour. He hasn’t made any attempts at escape. Loki is far from calm but he doesn’t seem to have the intention and / or energy to move.” 

“Huh. Well he needs his wounds cleaned. I doubt he’ll let anyone near him.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to see, Cap. We’ll just very calmly assess the situation and the moment he gets into panic mode again we’ll back off.”

Both of them took a deep breath before turning the corner and entering the room but as soon as they laid eyes inside they were met with a huge problem :

Loki was gone.


	26. Dog / God

“Fuck!” Tony snapped his head towards Steve in a panic and tried to find something in those blue eyes with a hind of green but whatever he was searching for : it wasn’t there.

Right as they had taken a few steps into Loki’s room Tony extended his arm backwards till it hit Steve’s chest and stopped dead in his tracks.  
“Wait. It’s okay, Loki’s right there.” He explained with a little nod towards the space next to the now empty bed. 

Steve followed Tony’s gaze and indeed, there he was. 

They found Loki on the ground, half in a curled up sitting position, half lying down. The poor thing was crying, shaking and gasping in pain and fear as his beg wet eyes stared up at the two men in horror.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s alright reindeer games. Did you hurt yourself? There’s no need to be scared, we’re here to help.”

Tony threw a hasty last look at the broken man on the floor before turning around and directing his attention to Steve. “I don’t know how he got there. My best guess is that he got scared and tried escaping again, only this time stumbling and falling out of the bed. 

Anyway we need to get him back in. He may have caused damage to already existing wounds or even attained new ones and his arm his bleeding from where he ripped out the needle of the IV.”

Steve frowned as he tried coming up with a solution but it was so hard handling a being that was extremely hurt, extremely scared and extremely non-communicational. His only solution was giving him another sedative but without an IV they’d have to get close to him anyway to administer anything.

“Let me just try something. But you’ll have to give us space because I think he’s even more scared of you than he is of me. I’d like to try to approach him, maybe he’ll trust me enough after sufficient patience? But if he tries to hurt himself or others we’ll have to hold him down.”

“He’s not a dog, Tony, he’s a God. Little miscommunication there?”

Tony blamed Steve’s sassiness on the stressful situation and in all fairness he understood where the remark was coming from. 

“I know, I know. But what choice do we have? He’s traumatized out of his mind, he’s not listening to us and he hasn’t said a single word yet!”

“Okay, I get,” Shushed Steve. “You try whatever it is you have in mind but I’ll be right outside of the door in case something goes wrong.”

The two men gave each other a quick look before going in their separate directions. All of this made Tony nervous, as if he was about to take an important exam.

Perhaps it was the little stunt Loki pulled on him that added to his anxiety. Though the God had the strength of a ten year old now and couldn’t even stand up he apparently still had the energy to attack others. His magic slowly coming back only made him more dangerous.

But all of those thoughts left Tony’s mind like the sea retracting from land when he cast his eyes on the injured man again.

Loki looked like a scared child. Broken wrists pulled up to his chest, blood dripping from the crease of his elbow where the needle had been, legs lost in an attempt to curl himself into a little ball and beaten up body trembling and suffering.

“Hey, love. I’m not here to hurt you, remember? I’m a friend of Thor and I only want to help you.”

Tony crouched down very slowly, while keeping his gentle eyes fixed on Loki who still flinched due to the movement. “Your wrist is hurting isn’t he?” He asked after noticing the God glancing down at the brace.

“Here, this will help.” As calmly as he could, Tony reached for the medical supply cabinet -now free of all pointy and potentially dangerous objects- and pulled out a little ice pack.  
“This is ice. It helps with the pain and swelling. See?” 

The blue bag was placed on his own arm as to show Loki it wasn’t harmful. Tony slowly stretched his arm towards the man in front of him but the terrified guy just flinched and tried scooting backwards even more.

In the end Tony just placed it on the floor within Loki’s reach.

“You must be in a lot of pain, huh? There used to be a needle in your arm, right there, that transported painkillers into your system. The sooner we can get you back in bed the sooner your pain will diminish. The floor must be very uncomfortable for you.”

Loki ripped his eyes away from the suspicious ice pack next to his legs and eventually looked up at Tony. Eyes still big and panicked but now also with a hint of curiosity.

“Hey, uh.. you can hear me right? Because you haven’t said anything since we found you and it worries me. At first I thought maybe you had obtained some hearing damage but you can hear me right?”  
No reaction.

“You don’t have to talk, Loki. Maybe you can simply nod ‘yes’ or shake your head ‘no’ in response to my questions. We only want to help you and it would be easier if we could communicate in some way.”

There was a short pause before he started speaking again, almost as to let Loki process what had been said to him but to no success. Tony started asking questions, simple ‘yes or no’ ones but no response or reaction was given.

Half an hour went by of him just talking to the scared man with the occasional question thrown into the one sided conversation.

He was about to lose hope when he could swear he saw Loki react to him. It wasn’t much, a mere twitch in the muscles of his neck but it was there.

“Do you remember who Thor is?”

And there it was : a nod.

Tony literally let out a soft gasp when he saw that little movement. A little movement that meant the world to him right now. 

“Do you remember me?” No reaction. 

“Do you understand we’re trying to help you?” Again, no reaction.

Desperation almost settled and he started wondering if he had imagined the nod but he couldn’t give up now.

“Your name is Loki, correct?” A full three seconds went by before being followed by a hesitant nod.

“My name is Anthony, or Tony for short. But you remember that, right? We’ve met before. I’m here to help you and so are Steve and Bucky.”

Stark smiled. A genuine, warm and happy smile.

“Are you in pain?” ‘yes’ Nodded Loki.

“Okay, dear. We can make the pain stop but we have to get you back in the bed. That way you can comfortably lay down with lots of pillows and blankets that are just for you. Would you like that?” 

Loki stopped reacting to Tony’s questions after that for a while. He seemed lost in thought, not completely present. It was only after the mention of Thor that he started being responsive again.

“Thor came to visit. He had the collar removed from around your neck so it no longer hurts you and your magic can come back. So Thor knows you’re here and he has trusted us with your safety and with your life, that should mean something to you if I’m not mistaken.”

Those scared blue eyes were now attentively staring back at him, a subtle frown forming above them.

“I know you don’t trust me and that’s okay but you have to let us help you. Here, start with the icepack. If you place it on your wrist it should help with the pain. Can you pick it up?”

Loki redirected his gaze to the floor where the bag was lying but didn’t seem in a hurry to move or maybe he didn’t dare. All Stark could do now was give him some time.  
“I’m going to grab a drink, I’ll bring some water for you, okay?”

No answer was given so he slowly stood up and headed to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee but not before talking to Steve first. Though the Captain had been out of sight the entire time it was nice to know he was indeed waiting in the hallway.

“He’s opening up to me. I still can’t believe it. Loki reacted to some of my questions by nodding which at least shows us he hears and understands us. This is going to take a hell of a long time, Steve, but what happened back there was already more than I could have hoped for.”

*

When he entered the room again, cup of coffee in one hand, water in the other, he was surprised but also happy to see Loki had actually picked up the bag of ice and placed it on top of his wrist brace. ‘My plan worked.’ Tony thought to himself.

“Here’s some water, Lokes.” The glass was carefully placed on the floor where the bag had been before and Tony let himself slowly sit down again.

“Does it help?” A single nod.

At least the blood had stopped trickling out of the little wound that had opened up by ripping the needle out of the fragile skin.  
“You must be exhausted, Loki. Would you like to get back in the bed?”

Though at first there was no answer Tony simply decided to repeat the question a second time about a minute later and this time he got a faint head movement in response. ‘yes’

“Will you let me carry you to the bed?” No response.

“Thor carried you right? You’re too injured to stand so I just want to help you. I won’t touch you for long, just long enough to place you back on the soft mattress and then I’ll leave you alone.”

Tony knew it was risky to make such a proposal so quickly, the ever lurking danger of ruining the amazing progress they had achieved today after two long hours of a face to face confrontation.  
“Loki? Will you let me help you?”

The second attempt was no more successful but Tony wasn’t giving up.

“I’m going to reach out to you and you can give me the ice pack. Okay?”

If there was a friendly way to stretch out your arm, Tony was using it. Coming closer and closer to Loki with an open palm while subtly monitoring his reactions in the process as to foresee any panic. 

The God was hesitant yet no attempt at moving away was made which gave Anthony just a simmer of hope. He stayed like that for nearly three minutes, muscles beginning to tremble in the effort.

What he did next broke his heart, but it was the only idea he had left of getting Loki to cooperate. If he had to sit there for seventeen hours straight, waiting for the patient to hand him the ice pack, he would have.

But Loki’s health was as stake here. 

So that’s when he said it, a stern and clear yet still kind and soft command.

“Loki. Please give me the ice pack.”

And Loki did.


	27. Hope

“Thank you, love. That’s very kind of you.” Smiled Tony as he placed the ice pack back in the cabinet.

Commanding Loki to do something was hard for him but it was for the God’s own good and to his utter surprise said God did not scramble away in fear after handing over the ice.

“May I sit next to you, Loki?” The Odinson wasn’t sure about that question but when Tony explained he just wanted to talk Loki nodded ‘yes’.

Anthony made sure to make his movements as docile as possible while scooting over and eventually taking place next to the still trembling man, the glass of water taken with him.

“Would you like some water?” ‘yes’ 

“I’ll hold the glass for you, okay? It’s alright, just take some small sips.”

Rather than bringing the glass to Loki’s lips, Tony simply held the glass up so Loki could make the movement himself when he was comfortable enough. It took a minute of suspicious glances and contemplating looks but the black haired deity eventually moved closer and took a small sip.

“Have you had enough?” There was no response so Stark placed the glass of water on the ground again.

He turned his head so he was looking at the man beside him again, giving him another gentle smile as if to say ‘everything is going to be okay’.

A wet wipe was taken from the cabinet and showed to Loki who was looking at the object in a questioning way. “You have some dried blood on your arm, will you let me wipe it away?  
I’ll be as gentle as possible, Lokes. I just want to help you feel better and take care of you. Is that okay?” 

Blue eyes shot from the bloodied arm to the wipe and then to the brown eyes looking at him in an almost parental way. A hesitant first nod but then a small and clear second one followed.

“Just relax, love. I’m here to help.” Said Tony as he brought the wipe to Loki’s arm and started gently cleaning the bloodied skin after a few seconds of letting the God adjust to the man touching him.

“Thank you for letting me help you, Loki. You did good. There’s no need to be afraid. You can lean against me if you’d like, that should give you a bit more support.”

After that Tony stayed quiet and made himself comfortable, head tilted back against the wall, eyes closed and posture as relaxed as possible. At first he thought his approach wouldn’t work but not even twenty minutes passed when he suddenly felt a weight leaning against him.

Loki had fallen asleep.

A deep breath was necessary to redeem himself before he slowly and gently pulled Loki into his lap. The God must have been in a lot of pain after more than three hours on the hard floor, making Tony only feel even more sorry for him.

Stark’s idea was to simply pull Loki into his lap and immediately stand up to place the body back in the bed but now that the fragile child-like being was curled up between his legs he couldn’t get himself to move.

Warm tears started rolling down his cheeks as he rubbed small circles into the bony back pressed against his arm, the thumb of his other hand stroking the pale skin enwrapping the thin arm beneath. 

The emotions made Tony think of a song he did a cover of a while back and though he hadn’t sang for anyone in a long while he couldn’t help himself. It felt like the right thing to do for Loki.

“Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry.

You don’t know how lovely you are.

I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,

Oh, let’s go back to the start.

Running in circles, coming up tails,

Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,

It’s such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh, take me back to the start.”

(Cr. The Scientist by Coldplay, cover by Robert Downey Jr.)

The singing had made the tremble in his voice go away and he managed to collect himself again before standing up without trying to wake up the sleeping God in his arms.

“There you go, love.” He said as he pulled the covers over the previously bare skin and made sure all the pillows were placed in a good way to support the fragile body lying amongst them. 

“Steve?” The Captain came running into the room, expecting to find another puddle of blood but except he found an uninjured Tony and a sleeping Loki.

“You actually did it. H-how? I mean he.. wow.”

Tony chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. “I honestly don’t know, Steve. I’m guessing he is just too exhausted to really fight back. Mentioning that Thor trusted us helped a lot too.”

“Wow, yeah, okay. Well let’s get him comfortable, shall we?”

Steve was quick to get the heart monitor hooked up again and to place a knew needle into Loki’s arm. He, too, was always so sweet and parental with Loki which made Anthony extremely thankful to have friends like that. 

Painkillers were administered, wounds were checked and ointment was applied.   
Except for some wounds that reopened on his thighs and back, their patient was okay which came as a huge relief since a fall from a bed could have injured him pretty badly.

They were all quick to agree that strapping Loki down was not an option for it would frightened him, no doubt, so from now on they were just going to make sure someone was always present in the room in case he woke up.

Tony cancelled all meetings, dinners and lunches so he could spend his days watching over the man in his care and never had to leave the house. He could work on his suits and answer emails from the comfort of his own home anyway.

*

When the evening came and Bucky woke up, the three of them sat down for a meal and discussed the events of the day. Tony explained how he finally got to communicate with Loki and encouraged the others to do as he did today : ask simple and gentle questions, reassure Loki of their good intentions as much as possible, 

Remind him that they are friends of Thor and of course remain having the same gentle and patient attitude they have been applying the past three weeks.

That night the mood was light. Loki had been administered a good dose of morphine and a mild sedative so they knew he’d been sleeping for at least the next four hours. 

The fact that they had made such a huge progress in a day gave them new hope for it made helping Loki so much easier. At least now they knew he understood them and was slowly willing to cooperate, even willing to trust Thor’s friends.

They were still a very, very long way from home but there seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel at last.


	28. Bite

It was a scream that woke up Tony that night, coming from Loki’s room, so evidently he rushed to the source of the sound as quickly as he could. When he entered through the door, wearing nothing but pyjama pants, the first thing he saw was Bucky clutching his arm while staring at Loki.

“Hey, what’s going on? I heard screaming.” “He bit me!” Whisper-yelled Bucky while nodding towards the God. “Wait.. what?” Tony was already chuckling when James showed him his arm, a clear set of teeth imprinted in the skin. 

“Huh, he really bit you. How did that happen?” “Well he woke up and at first he was scared of me so then I did as you advised last night but he freaked out when I checked his IV’s and just… bit me right in my arm.”

“My God” Tony had to try his hardest to not burst out laughing at Bucky’s pouty face but he had to keep it together for Loki. The God was wide awake and staring at them, maybe expecting to get punished or yelled at. 

“Hey, Lokes. Don’t worry, Bucky and I aren’t mad and no one’s going to hurt you. We understand you’re scared but don’t bite people, okay?” 

Anthony ended up staying awake with Bucky and helping him out during the night shift, it was five a.m. and sleep wasn’t going to come anymore anyway. 

“Is there something that needs to be done?” “Well, I think his wrist is hurting again so an ice pack would be a good idea. He has a wound on his chest that bled a bit so that needs to be cleaned up and his face could use a wash cause he sweat and cried this night during his sleep.”

“Okay, I’ll try but I’m not sure if he will let me, that’s up to him. If you could just wait outside that would calm him down, I’ll call you if anything happens. Thanks Buck.”  
James smiled understandingly before leaving the room as asked.

“Did you hear that, Loki? That’s not too much work, is it?” The same ice pack as the day before was pulled from the cabinet and showed to the God. “You remember this? It helped you. I’ll give it to you so you can put it on your wrist. You can take it out of my hand.”

At first Loki was hesitant again, not too keen on making any movements but after a minute of contemplating he ended up grabbing the ice and placing it in his lap, wrist on top of it.

“Will you let me take a look at your chest? Bucky said you bled a bit so I just want to wipe away the blood so you’ll feel better. Will you let me?”

No answer from Loki but who could blame him? It was a lot to ask and it must be weird to suddenly have a choice again, to have people actually ask you permission before touching you.

The only problem was that the prince had grown suspicious of people and their so called promises. Countless times did the guards play tricks with his mind. They would say they were there to help Loki undress and get into new clothes.

At first he’d believe them, thinking they were there on Thor’s orders and only meant well but that naivety was taken from him as the guards ripped off his clothes and raped him time, after time, after time.

So Loki was certain now. He shook his head.  
No.

“Oh, okay. No problem, I respect your choice, Lokes.   
Will you let me wash your face? I’ll just gently run a damp washcloth over your skin. I won’t touch you anywhere else and you can stay under the covers, no need to show me the rest of your body.   
Here, I’ll show you.”

Tony walked over to the little sink and held the washcloth under the stream of water, all while looking at Loki whom he could see in the mirror in front of him. He eventually washed his own face to show Loki what exactly to expect and then asked his question again.

“Will you let me wash your face?”  
Loki nodded yes.

It came as an utter surprise but Stark was happy with the reply. “Okay, I’m going to stand next to your bed and just gently touch your face. If you get overwhelmed or scared just shake your head no and I’ll stop.”

As Tony slowly inched his hand towards the pale face Loki closed his eyes and absentmindedly turned his head away a bit but the moment Stark’s hand softly cupped the side of Loki’s jaw those blue eyes shot open again. “That’s it. It’s alright.”

Tony brought his other hand to Loki’s face now, the one with the washcloth in it, and kept his eyes fixed on the ones beneath him, holding the God’s gaze as a way to distract him from the hands touching him.

Gently and calmly the soft cloth was run over the features of that beaten up face. It only lasted a minute but Loki was getting fussy so Tony respectfully retracted his hands and praised the man for doing so well. 

“There you go, love. I’ll leave you alone now. Is it okay if I stay in the room?” Loki nodded. “Is it okay if Bucky stays in the room as well? He’s a friend of mine and a friend of Thor. He won’t touch you, don’t worry.” This time the nod came after an extended period of thought but it was there.

Tony and Bucky spent the rest of the morning softly talking over a cup of coffee, trying to include a tired Loki into the conversation as much as possible.

They did their best to make him feel part of a warm group. The two men where sitting with their faces towards Loki’s bed, they talked to him, asked him questions and offered him some water once in a while.

Though Loki didn’t engage with neither of them his eyes were attentively watching the scene before him, it wasn’t till two hours later that those eyes became droopy and he eventually fell asleep to the sound of soft chatter. 

*

By the time they were getting hungry the sun was already up and so was Steve. Bucky had his dinner first and then watched Loki while Steve and Tony had breakfast.

“I’m glad there’s some progress, Anthony. He’ll need to undergo the surgery to set the fractures in his jaw, ankle and foot one of these days. Now there’s two ways to handle this situation :  
Or we wait till he’s asleep and then put him under anesthetics or we can try to explain what’s about to happen and try to approach him to put him to sleep for the surgery.

I’ll leave that choice up to you, Stark, since you’re the one who’s been able to connect with him.” 

Tony cursed himself for continuously thinking about Redbeard, the rescue dog he had when he was a kid, and comparing his approach back then to his approach with Loki now.

His tactics worked so far but the big difference was that Loki isn’t a dog. There’s the whole moral side connected to it, combined with the basic human rights.

Loki seemed to have chosen a human to despise less than the others, he was scared to be touched, startled by movement, trying to escape or hide often and suspicious of anyone getting near, only opening up very, very slowly.

Though all of that behavior really did remind Stark of Redbeard he knew what to do.

“Here’s what I think is best; I’ll try to explain everything to him, show him everything such as the x-rays, the materials used etcetera. I don’t want it ending in a fight or panic.”  
Steve nodded slowly and took a sip of his coffee before responding. 

“I agree and that’s a good plan but we’re kind of on a tight schedule here. It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve found him, if we wait any longer the fractures will healing in a wrong position.  
They undoubtedly already are but now it’s still easily fixable. I give you two days. Otherwise we’ll have to go with ‘sneaking up on him in his sleep’, so to say.”

*

“Still asleep?” Asked Tony as he entered the room. Bucky nodded and smiled at Anthony, getting up to go to bed now that his night shift was over.

Tony had brought Loki some yoghurt since Steve had approved the slow transition to solid food. He placed the little container and a plastic spoon on the nightstand next to a sleeping Lokes.

Steve joined them not long after and started preparing for his tasks, starting with the bleeding cut on Loki’s chest they weren’t able to look at before. It ended up being a small cut that just needed some cleaning up so the Captain proceeded with a full wash for the God. 

It had been Tony’s task to wash, brush and braid the long black hair the past few weeks so that’s what he was doing.

The situation got a bit tense when Loki started fussing and almost woke up while the two men were still busy taking care of him.

They didn’t know how he’d react to waking up and finding two men touching him so they always did their best to be as quiet and efficient as possible.

Though Steve had retracted his hands and paused in anticipation, Tony had continued to brush through the freshly washed hair and it seemed to calm Loki down who stopped moving in his sleep and eventually settled down again.

“We got to remember that trick.” Whispered Steve.


	29. Mute

After their agreement on not letting Loki unattended again it was mostly mealtimes that changed. If all three of them were up one person could stay in the room while the other two ate. The nicest way though was for one person to get meals for the rest of the group and eat in Loki’s room.

Since it was now daytime it were only Steve and Tony who were awake so it was a calm lunch with the two of them. Loki woke up some time after they finished their routine but was now asleep again, breathing slowly but steadily.

“Hey, Steve? Have you and Bucky figured out why Loki hasn’t spoken to us yet?” The Captain looked up to the bed and then at Tony, giving him a look he didn’t understand. “We’ve checked everything and ruled out all other possibilities before arriving at the conclusion that he’s gone mute.”

“Mute? But he spoke to us during his visit to New York. Will he ever speak again?”

“He’s most likely gone mute due to the traumatizing situations he’s been through, it’s an anxiety issue. Nothing’s wrong with his brain or vocal cords so in theory he could speak, yes, but whether he will is something no one but he can know.”

“Wow, that’s intense. I don’t know if Loki knows any sign language but I certainly don’t know any. I hope we find a better way of communicating with him because only being able to answer ‘yes or no’ questions does complicate things.” Tony frowned, thinking about how frustrating it must be to Loki not being able to express himself fully.

“Well, one thing we could use to communicate is writing or typing. Now I don’t know if he can write English and though teaching him how to use a computer or any other device shouldn’t be too hard, his wrists need to heal first anyway. 

The cast around his right wrist and the brace around his left one can come off in about two weeks and a half and after that he’ll need some time to regain functionality and he’ll also need some physical therapy.”

Stark sighed and turned his gaze away from the Captain. “So it’ll just be ‘yes or no’ questions for at least the next few weeks.”

*

That afternoon Steve had to run some errands at the Veterans Hospital so it was Tony who had to stay with Loki on his own. Of course Bucky was asleep nearby if anything went wrong.

It wasn’t until two p.m. that the prince woke up, all sweaty due to his fever and nightmares. Tony had tried to stroke Loki’s hand like he had done before but this time it only seemed to make him more fussy so Anthony could only sit and wait.

“Hey, love. Everything’s alright.” Said he went panicked ice blue eyes snapped open. “Is it too warm for you in this room?”

Loki managed to get a nod in between the rapid intakes of air he was taking, his eyes frantically shooting around the space.

Tony wasted no time in turning up the AC to a temperature that was uncomfortably cold to him but seemed to calm down Loki a bit though the Odinson was still breathing way too quickly as beads of sweat rolled down his forehead.

“I’ll take some ice out of the cabinet, okay?” When he extended the bag of ice towards the God there was no hesitation, in fact, it was snatched from his hand in a fast movement of what looked like panic. “Place it against your neck, that’ll cool you down more quickly.”

It was with amazement that Tony watched Loki’s skin turn slightly blue where the ice was pressed against it. “It’s very pretty, the blue skin, you don’t have to hide it.”

Even with the AC and the ice the God was still fussing like a new-born baby, sweat still rolling down his sharp features. It was then that Mister Stark noticed some faint movements underneath the blankets, those of Loki’s legs.

‘The blanket! Of course! It’s thermo-regulated so he must be cooking under that thing.’ Thought the mechanic to himself.

They had used the blanket as a way to keep Loki’s body temperature in check during the times he was in shock or was risking to go back in shock but now that danger was not present anymore it was probably way too hot for the poor thing.

“I’ll remove the blanket for you, Lokes. Will you let me? I won’t touch you, only the blanket.” There came no response through a head movement but those piercing eyes were begging for it to be taken off so Tony gently pulled the blanket off.

Loki finally seemed to calm and cool down a bit, now only some sweat remaining on his forehead. 

Thor had said something about his brother being the son of a Frostgiant so naturally, Tony did some research. It took some hacking into S.H.I.E.L.D.’s database for it but in the end he managed to collect enough information to understand the basics.

Frostgiants could easily adapt to temperatures way above those of Jötunheim but there was a limit. The most important thing for them was to keep their body temperature below a certain level, if they are exposed to heat for too long it could potentially be fatal.

It didn’t take long for Tony to figure out that’s why Loki was in such a panic. He suddenly felt very bad for the guy and also felt very responsible for the stress it caused.

Luckily the Jötun seemed calm now, laying in a cold room with nothing on but his underwear and ice pressed against his neck. 

It took Tony a lot of strength not to stare at Loki’s body. Of course he’d seen it a dozen times during bathing time but those moments didn’t leave time to stare.

The image was quite shocking though. Even after almost a month of having received nutrients and a feeding tube the God was still dangerously underweight, he probably only gained a pound in total.   
Though his wounds were healing slowly, very slowly, and the bruised were fading to a slightly less dark color, his body still looked like a battle field.

Tony ripped his eyes away after only a few seconds, not being able to handle the aching heart that grew more painful with every passing tick.

“Are you comfortable?” To Tony’s relief there came a small nod in response and the mood in the room settled down. “Hey, Lokes, can I talk to you about something?”

The God tilted his head slightly and it was the cutest thing Tony had ever seen and it took everything in his power not to coo at the sight. 

“So, you have a lot of broken bones,” began he while searching through the medical file for the x-rays, “they will heal but there are fractures in your jaw, ankle and foot that need to be fixed with surgery.”

Cautiously as to not startle Loki, did Anthony walk to the operation room to fetch some screws and metal plates like the ones they were gonna use during the surgery and took them back to Loki’s room to show them to him.

“May I show you?” He calmly walked towards the bed but stopped as soon as Loki began inching away and stayed at that distance, still close enough to show everything.

“See, this is your jaw. There’s a fracture right here that’s out of alignment with the rest of the bone so what we’d do is place this little metal piece to keep everything in place and make sure it heals well.”

The God didn’t seem at ease at all, giving Tony a bad feeling. He didn’t know how they fixed difficult fractures on Asgard, maybe it was with magic but he could imagine it wasn’t with stainless steel and titanium.

“Since the fracture in your ankle, right here, is so close to the joint it’s best to secure it with a little metal plate that will hold it together. As for the fractures in your feet; there’s some that will heal naturally but this one right here is out of place.

That one they’d fix with one or two little screws to hold it in place. That way it will heal perfectly and you won’t feel anything afterwards.

If we don’t fix those fractures, Loki, they will form at a wrong angle and will cause you pain and discomfort for probably the rest of your life. Do you understand?”

Tony wished his words came out more confident but he has well was full of doubts and insecurities so it wasn’t the easiest of tasks for him. When Loki didn’t answer he suddenly remembered something.

“Wait, I can show you. Two years ago I broke my collar bone and they had to fix it with a plate and metal screws as well. Here, you can feel them underneath my skin.” Said Tony as he pulled his t-shirt to the side, revealing a scar running across the bone and the slight bumps of the metal underneath his skin.

“You can touch it, it’s okay.”

He slowly moved forward, carefully registering Loki’s reactions until he was standing next to him and leaned forward until his shoulder was within reach. Loki didn’t dare move, it was an absurd idea to him to be allowed to touch other people so all he did was bow his head in submission and kept his eyes low.

“May I?” 

Curious blue eyes slid down to his pale hand where Tony’s was hovering above it. Loki held his breath in anticipation and watched as the man’s fingers gently wrapped around his brace, pulling his arm up till his fingers touched the unknown skin. 

It shocked the God how gentle Anthony was, not hurting him the slightest bit and even letting him touch him. ‘Is he not disgusted by me?’

“You feel that? Those are the screws.” Said Stark as he slowly let Loki’s fingers glide over the scar and over the small bumps. When he looked down he saw the blue eyes staring at him again and for the first time he seemed to understand the question lying behind them.

“No, it doesn’t hurt me, Loki.” He smiled gently and placed the arm back on the bed. Tony didn’t want to push it so he walked back to his chair, secretly bursting with joy about the fact Loki let him touch him without freaking out about it.

“Do you understand the procedures, Lokes?” There was a subconscious twitch at the corner of Loki’s mouth which Tony understood as “eh, kind off.” 

Fair enough, it must sound weird to him. Screws and plates and metal.

“Now, Loki, we of course do not want to hurt you so we wouldn’t perform those procedures on you while you are awake. Have you ever heard of anesthetics? It will make you fall into a deep sleep for a few hours so you won’t feel anything. After everything is done you’ll wake up again. Does that make sense?” 

Loki was just staring at his hands. It must be an extremely weird concept for someone who’s not from earth and a lot of ‘hard to imagine stuff’ to take in.

“Oh, I almost forgot so show you.” A few seconds later Tony came back in the room, holding what looked like an oxygen mask. “This will be put over your mouth and nose. You can breathe easily and you won’t feel a thing, you’ll simply drift to sleep.”

He put the mask over his own face to give the God a visual presentation, eyes observing the other’s reactions. Loki was frowning and his face didn’t even show the slightest trust in the weird device, making Anthony freak out a bit internally as he kept the time pressure in the back of his head.

“Do you want to hold it? It’s not connected to anything so it won’t have a single effect.” He extended his arm but Loki suddenly became panicked. Big eyes shooting around the room in a frantic way while he tried to push his body away from the device as quickly as possible.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s alright, I’ll take it away. It’s okay, Lokes.”

Anthony backed off and placed the mask on a table far away from the bed. He didn’t want to bring it back to the surgery room, instead he left it in Loki’s room so the scared man could at least get accustomed to the sight of it while observing it from a safe distance.

*

The rest of the early afternoon was spent with Tony reading the news out loud to Loki while making remarks and sarcastic comments throughout. Though he knew all the articles about Trump, scientific research and the weather didn’t make much sense to the God it did create a light and comfortable mood in the room.

By the time he finished reading and closed his tablet, Loki was sound asleep.


	30. Fears

After Steve came back from his errands, him and Tony had a difficult afternoon and evening with Loki. The God had woken up from a nightmare all scared, panicked and distant. Not even Tony managed to calm him down.

Though normally they were going to give Loki a bath and take care of his wounds once Steve was back, they had to cancel those plans because every time they tried to get near, their patient started freaking out. 

“I’ll keep an eye on him, Tony. You go get some sleep.” “But it’s only seven p.m.” “So? You haven’t slept in like two days. Go. I got this.” 

It was with a heavy heart that Anthony got into bed that evening, his mind far from at ease. He kept worrying about Loki’s trust in humanity crumbling and this entire ‘rescue operation’ failing.

Because lets be honest : other than the Avengers, who would be willing to help the alien that attacked New York? If they didn’t succeed in winning the Odinson’s trust, no one would. 

And what would happen then? Everyone was well aware that the only reason they had so much control over the situation is because Loki is still too weak to really fight back, let alone escape. 

Doomed be the day this God finds his power back before his trust in humans.

Tony let out a frustrated groan and turned around in his bed in an agitated movement, his mind spinning and running until exhaustion finally took over a few hours later.

*

The following morning Tony was on his way to Loki’s room when he came across a very exhausted looking Bucky and decided to join him for breakfast / dinner.

“Long night, huh?” “Yeah, you could say that. Normally Loki is pretty calm during the night but this night.. wow, just.. He woke up from what seemed to be a nightmare again but this time he didn’t calm down.

He seemed to have a panic attack but there was nothing I could do since he wouldn’t let me anywhere near him. Not one moment did he relax after that. All he did was stare at me in a frightened way, cry and fuss around. Nothing I tried calmed him down.

I guess his body was severely tired by the time the sun came up because he ended up falling asleep after what must have been four hours of non-stop panic.”

Tony had grown silent while listening to Bucky, not knowing how to respond to what he just heard. It was eventually Bucky who talked again.

“Steve and I have seen a lot of cases of severe PTSD at the Veteran’s hospital but when those people wake up from a nightmare or flashback we always manage to calm them down. It might take a moment to make them feel at ease and remind them that they’re safe but once they realize they’re in a hospital, surrounded by friendlies they settle down.

I think the big problem with Loki is that when he wakes up from a nightmare there is no safe space to welcome him. No people he trusts, no room he knows, no positive future he can focus on.

I guess you had nightmares and flashbacks of that cave and New York. But when you wake up you see your house, you know your friends are near and you know your current situation is safe and that there’s nothing to worry about. 

I know I make it sound easier and less hard than it is in reality but it’s just to make a point.

Now imagine Loki. He wakes up in a room he doesn’t recognize, sees people he doesn’t trust, he’s in pain and scared, he’s got nowhere to go and a current situation he can’t even grasp.

I mean, from what Thor told us he was already struggling with where he belonged, him being a Frostgiant and all that, and that was before anything traumatic happened. Then he was betrayed by his own Asgardian people, having everything ripped away and violated in those dungeons.

To top it off he gets banished to earth and left to die if it wasn’t for you finding him. You might be thinking that sending him to a place familiar might help him but he doesn’t even have a place he can call home anymore.”

Bucky was getting worked up, clearly some of his own emotions and experiences getting the upper hand in his train of thoughts so he took a deep breath and continued in a soft voice, calm now.

“What I’m trying to say is that the hard part about his trauma is the fact there’s nothing to soothe the pain, no light at the end of the tunnel. All we can do is be there for him, tell him he’s safe, loved and cared for.

I’m afraid the memories the nightmares and flashbacks brought back overwhelmed the little trust and faith he had build in us and the situation, taking us back to square one.

We did a good job at showing him patience, love and gentleness but those memories must be like a wake-up call to him, reminding him that others can’t be trusted.

Though we might know our intentions are good, he is probably filled with doubt and fear.”

The two of them ate the rest of their meals in silence before eventually saying their goodbyes, Bucky heading to bed and Tony heading to Loki’s room to join Steve. 

The Captain didn’t even verbally great him when he entered, his only reaction was a soft but tired smile. Not tired as in ‘I didn’t get enough sleep’ but tired as in ‘we’ve tried our best but now we’re back where we began’. 

Though Rogers hadn’t even opened his mouth yet Tony knew what today’s conversation would be about : Loki’s surgery. It was day two and it was pretty obvious they weren’t going to succeed in getting him to trust the anesthetics etcetera. 

“Loki is asleep so we could put him under now, but I obviously need Bucky during the procedures. We thought it would be good to do the surgery this evening, that way no one is too tired. “

Tony looked at a sleeping Loki and nodded slowly, knowing that was the best solution for everyone. He knew they were up for some challenging days, maybe even weeks because he knew how painful those surgeries were.

Loki will wake up confused and in even more pain than before. Though the surgeries will set his fractures straight and thus make sure he will have no pain in the future, they will cause more pain and discomfort for the first two weeks. 

It was hard for Tony (and undoubtedly the others, too) to think about the future and to make such difficult decisions to save someone’s life. They had all done it before, they had all faced situations that were a matter of life or death but this time was different.

This time they were making those decisions for someone who wasn’t on their team, someone that probably doesn’t understand the reasoning and love behind those decisions. 

It all became too much for Tony so he promptly left the room and went for a drink while yelling “I know it’s only 8 a.m., J.A.R.V.I.S. !”

The next fifteen minutes were spent staring at the sea through those huge windows, lost in thought as he occasionally brought the alcohol to his lips until he suddenly slammed the glass down and marched back towards Loki’s room.

“I’ll be out for a bit, will you be okay on your own, Steve?”

Not even five minutes later could the screeching tires of his sportscar leaving the garage be heard. Off he was.


	31. Darcy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Steve and Bucky have doctor degrees and thus are qualified to perform surgeries

“Hey, Darcy” greeted Tony before he walked into her apartment and sank down on one of the cozy chairs, tossing his car keys on the glass table. “Hey, man. So what brings you here?”

After Tony’s ordeal in the Afghan cave he was advised to seek professional help from a therapist to overcome his nightmares and to be able to talk to someone about it. He refused though. He wasn’t up for trusting a stranger with his deepest secrets only to receive silent looks and shitty advise. 

It wasn’t until a friend of his, Erik Selvig, introduced him to Darcy that he was willing to give it a try. She wasn’t some therapist, she was just a fun, bubbly girl with funny but smart advice which reminded Tony of his younger self. 

They had become pretty good friends over the years that followed with their rendezvous’ becoming more and more two friends hanging out and talking about nonsense rather than a meet-up to talk about feelings and problems. 

When she’s not working with Erik, Jane, Ian or S.H.I.E.L.D. she works at a children’s hospital as a teacher and regularly works with trauma victims or kids with autism so Stark figured she might have some advice regarding Loki.

“Well, about a month ago J.A.R.V.I.S. notified me about a signal he had picked up. When I drove to the indicated place I found somebody.”

Darcy was staring at the man in front of her with her typical mischievous face, dying to know what he was about to say next because she was always up for some fresh gossip. Stark did not disappoint.  
“So who’d you find?”

“Loki. Yes, Thor’s brother. He was nearly dead when I found him. I mean, half an hour later he would have been dead. Steve, Bucky and I have been taking care of him back at my place and he’s pulling through.

But the thing is; he’s been horribly, horribly abused in Asgard’s dungeon. We’re talking starvation, rape, being whipped, beaten and nearly killed. You should have seen him, Darcy. Even now he looks like he’s just had a terrible motorcycle accident or something.

There isn’t an inch of skin that isn’t bruised and battered and he has fifteen to twenty fractures.”

Tony had to take a break from talking, the memories of the night he found that broken man fogging up his thoughts. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just.. you get the point. Anyway, he’s in a stable condition now but we struggle with the mental aspect of the abuse lately. 

He regained consciousness near the end of the third week and that’s when we were faced with new difficulties. In the beginning he was absolutely mortified of us and would freak out and try to get away every time we came close.

Now over the past few days I’ve managed to gain his trust a bit, even been able to touch him a few times. But he’s been having increasingly intense nightmares and yesterday when he woke up he just shut himself off from all of us.

He’s showing the same behavior as the first day he woke up. Frantic, panicky and not-trusting us at all. Not even the tactics that calmed him down before work anymore.  
We don’t know what to do, Darcy.”

She looked at him for a second, dumbfounded by what she just had to process but then she took a deep breath, stood up and was back to her bubbly self.

“Well, Loki doesn’t have autism but from what you told me he’s severely traumatized and experiences a lot of stress and is overwhelmed by what happens around him.” She opened up her laptop and showed a video of her working with a young autism patient in a special room.

“What we do here is sensory therapy. As you can see the room is quite dark and very calm. There’s all kinds of things to help the children focus their attention on one feeling at a time, a feeling they find relaxing. 

That could be lights so we have fairy lights, lava lamps and these lit up cylinders with bubbles in them, it could be texture so there’s a waterbed, soft blankets, toys with different surfaces etcetera. There’s also relaxing music and sound recordings available.

A lot of these children also have an object they are very attached to which can give them comfort if placed in new situations. Felix, the kid on the video, has that stuffed animal he takes everywhere with him.

Things we work on with trauma patients are similar in a way but are focused more on their behavior. We offer them classes like the ones at a school but they’re simply adapted to fit their needs. For example : we remind them very often that they are in a safe space.

We teach them rules and boundaries but without yelling or punishment. There’s time-out zones where they can go if they need some time for themselves. In those zones there’s soft mats and some toys that can help them channel their emotions and calm down if needed. 

Loki doesn’t have autism, nor is he child but he does show similar behavior. Mostly adults handle trauma very differently as you know all too well.  
I hope that some of what I told you helps, Tony, I really do. And remember I’m always here if you need me.”

*

That afternoon, Tony went by four different stores until the backseat of his car was filled with stuff that made it look like he was redecorating and actually, he was. 

When he came home he was glad to be met with a calm mood, he himself having a new positive outlook on everything. “Hey, Tony.” Greeted the Captain who was watching over a sleeping Loki. “Did he wake up today?” “He did and I was faced with the same reactions as before.

When he was on the verge of hurting himself again I gave him a mild sedative, that should, hopefully, keep him calm and asleep for another few hours. Bucky will wake up soon and then I’m going to dump some caffeine into this body because we have a long night ahead.

Will you stay during the surgery, Stark?”

“I’ll be up but I won’t be in the medical room. I went to talk to Darcy on approaching Loki and she gave some helpful information, I just hope it will help in this situation, too.” 

“Yeah, let’s hope so. Speaking of help, will you help me wash him? You can do the hair again.”

*

By the time they were done and had a cleaned up Loki, Bucky had woken up and came into the room with his breakfast. Tony of course couldn’t help but groan when the two men shared some kisses and cheesy words. “So, we’re doing the surgery tonight?” 

Steve nodded in response to Buck’s question before standing up and heading to the kitchen for his own meal and dose of caffeine, Stark doing the same. 

After everyone was done eating and all dishes had been cleaned they got ready for the surgery. Checking all medical supplies, disinfecting the operating room, hanging up the x-rays and getting the anesthetics ready. 

Tony watched as Steve helped Bucky put his hair up in a bun and attach his surgical mask for him and honestly, it was adorable. “We’re good to go. Tony?” Mister Stark took a deep breath, eventually nodding and taking place next to the bed.

The mask was placed over Loki’s mouth but since he was already asleep before they administered the anesthetics they had to check whether he was actually under or not so Steve checked the response of Loki’s eyes before concluding “he’s out as a light.” 

Getting the God on the operating table wasn’t hard considering his 122 pounds of broken mess. Tony helped with getting the long hair out of the way, moving the IV’s and holding Loki’s legs while Steve removed the cast to be able to access the right ankle and left foot for the surgery.

After that, Tony held Loki’s hand as he watched Bucky draw arrows pointing at the fractures in the jaw, foot and ankle before cleaning the areas with disinfectant. Tony had to eventually let go and leave Loki in the good hands of his friends, wishing them the best of luck.

It was a tense situation since they didn’t know how Loki’s body would react to the anesthetics, they also didn’t know what they’d find once they made the incisions. Would Loki’s magic protect him, even in an unconscious state? Will his bone structure be different?

There was no way of telling so all Bucky and Steve could do was treat him as a normal, human patient and hope for the best.


	32. Waves

The door between the now empty room of Loki and the operation room was closed so Tony could neither see or hear how things were going back there. All he could do was focus on redecoration the room. At least it took his mind off things.

He started with installing more of J.A.R.V.I.S.’s tech such as temperature, light and sound controls that were to be programmed to fit Loki’s needs and make him as comfortable as possible. He also installed camera’s that were going to measure the God’s vitals and alarm them if they changed.

Tony then continued to add items to the room that were hopefully going to put Loki’s senses at ease such as fairy lights all around the room, a lava lamp on the bedside table, noise cancelling headphones for Loki to use and a thermo regulated weighted blanket to ease anxiety. 

The last thing he did was place as stuffed animal on the bed. He knew it was silly but there was some hope it would make Loki feel a bit safer and give him something to hug, hold and find comfort in. It was a panda from Ikea and though Tony was pretty sure the Odinson had never seen a panda, he thought it was cute.

Installing everything and getting the room as he wanted it had taken him a total of four hours, meaning he still had a few hours before Steve and Bucky would finish setting all the fractures in place. What on earth was he going to do?

For the first five minutes he just stood in the newly renovated room and thought about what more he could do to make it as relaxing as possibly but after not finding the answer himself he decided to shoot Darcy a quick text.

He described everything he had already done and asked her for advice but waiting for the response was a dreadfully long process to him so he went outside and did something he only did when extremely nervous with nothing to keep him busy : smoke.

Every time he lit up a cigarette he got a scolding from J.A.R.V.I.S. which he obviously completely ignored time after time as he proceeded with taking quick drags one after another. He hated it. He hated the thought and the smell but gosh could it feel good sometimes.

After he had watched the butt go out by itself he decided he could use a shower. He didn’t know how long it had been since he had a decent and long scrubbing but what he did know was that he was not smelling fresh at the moment so off to the bathroom it was.

He kept his gaze straight and walked past the operating and recovery rooms all throughout the huge hallway, getting into the elevator without stopping where he gave his AI some orders and could finally breathe out as the doors closed, obstructing him from staring at Loki’s room.

Tony wondered why he was so attached to and protective over the same God that threatened and hurt him mere years earlier.

Maybe it was because he felt bad for the guy and thought that if he didn’t come up for him, nobody else would. Maybe it was because they both were tortured.   
Or maybe it was because he didn’t have anyone else in his life who he could love other than as a colleague or friend. 

Now that he was thinking about it, it struck him that he was only surrounded by agents, directors and members of the Avengers team which did leave him feeling a bit lonely.

But now with Loki in his life he had someone to care for, someone else than his daily entourage, someone that was something else than an agent, director or Avenger.

Tony eventually concluded that’s why he felt such a parental and protective urge and got out of the shower with a slightly less sore body, ready to continue the rest of the day.

As soon as he was dressed he checked his phone and was glad to see he had gotten a text, a reply from Darcy to be more specific.

“Hi, Tony.

Everything you’ve described already sounds great ! 

Maybe this will help with the final touches :

Sensory therapy is based on five senses that can be over-stimulated. Those being sight, smell, taste, sound and touch. Though you already know some of the things that frighten Loki you haven’t told me whether you’ve already found out what calms him down.

If you have : that’s awesome and I would keep those things in mind and use them when the time is right. Make sure you always tell him what’s about to happen, explain things and of course don’t forget telling him it’s safe and that everything is okay !

Hope it helps.  
Xoxo, Darcy”

Tony read the text at least five times to make sure he wasn’t forgetting anything while making a mental note of things he could approve, making his way back to the elevator in the meantime.

When he got back to Loki’s room he was sad to see it still empty and in a moment of panic he started wondering if that was normal but soon enough he relaxed when realizing that yes, it was indeed normal for Loki not being back yet.

As he went through the boxes filled with the stuff he bought earlier he finally stumbled upon what he was looking for : a little perfume dispenser. It was designed to release a subtle and pleasant scent about every half an hour. 

He had simply bought it since it was a nice little device that would have been great in any room but now that Darcy told him scent was also one of the factors to take in account he was glad it was going to serve a greater purpose than to make his home smell like flowers. 

It was placed on the desk as to not be too close to the bed. The blue outer layer actually gave a nice splash of color to the gray themed roomed which in turn gave Tony another idea.  
“Hey, J.A.R.V.I.S.? Direct camera 6C to the ceiling please and activate projector mode.”

“Yes, sir. Anything else?”

“Can you play some images or animation ? Like waves or something?”

The AI did as asked and the result was even ten times more beautiful than Tony could have hoped for. Now all along the previously white ceiling moved a beautiful scenery of soft blue and slightly sparkling waves.

Tony nodded to himself, hoping all of the effort would pay off. For all he knew the scent could make Loki nervous, the lights could freak him out, the lamp could terrify him but he tried not to think about all that.

Instead he took a step back and asked J.A.R.V.I.S. to dim the main lights, leaving the room in a warm glow coming from all of the new lights around him.

It was truly magical. Fairy lights lying on almost every surface emitting a gentle yellow glow, the dimly lit lava lamp with slow blue forms drifting up and down, the cozy and homely bed next to it, the waves drifting by on the ceiling, the lovely scent of flowers and the almost hypnotic and relaxing music playing in the background.

Tony eventually let out a long and calm breath before taking place in one of the chairs and letting all his stress and emotions leave him along with the worry and the doubts. 

“It’s safe, 

everything’s okay.”


	33. Promises

“Tony, would you mind coming for a second ?” Called Steve through the now open door between Loki’s room and the surgical room. Tony didn’t waste any time and rushed to where his friends was standing, his eyes already frantically trying to scan the area.

But when he got there the room was empty, no sight of neither Bucky or Loki. “Where’s Loki? What’s going on?” 

“Relax!” Steve chuckled and started hanging up some x-rays on the board. “Everything went as planned. We only administered a small dose of anesthetics in the beginning, unsure how he’d react and since he’s still in ‘the danger zone’ we had to be careful.

He responded well, the only problem being that his magic defended him so we ended up administering a bit more of the anesthetic and everything settled down. His bones are the same as ours so from there on it was a surgery like any other.”

“But where is he now?” Asked Tony in a still panicked way. “He’s in the room to our left where we can keep a close eye on him while he wakes up which should normally been in about an hour. Now as you can see on the x-rays he’s got a good deal of metal in him now.

There’s a plate and five screws in the ankle, a screw in the foot and a this special plate with six little screws in the jaw. He’ll only have two small visible scars in total and everything can stay where it is if it doesn’t cause him any discomfort.”

Tony sighed as he stared at the x-rays and subconsciously rubbed his hand over the screws and metal plate in his own collar bone, remembering the pain he felt during the two weeks after his surgery.  
“He’s on an extra dose of painkillers and fluids and I’ve restocked the freezer with lots of ice packs to fight any swelling. We don’t know how he’ll react when he wakes up so just be cautious when he does.”

*

After their talk, Steve and Tony joined Bucky who was sitting on a chair near Loki’s bed, his eyes fixed on his patient. “How’s he doing?” James stood up and threw an anxious look at the two men. “His heartbeat has been lowering the past few minutes, it’s still okay now but we’ll have to watch out if it drops any further.”

The minutes that followed where painstakingly slow for Tony and his already tear soaked eyes stared at the number on the monitor dropping, dropping… till it finally stabilized at 47 bpm. 

“Why isn’t he waking up?” It had been an hour and a half since the surgery and Tony was growing restless as he paced through the room while keeping his eyes on the nonresponsive body.

“This is what we call delayed recovery after anesthesia or coma after anesthesia. We’ll have to check his vitals very frequently to keep a hold of his situation for it could take a couple hours to a couple days before he wakes up.”

Honestly, Tony was devastated. What if Loki didn’t wake up? What if he went back into a critical situation? What if his heart stopped again?

By the time he was in the middle of his train of thoughts he was balling his eyes out, James eventually pulling him into a hug, letting him cry on his shoulder.

“He’s been through so much, Anthony. He’s strong, he’ll get through this, too.” He wanted to believe Bucky’s words, he really did but he simply couldn’t.

Even after a month of being in their care, Loki was still in what Steve called ‘the danger zone’. With an unsteady heart and damaged lungs, dangerously underweight which left him with barely any energy to fight for his life and so much damage done to his body that it was still at risk of going back into shock.

Maybe this was the final straw. New wounds and invasions on his already shattered body, the anesthetics and the mental drain maybe meaning Loki was giving up. 

*

By seven a.m. of that same night / morning the God had still not woken up. Steve had gone to sleep for a few hours after they were sure the situation was stable, meaning it was now just Tony and Bucky who were on shift.

Not one moment did Tony leave Loki’s side. Though he knew it was risky, he had gotten into bed with the still unconscious man, careful as to not hurt him but since the bed was more than big enough that ended up not being a problem.

So there he was, cradled next to this person whom he knew almost nothing about but had made him feel a kind of love he had never felt before.

Tony was slowly and gently rubbing his thumb over the back of the limp hand while listening to the rhythmic beeps of the heart monitor when he finally fell asleep.

*

Nightmares flooded his mind that morning. Violent images of his Avengers team getting killed flashed behind his closed eyes before being replaced by the wormhole, following the moments his heart stopped. Everything was black, lonely and heavy around him and no matter how hard he tried to open his eyes and gasp for air.. nothing happened.

When Tony woke up he felt incredibly cold and in a ruse of confusion but when the realized where he was and who he was lying next to it all came back to him.

Loki.

Judging by the light outside it must have been the late afternoon. When he looked around and saw Steve in the room, his deduction was proven right.

“Good afternoon, Tony.” He nodded in Steve’s direction as a response, too tired to speak. After a few seconds he had gathered enough courage to face the day and sat up, turning his body slightly so he could look at the God next to him.

Loki was still unconscious but he now had the oxygen mask over his face. “Just a precaution,” explained Steve as he saw the confused look on the mechanic’s face, “it will do him good, a little extra oxygen in his lungs and blood.”

The reality of daily life replaced the aftermath of his nightmares, causing him to be fully awake now so he could focus all his attention back on the God instead of on his own problems that seemed so small compared to all this.

He was determined to stay by Loki’s side so that’s what he did; watching over the unresponsive form as a loyal dog watching over his owner.

There wasn’t much he could do besides assist Steve and Bucky with some minor tasks so he spent the rest of his time lying next to his ‘love’, holding said’s hand and whisper all kinds of gentle words to him, promises made to never be broken.


	34. Lullaby

Loki had been in a coma for twenty-four hours by now and Tony was worried sick, not even Steve and Bucky’s reassuring words made any difference. It was a small comfort knowing Loki’s condition was stable and that they were moving him back to his own room today. 

The moment Steve and James walked through the door of Loki’s room they were in awe, looking around the newly renovated and adapted space while almost forgetting they were transporting a patient. “Tony, this is amazing! It instantly makes me relaxed just looking around.”

He chuckled at the cute reaction coming from the former Winter Soldier and thanks him before responding that that’s what he was going for.

Once Loki was back in his own bed it was time for Bucky to go to sleep and for Steve to take over the shift, accompanying a sleep deprived Tony.

“Shouldn’t you catch some sleep, too?” Steve was looking at him with a genuinely worried look as he asked the question and sat down on a chair in the corner of the room.

All Stark did as a response was shrug his shoulders. He knew he needed sleep but how could he sleep when his mind was constantly wandering back to the guy fighting to stay alive?

He and Bucky had already done the entire routine during the night shift so there wasn’t much he and Steve could do at the moment for Loki had already been washed, his wounds had already been cleaned and all the IV’s and tubes had already been checked,

So Tony got into bed next to Loki, of course making sure to not hurt him and to not get tangled in wires and tubes. 

During their wash routine earlier they hadn’t put the long hair back in a braid so Anthony found himself running his fingers through the soft black hair as he began singing softly to the God he had grown so attached to in those short four weeks.

He chose a song that meant a lot to him and hoped his feelings of love and encouragement behind the lyrics transpired to the man in his arms.

“Follow you down to the red oak tree,

As the air moves thick through the hollow reeds.

Will you wait for me there until someone comes,

To carry me, carry me down?

 

See I have not, I have not grown cold.

I have stole from men who have stole from those,

With their arms so thin and their skin so old.

But you are young, you are young, you are young.

 

Then somebody laughs like it’s all just for hell,

As though we could not be saved from the depths of the well.

But the cloth that I make is a cloth you can sell,

To pay for the gossamer seeds.

 

Names get carved in the red oak tree,

Of the ones who stay and the ones who leave.

I will wait for you there with these cindered bones,

So follow me, follow me down.

 

Follow me, follow me down.

Follow me, follow me down.

Follow me, follow me down.”

(Cr. : James McMorrow – Follow you down to the red oak tree)

As soon as he sang the last note he heard Steve take in a shake breath and as he turned his head he saw the man wiping away some tears. “Tony, that was beautiful.” He smiled as a ‘thank you’ and laid his head down on one of the pillows.

It was strange seeing Steve cry, especially because of a song. Tony realized quickly enough that it were just emotions being let out, probably bottled up for the past few weeks.

Taking Loki in had been physically but most of all emotionally draining for all of them. 

After the attack on New York Thor explained everything to the team and they all agreed Loki wasn’t a criminal but a victim. Though some had more trouble forgiving him, in the end they all felt bad for the God, deciding not to blame him for what happened.

Now, in the first place, Loki was a patient. A patient that had nearly died in their hands multiple times. That alone must be very emotional for Steve and Bucky. 

Upon thinking about the journey they had been through the past month, a smile found its way onto Tony’s face, the first in a while.

He thought about the amazing friends who had been there by his side, he thought about the even closer bond they formed, he thought about Loki.

Loki who was so strong, who has been fighting for his life with a strength Tony had never seen before. Loki who, despite the severe trauma, tried his best to trust strange men.  
Loki who was lying there beside him, lungs still going and heart still beating like the little fighter he is.

*

It was an especially emotional time. Tony suspected it was because of the new complications and setbacks after the brief moment where it looked like it was getting better.

But hey, there are part of ‘Earth’s mightiest heroes’. They had fought many battles and conquered many obstacles, this just being an especially hard one.

Though, silently, they had all found strength in that Asgardian Prince. He shouldn’t be alive. No one should be able to survive all the things done to him but here he was.

If Loki had the strength to keep going, so did they. 

*

Tony had eventually fallen asleep, the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor lulling him to sleep once again and for the first time since God knows how long he didn’t have any nightmares.

No bad dreams, no flashbacks, only peace and calm surrounding him.


	35. Cats

It wasn’t until three days after the surgery that Loki finally woke up but the joy they felt when he opened his eyes was indescribable for no one could know how long he’d stay in a coma and when he would wake up -if he would wake up.

“Hey, Lokes” The even paler than usual God directed his eyes towards Stark, a confused and scared expression lingering at the surface and shooting at the man in front of him. “Do you remember me?”   
Loki did not answer, instead he threw anxious looks at the three men standing at the foot of his bed.

“Hey, guys? Could you give Loki and I a minute?” Bucky looked at Steve for confirmation and eventually nodded, taking his boyfriend by the hand as they went out, leaving Tony alone with their patient.

“You had surgery, Loki. Remember I told you about the fractures in your jaw, ankle and foot that needed to be fixed? Well, Steve and James did a wonderful job. Here. You see?”

Tony held up the new x-rays where the plates and screws were clearly visible. It didn’t seem like Loki understood what was going on. Maybe he didn’t understand that the x-rays where of his own bones. Maybe he simply didn’t understand the medical procedures or why they were performed.

“Do you remember me?” A whole minute of doubt and anxiety engulfed the room till a little nod broke the tension like a flower snapping in the wind. “Good, thank you for your answer, love.”

He smiled and ended up chuckling when Loki took notice of the stuffed panda, looking at it with a mix of curiosity and angst as if he wasn’t sure what to make of it. “It’s a panda, an animal we have here of earth.”

The prince tilted his head in the cutest way while he let his hands slide over the soft material, eyes scanning every inch of the strange creature staring back at him.

“Look, these are what real pandas are like.” Announced Tony as he made J.A.R.V.I.S. pop up a video of the black and white bears hanging in trees, playing, eating and being their clumsy selves.

The look in Loki’s eyes was similar to that of a child discovering something magical. They were glued to the screen and followed every move those bears made. Though he seemed confused about it all, wonder took the upper hand. 

That’s when Tony got an idea. He turned on the tv in the room and switched the channel to Animal Planet where there was currently a documentary about animals in central America playing. Loki seemed fairly relaxed but as soon as Stark started walking over to one of the chairs he spooked and got nervous, resulting in Anthony apologizing and slowing down his movements.

As he sat down he could feel the God’s eyes on him but decided he’d ignore the negative moment and wait till the mood in the room had calmed down before trying to lay contact with him again.

Half an hour went by before he looked up from his tablet and oh my was he glad Loki was calmly staring at the tv screen, eyes fixated on a Jaguar roaming in the rainforest. 

“Hey, Lokes? Is it okay if I watch with you?” Asked Tony as he cautiously approached the chair next to the bed. He got no answer and even though the Odinson didn’t look sure about it all, Stark still went ahead and sat down, directing his brown eyes at the telly.

“Do you have cats in Asgard?” Loki looked from Tony to the screen and back as if to ask for confirmation that the Jaguar was the animal they were talking about. “That is a Jaguar, a big cat. But there’s also small cats. Wait, let me show you.” 

A quick search on the internet and a compilation of cat videos showed up which Tony showed on the held up tablet. “Do you have these in Asgard?” Loki shook his head without taking his eyes off the screen, too intrigued by those small, furry animals doing silly things.

The video ended which in turn made the surprised God let out a little gasp followed by him backing away from the device. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. The video just ended. If I click here a new one starts.” Tony let his finger glide over the suggested videos before choosing one named ‘adorable cats’.

They sat like that for half an hour with Anthony clicking on a new one every time a previous video ended. It made him come up with an idea. The next time the screen showed the end he didn’t press play on a new icon.

It only took Loki seconds to look up like a child who desperately wanted something. “Go ahead, you can chose one.” He seemed genuinely confused by the offer and seemed to be having an internal debate on why this man would even let him touch the device. 

“Go ahead. You can click on a video you’d like to watch.” It took a few more moments of encouragement but a trembling finger eventually moved to linger just above the screen, scared to actually touch it.

A kind look from Tony did the trick. Loki pressed his thin finger down on a sweet looking cat, watching in amazement as the video started playing. And that’s when it happened.

A smile.

It was barely noticeable but it was there, pulling at the edges of his mouth. In the entire five weeks he had been in their care, Loki hadn’t smiled once. No one blamed him of course but this was a truly enchanting improvement to Tony.

He looked back up when he heard another little surprised noise. He followed Loki’s gaze to the tablet now lying in the God’s lap and laughed softly as he found the cause of the soft gasp. “That’s a dog, Lokes. They come in many different sizes and colors.” 

The cat videos where exchanged for dog ones, keeping Loki distracted for another hour. It apparently is extremely easy to entertain a God, thought Tony to himself. 

When the sound of the videos stopped he looked up from his phone and saw a very sleepy prince nodding off to the sound of the narrator still babbling on the tv at the other end of the room. 

“Goodnight, Lokes.”


	36. Luluțu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song mentioned in this chapter :  
> (worth listening to!)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNIMe-vj8Eo

“Damn, Bucky. Shouldn’t you let Rogers get some sleep?”

Tony watched as James quickly tried to comb his hair back, bedroom eyes cast down. Bucky gave him a short smirk and entered Loki’s room after straightening down his shirt and nonchalantly answering “Hey, let two seniors have some fun.”

It was around midnight, marking the beginning of Barnes’ shifts and since Stark wasn’t tired he could as well just keep the soldier some company. Besides, he found it increasingly difficult to leave Loki’s side.

“How has he been today?” “Remarkably calm, he’s probably still a bit drowsy from the aftermath of the anesthetics. He watched animal videos almost the entire afternoon.” 

The two men continued their quiet conversation while Bucky went ahead and checked up on Loki’s wounds, trying his hardest not to wake him up. 

J.A.R.V.I.S. was programmed to put the room in ‘night mode’ as soon as the clock read twelve am meaning the big lights went out, so did the television, and the fairy lights, lava lamp, ceiling projections and some smaller lamps turned on.

It left the room in a soft light, more than enough to still see everything clearly but a tad bit more relaxing. Loki hadn’t seen the all the new features yet but that was soon to come. 

Right as Bucky was applying the last surgical band-aid, the prince opened his eyes. Slowly at first but when he took notice of a figure standing next to his bed they shot open in an instant.

“Hey, it’s alright. It’s me, Bucky, I’m here to take care of you.” Tony decided to wait and see, he couldn’t always take the role on him to be by Loki’s side every time the black haired God was awake. After all, he had to trust other people, too, eventually.

“That’s it. You’re doing so good. I just have to press down the edges of this band-aid so it will cover your wound better. Will you let me?” As soon as Bucky moved his arm it was followed by two frightened eyes but he wasn’t going to let his patient freak out.

“Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Focus on my eyes. Can you see what color they are?” Surprisingly, it worked. Loki redirected his bright orbs to the man’s in front of him and before he could react to the hand touching his ankle it was already over.

“Well done.” Whispered Bucky, sincere praise in his soothing and gentle voice. He took a few steps back as to give Loki some space before asking him how he felt. He got no answer but both Bucky and Tony could see it; pain.

“Though he doesn’t really have much swelling, he reacts well to ice.” Suggested Tony. Three ice packs were taken from the freezer and presented to the God. “Will you let me place them against the spots we operated on? It will take the pain away and make you feel better.”

Barnes stayed very calm and patient, carefully laying an ice pack against the wrapped up ankle, another one against the equally wrapped up foot and the third one was on it’s way to Loki’s jaw but that crossed a line. 

The panicked face turned away from the approaching hand but Bucky was quick to shush Loki, nicely explaining he was just going to place it on his shoulder so the Odinson could chose for himself when to press his jaw against it.

Bucky succeeded and walked away after giving Loki a warm smile, followed by some praise words.

“That was amazing, Buck.” 

Though he managed to get his routine done and approach his patient without any panic attack involved, James did notice Loki staring at them in distress, probably a bit overwhelmed since he hasn’t been awake around the former winter soldier that much.

“You have any idea what relaxes him?” Tony took in a deep breath and thought of what had worked before. “I’ve sung to him. Never when he was awake but even in his sleep it seemed to bring some peace.”

Bucky nodded and cleared his throat, starting a soft song in a language unknown to Tony but it sounded incredibly beautiful. The more he sang, the more it sent shivers down Stark’s spine.

“Hai Luluțu, dormi un picu'  
Dragul mamii, puiuț micu'  
Oare când oi fii voinicu'  
Să n-am grijă, de nimicu'

Haida nani nani  
Puișorul mamii  
Dormi in leganuț  
Puișor draguț

Luna și cu stealilii  
Să-ți păzească viselii  
Să-ți mângâie geanilii  
Geanilii sprânceanilii

Haida și iar dormi  
Până-n zori de zi  
Să crești voinicel  
Puiuț muțuțel

Haida Liulu  
Dormi in pace  
Mămuca ție ți-a face  
Așternutu' pe pământu'  
Să dormi ferit die vântu'

Liuliu și-ai dormi  
Până-n zori de zi  
Nu-i pe lume nu-i  
Ca al mamii pui 

Liuliu și-ai dormi  
Până-n zori de zi  
Nu-i pe lume nu-i  
Ca al mamii pui “

(Cr. : Old Romanian Lullaby by Monica Ciuta)

During the song Tony observed as Loki visibly relaxed and took notice of the room around him, eyes dancing from fairy light to fairy light before eventually settling on the wave like patterns floating on the ceiling.

By the end of the song the whole room was engulfed in a sort of magical feeling. The kind that leaves you silent, scared your voice could break the moment like glass hitting concrete. 

When Tony glanced sideways he saw Bucky wiping a tear from his cheek, the song obviously meaning a lot to him and bringing back memories which only added to the already emotional atmosphere. Loki had closed his eyes, maybe he was even sleeping, the important thing being : it calmed him down.

The hour that followed was spent in complete but serene silence only broken by a soft whisper, once.

“It’s a Romanian lullaby, my mother used to sing it to me.”


	37. Guardian

“Bucky ! Wake up!” The ex-assassin shot up within seconds and in an instinct also wrapped his metal hand tightly around the neck of the person who scared him awake. “Oh, fuck! Tony, I’m sorry.” Exclaimed he quickly as he let go but not before throwing an angry look at the man in front of him.

“Yeah, I know! Don’t sneak up on you but it’s Loki. Please do something, he’s not doing well at all.”

Bucky’s sky blue eyes snapped towards the bed only to see that, indeed, Loki was not doing well. His already pale complexity was now almost white, the skinny posture shaking and trembling as beads of sweat trickled over numerous scars and wounds.

“Shit. Loki? Hey, it’s gonna be alright.” James wasted no time and promptly started searching through the countless boxes of various medicine until he let out a little noise of content as he apparently found what he was looking for. 

A small syringe was prepared to be inserted into the IV and hopefully treat whatever was going on. What that was exactly was still a mystery to Tony who, for the time being, could only stand by and survey Loki’s expression filled with discomfort.

The God’s eyes were pressed shut, only leaving enough room for tears slipping past the already wet eyelashes but not opening to take in his surroundings and thus not even noticing Bucky fumbling with needles and tubes next to his head.

“There. He should start feeling better within the next fifteen minutes or so.” Tony looked at James, a baffled expression on his face as he responded with “But what’s wrong? Why is he so sick?”.

“It’s because of the bad reaction he had to the anesthetics. It’s very common in patients who’ve gone through that to feel nauseous afterwards. Just keep this close by.” 

A cardboard kidney dish was pushed into Tony’s hand at which he stared for a good few seconds before shaking his head as to wake himself up. “It’s possibly he throws up a bit. There’s not much in his stomach but keep it nearby just in case.”

Tony nodded and placed the tray on the nightstand next to Loki’s bed before cautiously laying his hand atop the colder and skinnier hand of the God. To his surprise nothing happened but, for once, that wasn’t a good thing.

It only meant Loki was either too far gone or too weak and sick to even notice or care about someone touching him. “Hey, Lokes. Everything is okay, you’ll feel better soon… May I sit next to you?” 

No response so Anthony slowly and carefully got into the bed until he was fully sitting next to the crying and trembling man now only inches away from him. In all honestly, his heart was pounding in his chest and his hands were shaking from anticipation but, he needed to look strong so he took a deep breath and steadied his nerves, focusing on his ‘mission’. 

He took Loki’s long braid, taking it out as he gently brushed through the curls with his hands in a calm, rhythmic pattern. What happened next took both Tony and Bucky completely by surprise as it was something neither of them would ever deem possible, at least not so soon.

Loki let his body slide to the side until it was pressed against Stark’s muscular one and rested his head on the strong chest, next to where the arc reactor once was. 

With his jaw open in surprise Tony looked at Bucky with eyes screaming ‘is this really happening? You’re seeing this, too, right?’. James could only stare back, lips ready to speak but vocal cords failing him in the attempt.

They both realized how special the moment was and were determined to not let it go away or ruin it.

“That’s it, love. You’re safe.” 

Tender words where whispered to the fragile and vulnerable being lying next to him while Tony continued to stroke through the soft hair in an effort to calm the prince down.

It was risky but Stark eventually slid one arm behind Loki’s back and the other underneath his knees, lifting him up to place him into his lap and safely against his chest. Though he clenched up first, the Odinson relaxed as soon as he was resting against Tony’s warm body again, curling up into an even smaller position than before.

All the emotions and heart-clenching feelings the gesture caused resulted in Stark just losing it. For the first time in weeks he let it all out, he let the tears roll down his cheeks without a care in the world so there he sat ;

Sobbing quietly while trying to keep his body still as to not cause Loki any discomfort. Loki, whom he had wrapped in his arms protectively but tenderly enough so he wouldn’t hurt him, his cheek resting against Loki’s head that was now tucked in the little spot between his jaw and his collar bone, Anthony’s strong legs holding up the weight of the being of who was nothing left but skin and bones lathered with scars, wounds, bruises and agony. 

Oh, how Tony wished he could make it all better, take all the pain away. He wished he could have taken Loki’s place and gone through all of the horror himself. 

Though he knew it would have killed him within weeks, he still wished it was him who had to endure it all and not this wonderful being curled up in his lap. 

*

It took Tony a good few minutes to redeem himself, trying hard to collect himself again and wrap his head around what had just happened. 

He looked down as if to check it wasn’t all just some crazy dream but those silky black locks and the haunting 125 pounds pressed against him where all the proof he needed, telling him that no, this isn’t a dream, this is very real.

By the time Tony had fully redeemed himself, Loki had fallen asleep. Judging by the steadily lowering temperature surrounding them the God’s fever had gone away along with the dizziness, tremors and uneasiness, leaving nothing but undisturbed peacefulness which eventually lead to Anthony giving into sleep as well, his Loki delicately sheltered by his guarding arms.


	38. Down

“Shhh” Whisper-yelled Bucky as Steve entered the room. He got a confused look from his boyfriend, after all, Steve did just wake up and was probably excited to see him so James quickly got up and gave his partner a kiss before apologizing with his puppy eyes.

“Look,” began Buck as he placed his hand on Steven’s jaw, pushing a bit to the side so the Captain’s gaze was directed over his metal shoulder and towards the bed behind him. He chuckled when he heard a soft “ooh..” coming from next to his ear.

Bucky took a step back and turned around so he was now facing the bed as well, joining his boyfriend in cooing over the sight in front of them.

Tony and Loki, still in the almost identical position in which they fell asleep that night. “How did that happen?” The wonder was loud and clear in Steve’s voice and honestly, it was adorable to Barnes.

“Come,” coaxed Bucky while he dragged Steve out of the room, “let’s talk over a cup of coffee.”

*

“Huh. So, Loki just.. let Tony uh..” The Captain’s hands waved around in the air as he searched for the right words to describe whatever it was that happened between those two, finding it hard to make sense of the situation.

“Well, Loki is just a guy like you and I, babe. Apart from the fact he’s actually a God of course. But what I’m trying to say is, he has feelings. Thor said that in human years he’s not much over 18 years old. He’s just a kid but he’s already been through so much.”

Steve nodded and took in a deep breath before letting out a shaky ‘yeah’. “You’re right, Buck. I guess Loki’s need for a comforting person finally took over the trauma a little bit. He’s got a long way to go but I’m happy we’re getting somewhere.”

“It has almost been six weeks. Speaking of that. We said we were returning to work two weeks ago but we’re still here and frankly, I’m glad because the situation is far from stable enough. I was thinking of just quitting our jobs at the hosp-“

Before Bucky could finish his sentence he was cut off by a disappointed and slightly angry looking Steve who was now staring directly at him, tightly clenching his hand around the ceramic mug holding the boiling hot liquid. 

“We can’t just quit our jobs! I mean, it’s been so good to us and so have the people down at the hospital. Besides, we need an income. We can’t put our lives on hold without it having consequences.”

“Hey, hey, hey. Steve… it’s a temporary solution. Right now, Tony needs us and I’m a hundred percent sure we won’t need to worry about money, just like we haven’t had to worry this past month and a half. 

I know how important that job is for you, but we’ve got a job here now, don’t we? After all of this is sorted out we could go back to our old lives but right now we need to start making some decision.”

It didn’t take long for the two of them to realize that continuing to stay at Tony’s house and take care of Loki was the best decision for everyone. They we’re living rent free and got all of their bills covered in return to the favor they were providing for their friend, so, that was settled.

After they had a relaxing meal together it was time for Bucky to go to bed and for Steve to start his shift so off in their own directions they went. 

Upon entering the room Steve was happy to see everything was still calm. Though Tony was awake now, Loki was still fast asleep in his arms and both of them wanted to keep it that way. 

During the time the God was asleep he could at least not hurt himself or others so, though it might sound harsh, it was better for everyone. 

It wasn’t until the sun had fully risen that Loki woke up. Confused at first, eyes only half open but already scanning the room, body clearly trying to get accustomed to the pain it had woken up to and fingers gliding over the objects nearby to get a clearer view of where he was. 

As soon as he felt himself being held by two strong arms and the weight of an other person against his back he started panicking, arms trashing around and every damaged muscle in his body contracting in an attempt to get away from the potential threat holding him down. 

Tony called out Loki’s name, tried to shush him, tried to tell him everything was okay but nothing seemed to reach the ears of the being lost in a white haze of utter trepidation. He eventually had to let go, scared his grip would snap the Odinson’s bones like the twigs they shared their strength with.

“Stark, get away from him, now!” He did as he was told by the Captain and practically jumped out of the bed, retreating to a safe distance yet close enough for Loki to, hopefully, see and recognize his face.

Though the God’s eyes where wide open he didn’t seem to be actually seeing anything that was in front of him, as if his mind was overdosing on fear, rendering the body unable to function like it would in a state of calm and reasonable thinking.

Instead, he tried backing away from the two men while his eyes were wildly shooting back and forth between Tony, Steve and his own, almost completely naked, body, choked up sounds coming from within his throat where unspoken words were lost in the once violated and abused mouth.

If Anthony thought his heart had broken before, if he thought he knew how it felt, he was wrong.

Because right then and there, after seeing Loki look at him with downright terror written in those bright blue eyes, that’s when his heart broke. For real.

The world turned quiet around him, sounds reduced to insignificant muffled echoes in the background as his knees gave out, no longer able to support the weight of the piled up emotions they had been holding up for far too long.

As soon as his head hit the floor Tony could hear a faint ringing in his ears though quickly fading away with every approaching footstep.

“Tony ?!” Steve’s voice sounded so far away. He probably could make an effort and try to focus on it but he was just too tired, not even the back-to-back images of a terrified Loki lingering on his retinas could get him to snap back to reality so he let go.

He let go and welcomed the dark closing in, wiping away the blurry image of Cap leaning over him until the voice calling out for Bucky disappeared as well.

He let go because he couldn’t do it anymore. He just couldn’t.


	39. Crimson

“Bucky!” As soon as he heard his boyfriend call out for him, panic clearly coating the voice, he got out of bed and ran towards the room the voice was coming from. When he entered he was met with yet another situation he simply could not explain only by looking at it.

Tony, unconscious on the floor. Steve, knelt down by Stark’s side. And Loki, ready to have a full blown anxiety attack.

“What the hell happened?” Before Bucky could receive an answer he was already squatting down next to Steve and checking Anthony’s pulse. “Loki woke up and started freaking out. I told Stark to get away from him so he did. Not even a minute went by and he just.. collapsed, fainted.”

The two men wasted no further time, immediately starting on figuring out Tony’s state and getting him safe. To their knowledge he had never fainted before, certainly not without any obvious causes such as someone ripping out his arc reactor by example.

So either it was nothing and he simply fainted because of low blood pressure by example, or there was a serious cause not yet known to them. If it was the latter they had to move fast.

Steve firmly kept two fingers pressed against Tony’s neck to be able to track the pulse while Bucky removed any constricting clothing after attempts to wake up the unconscious man where unsuccessful. 

They were so busy getting Stark in a comfortable and safe state that they completely forgot about Loki. It wasn’t until a dreadful crash rang in their ears that their attention was diverted towards the now empty bed.

“Shit!” Steve managed to grab Bucky’s attention to tell him : ‘Go, I got this.’ 

James found Loki curled up next to the bed, gasping in pain probably caused by (re)fracturing one or multiple bones due to the unlucky landing. The prince had also reopened some of the wounds. The crimson red liquid trickled down his chest, ribs and sunken in stomach resulting in a highly contrasting hue compared to the almost snow-like tone of his skin.

“Hey, Loki? Everything will be okay. You have done nothing wrong and I’m only here to help you.” It was hard to get the God’s attention for his eyes were fixating on Tony’s unresponsive body. “He will be alright. Anthony is a strong guy, he simple fainted.”

In the end it took Bucky five full minutes of reassuring words before Loki turned his attention away from Steve and Tony, now having to try and calm him down before even thinking about approaching the injured prince. 

“That’s it, keep your eyes on me. Steve will take good care of Stark, okay? No need to worry about them. I, in turn, will take good care of you because you’re hurt. I’ll help you so you don’t have to be in pain anymore.” 

Loki’s big and bloodshot eyes followed James’ every move, much like a predator stalking its prey moments before attacking and sinking its teeth into the exposed neck until the hunted animal stopped struggling, letting out a final breath. 

In all honesty it made Bucky not feel at ease at all, forcing him to suppress the Winter Soldier’s instincts still lingering deep within his code. That had been the hardest ever since returning to life as a normal civilian. 

After all, the majority of his life had been forcefully dedicated to fighting, violence and assassinating so whether he wanted it or not, a part of his old life wall still present. More often than not did he find himself with his metal hand around someone’s neck or even with a knife pressed against an important artery of someone who had accidentally snuck up on him.

It always made him feel like shit. And it regularly resulted in flashbacks and nightmares haunting him for the following days so naturally Bucky tried everything in his might to avoid such confrontations.  
He made himself take a deep breath before turning away from the television to face Loki again, who was still eyeing him with as little trust as a being could possibly possess. 

“Hey, Lokes? I know this is hard for you, trust me, I understand. I’ve been hurt, used and abused for decades without a break. There’s very few people I put my faith in and I’m the first to be suspicious of others but with these three men in this room is the safest you can be.

You have every reason not to trust me and I don’t blame you but at least let me take care of you, it’s why I’m here. I don’t expect you to let me touch you all over, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, I don’t need you to force yourself into things you don’t want but all I ask is that you let me help you.”

Bucky took in a deep and shaky breath. On the inside he was boiling with anger and he knew it was important to not project it onto Loki. So far, he had always managed to keep his voice very soft and gentle but deep down he also knew it could trigger him if the God looked at him like that.

He was not angry at him, far from actually. No, he was angry that in the 21th century there were still people with such hateful and dark motives much like Hydra back in the day.

It made him see red every time he cast his eyes on Loki who flinched at the slightest of movements, who had been tortured so heavily he didn’t trust a single thing anymore, who had been abused so badly he only barely escaped death more than a handful of times. 

When he looked at Loki he saw himself, and it scared him to death.

*

To his own surprise his little speech seemed to have worked. The prince had seemingly calmed down, his eyes now cast on the ground rather than silently threatening people he shouldn’t be challenging. Bucky knew all too well it wasn’t Loki’s fault to react like that but he was more than happy to see the God had yielded instead of trying to keep up a fight he couldn’t win.

“I only want to take a look at the wounds that reopened. I’ll very gently wipe the blood away to keep them clean, okay?”

Bucky slowly moved towards Loki and crouched down in front of him as he smiled, reducing his voice to a soft whisper. “Can you lean back a bit, Loki? Just rest your back against the wall.”

Though there was some hesitation, the Odinson eventually straightened his back so his previously half-hidden chest and stomach became visible, his body now exposed and even more vulnerable.

James could never get used to the sight. Loki’s body was always almost completely covered by blankets, however, underneath he was wearing nothing but underwear so every time the sheet was removed nearly every inch of his body was shown.

It didn’t happen often, especially not when Bucky was around because he had the night shift so washing and wound care was predominantly left in the hands of Steve and Tony.

But you’d think every time Loki’s body was revealed there would at least be some improvement, yet it had remained close to unnoticeable during the entire stretch of the past six weeks.

Bucky shook his head to get the gruesome thoughts out of his head, he’d do anything to silence that voice echoing back and forth but the words were as clear as the sharp lines of a triangle, ready to cut into every soft surface they came in contact with.

‘He still looks like he could die. He still looks like a corpse.’

Buchanan cast his blue eyes down, too ashamed to look at the person those thoughts were about, too afraid he’d have yet another person die at his hands.


	40. familiar faces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys ! I'm finally here with an update (two new chapters - 40 & 41)  
> Hope you guys enjoy them <3  
> Thank you to everyone who's sticking with this story and I !

"Come on, Tony. Wake the hell up.” Said Steve as he gently tapped against Anthony’s face. He’d been out for almost an hour, far too long for the Captain’s comfort but relief suddenly came when a soft groan was followed by a deep sigh.

“What the f happened?” He couldn’t. He simply couldn’t be the one reminding Tony of what had happened, instead Steve grabbed the glass of water he had prepared and handed it to his friend all while avoiding eye contact and conversation.

A quick look around revealed to Tony that they were not in Loki’s room anymore but in one of the guest rooms, causing him to throw a questioning look at the man sitting next to his bed. “Steve? What happened?”

Rogers closed his eyes, bowing his head down as he took a deep breath before slowly looking up again, eyes gentle but pained.

“Remember Loki fell asleep in your arms? Well, when he woke up he started panicking. I told you to get away from him and you did. One moment you’re standing next to me and the next thing I know you’re unconscious on the floor.”

“That explains the pounding headache.” Tony let out with a dry and clearly forced chuckle. He thought he could brush it off by adding some humor to the situation but Steve saw right through him.  
After years of being by Anthony’s side he had quickly learned to decipher the façades the man more often than not would pull up to appear strong. Nine out of ten times when Tony said he was alright he was, in fact, not.

Steve eventually rose from his position and after letting out a soft, pained groan he threw the man lying in bed an apologetic look, followed by a warm smile.

“I’m going to check up on James and Loki.” Announced he and off he went. Rogers’ heart was thumping in his chest as he walked through the hallway and towards the suspiciously quiet room. The situation had been tense when he left but he was forced to trust his boyfriend so he could get Tony somewhere safer and looked after.

He wanted nothing more than to run back to Loki’s room and check if everything was okay but his duties as a doctor overruled the aching in his chest so when he could finally leave his ‘post’, marching back to where he had to leave Bucky with the Odinson was the first thing he did.

“Bucky? Oh, thank God you’re okay.” He didn’t hold back, pulling Bucky into a tight hug right away. “Hey, Steve, why wouldn’t I be? Is everything okay?” The roles were reversed now, concern having jumped from the Captain to the Soldier.

“Yeah. Tony’s awake. I was just worried about you. It’s just that sometimes the situations here can get a bit tense and my first instinct will always be to find you within the chaos and make sure you’re unharmed.”

Bucky knew his Stevie was a big softie but they simply didn’t have nor make much time to really talk about their feelings so hearing Steve confess something so touching and heartwarming made him feel things he hadn’t felt before.

The sweetness of the moment was eventually broken when the blonde man pulled away and suddenly snapped his head to the side. “Shoot, Loki. I totally forgot in all this mess. How have things been? Have you managed to take care of him?”

It made Bucky chuckle seeing his boyfriend switch from lover to leader. “He’s fine, babe. It was a bit stressful in the beginning but he eventually let me clean his wounds, though I think he might re-fractured a rib but he won’t let me check.”

“Where is he?” James pushed Steve a bit to the side until their eyes could see the other side of the bed where Loki was still sitting on the floor.  
“He won’t let me get him back into bed so I tried to get him as comfortable as possible.” 

Steven smiled softly as he let his gaze dance over the pile of blankets and pillows now surrounding the dark-haired being but taking a step forward obviously was a mistake. As soon as he had shifted his body weight he felt the powerful metal arm collide with his chest. 

“Don’t, babe. I wouldn’t. He’s pretty shaken by the whole situation. I’m pretty sure it triggered yet another bad memory in him because whenever I approached him he tried to cover his head, as if he was expecting punishment.”

Steve’s heart sunk. He quickly took a step back and apologized to Loki, genuinely telling him sorry for startling him. “Also,” continued Bucky, “he ripped out his IV in the process so his flow of pain meds and fluids was cut off, meaning he must be in a great deal of pain right now and it will only get worse.”

The soft mechanical noises of Buck’s left arm unconsciously caught Steve’s attention. Upon turning his head he caught James running trembling hands over a tired face, suddenly making him realize the Soldier had been up for hours, having his night sleep interrupted before it could even begin.

“Come here, you must be exhausted.” Bucky gladly took Steve’s hand and let himself being guided towards the couch on the opposite wall of where Loki’s bed was. Both men took place while trying to not get their hearts cut in half by the God’s frightened eyes following their movements.

It wasn’t long before Buchanan was out like a light, head resting in Steve’s lap as the latter lovingly ran his fingers through the silk-like brown strands of hair splayed across his legs.

“He’s come a long way, you know.” Began the Captain. Though his voice was quiet as to not wake up his boyfriend, it was still loud enough for Loki to hear. Loki who had his eyes trained on his own lap, too tired to keep up the staring down of the two soldiers. 

Steve knew the God could hear him, whether he wanted to listen or not was up to him, but Rogers continued with the gentlest of tone. “Bucky was once like you.”


	41. daytime memories

“Bucky was once like you.” Upon hearing that statement, Loki tilted his head slightly, like a puppy hearing something new, something it can’t really bring home yet. The movement actually made Steve really happy, it meant the God was at least willing to listen to his story.

He didn’t often talk about Bucky’s past because it did and still does contain a lot of painful memories but this felt like the right time to talk about the path they have walked and it also was the right person to tell it to. 

Someone who wouldn’t judge Bucky nor see him differently. Someone who could actually benefit from hearing the story of a person like him. 

Steve looked down for a moment, his hands still stroking over his boyfriend’s head like one would with a cat, and smiled contently, pride in his eyes.

“Bucky and I joined the army in ’43, everything went okay, for as far as a war can go ‘okay’, until one day what was supposed to be yet another mission went horribly wrong. We were fighting on a moving train but Bucky got hit while saving my life.

He was blown out of the damaged carriage, I reached for his hand but before he could reach mine the piece he was holding onto broke loose, resulting in him falling hundreds of feet down into the mountains.”

It took Rogers a few seconds to blink away the tears welling up due to the memories. It was and still is the most painful moment he has ever experienced in his life. Seeing James fall felt like the world stopped and as if his heart was ripped right out of his chest.

A deep breath and another look at Bucky later, he was ready to continue his story. 

“For years I was convinced he was dead, I mean, who would ever survive a fall like that. One of the only reasons he did was because Hydra had captured him once before, experimenting on him. Luckily, that time I found him before they took matters even further.

He miraculously survived the fall but he did lose his left arm all the way up to his shoulder. It was actually Hydra who found him and held him captive.

What they did to him.. it’s hard to put into words. Now I don’t know what you have been through but there’s a big chance you two have gone through a lot of the same stuff. If it triggers you too much, Loki, please let me know. I just hope the story will help you not feel so alone anymore.”

The God didn’t respond. No movement, no sound, no reaction but Steve knew he was listening.

“It took Bucky a long time before he started trusting other people again, let alone tell me what happened to him back there, I’m talking years and when he finally did open up a little bit I suddenly understood why it had been so hard for him to do so.

They took advantage of his weak physical and mental state after the accident, they started brainwashing him right off the bat before they even knew if he was going to survive or not. 

First they put his brain through the blender, time after time, after time and every time he resisted they would severely punish him. He’s told me about the water torture, about the whipping, the beating, the hanging and the oxygen deprivation. 

They hit him until he couldn’t scream anymore, raped him until he couldn’t cry anymore, starved him until he couldn’t stand anymore, choke him until he couldn’t breathe anymore.” Steve’s voice cracked.  
“And that was before they started the experiments.”

A heartbreaking sob was released from his chest as he now let the tears roll over his cheeks like dams overflowing after being held back for far too long.

“I’m sorry.” Cried he softly. He took a trembling breath to steady his aching body as he scooped up Bucky from beside him and cradled him in his arms, holding Buchanan’s head against his chest protectively, placing tender kisses atop the brown hair.

“Steve?” “Hey, shh, go back to sleep baby, everything’s alright.” 

He stayed like that for several minutes, his forehead pressed against his boyfriend’s, arms wrapped around the strong body as if they were never letting go again.

“So, “ continued the Captain after he had found his voice back, “when they had finally gotten him to a state were he was so broken and so close to death he could probably taste it, they started turning him into the person he hates so much today.

Hydra brainwashed him until he had a code imprinted in his brain, a list of words, that triggers him into becoming a literal killing machine. He was trained until he listened to the code and his superiors only, then he was brought back to a healthy physique and they trained him day and night.

Of course the physical and mental torture never stopped during all those years. Hydra would trigger the Winter Soldier, send him out on killing missions, brought him back, abused him and then put him into cryosleep until they needed him again.

Whenever he would resist or started remembering too much: zap, they fried his brain till it was reset into their perfect weapon mode.  
All this went on for 70 years.”

Loki had now lifted his head up, eyes no longer harsh and scared but.. filled with tears? Steve couldn’t see it clearly at first but the twinkle reflecting off a stray tear rolling down the sunken in cheek answered his doubt. Loki was really crying.

Heads were lowered again, both men too ashamed and hurt to look each other in the eye right now, heart wrenching feelings consuming the two of them.

“When I finally encountered him again he didn’t even remember who I was, he didn’t even remember his own name. We were quick to get him out of Hydra’s hands but that marked only the beginning of a life long recovery process. 

The first few months he moved back in with me were.. dangerous, hard, painful and difficult, to summarize it. Nine out of ten times his brain went towards Winter Soldier. He attacked me multiple times a week, even landing me in the hospital one time when he pushed a knife through my ribs.

But I never gave up on him. Not once was I afraid of him because that one out of ten was him having his own mind back, him being Bucky. The Winter Soldier was programmed to not feel, neither physically or mentally, 

So when it was just Bucky he was hit with all the emotions and pain at once. He was terrified, lost, and hurt beyond words. He remembers everything he did as the Soldier, everyone he killed.  
For weeks on end I wasn’t allowed to approach him, touch him and sometimes even speak to him because he had so many triggers and was downright scared of me. He flinched, he cried, he screamed, he broke down," 

Steve eventually closed his eyes, paused a moment and then spoke again in a voice barely louder than a whisper. 

"He tried to commit suicide..,

Nine times.


	42. Fight for life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra trigger warning : talk about suicide

Steve immediately looks down at Bucky and wraps his arms around him even tighter when thinking about all the suicide attempts. Sometimes he was the one who found James somewhere, sometimes he got a grueling call from one of the hospitals in the area.

Six times he found his boyfriend in time, two times it were strangers who found him and one time… one time it was almost too late.

Steve had woken up at dawn without Buchanan by his side, which was strange, they usually always woke up in each other’s arms, so naturally the Captain had gotten up in a panic and started looking for the missing person.

He eventually found Bucky unconscious on the floor of the bathroom, blood dripping down from his nose and mouth onto his chest and the dark grey tiles, his skin already cold to the touch. 

Never in his life had Rogers felt such pain, this was even worse than that time his love fell off the train for now he was actually looking his boyfriend in the face as he was dying. 

He screamed, he cried, he begged but the beautiful brown haired man was too far gone to simply come back to the here and now. Just as he started hearing the sirens closing in Bucky’s body gave up, it just stopped trying to fight the overdose of alcohol and drugs in its system.

“No, no, no, no, no! Bucky!!” He was already performing CPR when the paramedics finally burst through the door, dragging Steve out of the way and rushing to the unresponsive man whose body had already given up.

“Save him! SAVE HIM!” His voice hurt from all the screaming but he didn’t stop, he couldn’t, he wasn’t going to lose Bucky, not again.

*

“They had to restart his heart twice on the way to the hospital. But after being in a coma for two weeks he eventually pulled through. He was so broken, Loki.

In the end I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. I was convinced my body would just give up one day. I had lost Bucky twice during the war and then had to see him fight for his life another nine times.  
Every time I found him I thought : “This is it. This is where it ends for us.” 

It put a huge strain on our relationship, you know? I started blaming myself for his pain, every time he seemed to be doing better he just broke down and tried to kill himself, I felt hurt because he didn’t tell me what was going on and after nearly losing him eleven times I started losing myself.

But, somehow, time after time he found the strength to keep going. After every attempt he was determined to take that extra chance he got at life but I guess it was just too hard on him.  
I lived in constant fear, Loki, so afraid he would do something to himself again and that I would lose him for good. 

Yet, I never, ever gave up on him. 

The fear, the pain, the violence, the breakdowns, the suicides, the nightmares, the screams, the flinching, the setbacks, the agony and the hardships.  
Nothing made me give up on him.

You know why?

Because of those tiny flickers of hope. The little smile he would give me when he felt content, the careful hug he’d give me when he felt comfortable enough, the joy he showed when a good memory came back to him, the determination I saw in his eyes when he felt life was worth living,

Those were and still are the moments we fight for.

What I tried proving with this story is that you’re not alone, Loki, and I hope you can draw strength from Bucky’s recovery. If you ever feel like giving up : just think about the things I confessed here today and remember we are all here to help you.

We’ve seen you fight, love, and that makes us fight even harder for you. All three of us are up day and night to take care of you and that is not, I repeat not, a burden to us.

We are doing so because we want to, no one is forcing us. We keep fighting for you because we value your life and we want to help you feel better both physically and mentally.”

Steve carefully held on to the God’s gaze before cautiously asking him a question.

“Do you understand, Loki? Do you understand we only want what’s best for you and only want to help you?” 

The wait for an answer was agonizingly long, so long Rogers had already accepted there wouldn’t be any until Loki slowly but surely nodded. Once, then twice. And Steve could see it in his eyes : he understood. 

*

That’s where the conversation ended and silence fell upon them, leaving everyone some time to reflect on what had been said, to digest any memories it had brought back.

Steve send a text to Tony saying he couldn’t move since he had a sleeping super soldier in his arms but if Stark needed anything he could send a message, come by or just yell. Judging by the sarcastic answer he got in return, the mechanic seemed to be doing better already.

The rest of the afternoon was spent quietly. Bucky was still sound asleep, Steve was handling taxes and Loki had fallen asleep in the meantime, head resting against the wall behind him. 

*

The Captain’s attention was promptly caught by a soft rasping sound reaching his ears. As soon as he lifted his head a could see Loki trembling and gasping for air as his skin grew paler by the second and his eyes remained pressed shut tightly in torment. 

Luckily, Rogers was quick to react. Bucky was carefully laid down on the couch before Steve made his way towards the suffering man on the ground, already preparing his mind for the possibly struggle to come. 

“Loki? Hey, Loki? Stay with me, love, stay with me.” Despite his efforts of cautiously shaking the Odinson’s shoulder the body suddenly went limp in his hands as Loki lost consciousness. “Damnit. Come on, man. You gotta fight for me.”

The opportunity to get Loki back in his bed presented itself so that’s exactly what Steve did. As soon as he had laid the mere 125 pounds of broken mess on the matrass he began his race against the clock. 

First he got the thermo blanket back around the freezing skeleton body, he then quickly got the heart monitor hooked up again so he could at least follow the man’s heartrate. It was slow, slower than Steve would have liked but it was steady at least.

The God’s chest was still making big and stuttering movements which led to Steven exchanging the small oxygen tubes to the bigger oxygen mask in hopes of getting the flow of O2 steady and keeping it that way. 

Loki’s body fortunately welcomed it quickly, drawing in bigger breaths and calming down the uneven breathing bit by bit. For the next part, Rogers had to steady his hands first.

One advantage of Loki’s pale skin was that finding veins wasn’t that hard. After a quick exhale he pushed the needle in and got the IV in place meaning the God was finally back on a good dose of pain medication, anti-inflammatory meds and fluids. 

Steve also added a tiny dose of calming meds just to keep Loki at ease. He stayed by the bed for at least half an hour, monitoring every beep, breath and movement until he finally saw the guy’s condition stabilizing, now calm and back to normal.

“Don’t scare me like that, Loki.” Whispered he, mainly to himself, before walking back to the couch. Rogers took Bucky back in his arms and remained still, focusing on Loki as he felt James’ steady breathing against his chest. 

“That’s it, Loki. Fight. Fight for life.”


	43. Bucky

“Good morning, love” Smiled Steve as soon as Bucky opened his eyes. It may be hard to believe the following if you haven’t seen it with your own two eyes, but James Buchanan Barnes is incredibly cute when he wakes up.

Don’t let it fool you though, he could still have a knife against your neck in seconds. 

The sun had set already thus meaning it was almost time for Bucky’s shift and time for Steve to go to bed but they never did so without spending enough time together. 

The three of them had been thinking of stopping with the day and night shifts for Steve and Bucky had to return to work but they had pushed those dates a bit further. Steve and James had enough money to last them a while anyway, the job was just to keep them busy and give them a nice feeling.

Besides, the situation with Loki was far from being able to be handled by Tony alone. They thought the God’s recovery would be going in a relatively straight line with some minor setbacks here and there but things had gone a lot less smooth than they had anticipated.

Not only where the mental obstacles still extremely hard, and sometimes even impossible, for Loki to overcome, the physical part had been, to say it nicely, a disaster.

Going into this, Steve, Buck and Tony all knew how hard the psychological battles were going to be and those are the things they don’t have a grip on. The physical steps on the other hand are things the Captain and Buchanan thought to be the ones they could control.

Turns out they were wrong. Every time they thought Loki was out of the danger zone he would have a major incident that brought him dangerously close to less pleasant outcomes. The frustrating thing is that they can’t really compare him to any human patients.

Though Loki’s physique is almost identical to that of a human, his reactions on certain matters can be quite different, not to forget the presence of magic, or rather, the lack of it. 

Thor had explained to them that the collar his brother was wearing upon arrival blocked most of his magic and that after removing it he could be able to channel it again. It has been seven weeks though and there hadn’t been any sign of it.

Maybe that was the reason why he was barely healing and if not; they really needed to find out what was going on. 

They had all noticed it, but no one really dared say anything. Loki’s bruises and wounds were taking much longer than the average person to fade or even just get a little less prominent, his condition was still lingering on the edge of unstable, his weight was barely going up, his bones remained brittle and his general outlook still resembled that of someone who had one week left to live. 

They were all still determined to fight for him though, no matter what.

*

“Did you sleep well?” Bucky nodded while rubbing his palms over his still closed eyes. It took Steve all of his strength to not coo over his boyfriend but damn was he cute when he just woke up. They ended up eating their meals in Loki’s room so he wasn’t left alone, 

The captain had his rice with beans, which he also prepared for Tony and delivered it to him, and James had some yoghurt with fruit. 

Even though the God was still asleep for now they knew he could wake up any moment and they never knew how he’d react. One day he could be scared out of his mind of everything and the next day he could be pretty complying and docile, no one knew for sure.

Steve eventually went to bed, leaving Bucky some time to prepare himself for his night shift. Buchanan kept his eyes on Loki the entire time he was disinfecting his hands and preparing all the material he needed, 

Not because he was nervous, nor because he didn’t trust the situation, but because he was lost in thought. He kept thinking about his own journey and past, how Steve kept fighting for him and showed him nothing but love and patience. 

He couldn’t even fathom what would have happened if he didn’t have his boyfriend by his side through it all, and frankly, he didn’t want to.  
As painful as his own memories are, they make him more determined to do everything he can for Loki day after day. 

*

He calmly pushed aside part of the blanket to access Loki’s left arm. It had a brace around the healing wrist which needed to be removed to take care of the wound underneath. Bucky was glad to see it remained closed during all the commotion of the day prior meaning he could just apply the trans dermal crème to keep the scar nice and smooth.

The surgical scars located on the Odinson’s foot, ankle and jaw were all looking pretty good. Maybe not how he had hoped they would look by now but they're still closed and there were no signs of infections or swelling, which was already a huge victory on its own.

Steve and he had discussed their plans a bit and decided Loki’s only remaining cast, the one around his other wrist, could be removed soon. It saddened Bucky that the God couldn’t or didn’t dare to communicate with them yet, 

But he just knew the little things had already made Loki feel a bit better. A soft bed, warm blankets, food, water, wound care, fixed fractures, rest, love and patience.

Most of those things seem so far away for a lot of us. We don’t have a second to spare to think about how lucky we are to be ably to slide into a comfortable bed at night but Bucky knew it made a huge difference for this man in their care and it made him even more hopeful.

Loki was the one who decided whether he wanted to fight for his life or not but the three men surrounding him were sure as hell going to do everything to give him that strength and to make the fight just that little bit more possible.


	44. PTSD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates ! I'm in the middle of studying for exames but here's an extra long chapter and another one is following very soon ! I hope you guys enjoy it <3 Thank you for all the support so far !

“Morning, guys.”

“Good morning.” Both Steve and Bucky said at the same time, though technically it was evening for Bucky who had just finished his night shift.

“Feeling any better?” Tony rubbed the back of his head as he nodded slowly. “Yeah, thanks for taking care of me, Steve.” 

He sat down at the big wooden table on the opposite side of where Steve and Bucky were sitting next to each other. The captain was having some toast and coffee while the Soldier was eating leftovers from the day before while tiredly leaning against his boyfriend.

“Wait.. who’s watching Loki?” 

Steve nonchalantly turned the iPad towards Tony, showing a life feed of Loki’s room, including all the parameters on the side. “Thanks, Jarvis!” said he as he chuckled softly. “You’re welcome, Mister Rogers.” Answered the A.I. in a tone that was as funny as Steve’s grin.

“So you’ve hacked my dear Jarvis, huh?” Though Bucky had his eyes closed now, half falling asleep with his head on his lover’s shoulder, he was apparently still following the conversation for he laughed softly at the witty answers being shoved back and forth. It was good to have Tony back.

“How’s he doing?” It made Steven happy to hear Stark was still concerned over Lok, after all the mechanic’s trust and effort had kind of gone down the drain.

“Bucky told me he woke up this night but fell back asleep rather quickly. His fever has gone down a bit and after careful examination we could exclude any new fractures. So far, so good.”

The conversation quieted down after that. Anthony was quickly lost in reading the news on his iPad while sipping on some coffee while Bucky had eventually fallen asleep, resulting in Steve carrying him to their bedroom and tucking him in.

About fifteen minutes later he came back and sat down at the table again.

“Would you like to go see Loki?”

“No.”

Tony didn’t even look up from his screen, didn’t even hesitate to answer. It definitely caught Steven off guard who immediately dropped the question “But why?”

The attempts where useless. Stark stopped answering any question coming his way and left it at a simple “I don’t want to see him, Steve.”

Captain Rogers new there was no way of arguing with Tony and it was not his place to try and convince his friend. He respected and understood why one would not be ready yet to go see the person who broke your heart, again.

*

Steve had his eyes trained to the screen of Tony’s iPad as he walked through the hallway towards Loki’s room. The latter was still sound asleep and according to Cap’s calculations he would be for a little while longer because the sedatives usually took a good few hours to wear off.

It was the perfect opportunity to give Loki a wash and do wound care. Due to the God’s setbacks, anxiety attacks and resistance it hasn’t been easy to provide the proper care and the list of risks attached to that constantly darted around in Steven’s mind.

He felt strange, but calm, a bit numb even. Telling Bucky’s story to Loki brought back a lot of memories he had pushed away a long time ago, images he thought he had erased from his head for good but now every time he closed his eyes he could see James lying there again.

Cold, unresponsive, closer to death than Icarus nearing the burning sun with his fragile wings.

And just like Icarus, Bucky crashed. 

*

It’s the sound of the metal washbowl hitting the ground that startles Steve back to reality. In an instant he has his gaze turned towards the bed but Loki is still sound asleep.

Angrily, he wipes the tears from his cheeks before taking slow, deep breaths while counting to six between each exhale. He watches intently as the tremble in his hands starts to settle but remains lingering in the tips of his fingers, indicating the fright is still there, deep within his guts.

After he was pulled from the ice, so many people rushed to his side for help. They treated him for his PTSD, or at least they tried. Everyone assumed it was a result from the war but boy, were they wrong.  
The war never scared Steve. Not the grenades, not the screams, not even the bloodied body parts. 

The PTSD had been caused by losing Bucky, the guilt eating at him and the empty hole in his chest that was left when the person he loved most in the world disappeared from his live in the blink of an eye. But Steve couldn’t talk about it.

For all these years the disorder has been left untreated. As a Captain and national icon he was good at hiding things from others, this was no exception. Not even his Buck new about it.

*

Steve closed his eyes, focusing on the black he saw rather than on the haunting images trying to creep their way towards his eyelids and eventually let out a big sigh, relaxing the tense muscles in his back as he did so.

“Right” he eventually whispers to himself and picks up the bowl from the floor, makes his way to the sink and fills it with lukewarm water, deliberately avoiding looking at himself in the mirror. 

Following the standard medical procedures eased his mind a bit, they put him in a state of monotone labour which still required his mind to stay focused as to not mess anything up. 

“I’m going to give you a nice wash, love. I hope it will make you feel better.” The talking was mainly to help himself relax. The God couldn’t hear him anyway.

Steve pulled down the big blanket before carefully pulling up the fleece over the fragile and exposed body. “There, keep you nice and warm.” He smiled at Loki like a mother would smile at her child while he swiftly pulled the blue gloves over his hands and dunked the washcloth into the water before pumping some soap on it. 

Rogers was docile, hesitant almost, as he let the soft tissue glide over the thin and bony arm, making sure he cleaned the healing skin thoroughly as to avoid any infections. Seeing the canvas full of still very prominent scars, bruises and wounds made his stomach turn but was relieved to see they were in fact ameliorating.

It was hard for him not to cause any new bruises though. Steve was after all a super soldier with a large amount of power waiting in his muscles so teaming him up with someone who would literally break from the wind was not the most convenient. He managed to make it work till now and he was determined to keep it that way because if he, Tony and Bucky wouldn’t, who would?

Steve had feared Loki would begin to form decubitus wounds, the kinds you get when you lay still for a prolonged amount of time. When he cautiously pushed against the prince’s back to roll him on his side his fear became reality. Small red spots had formed on top of Loki’s ribs, spine and hipbones where the bones stuck out the most and pressed against the mattress the hardest.

“Oh, poor thing.” The heartbreak in Steve’s voice was clear and genuine. 

Decubitus wounds aren’t necessarily that bad but they can escalate really quickly if the patient doesn’t move positions often enough and besides, it’s just another inconvenient and painful something for the already suffering and fighting man lying there, looking like he’d vanish any time.

*

Steven was so lost in thought, wiping away any dirt from Loki’s sunken-in stomach that he didn’t notice the twitching at first. It wasn’t until he saw the muscles flex and pull on the skin underneath his hand that he lifted his head to examine what was going on.

Loki’s eyebrows were pulled up softly, like a child who was denied tv-time, and his mouth was subtly moving, trying to form words but no sound was there to accompany the desperate and pained motion of the scarred and slightly swollen lips. 

The ‘blue with a little bit of green’ eyes of Cap wandered back to the towel he had laid next to the body on the bed as he took a moment to try and judge whether Loki would wake up soon or if this was something else. 

That’s when he noticed it.

His hand with the washcloth still pressed against Loki’s bare skin, right next to his private parts. In an instant Cap pulled his hand away and looked in horror as the prince’s body inched away even further, trying to curl up and faintly spasming, even while being surrendered to sleep. 

“Fuck! Loki, I’m so sorry. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

The fleece was removed from the now shaking body and instantly replaced with the thick blanket before Steve gathered up the supplies and put them away as he ignored the increasing tremble in his hands.

He felt horrible. 

Though the God was asleep his brain could still subconsciously pick up the touch to his defenseless body, transferring it to his mind and linking it there with all the previous terrible memories.

Steve felt downright horrible. He had touched Loki’s body all over without paying attention to any possible changes in the body that was being scrubbed from top to bottom. Coming near Loki’s private parts must have been the final piece to triggering whatever nightmare he was having now.

“Hey. Hey now, sweetheart. Everything will be okay, you’re safe, nothing will happen to you.”

The words coming out of his mouth felt like lies, like poison. Cap’ felt like a pervert and like a traitor, touching Loki without permission and triggering a bad response. 

He was quick to wake himself up though, a light slap against his tense jaw did the trick. It took him a few seconds to remind himself he only did his job and tried to do what’s best for the patient in his care, besides, this wasn’t about him, his priority was the man trembling underneath his eyes.

“Jarvis, turn on STARS One.” STARS is what they called the entire installation done to the room to help with any stress and anxiety building up. It stands for ‘Stark Technology Anxiety Relief System.’

Not even a second after Rogers ends his sentence, the main lights in the room dim, the fairy lights go on and the projections on the walls and ceiling start sliding by. STARS Two would add the music and adapted sensory input systems but those aren’t necessary right now, STARS One will do.

It’s with pain in his eyes that Steve takes a seat next to the now crying and still shaking Loki, slowing his breaths so he can relax his own state of mind and not add to the already tense feeling he has burning in his chest, right where his heart is.

That’s when he remembers a conversation he had with Bucky. He had told Steve how he sang that Romanian lullaby he always sings for him to Loki and how it had relaxed the God, secretly taking James by surprised but making him happy at the same time.

Though Bucky had sang the Romanian song to Steve a million times, he could not for the love of God remember those words of a language that foreign to him so he settled for a different one, clearing his throat before starting in a warm and soothing singing voice.

(Song : Go to sleep – Loïc Nottet)

“My darling, trust in me and we will make a wish.

My darling, don’t be scared from nightmares, I’ll be there.

So please, honey, let your dreams set you free. 

Honey, please don’t speak, you’ll be safe.

 

Don’t you worry, babe,

So go to sleep and stop your tears.

I know the dreamer lies within, 

Let’s wish to fly, just you and I.

So close your eyes to stop your cries, 

Baby, go to sleep.

Oh, oh, baby go to sleep.”


	45. Loki

*Loki’s point of view*

Here’s the thing about being locked away in the dark for days and days on end; the more your eyes lose track of any visual aspect that was shimmering in the distance, the more your mind starts to imagine things, trying to refill the hole left by the colors, shapes and movements that were stripped away.

I’ve lost track of time a good while ago. Guards come and go as they please, not bound to any schedule or routine, making it even harder to try and get a sense of time.

Sometimes it feels like they don’t visit for days, sometimes it feels like the visits never stop. All I know is that I haven’t been fed in quite a while judging by the fog swimming in my head and my muscle mass no longer covering the bones I despised seeing as a kid. 

Another thing about the dark is that it leaves you sulking in a void, so overwhelming and black that it claws its way into every crack and crease of your body, filling it with.. nothing.  
That nothingness leaves room for your thoughts and feelings to go into hyper awareness. 

Every gash and wound lathering my skin feels like a burning coil pressed against the fragile tissue, every speck of dirt, every dried up streak of semen, every freezing drop of water, every burning second of fever, … all emit a feeling so intense it leaves me wondering how much longer I can take this. How much longer I have left to live.

It becomes harder and harder to focus on reality through it all. There are things that are really hard to classify. Like that scraping sound against the wall. Is it real or is it my mind playing tricks again.  
There’s other things I know to categorize as real immediately because they are too horrible to even imagine. Like the hands sliding over my body.

The moment I realize someone is touching me again my mind shoots into a panic due to the increasingly painful and humiliating things the guards have done to me over the course of what I assume is a few weeks. 

But my body doesn’t respond. 

It feels as if it’s glued to the ground, as if it has become one with the little stones digging into my sides. When rough hands pick me up, or rather peel me from the floor, I can feel every cell of my skin scrape along the gravel in the movement, reopening countless of wounds by doing so.

The rattling of the chains used to tie me to the wall clatter right next to me and it makes my heart jump due to the fright. Noises had been so rare for the past few days causing the clanking of the metal to sound like a grenade going off next to my ears.

“What’s wrong? Are you scared?” The mockery in the voice of the unknown person makes me feel like an idiot, makes me feel even more worthless than before. 

He carries me for a few feet with his hands unnecessarily tight around my hips and shoulders. It hurts, it hurts so much but I’m defenseless without the energy to even move my body so I just press my eyes shut, trying to focus on the man’s heat against my own freezing chest.

The moment he slams me down on the table the air is rushed out of my lungs as a scream remains silent on my lips. Everything burns and stings and aches, already pushing me closer to unconsciousness before the torture had even started. 

“Are you going to be good for me?” There obviously was no room for arguing and an answer was expected but when I tried to speak no sound came out. I hadn’t spoken in so long it felt like I had forgotten how to, as if the signal in my brain just didn’t translate to my vocal cords anymore.

A big hand came crashing down against the side of my face, sending it lolling to the side where it stayed, stinging and undoubtedly already turning red and blue.

“Answer me you bitch.” I tried, I did, but I just couldn’t. Another slap echoed through the pitch black dungeon as his hand collided with my pounding head. This repeated itself about five or six times before the stranger finally gave up but what was to follow was so much worse than being backhanded.

The man’s violent fingertips dug themselves into my hip and ass as he began pushing his hard and fairly sized cock into my unprepared hole. ‘No! Stop! Please!’ But I was betrayed by my own body once more when it refused to produce any sound and was too weak to even move. 

The pain never became easier, no matter how many times they pushed something into the sensitive opening down there. They had used their fingers, their cocks, batons, sword handles, sticks and even rocks one time to hurt me in every way possible.

The heavy thrusts of the man on top of me pushed my body back and forth with a strength so great it crushed my back against the harsh wooden surface of the table beneath me, the smell of blood already swarming my head from the oozing wounds and skin tears ripping further with every push.

I’m disgusted by the grunts and moans coming from this guard as he speeds up and dives in even deeper than I thought was even possible but the sounds quickly vanish as the screaming in my head becomes louder and louder the more he snaps his hips forward, the more he causes my hole to rip.

“Such a slut you are.” The man growls right next to Loki’s ear. “Just letting yourself get fucked and used by all these men. Look at you, you don’t even resist! I bet you even enjoy it.”

Though I can’t see anything, I can clearly hear the guard’s grin through his disgusting words. Tears start rolling down my throbbing face, promptly shooting another burst of anxiety through my stomach. The guards hate it when I cry or sob. 

I thought he hadn’t noticed it but the sudden hand around my throat tells me otherwise. Angry fingers slide underneath the metal collar and press down hard against my windpipe, aggressively cutting off my air supply. 

As if that wasn’t bad enough already the aggressor bends forward even more resulting in his body weight completely knocking the air out of me before he sinks his teeth in my neck and bites down so hard I can immediately feel a line of blood running down to my shoulder. 

The feeling is distant though, the consequences of being choked already taking hold, making my head swim around in fog until all I ‘see’ is white. The pain, however, is still very much present, even growing more and more unbearable by the second.

Just when I think I can’t handle it any more the guard wraps his free hand around my soft penis. Not in a gentle way, no, he squeezes down so hard I gag and sputter but my empty stomach can only contract in pain as there is no food to send up. 

A vague thought flashes by. One about wondering how the guard knows his way around in the dark so well. Does he have night vision? Then a new wave of panic settles in when I begin to wonder if it is me who has lost my sight? It would explain why I hadn’t seen any sunlight seep through the tiny window in here for so long. 

Time for questions quickly ends when the guard’s hip sputter, marking his orgasm. I eventually lose myself to the dark when he refuses to loosen the grip around my windpipe and welcome the familiar feeling of everything fading away into nothingness. 

*

When I open my eyes again the familiar blackness greets me once more, leaving me in a state of sensory deprivation which in turn makes place for the flood of pain rushing back into my body and for the uneasiness to settle into my chest where it tightens around my heart until I tremble.

For a moment I’m happy with the quiet. My best guess is that the guard has thrown me back into a corner and left after seeing no further use in me, discarding me like a kid forgets about a broken toy.

All I can do is try to focus on my breathing. It used to come naturally, you know? It’s a process neither man or god has to think about, we almost take it for granted. That is until your lungs don’t want to breathe anymore and you have to force your airways to take in oxygen every few seconds. 

The instant I feel hands roaming my body again my heart just chatters and sinks to the pit of dark pooling in my stomach. ‘Please, no.’ 

It takes a huge amount of energy to even attempt moving away but I was determined to fight, even if it meant getting exhausted to the point of no return for that one inch of space it resulted in, the voice of the previous guard repeated itself somewhere deep within me. ‘You don’t even resist.’

But I do, I do resist. I just don’t have the energy or strength anymore to turn my thoughts into actions and it leaves me feeling defeated, defenseless and exposed as I feel a pair of hands running over my arms, chest, back and eventually over my stomach, getting dangerously close to my privates.

I try to plead, try to scream and beg but to no avail. 

I try to move, try to get away and fight but nothing works.

The abused muscle and skin tissue tremble and twitch under the touch of another man violating my body but I have no control over it so when I finally feel digits running over my hips and penis all I can do is hope this guard will show some mercy while I try not to focus on the palms resting in my V-line.

But just as soon as it started, it stops. 

The hands disappear.

“Fuck! Loki, I’m so sorry!”

The voice sounds far away. Why would this guard be sorry? Did I do something wrong? Oh, no. I did something wrong, of course I did!

In an instinct my body tries to curl up into itself, bracing for whatever beating, whipping or flogging usually followed. I waited and waited but nothing happened and it only made me more nervous. The guards had played this kind of trick on me before.

They used and abused me, took turns, then waited a while before starting the whole thing over again. They started with a few minutes that then turned into half hours and eventually turned into full hours between rounds. 

Every time it was over, they came back. This went on until I simply couldn’t rest or relax anymore because I knew they’d be back sooner than later and just drag me up to that damn table again.

So I wait. 

Only when a voice returns close to my ears do I snap back to frantic fear surrounding me.

“Hey. Hey now, sweetheart. Everything will be okay, you’re safe, nothing will happen to you.”

I don’t recognize the voice but I do recognize the lies being spoken by it. 

Past me would have rolled his eyes, snorted and thrown a sarcastic answer back at the person feeding me dishonesty but that person is long gone, along with the pride, the royalty, the magic, the godliness, the power and the dignity. 

All that’s left now is this pathetic excuse of a living thing. 

The movement happening around me scares me to death, I can hear the man’s presence in the room but not knowing what’s about to happen makes me more frightened than knowing a whip will come down on my back. 

Breathing is hard, and painful, so, so painful, for with every breath I take I can feel every single place they’ve hurt me light up with fire, mocking me and reminding me of what’s become of my life.

 

“My darling, trust in me and we will make a wish.”

 

The voice takes me by surprise. It’s closer to my head now and doesn’t appear to be speaking, it’s reaching me in an abnormal pattern and I wonder what the guard is doing.  
That’s when I remember what it is. ‘Singing.’ Just like Thor and Frigga used to do.

When a vague image of two blond people with long hair and soft eyes fills my head I feel my chest relaxing a bit, letting the air flow through a bit more freely. Strange. 

 

“My darling, don’t be scared from nightmares, I’ll be there.”

 

The voice is pretty but I still don’t recognize it, neither do I recognize the song nor the reason behind all this. Why would anyone sing for me? Is this in preparation for something? Is it a new form of torture. I think and think but cannot figure it out.

 

“So please, honey, let your dreams set you free.”

 

I feel the void creeping its way back inside and I have never been happier to welcome it. I let it seep through every vein running underneath my aching and cold skin as I listen to the song flowing around in the room. 

 

“Honey, please don’t speak, you’ll be safe.”

 

I don’t care anymore. If I fall asleep or lose consciousness and the guard decides to rape or hit me, so be it. I don’t have the energy to fight it anymore.

 

“Don’t you worry, babe,

So go to sleep and stop your tears.

I know the dreamer lies within, 

Let’s wish to fly, just you and I.

So close your eyes to stop your cries, 

Baby, go to sleep.”


	46. Heartbreak and misery

*Loki’s point of view*

I’m cold and exhausted and just wish the darkness would stop. It’s with great effort that I eventually manage to bring my hands to my face, softly gasping as I feel something wrapped around my eyes. I push it off as quickly as I can while trying to remember when they blindfolded me.

Though it gives me a weird feeling I’m happy to have finally found the cause of my blindness but when I pull the cloth away from my head my vision does not come back. The darkness only turns into a grayish fog with white specks floating around. 

No, no, no.. Please, no.

Frantically my eyes shoot around the room, trying to see something, anything! My chest tightens until I’m forced to sink back against the wall and calm down where it takes me a few tries to get my breathing evened out before I can even think about trying again.

I close my eyes as I take a few jagged breaths, ignoring the tears tickling my cheeks and falling to the floor where they join the little puddles caused by the moisture in the cave. My hands hang by my side where I force them to let my fingers run over the cool gravel, searching for refreshment to fight this raging fever heating up my insides.

Something soft returns the touch of my fingers. Not even a millisecond goes by before my fingers shoot away from whatever it is they touched. Why was the ground soft? 

An uneasy feelings starts to settle in every part of my body until I feel physically sick and no longer in the dreamy, empty state I was in just a few moments ago. Another day, another trick I guess. 

The soft, unknown touch spreads trough my toes, reaching all the way up to my back where it eventually wraps around my head, leaving me wondering what kind of torture the guards had come with now.

Right as I start getting used to the snow behind my eyes, the scenery becomes brighter and goes from grey to yellow and eventually to white, becoming so intense it makes me want to flinch away but at the same time it draws me in, almost urging me to move towards it.

Is this death?

In a flash my eyes shoot open. The first thing I notice is my breathing coming out in short gasps but my attention is quickly pulled away from that when I realize… I can see.

The room is pretty bright, with lights everywhere. I turn my head to look around but immediately regret it when I spot a large figure sitting next to me, shattering whatever dream this was.  
“Hey, it’s okay, Loki. You’re safe.”

For a good minute I just straight up stare at him, not hearing a single thing he says until a name nestles into my brain and stays there on repeat. 

‘Steve.’

I’m forced to lay my head back down, my abdominal muscles unable to support this upright position, but I don’t turn away from him because he looks so familiar, and kind.

“Good morning, Loki. Everything’s okay.” He smiles, causing little smile lines to form around his gentle eyes but they don’t take my attention away from the concerned tug around his lips as he starts speaking again.

“You’re safe here. You’re at Tony’s house, remember? I’m Steve and I’ve been taking care of you together with Bucky and Tony for the past two months.”

Everything comes back in one big slap of memories, making me close my eyes to take it all in, focusing on slowing down my breathing. ‘I’m safe here.’ I think to myself, still shaken by the extremely lively flashback in my dream I had been stuck in.

It’s Steve’s motherly voice that pulls me back in, actually making me want to turn my head towards him so I do. I don’t trust him and his size is intimidating but for some reason I don’t feel scared.  
“Can you tell me how you feel? Just nod yes or shake no. Would that be okay?”

I await his questions to see if I want to answer them or if I even know the answer to them. When he leans a bit closer I can feel my body lean away from him instinctively, as if it has been trained to do that. Or rather, conditioned.

Upon seeing my reaction he doesn’t get angry, no, he backs away a bit and even apologizes. Strange..

“Do you remember where you are?” Yes, yes, I do. Though most of the memories of being here are a bit of a mist I do remember where we are so after a second of hesitation I nod once.

“Do you remember me?” I nod but want to say his name as extra confirmation so he knows I’m not lying. Lying results in punishment but I still can't get my voice to work. He doesn’t get mad though, actually smiles at my answer.

“I’m glad you do, Loki. Do you remember Bucky and Tony, too?” ‘Yes’ I nod.

Bucky is a soldier, just like Captain Rogers. Tony is Tony Stark, Iron Man. 

“Are you in pain?” I turn my eyes back to him, not sure how to answer that, if I’m even allowed to answer that. Prisoners don’t have a right to have feelings or complain. 

When I don’t respond he looks down and frowns before looking up at me again. “You’re allowed to answer that, love. We’re here to help you. If you’re in pain we can make it feel better, there’s no reason to suffer.”

He thinks. I follow the lines between his eyebrows and though he frowns softly he doesn’t look angry, just concerned while he sits there in a chair a few feet away from the bed they’ve put me in.  
“How about this : Can you show me the place which hurts most or bothers you most?” 

See, that’s something I don’t dare to do. I understand the question, I know the answer but something blocks me from actually showing him. That’s when he rephrases his sentence.

“Loki, show me where it hurts most, please.” Though his voice is incredibly gentle and he has a genuine smile on his face, he still gave me a direct order which I cannot ignore without punishment following so I lean forward a tiny bit as I curl my arm around and touch my back, ignoring all the other stinging and burning pain shooting through my body as I do so.

“Thank you for showing me, Loki!” He sounds like an owner who just saw his puppy perform a trick correctly for the first time and his enthusiasm makes me flinch a bit, taking me by surprise.  
He quickly calms down and apologizes again. Why does he keep doing that? 

“Okay, so you have a few wounds on your back that are healing. I can imagine it is painful and uncomfortable so I’ll simply explain what I can do to make you fell better but I won’t do anything if you’re not okay with it.”

I listen as he explains about turning me on my side so I don’t have to lay on the wounds and so he can take care of them to make them less painful and hot.

“Would you like that, love?” Though I don’t dare answer that I look at him with some hope in my eyes, wishing he will notice it and take my silent plea for an answer. 

Whatever is about to happen frightens me and already makes my hands tremble but the longing for some relief has slowly been building up over the past weeks, tugging on my heart to let them help. 

In those two months they’ve never hurt me, been by my side day and night and have taken care of me. I often do not understand their intentions and the flashbacks and memories make it hard to let them be near me but I hope, with all my heart, that they know I’m trying to be good.

“I’m not doing anything without your permission so you’ll have to nod if you want me to help. I’m not trying to make this difficult but I don’t want anyone ever touching you without your permission again.”

Then, like an unexpected visitor in the night, a wave of emotions and relief washes over me, wrapping itself around my heart and instantly I start crying, ugly tears rolling down my bruised face as I feel a weight drop off my shoulders when Steve whispers 

“It’s okay.”


	47. Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick note : I broke my hand and severly damaged my wrist so I'm typing a bit slower with this brace holding everything tight but I'm doing my best ! 
> 
> Also, I don't know how many of you know this but I'm from Belgium and was raised by a Dutch (Flemish) mother and a French father so English is nowhere near my first language. Feel free to point out any mistakes I make so I can learn from them but please keep it kind and respectful.
> 
> Love you all,  
> J. J.

Steve takes a soft inhale of tense air as he glances down at his trembling hands hovering over Loki’s side. “I’m about to place one hand on your shoulder and one on your hip and gentle push you onto your side. I’ll keep my hands on the blanket and I’ll avoid skin contact as much as possible.

I’m also keeping these gloves on at all times so I’ll never actually touch you with my bare hands. The moment you feel too uncomfortable or want me to stop you just let me know in any way that feels right to you and I’ll refrain from further contact immediately.”

Loki nods but keeps his eyes trained on the wall facing him, refusing to meet Roger’s eyes. The moment Cap’s hands come down to lay on his joints he let’s his eyelashes flutter shut, partly trying not to freak out at the man’s hands on his body and partly bracing from the painful impact of being pushed on his side.

But the pain never comes. Sure, his muscles strain and his skin pulls around some of the wounds but it’s not painful, just uncomfortable at best. He’s grateful for this powerful man’s gentle ways. 

The cold air on his naked back suddenly makes him aware of how exposed he is, but Loki is also instantly happy for the refreshment it offers on the burning and stinging wounds that were being pressed down against the matrass by his own body weight, how little that may be. 

Captain Rogers talks through it all, explaining every procedure and warning him before every step, except, the God doesn’t really pay attention to it, he’s too tense, torn between wanting to relax into the relieving touches and wanting to avoid getting freaked out now that something good is finally happening.

Pealing off the bandages isn’t the most comforting feeling in the world and the first rush of cold air against the now exposed wounds certainly stings but the sensation of freshness settling in just seconds later makes Loki more sure he made the right choice of letting Steve take care of him.

The man keeps his promises and barely touches his skin until it’s absolutely necessary and even then he remains respectful and patient, going around the wounds with a wipe slowly before applying some soothing balm that pushes itself through Loki’s skin, directly into the aching layers.

“Does that feel better?” The man beneath him nods and Steve is surprised by the soft ‘hmm’ that accompanies the movement. He’s never heard the God make any noise in terms of communication. 

Loki had sobbed, gasped and moaned in pain but this was the first time he made a sound not connected to any agony and it made Roger’s heart bounce with happiness. Once he was done he retracted his hands, making sure not to push this physical contact and judging by the increasingly trembling muscles underneath his hands, they were reaching Loki’s limits.

“Are you comfortable in this position?” Steve asked as he walked towards the other side of the bed so he could look at his patient. It startled Loki at first, suddenly seeing such a bulk human in front of him, but he didn’t flinch nor did he seem in distress so Steven calmly remained there.

No answer was given to his question, only leaving him with the tranquil look in the blue eyes looking up at him to believe the God at least wasn’t uncomfortable. All he could do now was place a pillow between Loki’s legs to protect his knees and ankles from pushing in to one another.

This, however, proved to be more of a challenge since having your limbs grabbed and handled seemed a harder limit for the recovering being who in an instinct tried to pull away and became panicked but Rogers was quick so before there was any room for escalation the pillow was in place and Loki could be left to rest.

Steve still received a soft look back after retracting his hands from the pillow and backing away, making him glad he had explained what he was going to do beforehand or otherwise Loki would have freaked out for sure, it was just a startle now. 

It felt good to see the Odinson fall asleep about five hours later. Meaning he felt peaceful enough to rest his eyes, even with Steve in the room who was currently filling in some forms to receive a new load of meds to keep them stocked for the next two months. 

Steve observes Loki every few minutes to make sure the poor thing isn’t wrapped in another nightmare. Maybe the God thinks they don’t notice, but the entire team does notice is when he trembles, cries, spasms and gasps in his sleep.

Sometimes there are not physical indicators but then they know he’s had a bad dream by the look in his eyes and the confusion upon waking up. No one brings it up but they all see it, dealing with the heartbreaking feelings it boils up in their own way.

When Steve is content by the calm rising and falling of Loki’s still slightly stuttering chest due to the damage to his lungs he had sustained he looks down at the iPad again and navigates to the electronic patient file where his fingers hoover over the frame designed to write remarks and observations in.

Today had been the first time he had been able to take a good look at the icy blue eyes and he noticed a scar near the outer edges of the left one. At first it didn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary when looking at the almost uncountable wounds the poor soul had obtained in captivity. 

But the scar seemed to continue into the actual eye, creating a pink line on the sclera which continues into a small, greyer patch fading into the blue iris. They hadn’t been able to do full tests on Loki to see how far the extent of his injuries goes but this meant he had some pretty serious damage to one of his eyes.

In the best case scenario it doesn’t affect his vision at all, in the worst case scenario it has left him blind in one eye and in a scenario somewhere in between it has left him with reduced vision.

The injury itself wasn’t what cause a spark of worry, it was the realization that they actually still barely knew anything about what exactly happened to Loki back on Asgard.

To arrive on earth so close to death and after two months still being in a doubtful zone regarding your life was not nothing. Besides, he’s a God. They remember him as powerful and full of magic but here he is, so weak he cannot even hold his own body up.

Speaking of his magic, Thor had said it would come back, that was only a week after Tony had found Loki, so two months ago and there still was no sign of it. Whether that was a good thing or not from his point of view, Steve didn’t know. 

If the God, no, when the God could channel it again, would he become too powerful and cause a threat? What if he would freak out and would hurt someone in a moment of panic?  
Steve tried not to think about it, casting his eyes back up where he saw the sleeping being, as peaceful as could be and quickly forgot any thoughts he had had just seconds ago.

*

When Loki wakes up his eyes immediately start shooting around the room but come to an abrupt stop when they spot Steve, still typing away on the screen of the device Loki does not know. They remain there for a few seconds, observing the human now he can.

He eventually looks away and down at his lap where he runs his hands over the immensely warm and soft sheets. It confused him at the beginning being given such luxury. When he was still regarded as a prince back on Asgard it all came so naturally to him.

Servants, buffets and silk sheets had been switched to torture, starvation and a cold cave. It crossed Loki’s mind more than once that maybe it had been a punishment, not for his crimes but for living such a blessed life without being grateful for it.

They say you don’t know what you have until you lose it and Loki had never heard anything more true so for him to be lying in this room surrounded by such luxury again was something that needed some adaptation. It felt strange to him, out of place, as if he didn’t deserve it. 

At least once a day his mind creeps back to that one question ‘what if this is all a trick?’. 

He lets his hands run over the soft material underneath and on top of him again. If it was all a trick then so be it, he was going to enjoy this for as long as it lasted, fairy lights included.  
“Oh, hey. Hadn’t noticed you woke up. You feeling okay, Loki?” 

Steve’s low voice had crept up on him so suddenly he could feel his body physically jump at the unexpected sound breaking his blissful silence, leaving him gasping for air during a few tense seconds before he steadily relaxes when it comes back to him where he is and who he is with. 

“Sorry,” the Captain chuckles embarrassedly, “didn’t mean to spook you. You okay?” Steve sees Loki hesitate for a second but is glad when he receives a little nod in response, the long black hair bouncing around slightly with the movement, and watches as the God grabs hold of the stuffed animal that Tony gave him a while ago.

The panda had been lying in the bed, right next to Loki, but he hadn’t paid much attention to it, probably making Tony wonder if it was an appropriate thing to give someone to begin with but it seems like Loki was finally getting some sort of emotional support out of it, pressing it to his aching stomach. 

“Hey, uh, Loki? Would you like for me to take care of your hair? It got lose so I’d like to brush your hair and put a braid back in so it doesn’t get tangled. Would that be okay? It’s just that I love to take care of long hair. I have a sister, you know? She always used to let me brush her hair when we were younger.”

With a barely audible gasp the Captain silences himself, suddenly becoming aware of how much he’s rambling before he looks up at the confused man staring back at him and chuckles again. “Sorry. I understand if you don’t want me playing with your hair.”

But Loki does. He longs for it but is once again torn between leaning into gentle touches and flinching away from them, though before he can even register it he has his hands wrapped around the thick bundle of pitch black strands and lifts it up, towards Steve.


	48. SGR

*Steve’s point of view*

I’m shocked when Loki holds up his hair and presents it to me, agreeing to me taking care of it. It seems to take him by surprise as well judging by the slightly confused look on his face as he realizes what he just did. 

“Okay, perfect ! Do you want me to wash it first?” He shakes his head no to that so I walk over to the cabinet to take out the brush we got for him before I pull my chair closer to his bed, all while observing him carefully to make sure he isn’t getting worked up over it. 

He’s clearly a bit nervous and tenses up when I reach towards him to take the bundle of hair from him but he doesn’t flinch or freak out, just keeps his eyes trained on my fingers, so I continue with the gentle routine. 

I begin by straightening out the biggest strands of slightly wavy hair and let them hang down the side of the bed. Frankly, there’s a lot. It’s grown past Loki’s elbows by now and I’m sure it almost reaches his behind if he where to stand up but that doesn’t hold me back. The more, the better.

Though it’s not in the best state it’s still incredibly soft and not too tangled due to the care we’ve put into it from the beginning so now the brush runs through it smoothly and straightens out any knots that had formed overnight, having it all untangled and shiny after about ten minutes. 

He lets it all happen and remains completely still until I’ve wrapped the elastic around the end of the braid and pull my hands away, only then does he let out a little sigh and leans back against the pillows a bit as he runs his hand over the tightly braided blackness. 

“Is that okay?” I ask and am relieved when he gives a quick nod so I smile at him and stand up to leave but before I can even turn my body away he looks up at me. Not out of fear but with something lingering behind the blue eyes that I cannot read.

“Is there anything you need or anything you’d like? You can ask me anything.”

My next exhale gets stuck in my throat where it stays the entire time I wait for an answer, too scared the gush of air might break this fragile moment as I look down at the hesitating being with my eyes as kind as I can get them.

When he reaches for the panda and holds it up just an inch above his lap I’m confused. I’m overfilled with joy at the huge step Loki has taken in regards to communication but his request is something I don’t seem to understand. All I can do is ask “a panda?” as I try to figure out what he is asking for.

It’s cute to see him shake his head in frustration and frown at my answer but he clearly is becoming more self-aware of what he is doing so I scold myself to pay more attention so I can get it right and don’t have to make him uncomfortable any longer.

Once again I can feel my breath freezing as Loki moves again. He places the panda down and eventually lays his hand on his chest. This has me worried in an instant. Is he hurting? Is something wrong? But when I ask him those questions he shakes his head no again. Well, that’s good news at least.

The God doesn’t move his hand, which was still in a cast, away but extends his fingers and starts dragging them across his bare chest in a circle. While I’m puzzling it all together I make a mental note to take off the cast during my next routine and to get him some clothes as well.

Though Loki’s physical state still has a big question mark behind it and we still have to be extremely cautious, he has made some progress and it was time to adapt our routines. 

I snap my attention back to him and see him in the middle of drawing his second circle with his fingers and that’s when it hits me.

“Tony?” 

The little gasp coming out of me takes me by surprise and I’m suddenly overcome by all kinds of emotions when Loki timidly nods at that. ‘Huh, he wants Tony.’

I forgot how words work when I stutter and awkwardly turn around as a response to that request. As soon as I’m in the hallway and out of Loki’s room I let out a big sigh and mutter some bad words to myself before asking Jarvis where Tony was anyway. 

The A.I. notifies me of the man’s presence in his lab so that’s where I’m heading, heart thumping in my chest and unsure of how to pick up the difficult conversation ahead.

Tony looks surprised when I enter his lab but he doesn’t stop working. He’s currently standing at one of his work benches where he’s tinkering away at what I suppose is another suit when he asks me if everything is okay before turning his gaze towards his project again. 

“Yeah, uh actually. I was taking care of Loki and it was all going well.” 

He hums while I talk, uninterested almost and I begin to wonder if he even hears what I’m saying but I continue anyway.

“I asked him if he wanted anything and then he placed his hand on his chest. At first I didn’t understand, you know but when he started moving his fingers around in a circle located on his sternum I understood.”

I look at Tony, desperately trying to catch his attention but to no avail, his hands are still tightening a screw as he blatantly ignores me.

“He asked for you.”

And just like that, as if something had hit him in the back of his head, he stops. The screwdriver is slowly lowered onto the work space and his now empty hands grip the edge of it, his chest rising and falling in a way that doesn’t tell me anything, making doubt and panic fill my chest.

Before I can turn around and walk away -this was clearly a mistake- Tony’s voice comes through, barely above a whisper but it’s there.

“Me? He asked for me?” It comes out slow and would probably sound menacing to someone who didn’t know Anthony that well but luckily I do know him and am aware that the clenched jaw is a sign of anxiety, not anger. 

“He did, Tony. This is the furthest he has ever gone in terms of communicating and he did it for you. He actually attempted to find a sign for you. The circle on his chest, he meant-“

“The arc reactor.” Stark finishes for me. “He remembers.” 

The arc reactor was removed from his chest a while ago but apparently the God remembered it and though Anthony would never show it, that actually made his repaired heart flutter a bit. 

I analyze Tony’s reaction but honestly, that man is hard to read. It’s with low expectations that I ask him if he wants to go see Loki so the surprise is real when he actually agrees, already wiping his hands to get rid of some of the black smears lathering them. 

“I’ll go take a shower first though if that’s okay.”

Of course I agree and take that as my cue to leave the lab, a weird feeling settling into my stomach as I ascend the stairs. I don’t know what I was expecting when I walked in there and though I’m happy Tony wants to see Loki it also makes me slightly nervous.

The two hadn’t seen each other since the freak out, which was a week and a half ago so it was hard to imagine how it would go, especially since they left off on such a negative note. 

I try to not let it eat me up any further as I walk towards Loki’s room again, already checking the iPad to see if everything is okay before I even enter. 

He’s nervously sitting in the upright bed, staring at the wall. Uh-oh. I hope it’s just some nerves and not any serious panic that is boiling in his trembling body. 

“Hey, Lokes. Tony is taking a shower and then he’ll come to visit you. Would you like me to get you some clothes?” I’m already walking over to the closet in the corner of the room before even listening to his answer. It’s wrong but I’m too fiddley and the last thing I want is for my nervousness to jump to Loki.

I pull out a dark grey t-shirt, a black sweater that has ‘Stark Industries’ printed on the front and a black pair of sweatpants. 

“Here you go.” I smile. “Would you like some help getting them on? You can do as much yourself as you want to but I’ll be right here if you need some help. Does that sound good?”

Loki seems relieved to receive some clothes. All he has been wearing since we took him under our wings was an adult nappy and a pair of boxer shorts. Though he didn’t need the nappy anymore since he had received the catheter he's still only in boxer shorts due to being bedridden, thus meaning he is under the covers most of the time, and due to needing extensive medical care.

Wearing long sweatpants and potentially a sweater would make things a little harder but we’ll find a way. Hopefully if he feels better mentally his body will heal faster, too. 

I help Loki put the IV’s through the arm hole of the t-shirt and try to ignore the pained sounds he makes as he pulls the rest of it over his head. He seems happy to be clothed, though. 

The sweatpants are up to me to put on since bending forward and pulling it over his legs deemed too painful. He gets extremely nervous and flinches multiple times when my hands come closer to his privates and when I have to help him push his butt up. 

All I can do is apologize and soothe him with some gentle words and promises before I retract myself, taking place in the chair. Loki seems tense, a bit shaken by it all and it makes me feel like crap, thinking about how long it took for Bucky to trust me again.

The thought of Bucky keeps me going though. It took years and he still suffers from PTSD, anxiety attacks and setbacks occasionally but everything worked out in the end, making me more confident it will work out with Loki, too. 

To relieve some of the tension in the room I switch on the TV and put on the music channel, softly singing along with ‘Chances are’ by Robert Downey Jr while visibly seeing Loki relax at the soft and almost hypnotizing sounds. 

Yeah, things will work out.

Eventually.


	49. terrors

“Ah, fuck.” 

Tony ran his hands over his face in frustration, the warm stream of water hitting his chest, painfully knocking against his scar in the process. Whenever he was stressed or scared or tired the scar left from the arc reactor seemed to hurt more, reminding him of how vulnerable he was and today was no different. 

He had scrubbed the grease from his hands until the skin was left pink and burning just so he could be as clean as possible. It had been a long time since Tony had put this much effort into his appearance and it made him feel all kinds of ways.

Of course with Loki’s fragile condition they were constantly following a strict regime of hand hygiene, precaution matters and carefulness but this was different. This was scrubbing every inch of skin, putting on a soft sweater, applying a drop of eau de toilette and neatly combing damp hair. 

In all honesty it had truly broken his heart when Loki had a freak out because of him and he still wasn’t sure how to process it, neither was he sure of how to approach the God or how to even act around him anymore. He thought he was doing the right things but Loki got scared of him anyway.

If only Tony knew it hadn’t been anything personal, that Loki’s reaction had a far deeper reason. 

*

He cursed himself as he walked down the long, luxurious hallway, never taking his eyes of the many texts between him and Steve sent over the past half hour. For gosh sake, he’s Tony Stark, thé Tony Stark. He’s had meetings with some of the most important people around the world, he’s survived a terrorist attack, being shot at… but for some reason he didn’t seem to be able to handle this. 

Steve welcomed him in the hallway, near Loki’s room, with a smile that was supposed to be comforting but came off more concerned than what probably was the intention. “Hey, Stark. You alright?” 

Frankly, he didn’t know. In his opinion Loki needed someone patient, someone stable without too many problems of their own, and he simply wasn’t that person. Afraid he’d do more harm than good, Anthony took a step back, ready to turn around and walk away, hands thrown up in front of his chest.

“I can’t do it, Cap.” 

Steven’s hand was on him in a second, tightly grabbing his aching arm and preventing him from taking another step. “Tony..” 

God he hated that tone and that look. 

All he had in response was an agitated and challenging look because honestly, he didn’t have a single valid excuse to not get his shit together and just go in there. “I can’t. What if he freaks out again? I’m clearly not the right person to be with him right now. Loki just needs you guys. At least you and Bucky are trained in medical procedures and how to deal with difficult situations like this one.

There’s no value I can add for him. I can’t help with medical stuff and I sure as hell am not trained to deal with people.”

It broke the Captain’s heart to hear his friend talk about himself that way, unnecessarily spewing self-loathing insults around that lacked even the slightest of truth, but Tony didn’t seem to notice that.

“Tony, listen to me. Bucky briefs me after every night shift he has and most of the time it resolves around the same things : Loki having terrible nightmares leaving him to shake, sweat and cry out in his sleep and the moment he wakes up he’s disoriented and scared which sends his mind into an overdrive of flight responses.”

With every word Steve spoke, Anthony’s stomach formed a tighter knot and he ended up casting his eyes down in embarrassment. He was clever enough to ty the ends together himself and quickly enough realized it had never been about him, rather about Loki waking up from a horrifying dream, trapped in a man’s arms and nowhere to go. 

It took some courage but Tony eventually looked up, took a deep breath and whispered “okay.”

*

Steve was the first to enter and was happy to see Loki seemed as relaxed as he was before, leaning against the pillows of the up-right hospital bed, staring at the door. “Hey, Loki. Look who I brought with me.” 

He actually had to take a step back, out of the room again, to take ahold of Stark’s arm and gently guide him forward until they were both standing in the door opening, the air awkward but not too tense, yet.

“Hi.” It came out shaky, breathless almost but everyone, including Tony himself, seemed relieved he had actually managed to say something and was now even cautiously making his way over to Steven who was already sitting on one of the chairs near Loki’s bed. 

Steve had promised to stay to comfort his friend and because Loki had grown most confident around him as a result of all the care and gentle handling the Captain tried to manage during his shift. The God wasn’t sure how to react, keeping his eyes fixed on his lap and only glancing up occasionally when spoken to.

Though Tony didn’t dare say anything about it, his heart had still sunken to his feet when he had entered the room. Despite finally being in some clothes which made him look more ‘human’ and less like a patient, Loki did not look well. 

Don’t get him wrong, to Tony he was still one of the most beautiful beings but it was undeniable that the Odinson was not doing okay. Loki’s features appeared more relaxed, less frantic shooting around of the eyes, but he clearly still hadn’t gained any weight judging by the too prominent cheekbones almost cutting through the sickeningly pale skin. 

The oversized sweater covered the skeletal body but Anthony was sure what was underneath was still as worrying as the last time he saw Loki weeks ago; unhealed wounds, vicious scars, threatening bruises and mocking bones. 

He tried not to think about all that as he forced to curl his lips into a soft and loving smile while directing his gentle eyes towards Loki. “Are you feeling okay?” Getting no answer shouldn’t have come as a surprise yet still it did. Tony honestly didn’t know what he was expecting but it certainly wasn’t this. Stupid. 

An image of Redbeard, a rescue dog he had as a child, popped into his mind forcing him to remember those times where he had to be so patient and careful only to receive no progress in return where the only thing he could do was sit and watch as the dog ran off to hide after he simply extended his hand.

It took some effort not to snort at the hypocrisy off it all right then and there. It was ironic to get flashbacks of such memories now, almost telling him to be patient like he was back then but there was a big difference. 

As a child he still had that innocence, that oblivious idea that the world was harmless and that all would be well in the end, just slap a band-aid on the boo boo and off you go again but the years had changed him. The endless critique and traumatizing experiences had shaped him into a man with a very big drinking problem but very little patience. 

He took one last doubtful look at Loki before standing up, cringing when he spotted the man flinching at the movement but simply turned his head away. “I can’t do it.”


	50. Wait

“Tony, wait.” Steve’s hand found Tony’s arm once more, keeping him from taking another step towards the door and slightly pulling him back towards him. “Look.” 

Tony followed the Captain’s line of sight which was directed towards the bed behind him. He slowly turned around, his anxiety almost too severe to go through with the movement, almost, because in a moment of fear he still let his body make that half turn until he was facing the God again. 

The frantic heartbeat ringing in his ears made the world around him overwhelmingly loud, screaming and crashing, pulling at his chest until he nearly gave up again but the moment he opened his eyes the world fell silent. 

Before him sat Loki, staring straight at him with his hand stretched out, upward facing palm attached to a trembling arm, inviting Tony back in and for the first time since his arrival : seeking contact.  
“I…” But just like his world, the words fell silent too, his hand sliding over the trembling one in front of him without any further sounds muttered for they were simply not necessary in this act of silent trust. 

And just like that, the band-aid was applied as Tony slid down into the chair, holding onto Loki’s hand for dear life while building up the courage to look up and actually face the man who just showed him a grand gesture of faith. 

He couldn’t stop the tears from spilling and for once he wasn’t ashamed, neither was he trying to stop them from coming because the feeling was just too overwhelming. “I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry, love.”

Anthony was a wreck, sobbing like a hurt child and in a moment there he forgot everything he had worried about over the past months, lowering his head until his forehead was resting on the cold skin of Loki’s hand, ignoring the tears rolling down along the curve of the bony knuckles.

With a final gulp of air he steadied himself, dragging his heavy head up and returning his gaze to Loki’s conflicted face and smiled, genuinely this time. “I, uh… thank you.” 

The simple words weren’t even close to the waterfall of sentences he wanted to express but Tony just couldn’t find the courage to actually speak them right now, too overcome with emotions to utter another sound so all he did was hold on to that thin, cold hand for what seemed like hours.

They stayed like that for a good while, Steve granting them some privacy by occupying himself with his own business but without leaving Tony and Loki alone though for it was simply too soon for such a thing. 

When Anthony eventually found his voice back he couldn’t seem to be able to stop talking and though Loki being unresponsive to any of his questions left him more and more desperate he didn’t quit, continuing with his questions, apologies and stories while never looking away from the unreadable eyes looking into his own. 

It was only when that little movement happened that he shut his mouth again, looking at his now empty hand in defeat. Apparently letting his fingers run over Loki’s knuckles had deemed too much for the God, too intimate, who in return had slowly pulled his hand away.

“Right… sorry.” Tony said as he leaned back in his chair more, away from Loki to give both of them some space. 

Steve, who had taken notice of the situation growing more tense, interrupted before it could go from bad to worse like the angel he was, pulling Stark aside to discuss some medical matters.  
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some of the procedures we’ll have to perform.” 

He pulled up the medical record on the iPad in his hands and skillfully maneuvered between all the files of which Tony had no idea what they meant, before stopping on a page that looked like words upon words that probably looked extremely worrying to people without some sort of medical degree.

To be fair, they even seemed worrying to people who were, in fact, in the possession of one. 

“Well, first of all it’s time to remove the cast from his arm. The fracture had more than enough time to heal by now. Next it would also be good to get rid of the feeding tube and get him to eat on his own again. Speaking of tubes, it’s best we remove the urinary catheter to limit the risk of infection. And then last but not least, he needs to get on his feet.”

For the first time in minutes Tony manages to rip his eyes away from the file and look up at Steven, concern coating his brown eyes which were searching for answers to questions still unknown to him.  
“Yeah..” Steve let a hand run through his hair before continuing, not sure of how to share the medical details without worrying his friend even further but it had to be done. 

“Loki’s been bedridden for nearly three months now and sooner or later it was bound to have some unwanted effects on his body. Though Bucky and I have been trying to prevent it the best we can he has still started showing some early signs of pressure sores, or bedsores as you might call them.

Though right now it’s nothing serious they are known for rapidly growing worse over time into some hard to treat wounds so we must avoid that. The earlier we can get him up the better, even if it’s just a few minutes a day.”

That’s where the Captain finally takes a break and ushers Tony out of the room towards the kitchen so they can talk quietly but not without JARVIS monitoring Loki of course. 

“So as you can see, there’s a lot to do in the upcoming days and weeks but as you might have noticed; they’re all pretty invasive and will need both trust and participation from all parties involved and that does worry me a bit for I don’t want too many repeats of past events.”

Tony runs his hands over his tired face, groaning and throwing his body back in the chair before standing up and making his way over to the bar where he starts pouring himself a drink, almost looking offended when Steve declines the offer of having a glass himself.

“How are we going to do all that? How has he been handling the care while.. while I was.. away?” He asked once he sat down again, staring at the golden liquid in his glass rather than looking at the person he was addressing. 

“Well, the other day he let me apply ointment to the wounds on his back. I guess the need for some relief had surpassed the fear of being touched but anyway he let me do it so that’s been a step in the right direction.”

Tony seemed a bit surprised at that, stopping his hand from swirling the alcohol in his glass and just staring down into the little spiral that had formed within it, frown forming between his eyebrows but no remark was given, making it hard for Steve to read him. Even harder than normal. 

“Loki also moves on his own a bit more which is something I’m really happy about. It means he’s regaining a bit of strength in his muscles and it is also really beneficial for reducing stiffness and things like the pressure sores we talked about earlier. 

He’s also been given a pain pump with which he can adjust the amount of pain relief he gets to his own needs. I hope it helps him with feeling safer since now he can decide for himself how much Morphine he gets. 

Another thing I’ve noticed is that he’s doing some attempts at communication. It’s rare but it does happen. Sometimes he’ll nod or shake his head and sometimes he even points at something but the latter has only happened a handful of times. Still it’s good, don’t you think?”

The only response the Captain got was Tony raising his eyebrows and humming either indicating he wasn’t listening or that he was listening but simply doesn’t have an answer whether it be because he doesn’t care or because he doesn’t know what to say. 

Maybe all the medical talk was just boring to him?

Steve decided to leave it at that and went to prepare dinner for him and Stark and breakfast for Bucky who’d be up soon, leaving the iPad on the table so Tony could check in with JARVIS to keep an eye on Loki’s parameters. 

He eventually got up to return to his work place, responding with “I’m a mechanic, Steve, not a doctor” when asked where he was going.

Honestly, Tony had been really happy for Steve and Bucky when they decided to go to University, getting their nurse degree first and then both going for doctor. Them graduating had been one of the happiest days of his life but now he was just tired of living in what almost seemed like a hospital environment. 

He knew he’d have to man up because they had some challenging tasks ahead and eventually he’d have to be there for the three others again but not today. Today he was just happy he finally saw Loki again, the encounter still lingering in the tremble in his legs and the twitch at his lips.


	51. Vagues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thanks for bearing with me and this story ! Sorry for the late updates. Between hospital visits, running my store, a job, studying and taking care of 13 dogs for a few days I don't have a lot of free time haha but I try to update as often as possible ! Love you guys.

“Right, Loki.” 

Though it was clear Steve was trying to be as calm as possible, the nerve and slight tremble in his voice were still noticeable to Tony, who was sitting in one of the chairs in Loki’s room.  
“There’s three main things we would like to do to make you more comfortable and help you recover faster but don’t worry, we’ll take it one step at a time. I will explain the tree options for you and then you can choose for yourself which one has your priority, sound good?”

There was no response. Though not surprising it was still a bit worrisome. These were some pretty drastic changes and everyone wanted Loki to understand what was going on and for him to be comfortable enough to be able to give his opinion but with no vocal nor physical response that deemed a bit hard. 

All he did was move his eyes over Steve’s hands holding the iPad, then up towards the faces of the two men and then back towards his own hands before starting that triangle again.  
“Okay, well, here we go. 

The tree things we would like to get rid off are the cast around your arm, the feeding tube and the urinary catheter. It’s up to you to tell us which one of those bothers you the most or which one you are most comfortable with to have removed.” 

Steve made sure to give a kind smile and reassuring nod between sentences to keep the atmosphere as docile as possible and not freak out his patient, sometimes even looking over at Tony as if that man was the father of the patient he was currently speaking to. 

“The cast can be removed because your arm has healed. We remove it with a little saw that cuts the material away. It makes a lot of noise but it won’t and can’t hurt you. With the cast removed you’ll be able to move your hand and arm freely again and it will become less stiff. 

Now the feeding tube is very easy to remove, it just tickles a bit and might feel a bit weird but that’s it. Once it’s removed you can start eating on your own again. 

Same for the urinary catheter. It might feel a bit uncomfortable when it’s pulled out of the penis but it won’t hurt you. When it’s removed you can go to the bathroom normally again. You don’t have to go up and go to the toilet just yet, we have a urinal you can pee in while staying in bed. 

So those are the three things we’d like to make more comfortable for you. I’ll leave you some time to think about it, don’t feel pressured to give me an answer, okay?” 

*

“Bucky! Please keep his legs still.” 

There they were, Tony trying to calm Loki down, Bucky trying to keep the God from kicking his legs around and Steve trying to gently pull the catheter out of the penis in his hand.  
“Loki, you have to keep still for this. I don’t want to hurt you so please lay still for a few seconds and it will all be over before you know it.” 

So… the Odinson had chosen to have the urinary catheter removed but probably didn’t take in account someone had to handle his private parts to do the job and he was probably tremendously regretting his choice. 

After a good few minutes of trying to calm the situation it became clear to them that it wasn’t going to work so both Bucky and Steve took a step back after covering the God up and left him some room to steady his nerves and to stop the situation from escalating into something they couldn’t control anymore. 

The poor thing was trembling and his eyes were nervously shooting around the room again like he did those first few weeks after waking up. There was one difference though; he had both hands curled up in Tony’s shirt and his head nearly laying on the man’s chest, his messy braid being the only thing separating them. 

“Hey, hey, you’re okay.” Shushed Tony as he slowly ran his hand over the back of Loki’s hair and felt the head in his hands finally come to rest against his chest.

Ever since his accident in Afghanistan, Anthony was very distressed about anyone touching his chest, even after having the arc reactor removed, but for some reason he never flinched nor felt fear whenever the God touched him there, it even brought him some peace and left him feeling safe. 

“Are you feeling okay?” The small nod he felt against his sternum was a huge relief and cause him to take in a trembling breath of air while trying to steady his own weight.

The position they were in was quite uncomfortable and awkward, Loki having his legs curled up to unconsciously shield his private parts and Tony half standing, half sitting on the edge of the bed while trying not to shift too much as to not startle the vulnerable being leaning against him.

Why or how Loki trusted him and let him come so close was still a big mystery to him but Tony decided to enjoy it for as long as it lasted, throwing subtle glances over the features of the man in his arms and making a mental note to never forget them, saving them to his hard drive. 

It took him a bit by surprise when the head leaning against his chest disappeared and Loki moved away from him, dragging his body further towards the other edge of the bed accompanied by some barely audible but pained noises like an old dog trying to get up on the couch. 

The confusion Tony had felt a second before was instantly replaced by crushing hurt when he looked at Loki’s whole body trembling under the effort of simply moving a few inches. Sometimes it was hard to remember or imagine how much pain the Odinson must have been in and still is in. 

The amount of physical and mental abuse he had been put through were literally and figuratively out of this world but he kept such a strong attitude that if it were not for the haunting frame, scars and bruises one would not be able to guess half of what had happened to him. 

It were moments like these that made Tony snap back to reality though. Seeing Loki, who had been in their care for three months, barely being able to move around was a good wake up call. 

All he could do was stand and stare which just became awkward and he started feeling unnecessary so he straightened his posture and got ready to sit in one of the chairs a bit further away. After all Loki clearly had had enough of the contact, or se he thought, 

Because as he was about to avert his eyes and walk away he noticed icy blue eyes looking up at him and a thin, pale hand motioning to the empty space on the bed. 

“Are you sure?” 

The hesitation in Tony’s voice surpassed the one in Loki’s eyes but with one little nod all melted away and was forgotten as he carefully climbed in the bed and took place next to the God. 

Almost immediately did Loki lean his weight against Stark whom in return shifted a bit so he could take the trembling frame into his arms until it was almost completely positioned between his legs.  
It was quite stressful at first. Neither of them knowing how to react or what to do and holding their breaths for a good few seconds before even daring letting out a soft sigh but the stress dropped from their shoulders like a bird from a branch the moment they ware able to let go of their fears. 

“Are you okay, Loki? Did Steve hurt you?” There came no reply but Loki seemed fairly relaxed, the only thing giving away he was still a bit startled were his legs still protectively pulled up, shielding his crotch from the outside world and from further handling but that was okay for it could have been worse, way worse. 

Tony spend the rest of the hour brushing his fingers through the now loose black hair displayed against his chest and down his legs, untangling every knot with care while softly talking to the man in his arms. It were simple sweet-nothings but it seemingly helped relax the mood and the tense muscles he felt pressed against his own body so he kept doing exactly that. 

“Hey, wanna get out of bed for a while and just sit on the couch? I’ll carry and hold you if you’ll let me?” 

After some hesitation Loki eventually agreed and kept pretty still as Tony was slipping his underwear on apart from the slight flinching and the unconscious inching away. Even when Anthony’s arms slid underneath his knees and behind his back he didn’t move but instead let it all happen, let his body be carried while being wrapped up in the warm fleece blanket, his hoodie (or technically Tony’s hoodie) pulled up around his head. 

Stark kept a close eye on Loki, going slowly and observing any reaction closely to avoid freak outs. The blue eyes that previously stared back at him were now a bit glazed over but not in a bad or panicky way, more as if Loki had gone back to a place of distant memories, safety. 

Only when Tony sat down on the couch and pulled Loki closer to him did the latter come back to the here and now, curling up into the blanket and repositioning his head against the chest underneath it.  
“Are you comfortable like this?” Again, no answer was given but judging by the steady breathing and relaxed body Loki appeared to be okay, maybe even enjoying it, who knew? 

Once the IV’s were secured to the holder next to the couch and everything looked okay, Tony could relax as well, hoping the Odinson was glad to be out of bed for the first time in three months and basking in the joy of this huge step they just took, momentarily ignoring the haunting feeling of carrying a full grown, 6ft2 – 6ft4 person in your arms but only having 125 pounds weighing down.


	52. sticky situations

“Hey, uh, if you’re comfortable enough, would you consider letting Steve try to take the catheter out again? I’ll stay with you the entire time and we can just remain here on the couch. I promise you no one will hurt you and nothing bad will happen to you.”

Loki looked up at that, unfortunately with slight panic in his eyes, obviously thinking back at the fiasco that happened not more than an hour ago. He really wanted the catheter out. It was annoying and embarrassing and he honestly missed going to the toilet himself but having three men hold him down while one of them had his hand wrapped around his penis proved too much, triggering painful memories and causing him to shut down. 

“You can receive some medication to help ease your nerves if you’d like but we don’t want to drug you like we were forced to do in the beginning when Bucky and Steve had to perform life-saving procedures. You’re a being with an own mind so you’re entitled to make your own choices.”

Tony kept quiet for a while after that, unsure of how to continue and unsure of how Loki interpreted the things he said to him. Ever since it became clear to Stark that the God was unable to speak he had been working on ways to make communication happen but with so little information on the person in question that turned out to be a lot harder than he anticipated. 

For now, all he could do was talk to Loki and hope for some answers.

“Loki?”

“Hmm?” 

“Would you like to try again, calmly this time?” 

Loki cast his eyes down, staring at Tony’s lap like a shy child being introduced to strangers but he did it, he nodded and confirmed he’d like to try again. 

“Good! Thanks, love. I’ll text Steve.”

*

“Okay, Loki, I’ll just explain what we’re about to do again.” 

Steve was crouched next to Tony holding Loki and gave him a warm smile, barely being able to contain the happiness he felt upon seeing the God out of bed, in the arms of a man and ready to try something again that caused him to freak out not long ago. 

“I’ll just disconnect the bag first and empty it. Then I can empty the little balloon in your bladder that holds the catheter in place. It doesn’t hurt and is done within a few seconds. I can then easily pull out the little tube. 

If it would make you more comfortable I can do it without holding your penis but then you’ll have to lay very still for me. Would you prefer it that way?” 

Loki was shutting down again and Tony noticed it, pulling him closer like anyone would protect a loved one. For some reason Loki trusted Steve the least, probably because he was the one who performed most of the annoying tasks on him such as taking parameters, emptying the urinary bag, checking IV’s and doing wound care. 

Or at least trying. Because every day had been a struggle. Taking care of a patient in such a critical condition that wouldn’t let you come near him most of the time was hard but Steve always did the best he could. Even if they only managed to do one thing that day then so be it, it was better than nothing at all. 

Tony eventually pulled the God’s head towards him so they could look at each other and avoid tension building. He would take care of the communication and Steve and Bucky would take care of the rest.  
Normally Bucky would be asleep now, only waking up when it was time to begin the night shift but they needed all the help they could get today so there they were, again. 

It took about ten minutes of Stark whispering to the nervous being before he looked up and gave a small, confirmative nod to the two men patiently waiting nearby. He took it upon himself to slide Loki’s underwear off with his free hand all while keeping the blanket wrapped around them as much as possible to make him feel less exposed. 

Every time Loki tried looking at his privates to see what was going on Tony gently but firmly kept his head in place, asking the God to look at him instead of at Steve and Bucky. 

Luckily taking the catheter out was a quick procedure because Loki was squirming so hard they were afraid he would fall off Tony’s lap or hurt himself or both. 

The moment it was out the two doctors took their distance to let Loki calm down, directing their attention to Anthony to explain what some of the future steps were and how the care should be done before leaving the room and letting the stress fade away gradually. 

Panic rose up to his chest when he suddenly felt a little wetness on his neck which he soon found out to be caused by Loki’s tears falling onto his skin. “Hey, hey, you’re alright. It’s over.”

He pulled back to be able to take in the situation more clearly and to help the Odinson pull on his underwear and sweatpants again but when his eyes landed on the exposed privates he immediately understood where the tears were coming from.

They weren’t caused by pain but rather by shame, fear and humiliation.

Loki was hard. 

His penis was laying against his belly in a heavy and flushed way, balls resting between violently trembling legs and it quickly became clear to Tony that Loki must be terrified and probably got hard without wanting to, now completely ashamed and scared because of the treason his body committed. 

And for the millionth time since that dreadful night Tony’s heart just sank and broke into a thousand pieces while for some reason also spurring on tears to form in his eyes as he had to do everything in his might to not break down because Loki needed him right now, more than anything. 

But when he gently took a hold of the boxer shorts resting around the thin legs he got a choked up noise and spasming knees in return causing him to quickly retract his hand from where it was positioned dangerously close to Loki’s privates. 

“I’m so sorry, love. I promise I won’t touch you. You haven’t done anything wrong and nothing bad will ever happen to you again, cross my heart. I just want to help you pull up your underwear and sweatpants so you don’t have to feel so exposed. Would that be okay?”

Not surprisingly, he didn’t get any answer in return but this time it was because Loki simply was too far gone, trapped in flashbacks of men grabbing him, hands groping him and mouths roaming him. 

“Poor thing,” whispered Tony as he placed soft kissed on the forehead pushed against his collarbones and running his free hand through the now loose but messy hair cascading down the skinny and trembling frame within his arms, “you’re okay. Everything will be okay.”

*

At least half an hour went by before Tony could get himself to open his eyes again and look up, turning his head to one of JARVIS’ cameras and asked his A.I. to turn on STARS one which immediately resulted in the lights being dimmed, the fairy lights being turned on and soft instrumental music to be played. 

Loki seemed to have calmed down a bit, his eyes focused on the back of the couch which was positioned against the wall and had a string of fairy lights running over it, no longer having an uncomfortable erection poking his cold skin. 

“Are you comfortable?” No answer.

“Is it okay if I pull your clothes up around your legs?” Again, no answer.

Since Loki seemed calm Tony decided to try anyway which luckily turned out to be the right choice for the God did not flinch this time and even tried his best to lift his hips a bit.  
Once the boxer shorts and sweatpants were in place again they could finally fully relax, eventually both dosing off for the night. 

*

It turned out to be a truthfully peaceful night. Both Loki and Tony sleeping without disruption, not even waking up from Bucky entering the room every hour to do his routine check ups once.  
That was until Anthony was awaken by a wetness touching his skin once again, not from tears this time but urine leaking from Loki’s legs onto his own. 

He almost shot up in a panic before quickly changing his mind and deciding not to move, not wanting to wake up the sleeping person who apparently was blissfully unaware of what was going on. 

Stark simply waited patiently until Bucky stopped by for his six a.m. checkup. When the man walked in he seemed surprised to see his friend awake and was probably even more surprised by the panicky look in the eyes looking up at him. 

With reflexes taking over, Bucky automatically cast his eyes over Loki but seeing the latter still sleeping peacefully he didn’t understand what was the cause of the discomfort in Anthony. 

It wasn’t until Stark pulled away the blanket to reveal the wet spot covering Loki’s and his pants that the soldier understood what had happened. Neither of them wanted to wake up the poor thing so they decided to communicate via text, trying to work out a solution. 

 

Bucky 06.03am  
‘Do you want to try to get cleaned up without him waking up?’

Tony 06.04am  
‘He’ll probably wake up won’t he?’

Tony 06.04am  
‘But I truthfully feel a bit uncomfortable being covered in piss’

Bucky 06.05am  
‘Alright, if you can get from underneath him you can get cleaned up’

Bucky 06.05am  
‘We’ll clean up Loki the best we can without waking him afterwards. 

Tony 06.06am  
‘Alright’

 

Easier said than done, though. Tony did his best to move Loki next to him on the couch inch by inch while trying not to wake the sleeping being. It took him a few minutes but he eventually succeeded, pulling a slightly disgusted face as he felt his wet pants sticking to his now straight legs. 

He didn’t blame Loki, nor was Stark disgusted by him but the whole situation was a bit… sticky. 

Tony came back some fifteen minutes later, hair still dripping from the shower, wearing a clean hoodie and jeans. He smiled as he saw Bucky checking up on Loki, blue eyes running over IV’s not turning away until they were satisfied by what they saw. 

*

They skillfully wiped down the couch and agreed it was worth the risk of getting the god out of his stained clothes.

That was a mistake.

Because right as the two men were bending over the fragile body, pulling down the wet clothes, the owner of the body woke up. 

It catastrophically resulted in panic with Loki frantically trying to get away from the men whose hands were located by his crotch. He trashed and flinched so hard it resulted in him sliding off the couch, landing with a soft thud followed by a louder crack. 

“Fuck!”

There was nothing they could do as the terrified guy scrambled away into the nearest corner, blanket protectively pulled over most of his body, sobbing and trembling like a beaten child. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck”


	53. doubt

Steve was pissed, disappointed even.

He scolded both Bucky and Tony for what had happened before retracting himself to his room, coming out two minutes later in the nurse uniform he wore while on shift and went to Loki’s room. 

The two other men were left in the living room, looking down at their hands in shame and refusing to speak. It was painful to see Steve like that and to be called out for something that was an accident but they did understand where the reaction was coming from though. 

No one had known what to expect when they took the god in. For a while they feared he was going to recover quickly and return to his full power resulting in another attack, they even feared it was all just one big scheme but they were proven wrong soon enough. 

Steven and Bucky had seen a lot of horror in their days of working at a veteran’s hospital. Terrible wounds, haunting PTSD and suffering people but they had never seen a situation as severe as Loki’s.  
Loki had been broken, stripped of everything he had been until all that was left was a dying body with an already dead soul. 

The past three months had proven extremely difficult. From battling to saving his life to fighting for his mental wellbeing but it had all been with frequent setbacks, some more major than others. 

So every time something like this happened, which set them back again after they were finally moving in the right direction, it was extremely upsetting and made everyone feel that much closer to breaking down. 

Luckily for them, Steve loved them and they were sure he’d forgive them, realizing they were only trying to do what was best for Loki and didn’t mean for the disaster to happen. 

For now though, it was best to leave the Captain alone and let him try to make something of the situation. Besides, they could both use some sleep and were probably not wanted by neither Loki or Steve for the moment. 

*

When Steve entered the room he couldn’t help himself stopping dead in his tracks. What he saw was worse than what he imagined and broke his heart, hope sinking to his shoes.  
“Good morning, Loki. I’m here to help you.”

Loki was still sitting in the corner, trembling from exhaustion while his breathing was slow and shallow, only noticeable by the subtle rising and falling of his pale chest visible through the head opening of his hoodie. 

That hoodie being the only thing he was wearing, judging by the underwear and sweatpants lost on the floor. He was protectively trying to hold up the fleece blanket around his aching frame but he was visibly getting more and more tired by the minute, the obviously broken collar bone not being of any help. 

Steve had a full day ahead of him and plenty of time so he concluded there was no reason to rush, he was determined to fix this mess and thus he began. 

He started by pulling out the iPad and making a note of everything that needed to be done, occasionally looking up to see if he had missed anything by scanning Loki and mentally checking all the types of care he usually received. 

After about two minutes it seemed complete but was quite long unfortunately. 

During the struggle Loki had managed to pull out the feeding tube, forcefully so looking at the blood dripping from his nose and over his lips. Luckily, the IV’s were still in place because, man, getting a needle in someone’s hand who doesn’t want to be touched is a huge struggle. 

Other than that, he obviously broke his collar bone which needed stabilizing, I’d be good to get him in some clothes, get him back in bed and finally do a full check up of parameters, wounds and just the general state of things. 

In other words, Steve had a lot of work.

He went ahead and gathered everything he’ll need for the day, he even went to the kitchen to get a stack of food, including some food for Loki whom he was going to try to get to eat something on his own now that the feeding tube was out. 

Ten minutes later he was sat on the floor in front of Loki, surrounded by all the items he’d collected. 

Sandwiches and soup for himself, yoghurt and a fruit salad for the god, an arm sling, pillows, blankets, clean clothes, wipes, rubbing alcohol, dermal cream and finally his iPad. 

It may have looked ridiculous to an outsider, like an adult trying to recreate a child’s sleepover or tea party but the reality was more bleak. Especially when realizing most of the stuff was medical material and that one of the participants was an injured and frightened person. 

That didn’t scare off Steve though, he was determined to make the most out of the situation and to create an environment as docile as possible to try and create some sort of bond or trust between them, hopefully improving the way things were going. 

“Hi there, I’m going to start by asking you some questions so I can help you, okay? You can just nod or shake your head.

Are you in pain?”

Loki didn’t give any answer, making Steve move on to the next step which was reassuring the Odinson and making sure the latter was as comfortable as possible. 

“You must be in a lot of pain. I’m going to move a bit closer so I can reach your pain pump and turn it up a bit, that way you’ll be less sore within a few minutes.”

He gave a gentle smile and kept his voice soft as to not startle his patient, nor give him the impression he was angry or something was wrong. The flinching and trembling caused by him moving closer were painful to notice but he simply ignored it, efficiently turning up the morphine dose and retracting himself to his spot on the pillow a few feet away. 

Luckily, Loki had stopped crying and the bleeding had stopped as well but now he was left with blood drying over his lips. The trembling and nervous behavior hadn’t stopped though and it honestly worried Steve.

They had made some big steps in the recovery, I mean, Loki was beginning to accept being touched and helped and even felt comfortable being held by Tony. Seeing him this shaken by just one event was truly worrisome and maybe even called for more careful measures in the future. 

One little slip up and everything had fallen to pieces again. Two months of hard work after Loki woke up from his coma and one moment undid nearly all of it. How could that have happened?

It wasn’t uncommon to encounter patients with vague backgrounds or who didn’t want to say anything about what caused their injuries but this was on a whole new level. Loki needed quite intensive care and every time a setback like this occurred he was getting dangerously close to a life threatening situation again.

Steve began doubting it all, making a mental note of discussing something with Bucky and Tony he had tried to avoid but which was getting more and more probable. 

For now, he could only do his best and make sure nothing bad happened to the patient in his care.

“Here are some wet wipes if you’d like to clean yourself, they’re soft and easy to use. I also got you some fresh clothes. You can put them on whenever you feel ready and if you’d like some help you can just let me know, it’s what I’m here for.”

And with that, Steve slowly pushed the pile of clothes and the pack of wet wipes in Loki’s direction until they were right next to him on the floor. 

“Are you cold? I have some extra blankets here.”

He waited a minute before repeating his question. No explicit answer came but he noticed the subtle longing and shy flick of the god’s eyes towards the neatly folded fleece blankets. 

Once more did he carefully rise to his feet and took the top navy blue one before laying it over the god’s body, again ignoring the heartbreaking flinching. Loki seemed startled and conflicted but instantly more comfortable and the trembling went down a bit, too. 

“Your collar bone appears to be broken.” Said Steve while simultaneously running his finger over his own collar bone. “This is an arm sling, it will keep your arm in place so the bone can heal. It doesn’t hurt and it’s made out of soft material, here I’ll show you.”

Steve was sitting on the ground again as he took the sling and slipped his arm through the first hole, demonstrating how it works. “There, you see?”

Loki was looking at him in an intense way, obviously not trusting the whole thing in the slightest of ways but still being intrigued by it all, scanning Rogers’ frame inch by inch.  
“I won’t force you to wear it though, we can keep that for later but I promise it helps and it takes the pain away.”

The following hour was spent in silence, the only sound coming from the TV Steven had turned on, remembering the god had previously enjoying watching the strange creatures on Animal Planet. 

This time, too, was Loki mesmerized by some lion cubs playing and annoying their mother under the midday sun. A few minutes later Steve had to look up after hearing a soft series of breaths, thinking Loki might be having difficulties breathing or choking or what’s not but when he turned his attention to the Odinson he was met with a perfectly fine Loki (in terms of the whole situation).

Was he… smiling? Laughing even? 

“What are you laughing about?” Chuckled Steve, whose heart suddenly became overfilled with joy. Loki spooked a bit at the sudden voice filling the room, having to think for a few seconds what was going on, as if he was surprised he was being addressed. 

It took a while and the Captain was ready to just drop it but without moving the trembling hand from his lap, Loki lifted a finger towards the television behind Steve who in turn turned around and couldn’t help but smile.

The screen was now filled with kittens of only a few weeks old, bouncing around the place and tripping over things while their names appeared at the bottom and a narrator was giving some background info and comments. 

“Do you know what they are? Do they have those on Asgard?” Loki didn’t answer and was visibly getting more nervous again so Steve quickly looked away and resumed his work on the iPad, not speaking again until a few minutes later.

He didn’t look up from the little screen in his lap but he started explained to Loki that those were cats, little and soft animals people keep as pets which did sound ridiculous as he was saying it but he hoped he got the point across and didn’t creep out the poor thing. 

Upon thinking about Loki smiling and even softly chuckling, the corners of his mouth pulled into a smile of his own. That was only the second time Loki had smiled since being in their care and it just was the best thing in the world. 

Even if the humans caused him pain he apparently still found a reason for joy, that being clumsy kittens in this case and it made Steven happier than ever, momentarily forgetting the seriousness of the situation. 

*

When midday came around, Steve began eating his sandwiches, carefully waiting and observing Loki’s reaction who’d been without a feeding tube for about six hours now and soon enough the abused stomach started growling softly, much to the embarrassment of the Odinson. 

“I got you some food, too. This is just plain yoghurt and that one is a simple fruit salad. You can try to eat on your own again, otherwise the feeding tube will have to be put back in sooner or later.”

Steve pushed the foods towards Loki and let him take his time. Slow and steady wins the race, as they say. 

He hadn’t expected the god to eat it straight away but still the reaction surprised him. Not only did Loki not eat it, he refused to even touch it. The only thing he did was eye it suspiciously and observe it as if it was the strangest thing he had ever laid eyes on. 

“It’s okay, you can eat it, it’s for you.”

But no amount of encouragement was going to get him to eat, the reason behind it still a mystery to Rogers. “Well, feel free to eat it whenever you feel like it.” 

That was as far as they got for the rest of the day. The only thing Steve had managed was to get the morphine up, give Loki an extra blanket and explain the arm sling but that was it. 

He had hoped he could’ve gotten his patient in a more stable situation because this was dangerous and it had to be fixed within the next twenty-four hours it would yet again cause serious problems for Loki’s health and that was the last thing they wanted. 

*

It was around eight p.m. when Bucky came in the room, still in sweatpants and a t-shirt, his hair in a messy bun but still smelling like citrus and flowers, putting a smile on Steve’s face. 

Good, so Steve wasn’t made anymore to Buck’s delight. He knew his boyfriend was just as frustrated as he was and that Steven never meant to take his anger out on him. 

Bucky bent down to kiss his lover before sitting down next to him and resting his head on the broad shoulder by his side, smiling at Loki who was still hiding in that corner.  
But the mood quickly changed. Loki suddenly was wide awake and getting panicky again, trying to push his body against the wall even more. Seeing Bucky had really startled him, resulting in what looked like the beginning of a panic attack. 

Without hesitation Steve got up and pulled Buchanan with him, leading him out of the room.

“I’m really sorry, Stevie. I didn’t mean to scare him.” 

“I know Buck, don’t worry. I think what happened last night is that Loki woke up to two men with their hands around his underwear and pants which were slipped down to his tighs. On top op that it was still quite dark in the room so he must have misinterpreted the whole situation.

He either didn’t recognize you two or thought you were having wrong intentions,

or both.

So either way, you two really scared him. Even it was accidentally and we know it was all with good intentions, he doesn’t know and it probably triggered some bad flashbacks or even worse, he might think we’ve betrayed him and had bad intentions from the start.”

Steve stopped speaking after that, noticing how quiet and distant Bucky had gotten. When he gently pushed the soldier’s chin up he understood why. 

Bucky was crying.

“Aww, love. Come here.”

He immediately pulled Buck into his arms, placing kisses on the top of his head while whispering loving words to him. 

The truth was, the whole chaos hadn’t only triggered painful memories for Loki but for Bucky, too. The reason Steve knew exactly what the God was probably thinking right now was because it was a familiar scenario of his love life. 

When Bucky was found everything seemed okay at first because he had been kept in such great health so the problems were buried beneath the surface. 

Sure, everyone expected him to be a little shaken but most people thought all the problems were related to the Winter Soldier. 

Steve soon enough found out that wasn’t the case. While being the Winter Soldier Bucky didn’t have any control over his mind or body but the moment he was out of the trance he’d remember every single thing they hadn’t wiped from his mind. 

For a good few months he had a really hard time trusting anyone and an even harder time telling good from bad. Nearly everything Steve did would trigger something deep within him, a painful sting stabbing his heart and telling him something was wrong and that the situation couldn’t be trusted. 

So Steve very much understood what Loki must be going through right now and Bucky was feeling like shit because he contributed to it. 

“Come, let’s get something to eat and I’ll stay with you for as long as you need me.”


	54. Baby, go to sleep.

Bucky had sacrificed some of his sleep to help out during the day shift so it was only fair Steve was now sacrificing some of his to help Bucky during the night shift. It would be nice to get some help from Tony but neither of them had seen him since the incident. 

Loki was keeping his nervous eyes trained on the couple seated on the couch despite being exhausted after being up for nearly twenty-four hours. At least he wasn’t freaking out about Bucky being in the room anymore which was all thanks to Steve who did his best to explain that what had happened was an accident and that neither Tony or Buck had bad intentions. 

The food by Loki’s side was yet again left untouched. Soup gone cold, sandwich gone dry and eating apparently still out of the question. 

That’s when it suddenly hit Steve. 

“Oh! Wait, Loki, what do you eat on Asgard? Do you not want to eat the food because it’s not what you are used to eating?”

The God raised an eyebrow at that, giving Steve a proper judgmental vibe which actually made him chuckle. “Okay, so that’s not it. Would you mind telling me the reason? Actually, I have a better idea.”

Steve now had Bucky and Loki’s full attention. Both looking at the iPad in his hands as he got up from the couch and cautiously walked over to the prince before crouching down and turning the screen so they could both look.

“Here, you can draw and write on this, just with your finger.” A quick demonstration was given after which the Steve gently laid the device down in Loki’s lap and adding : “I don’t know if you can read and write but you can draw on it too if you’d like.”

The Odinson seemed hesitant, not quite sure of what to do or what was expected of him so he just froze, locking his eyes on the couple again and staring them down with tired but intense eyes.  
“Come, let’s give him some space.”

It was a good initiative from Bucky so they got up and left to grab a bite, relying on JARVIS’ 24/7 monitoring of Loki now displayed on the tv-screen in the kitchen while simultaneously showing the news in the bottom corner of the flat screen. 

“Millionaire Tony Stark from Stark Industries has made a public appearance for the first time in months. The entrepreneur was spotted in a bar on the corner of 31st street where he seemed to enjoy himself judging by the drunk state in which he eventually faced the reporters, or rather : avoided them.”

The screen then changed from the reporter to a video of Tony drunkenly trying to make his way through the horde of cameras and microphones while repeatedly yelling “I won’t tell you my secrets!”

Steve facepalmed so hard the smack scared Bucky who was previously staring at the television with raised eyebrows and his mouth hanging open in shock. “That absolute idiot. I hope he didn’t get into his car in that state.”

With his hand still clasped over his eyes, Steve simply nodded at Buck’s remark, adding that he hoped Stark’s behavior and comments would not raise any questions.  
“JARVIS, where is Stark?” 

“Asleep in his car, sir. I put it on autopilot, the car is driving home now.” 

Tony was lucky to have JARVIS, without that A.I. he probably would have accidentally killed himself seventeen times by now. Probably would have caused three global destruction catastrophes, too. 

*  
“Bucky, look.” 

It had been approximately twenty minutes since the two men left Loki’s room and had some food, both now staring at the tv once more. Not to see Tony embarrass himself on the news but to see Loki slowly dragging his fingers across the iPad in his lap. 

They decided to wait until the god was finished to go and see what he had written and / or drawn but could honestly barely contain their excitement so the moment Loki removed his hand from the device they were up and on their way. 

“Hey, Loki. Can I see what you wrote?” 

Steve approached carefully but frowned when he saw the iPad. There were no drawings, no words, not even letters, just four symbols unknown to him.

ᛚ ᛟ < I 

“What does that mean?” 

Loki seemed confused by that question for a second before he appeared to realize Steve probably doesn’t know this scripture and slowly brought his finger to his pale chest.

“ ‘Loki’ ? Is that what it says?” The god nodded once, receiving an excited and happy gasp from the mean crouching down next to him. “Thank you for writing that. If there’s anything else you want to write you can do so, okay?”

And with that Steve stood up to accompany his boyfriend on the couch again. It wasn’t long until he fell asleep, exhausted from staying up way past his usual bedtime but he did so with a content smile lingering on his lips, proud of Loki for the new attempt at communication. 

He was glad to see things were calm when he woke up a few hours later. The sun hadn’t risen yet but the soft glow outside suggested it would rise soon and that yet another day was upon them. 

Bucky was sitting close to Loki were Steven had sat the previous day, though not as near it was a huge relief to see them sharing the space in what seemed like a calm mood, especially after the disaster of two nights ago. 

“Morning.” Groaned Steve softly as he greeted the two others with a sleepy but kind smile and got up from the couch, stretching his sore muscles a bit before making his way to the kitchen. 

*

“How’s he been during the night?” 

Bucky ran his hands over his face in response after which he took a sip of coffee as if he needed some caffeine first before having that conversation and he was not wrong. 

“Loki was calm but we both know that’s only because he’s exhausted. He hasn’t slept in over twenty-four hours while his body actually needs a bunch of sleep to keep up with his recovery so that’s not good.” 

There was a moment of silence between them, the calm before the storm as you may call it because they knew the rest of the discussion would only get more serious over the course of the dreadful following minutes. 

“I couldn’t take his parameters so I had to rely on the monitor and the visual signs. Both his heartrate and breathing significantly dropped a few times, he’s also not a hundred percent there and I’m afraid it’s not just exhaustion but that he might fall unconscious again soon.”

At that their eyes simultaneously shifted to the iPad to check up on the god who, luckily, was still awake, for now.

“He also trembled the entire time so there might be a fever present, maybe some early signs of shock. He needs to be stabilized, Steve, as soon as possible.”

Steven nodded in agreement, his eyes now glued to his cup of coffee, a dull glaze over them and without looking up he finally said out loud what they were both thinking but had been too afraid to say.

“If he’s not back in bed and stabilized within the next six hours we’ll have to do it.”


	55. Absolutely not

“Absolutely not!” 

“Tony, just listen! We – “

“We are NOT putting Loki in an induced coma, Steve !”

Angry words were soon followed by an empty glass, previously filled with alcohol, flying near Steve’s head before smashing to pieces against the wall and that’s when it broke lose. 

In an instant Steven had smacked Anthony against the opposite wall with one hand tightly around the latter’s neck and his second hand in a fist pressed against the scar of the arc reactor. 

“Don’t you dare.” Threatened Cap in a tone that would put Vin Diesel to shame as he caught a glimpse of Tony’s hand reaching for the device used to call his suits. “Don’t you dare call your suit.”

Stark may be arrogant and cocky but he knew better than to challenge a super soldier with no back up plan. Not to forget said soldier’s ex-assassin boyfriend lurking in the shadows on the opposite side of the kitchen. He knew either could kill them so fast he wouldn’t even have the time to say ‘JARVIS’. 

“Steve?”

The tremble in Bucky’s voice raised some serious alarm bells and without even having to look he knew what was going on so he generously took a step back, hands still painfully pressed against Tony’s body though, and took a last hard, long look at his friend.

“Think about it Tony, but maybe do so when you’re less drunk and when you’ve calmed down. 

Remember we’re you’re friends. We’re on the same side here.”

And with that, Steve pushed himself away, resulting in Stark smacking against the wall a second time, less hard but still enough to produce a dull thud coming from the wall. 

“And don’t ever threaten me or Bucky ever again.”

*

“You okay, Buck?”

The breath was knocked out of his lungs when the ex-assassin pushed him against the wall so hard he saw stars for a second, the freezing outdoor air not helping his lungs co-operate.   
Steve swallowed thickly and tried inching away from the burning cigarette being held an inch away from his face before he could redeem himself and commanding “at ease, soldier!” between clenched teeth. 

Bucky immediately released him and stood down as asked but wasn’t snapping back to reality as quickly as Steve had hoped, causing the shock the Captain had felt seconds earlier to be replaced by the previous anger.

What he did next was something nothing could justify.

Bucky went down easily, the slap burning on Steve’s palm and the smack still ringing in their ears as James hit the ground, gasping softly as he protectively clutched his arms over his head.   
“Bucky?” 

Without any further sound or any exchange of words, Buchanan got up, face expressionless but pale, contrasting with his dark hair falling over the bright red mark covering his left cheek in shame and hurt. 

“Buck?”

“Fuck off, Steve!” Yelled the soldier as he pushed his way past his boyfriend to go back inside, slamming the door with such force the glass cracked all the way from top to bottom and his metal arm buzzed with annoyance. 

The cigarette Bucky had been smoking now lay forgotten on the ground where he had been laying himself a minute ago, burning out mockingly until the ashes started scattering away, causing Steve to follow them into the night sky for as long as he could. 

He eventually managed to rip his eyes away from the stupid cigarette and lit one of his own, wiping the tears from his cheeks in an angry movement before letting out a good ‘Fuck!’ while looking down at the streets from one of Stark’s Malibu house’s many balconies. 

By the time he went back inside he couldn’t feel his fingers anymore and his lips had turned a deep red, nearly purple due to the cold wind rushing by that high up but what did it matter, right?  
“Where’s Bucky?” Asked Steve without granting Tony any eye contact or emotion. 

“He went out.” 

“Out?! Fuck! JARVIS, where is Bucky?” 

Even before Jarvis could finish saying he didn’t know were ‘Sergeant Buchanan Barnes’ was, Steve was out the door, grabbing a random set of keys from one of Anthony’s cars on the way. 

His knuckles turned white from gripping the steering wheel of the way too expensive Audi as he drove through the streets of Malibu while trying his hardest not to surpass the speed limit by too much. His life was already enough of a mess, he didn’t need a car accident on top of everything. 

The advantage with fancy cars tough, is their speech-to-text, allowing Steve to send a message to Tony without taking his attention away from traffic.

‘Keep an eye on Loki, or let Jarvis do it. Call me if anything’s wrong. Tell Jarvis to keep looking for Bucky.’

He drove to all the places his boyfriend might be. From their hang-out spot at the beach to their favorite café, from the hospital they work at to the gym they went to but no sign of James anywhere so he turned around to get to Jarvis since Tony hadn’t replied to his text. 

*

“Jarvis, do you know where Buck is yet?”

Again, Cap didn’t let the A.I. finish its excuse but turned his attention to a still drunk Tony sitting at the kitchen table. “I’m calling the police.”

“Are you fucking crazy?! We can’t call the police, Rogers.”

“And why’s that?! Bucky is missing!”

“Yeah well, maybe because we have a wanted person hid away in this house ! Do you want police and S.H.I.E.L.D. all over the place? Is that what you want?!”

They were seconds away from erupting into another massive fight, Steve’s phone already unlocked, when Jarvis interrupted them, announcing facial recognition ran someone matching Bucky’s profile.

“Keep an eye on Loki, JARVIS.”

*

This time, Steve cared a little less about speed limits, rushing his way through the 1am traffic towards the spot the car had indicated on the GPS, foot firmly on the gas and eyes scanning the area as he was approaching. 

“Bucky ! Hey, Bucky ? It’s me.”

The soldier was sitting against the side of a house in a dark alley, drunk and hypothermic with tear stained cheeks and blue, trembling lips. “Fuck… Bucky?”

“Steve?” He held his arms out like a small child wanting to be comforted while keeping his eyes pressed shut as he made a soft, pained noise. “You hit me. You fucking hit me!” Sobbed he the moment Cap crouched down and wrapped his arms around the cold frame. 

Unlike Steve, Bucky could still get drunk. It wasn’t often and it never lasted longer than an hour but with enough alcohol it was possible. “I’m so sorry, Buck. I never should have hit you, nothing can justify it.”

“Why’d you do it then?” 

One thing about drunk Bucky : some of the fear surrounding expressing emotions melted away which more often than not resulted in painful and heartbreaking confessions being made. 

Combining a question like that with the memory of why it’s being asked and the genuinely hurt tone was too much for Steve, who in one swift motion picked up his boyfriend from the ground and carried him to the car. 

“We’ll talk about it later, Bucky, when you’re feeling better. Now, I’m taking you to the hospital.”


	56. Critical

Steve had much rather wanted to bring Bucky to a different hospital than the one they work at but at least this one knew about Buck’s.. past and how to deal with the severe PTSD since they mostly treated veterans who were dealing with similar problems. 

“He got drunk and stayed out in the cold for about an hour, wearing nothing but what he’s wearing now. Please help him, Pepper.”

Pepper never asked questions and she was a good nurse, no, an excellent one and Steve trusted her. She immediately guided him towards an available bed, calling a doctor and another nurse on the way there. 

As soon as Steve lay Bucky down on the bed he was kindly, but sternly pushed aside to let the on-duty staff do their work and force him to watch from a few feet away. 

James’ skin was almost white and his lips still blue. It wasn’t until he was brought under the light that Steve could see the bruise already forming over the cheek bone where his hand connected with it, causing tears to well up in his eyes again. 

“Is he gonna be okay?” He knew damn well Buck was going to be okay but he just wanted to hear someone else say it. “We just need to get his temperature up and I’ll also take a look at that bruise and that wound.”

“Wound? What wound?” Pepper stepped aside to show the scratches down Bucky’s neck and a stripe that looked like a burn mark running along it.

The tears now ran down his cheeks freely, so ashamed of what he did. Never in the hundred years that he had known Bucky had he hit or intentionally hurt him, until now. 

His boyfriend was left with a bruised face, scrapes down his neck from hitting the ground and a burn mark that undoubtedly resulted from the burning cigarette dragging across his skin as he fell on top of it and all that because of him.

Steve had to retract himself from the room, sobbing uncontrollably once he pressed his shoulders against the white walls of the hospital hallway. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I hit him, Pepper! There was an argument and I hit him so hard he fell on the ground. God, this is all my fault.”

Pepper was obviously shocked at what she just heard but the stern side of her took the upper hand as she suggested Steve should take a walk or grab a bite in the cafeteria and reassuring him that Bucky will be fine.

“I’ll call you when he’s recovered a bit more, Steve. Okay?” 

*

After smoking two cigarettes one after another, he finally followed her advice and ordered a coffee from the cafeteria, keeping his eyes trained on his phone the entire time. 

It wasn’t Pepper calling catching his attention, though, it was JARVIS’ warning system alerting a raise in Loki’s heartbeat. He was beyond cursing this time, simply running his hands over his exhausted face as he got up, already making his way up to Bucky’s room again.

He didn’t enter, he couldn’t. Steve just looked for Pepper and told her he had a ‘situation at home’ he needed to take care of but that she had to call him as soon she had news and that he was just a quick car ride away.

*

Steve rolled his eyes as he entered the house upon seeing Tony passed out, still at the kitchen table where he was sitting earlier. 

“Hey, Loki?” What Steve came home to was quite worrying. The God had was barely responsive, not even flinching when the Captain gently shook his shoulders to get a response, eyes rolling to the back of his head when slightly moved. 

“Let’s get you in bed, love.” He tried to keep his words as gentle as possible but it was difficult to hide the worry lacing them. After having carried Bucky around, Loki felt like a feather as Steve held him in his arms while making his way towards the bed where he could do a full checkup.

“Come on, stay with me.” But Loki had passed out by now, his body not being able to keep up with the exhaustion and pain, nearly going into shock.

Steve hurried to get the God as stable as possible, finally being able to get to work after not being able to provide proper care for the past few days. He gave Loki extra fluids, painkillers and supplements after re-attaching the heart monitor and the oxygen supply under the God’s nose.

*

Fifteen minutes passed by before he finally allowed himself to sit down and take a minute of rest. Loki was not doing well and they needed a solution soon.

That’s where the whole argument started. Bucky and Steve had come up with a solution that sounded quite radical but was becoming more and more a possibility. 

An induced coma. 

Just for about a week, long enough for Loki to get through some critical hours and to keep him safe. Because every time the Odinson had an incident he was literally putting his life in danger. 

With physical wounds that severe you need all the extra energy in your body to heal but that was the big problem here; Loki had no reserves. 

His starved and abused body not strong enough to heal on its own, his scarred and damaged mind not at ease enough to keep motivated and accept help. 

In his case it would be up to nurses and doctors to help him pull through but they simply could not provide the care he needed in this state. Every time Loki fell, ripped out a catheter or had a mental setback was one step closer to a disastrous outcome. 

They already had to pull him back from the dead twice, maybe they weren’t going to be as lucky a third time. But Tony got completely livid at the idea, the rest is history. 

*

JARVIS was set up to alert Steve as soon as Loki’s state changed, allowing the Captain to let himself fall asleep on the couch and get some much needed sleep. 

It was six a.m. when it rang right next to his ear and made him sit up wide awake before hurrying out of the room since the phone luckily did not wake up the god. 

“Steve, can you come pick up your boyfriend please?” Pepper sounded slightly distressed as she rambled on about Bucky becoming increasingly inpatient to go home and not listening to nurses. 

Steve had stopped listening, already putting on his jacket and making his way to the door before he ended the call with “on my way, thank you, Pepper”, ignoring Tony still sleeping at the kitchen table. 

*

“Hi, love. How you feeling?” Asked Cap as he pulled Bucky in for a hug, having to hold back tears once more upon seeing the now fully formed bruise surrounding the soldier’s cheekbone. 

“I’m fine, just wanna go home.” The car ride back was silent and awkward, neither daring to speak up about what had happened and about what was about to happen but both knowing they’d have to discuss it one moment or another. 

Once they were back at Stark’s house they agreed on working a shift together with Steve being too exhausted to do a full day shift and Bucky deserving a break after last night events. It was actually quite satisfactory. 

They managed to give Loki a quick wash, get him in clean clothes and put his arm in an arm sling to support the fractured collarbone without incidents. 

To finish up, Steve finally took a look at Loki's left eye were a scar ran across the tissue and pulled away with a sad frown. "Yeah, that's what I was afraid off. He's nearly completely blind in this eye."

*

They looked like parents watching over their sick child; seated in the room with tired but attentive looks directed towards the bed in which lay a person wrapped in clean clothes and fluffy blankets nearly masking the tubes surrounding the recovering body but not quite. 

“We need to get Thor here soon. There’s a chance he won’t be able to tell us anything but we have to try. We’re running out of options.”


	57. Heal

A loud crash on the property inelegantly announced Thor’s arrival with Steve and Bucky running to get him similar to the way you’d flag an ambulance down and guided the God of thunder along with the healer towards Loki’s room. 

Loki’s condition hadn’t gotten worse but it hadn’t gotten better either, him still being unresponsive twelve hours after Steve found him like that. They made place for the healer who was dressed in typical Asgardian attire and speaking a language no Midgardian could understand. 

The being took place next to the bed and began running his hands along Loki’s body, humming some incomprehensible things while doing so. Not long after did a soft glow transfer from his hands to the skin underneath them,

suddenly lighting up every vein and artery of the Odinson with a distant green, pulsating light. 

“What’s that?” Asked Bucky, baffled by the inexplainable things going on right under their noses.

“That’s Loki’s power flowing through him. It should be beaming with green light, not this absence of barely noticeable flickering.” The concern in Thor’s voice was enough to withhold any further questions for the answer was obvious : this was bad. 

The healer then suddenly retracted his hands and turned to the people watching him, including Tony who showed up with a clear hangover, but he more specifically turned his attention to Thor and began an explanation in the language they didn’t understand. 

“What’s he saying, Thor?”

Before the Thunderer could answer, the healer took it upon himself to translate into the little English he knew but three words were enough.  
Three words were enough to answer it all.

“He is dying.”

*

Tony and Bucky left the room, leaving Steve to act like the responsible one since the latter was the only one who was still able to think straight in this situation and to handle things like an adult. 

“Can you explain, please, Thor?” 

The God was visibly suffering due to the news he just received regarding his brother but seemed to want to be able to handle this the best he could, which was by not giving up hope. 

“Loki’s mind and body are not accepting the magic back like they should but we need our power sources to keep us alive. He has a little bit which would be enough to keep him going were he healthy but he is very weak. The power flowing through his veins is not enough.”

“Why is he not accepting the magic? What can we do to help?”

Thor hesitated for a moment, returning his gaze to the healer to ask him a something before coming up with an answer for Steve. 

“The healer says it’s because Loki’s body was deprived of magic for too long. He will need time to readjust and accept it as part of him again. But according to the healer he only has about one week left to live.”

Steve stumbled back a bit, being caught by the couch behind him where he sat down to catch his breath. “One week? … Is there nothing we can do? There must be something!”

That’s when the healer chimed in again. “Fire wyrm.” He said.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Fire wyrm” repeated Thor this time. “It’s Loki’s Spirit Animal. It’s a serpent with a great amount of power that is known to have healing powers.”

“Great! How’d we get this… serpent.”

“Sacrifice.” And that was the last word the Healer spoke that day, announcing the end of their visit and soon enough both he and Thor where on their way to wherever they came from.

No explanation, no directions, no arrangement. 

*

Tony and Bucky were anxious to know the results, all three of them putting aside their previous struggles to unite in this one and hopefully find a way out of it. 

“The healer says Loki’s got about a week left to live. But they might have a solution. Something about a serpent that has power of which some could be given to Loki.” 

A silence fell upon them, the seriousness of the situation suddenly downing on them and the risk of losing Loki after everything they’ve been through was a hard pill to swallow. The silence lingered for the rest of the day; 

Bucky and Steve either sleeping or cuddling on the couch together and Tony laying on the bed, holding a very unresponsive Loki close while softly crying to himself. There wasn’t much they could do anyway, apart from waiting and keeping everyone as healthy and comfortable as they could. 

Two days went by before Thor returned with the healer, holding a bottle of swirling, fiery red and orange liquid this time that looked like it was alive and ready to set things on fire. Not really reassuring. 

In the past few hours before Thor’s arrival Loki had fallen unconscious again and hadn’t shown any signs of awareness since. The tension was noticeably rising within that room, everyone being on edge by the uncertainty and the feeling of helplessness surrounding and consuming them. 

“Okay, what’s the plan?”

Once again, it was Steve taking charge, asking the hard questions and making the difficult decisions for he was the only one out of the three of them who was able to keep his cool through it all.

“Fire. Burn.” Answered the healer, not making a lot of sense. Apparently not even Thor knew what was about to happen, judging by the baffled look on his face as he just stood by and watched. 

“You’re not going to hurt him, are you?” Asked Tony.

“Hurts. Yes.”

“Uh, listen up you-“

But before Tony could take another step, Thor had pressed a muscular arm against his chest, firmly keeping him in place, the barrier being as much physical as it was an unspoken warning, and Stark promptly shut up, watching intently as the healer opened the bottle and let the liquid run out, 

Dripping right over Loki’s heart before rolling down the naked chest, stomach and ribs. It did nothing, beside coming in contact with the skin, drying up and disappearing. 

Or so they thought because a second later Loki’s eyes flew open, panicked and filled with tears as he started gasping for air while some sort of scar began burning over his heart. 

“Stop it! He’s in pain!” Screamed Tony who by now was crying equally as hard as the god, trashing against Thor’s arms holding him in place. 

Loki was sobbing, his lungs desperately trying to get air into them, his skin pulling over every sharp edge of bone as he squirmed to try and get away from the pain, his free arm clawing at the burn mark on his chest and his face.., his face like that of a terrified child looking death in the eye. 

“You’re going to kill him!” Thor didn’t ask Tony to shut up this time, his eyes were glued to his brother who looked like he was in an unbearable amount of pain, ready to be taken away by death any moment now. 

“No, wait.

Look.”

Tony didn’t dare look and neither did Bucky who was now hiding his face in Steve’s shoulder, no longer able to watch the horrific scene. 

“Look.” Barked Thor loud enough for the three of them to turn their full attention back to Loki.

Loki who was settling down, now only softly gasping, a single tear rolling down.

“Did it work?!” 

The healer muttered some muffled sounds before dragging his hands over Loki’s skin again like he had done a few days ago but instead of the faint green shimmer from before, there shone a bright red and glowing light amongst the green waves in the now visible veins. 

After a few seconds he removed his hands, and with it, the lights disappeared. 

“Works.”


	58. Peace

“So what now?”

After hearing Tony’s question, Thor had to talk to the healer first, finding out what the future would look like now that Loki had sufficient power running through his body again and should be getting better. 

“The Healer says it’s up to Loki to accept and use the power. If he doesn’t then there’s nothing we can do for him anymore but should he do draw strength from it again then he should be getting stronger and heal faster within the next few weeks.”

Tony was left speechless, hearing there might be nothing they can do for Loki anymore really pulled a string so it was once again Cap who had to chime in, replying with ‘well, at least it’s something’.

*

By the time night fell, both Bucky and Steve where too exhausted to do a shift and decided they needed some sleep, leaving Tony to look after Loki with Thor on guard in the room.

The healer was long gone but Thor had decided to stay the night, much to the annoyance of Tony who was tired, emotional and furious after the entire ordeal. It took everything he had to not try and fight the God of thunder right then and there.

How could Thor have let this happen ? Surely, he must have had some say in it all, no ? 

Tony had about a million questions but he lacked the strength to ask them right now. Besides, his mind was wandering to other places, like the other God in the room, whom he had begun to love so deeply.

“Dear, dear, Loki.” He sighed. All previous rules and precautions where forgotten has he climbed in the bed to be able to hold the trembling and barely conscious being in his arms once more, whispering soft promises and words of encouragement along the way. 

Loki was burning up, a violent fever taking over his body, making sweat roll down the abused skin and strands of hair sticking to his neck and forehead, which Tony carefully moved out of the way, not caring about the wetness coating his fingers and soaking his clothes. 

“Come on buddy, you’ve overcome so much, survived the impossible… please fight one last time.”

Saying all those words was useless for Loki could undoubtedly not hear him but in trying times like these, people did strange things to draw strength from, even if it meant talking to someone who could not hear you. 

Tony’s eyes eventually wandered to the God’s naked chest. A big, white scar covered part of the chest where the heart is located, fading out into multiple branches that looked like Lichtenberg scars.

Without hesitations, and without thinking, his free hand slid over the scar tissue, fingers tracing every single line until it disappeared. He only retracting his hand for a brief moment when Loki started twitching but after seeing it was due to the fever, he placed his hand back on the God’s chest and left it there, protectively pulling Loki even closer. 

Thor, meanwhile, was standing by the window, staring into the night sky at what Tony could only guess was nothing. If he wasn’t so busy worrying over Loki he would have rolled his eyes at the Thunderer a thousand times by now. 

*

Eventually, sleep must have taken over because the sun was already rising when Anthony woke up. 

Thor was gone and there was no sign of Steven or James, meaning he was alone with the God. He was relieved to see Loki sound asleep, no more trembling, twitching and moaning in pain and no longer sweating nor frowning.

And for the first time in a long while, 

Loki looked peaceful. 

"The sun will shine on you again, Loki."


	59. Fever

Tony held his breath, he didn’t dare move or speak as he watched Loki open his eyes mere inches away from his face. The last time he had crawled into bed with the God and they had both fallen asleep together had resulted in a disaster and the last thing he wanted was a repeat of that.

But this time was different. Loki seemed uncomfortable, as if he was in pain even, but not a single flicker in his eyes that suggest fear, nor angst. 

“Hey…” Whispered Tony breathlessly once he dared move again. “Are you feeling okay?” 

The euphoria of earlier was abruptly cut short when the uneasiness in the God’s eyes rapidly grew more intense and he soon was trembling and sweating again, staring at Tony in pure horror as he started clawing at his chest. 

“Loki? Loki, what’s wrong?!” But he didn’t answer, all he could do was cry and curl up, hoping the pain of the insufferable burning beneath his skin would stop soon. 

“STEVE !” Yelled Tony as he ran through the room to get some water. He had wanted to stay in the bed, wrap Loki up in his arms and just hold the man close but he had learned from his previous mistakes ; the Odinson was far from ready for that kind of physical contact and it would only make things worse.

It didn’t take long for the Captain to arrive and though he had obviously just been woken up judging by the sweatpants and thank top, he looked ready for whatever was happening, the adrenaline and indoctrinated emergency response flowing through his body. 

“What ? What’s wrong?”

“He’s in pain ! Do something !” 

Tony was once again frantic, being eaten alive by helplessness and not being able to do anything beside watch as the man he loved was suffering right in front of him. 

Meanwhile, Steve had already pinned Loki down, ignoring the scared flinching as he skillfully inserted a new IV in the trembling hand and quickly administered some painkillers and calming meds to get the situation under control. 

“Loki? Loki, please listen to me. I know you’re in pain but you have to fight through it, okay?”

Under normal circumstances, this would not be the way of dealing with patients but this was slightly different. They were dealing with a God, severe abuse, magic and otherworldly forces so they needed a slightly adapted version of standard procedures. 

Steve went against everything he had been taught in med school and grabbed Loki’s hand, gently placing it over his own chest and breathing as slowly and calmly as he could. 

“Focus on my breathing Loki, try to follow my rhythm. That’s it, just breathe. Everything will be better within a few minutes.”

Miraculously, it worked. Though Loki had just been given a high dose of painkillers and a light sedative, he was listening to Steve and focusing on his breathing nonetheless. 

“That’s it, Loki. I’ve given you something against the pain and something to calm you down. I’m going to release your hand now. Tony and I will stay by your side and make sure everything is okay.”

The God eventually calmed down after a few minutes but still had a look of fear in his eyes, not because of the men in his room but because of the pain still coursing through his veins, making his skin feel like it was on fire. 

Thor had told them those could be side effects from the magic but he hadn’t told them they would be so severe. This whole magic thing better worked because there was no way Loki would survive this on top of everything else if it didn’t. 

The tension settle just a tiny bit meaning Tony could take place in the chair next to the bed and Steve could go ahead and get to work, filling in the patient file and getting everything ready for the day. 

Cold water, washcloths, clean clothes, clean sheets, meds, wound care sets and gloves were assembled but that’s were it momentarily ended for Steve, who despite his nursing and doctor degrees was a bit at loss here. 

Loki had to be kept comfortable during the fever, he needed a wash, some clothes, clean sheets, he needed his wounds looked after, his scars tended to, he needed to get some food in his system and he needed to empty his bladder soon or it would cause some serious problems. 

Without a feeding tube and urinary catheter, it was now up to the God himself to urinate and eat, both of those being things he hadn’t done in the last three days. 

But all of the actions Steve wanted to take included elaborate communication and physical touching and that put a halt to what he could do, for Loki was not in a good place right now.

Cap could only take a step back, letting Tony comfort Loki and wait until the situation was accessible enough to take further steps. It seemed like the right thing to do.

*

Tony was in a silent mood this time, simply trying to eject calmness onto Loki by breathing slowly and running his thumb over the now warm hand lying on the soaked sheets. It was weird feeling Loki’s skin be warm for once but it was a comforting something, it felt a little less like.. death. 

In all honestly, he was emotionally drained. Never had he felt this way. Not when his parents were killed, not after the attack on New York, not even during that time prior of moving into his Malibu home. 

He was happy the Avengers had been able to live a relatively normal life in the past years. Apart from the occasional mission, it had been fairly calm which gave them all some time to recover from the endless months of fighting things bigger than themselves and it felt nice. 

*

Tony was snapped from his thoughts from Loki’s body twitching while it fought against the fever and tried to push away the new magic flowing through him in a final attempt to survive without knowing the magic was the only actual way to survive. 

Within seconds he was up on his feet. He had to do something, anything, so after he got the approval from Steve, he could get to work to try and make the God more comfortable.

Unfortunately, placing a wet washcloth on Loki’s forehead was as far as he got before the resistance against physical contact and the fear accompanying it resurfaced, making him retract his hands and eventually making his way towards the kitchen to get some food for everyone. 

He and Steve ate their in sandwich silence but Loki once again refused to touch the fruit, yoghurt, vegetables and bread Tony had brought him. It had been three days since the Odinson had had any sustenance in his body, he must be starving, but for a reason still unknown to them he didn’t even look at the food. 

“Why won’t you eat, Loki? Do you want something else?” He didn’t answer but it was obvious to Anthony that that wasn’t the problem so he offered to help Loki eat instead. 

Slowly did he pick up a piece of apple with the fork and held it close to the God’s face, explaining that it was just an apple, but who can blame him for not knowing Loki knew perfectly well what the red fruit was. 

However, Loki looked at the piece of fruit as if it was a venomous snake. Eyes panicky and face inching away from it to create as much distance between him and it. 

“What’s wrong? Don’t you trust the food?” 

And that’s when it hit Tony. That’s when all the pieces clicked. 

With a look of disbelieve on his face he slowly lowered the fork and let it clatter into the porcelain bowl, his body sinking back against the chair. 

“You have got to be kidding me.”

At that Tony stood up from the chair and ran his hands over his face as he let out a shocked huff. 

“What’s wrong, Stark?” Asked the captain who was once again looking as worried as can be but this time with a confused look on his face. “What is it?”

“You know why he won’t touch any of the food we give him? You know why?! Because they fucking poisoned and / or drugged his food over there! That’s why! No wonder he doesn’t trust shit!” 

Steve’s face was now covered in disbelieve as well, turning his attention to the God to ask that dreadful question. “Is that true, Loki? Did they put things in your food to poison or drug you?”

Hesitation. 

A nod. 

A look of shame.


	60. Chapter 60

“Bloody hell, Steve!” And with that Tony got ready to leave the room, too angry and shocked at what he just heard to properly compose himself, but he was stopped by a hand holding onto his arm and icy blue eyes begging him to stay. 

He was at loss for words and Loki looked equally shocked, quickly retracting his hand and ducking his head in fear, awaiting the punishment for touching someone above his status. 

But the punishment never came. Instead, he was met with a soft voice and a friendly hand taking hold of his own, squeezing it reassuringly. “Do you want me to stay?”

Loki didn’t dare look up, didn’t dare make eye contact, he simply nodded while keeping his eyes cast downwards submissively. 

“Okay, I’ll stay.”

The silent minutes ticked by as all three of them were too dumbfounded to actually utter a word so they confined themselves to sitting around and letting their minds wander to paths too dark to navigate through. 

That was until Cap finally got up and offered to begin his routine. 

“We could put on some clean sheets? How’s that?” It was awkward at first but it seemed to work because know they had something to do and had different things to keep their minds busy instead of the sulking and trying to fit the pieces of a still uncomplete puzzle. 

“Do you want to get out of bed for a while?” Asked Tony. 

Loki didn’t look too sure but didn’t put up too much of a protest when Stark picked him up effortlessly, as long as hands were kept far away from his privates. 

Once they were on the couch, Anthony did his best to position Loki in a way that would be the least painful for him as possible while pushing the realization that the God had lost weight again to the back of his head. 

He instead got to work to brush through the long black hair with the brush Steven had given him. The longest strands already lay over the jutted out hipbones clearly visible through the fleece blanket draped over the thin body. 

It took Tony a moment to appreciate how far they had gotten already. From Loki reacting like a beaten up street dog to him now lying against another man’s chest. If it wasn’t for the flinching, nervous flickering of the eyes and constant trembling, one could even mistake this for a normal situation. But it wasn’t of course. 

Though the Captain had long finished with changing the sheets, Tony wasn’t thinking about moving any time soon. Besides, it was good for Loki to get out of bed to get his blood flowing and stretch his muscles a bit. 

The cold washcloth on his forehead had seemed to have calmed down the feverish being a bit, he even seemed to be relaxing slightly due to the rhythmic movement of the brush still going through his hair. 

It took a good hour and a half but he eventually stopped fighting against the light sedative and fell asleep, listening to Tony’s heartbeat. 

When the sun was eventually starting to set, Stark had to get up and stretch a bit himself so Steve very carefully plucked the sleeping God from the other man’s arms and carried him to the bed like a father would do with a sleeping child. 

However, when he tried lowering Loki onto the matrass he was met with two arms subconsciously clinging on to him for dear life and a little sleepy whine followed by a body doing its best to curl up more and snuggle up to the warm body holding it again. 

“Huh.” Was all Steve could say as he pulled his arms closer to his body again and let Loki settle against his chest once more, still trying to not wake him up. Though Tony might have some problem carrying around the now roughly 120 pounds, Steve as a super soldier did not. 

So that’s what the following two hours looked like. Captain America, still in a tank top and sweatpants, carrying around a God wrapped in a fleece blanket in his arms while patiently walking up and down the hallway, softly shushing the Loki whenever the god would twitch or make pained sounds. 

Tony, who had fallen asleep himself, was woken up a few hours later by Steven whispering his name and trying to nudge him with a foot since the captain’s both hands were still carrying a full grown man.

He was met with Cap who looked like he had peed himself but it clicked quickly enough that it was, in fact, Loki who had accidentally emptied his bladder in his sleep again. They had to perform what looked like a life-size version of a game of ‘Operation’; 

Tony slowly pulling the wet blanket from between Cap and Loki to replace it with a clean one while also providing the Captain’s lap with a towel so he could sit down on the couch and place the Odinson on top of it as to not further dirty either of them, cleaning up would come later. 

It wasn’t until nightfall that the God woke up again and unsurprisingly completely freaked out when realizing he was held in a man’s arms. He trashed and cried until Steve laid him down in the bed again and even then it took a good half hour for Loki to calm down slightly. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You’re alright. It’s just us.” But not even Tony’s shushing worked. They eventually stopped trying talking some sense into the distressed being and completely abandoned their plans of getting him in some clean clothes, maybe even getting him to eat. 

As an alternative they merely stood guard and made sure nothing bad happened to Loki. 

“God, it’s frustrating. I know he can’t help it but every time I think we’re getting one step closer he freaks out again and we take two steps back instead. Fuck.”

“Give it more time, Stark. Honestly. I know it’s frustrating but I have a fair experience with traumatized patients. While you may think we aren’t getting anywhere, the patient is actually working really hard on overcoming trauma, 

Whether it be on purpose or unconsciously. It takes a long time to overcome something like that but the mind eventually bounces back quicker and quicker. He might have had a scare back there but he eased down within thirty minutes. 

Four months ago that would have taken days. We only know so much about what has happened to him back on Asgard but we already know about the physical abuse, the starving, the raping and the drugging. 

It can take a whole lot less for someone to crack so that… all of that was just meant to break someone, meant to strip every bit of trust, dignity and humanity from a person,  
And they succeeded.”


	61. Surprise visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi ! Sorry for the lack of updates but I started my first internship as a nurse and I'm currently either on the 7a.m. shift or the 8p.m. shift so I am D.E.A.D. Anyways, thank you for sticking with me and this story. Lots of love !

“Loki, I’ve brought you some food. Everything is still packaged so you can be sure no one has touched it. You can chose whatever you like, okay? Please let me know if I can help you with anything.”

That’s all Tony could say. Though it was with a smile on his face, he was beyond exhausted. Not physically but all the added emotions of the past few days and not knowing if Loki was going to pull through were hard on him, harder than he ever could have imagined.

It all started with his parents’ “accident”. Ever since he has been colder, nonchalant and is more indifferent. Over the years experiences attributing to those traits had just been building up until there was barely anything left of his original outgoing character and he had turned into the distant person he had been up until a few months ago. 

He cared for the other Avengers, he truly did, but that day he found Loki abandoned and nearly dead had changed it all for him. I guess everyone would be shocked to see a person in such horrible conditions, most would even feel sorry for that person, but it’s still completely different to take care of someone for months on end.

Surrounded by medical staff and medical equipment day an night, monitoring someone’s condition 24/7, being by their side the entire time and the worries about their health being the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing you think about before falling asleep. 

Tony was never one to stop and think, he has always been someone who dived in head first and would just deal with the consequences along the way, yet this time it’s different. This time he finds himself pondering about everything more often than not and he does his best to really think about his next step because the last thing he wants is to fuck this up. 

If there was going to be one truly meaningful success story in his life he wanted it to be this one; to save Loki. 

*

When he came back into the room fifteen minutes later he found Steve and Bucky there, discussing some medical terms of which he had no idea what they went and frankly, he didn’t want to know. Tony went ahead and filled up a glass of water for the God instead.

His heart nearly stopped when he arrived at the bedside table though because along with the elaborate choice of foods he had brought Loki, was now an empty plastic cup that had been previously filled with apple slices.

“You.. you ate! Holy fuck, oh my… wow. Thank you so much, Loki. I’m so happy you ate something. Do you like apples? I’ll make sure to go get some more.”

“He ate some apple slices!” Added Tony has he walked past Steve and Bucky on his way out, already grabbing his car keys to go get some more. He couldn’t stop smiling all the way to the supermarket and back, even driving with his roof down although the cold February air was freezing his ears off, he simply did not care because Loki eating something was the greatest gift he could have received. 

*

“Hello, Mr. Stark!” 

“What the…” The bags were dropped on the floor within seconds, making an uneasy noise when some glass bottles clanged against each other upon impact, and Tony was in the kitchen faster than he can say ‘JARVIS, how did he get in?’

“Hi, Mr. Stark ! I thought I’d just drop by because I’ve been calling you but you didn’t answer so I just came in through one of the windows and now JARVIS is nagging me but I have be-“

Tony cut off the rambling with just the raise of his finger, silencing the room immediately while he tried to decide between going into panic mode or going into angry mode since any of those seemed fitting for the situation he had not seen coming. 

“Peter… what are you doing here?”

“Like I said, Mr. Stark. I called but you didn’t answer…” The explanation was interrupted by Peter popping a piece of chocolate into his mouth as he sat down on one of the bar stools and absentmindedly stared at some very expensive liquor bottle as he eventually continued. 

“So I just came by instead.”

“Yes, you told me. But WHY are you here?” Asked he a little more annoyed than he intended.

“Oh.. well it’s been six months since I’ve heard from anyone and I’ve been wondering when there’ll be a new mission or something. Or like… just an Avenger meeting, you know? Like eating shawarma together, whatever.”

“Look, kid, it’s really not a good time right now. I’m kind of… busy with something. Go annoy Natasha or something, I’m sure she’ll love it.”

“But she’s in Russia, remember? Besides she’s always nagging me about homework like I’m some sort of kid and- Steve!”

Just like that, Peter was off. He ran towards the hallway so quickly he nearly tripped over the shopping bags Tony had dropped a few minutes ago but he was too busy hugging the Captain to even care.  
“How’ve you been? It’s been so long. Why are you here? Is Bucky here, too? He’s here isn’t he? Where is he? Is he in there?”

Steve just chuckled before telling Peter to take a deep breath and calm down. Surprisingly the two old men had became close friends with young Peter, something about bonding over where they came from, Stark wasn’t really paying attention that day but anyway, they had practically adopted the kid and it was rare for them to be apart this long.

Meanwhile, Parker had let go of Steven and was on his way further down the hallway but was stopped by a strong arm against his chest. “Don’t go there, kid. Bucky will come soon.”

“Why can’t I go there? Is he still getting dressed or something? Also, why are you wearing your hospital scrubs in Tony’s house?” 

Cap skillfully dodged some questions while subtly ignoring the rest of them as he guided a hyperactive Peter back to the kitchen where they found a dumbfounded Tony arguing with Jarvis about how it was possible that the spider kid got in without setting of the alarm system.

“I didn’t know we were expecting visitors, Tony.”

“Neither did I !”

While the two of them were arguing and wondering how Peter got in in the first place, the person in question had slipped past their attention and was on his way to the room Steve came from. Loki’s room. It wasn’t until Peter had already entered that Cap and Tony noticed his absence, resulting in them simultaneously running towards the hallway but they were too late. 

“Hi Mr. Barnes !” A pause. “Holy fuck! Is that.. Loki? Thé Loki? Bloody hell, what happened to him?!”


	62. Hi

Tony rushed into the room, followed by Bucky and Steve, but it was too late; Peter already stood there staring at Loki and for once.. speechless. 

The kid turned around, baffled look on his face as his brown eyes begged for answers. “That’s… but how? Why?”

No one answered. How do you even begin explaining all of this? 

Instead, Stark made a quiet gesture with his hand, motioning for Peter to follow him out of the room so they could talk somewhere in peace and could give a panicked Loki some space before this had the chance to evolve into an even worse situation. 

The only thing Tony was currently happy about was the fact Loki was dressed in sweatpants and an oversized hoodie. It didn’t cover all of the damage but it did a decent job at hiding the severity of the damage done to the God’s body, hopefully eliminating some painful questions from the spider kid. 

*

“So, let me get this straight. You found him… somewhere, injured, and decided to bring him into your home to let him heal? But how? Why? How come he hasn’t killed you yet? Last time I heard about the God of mischief was when he attacked New York, killing hundreds of people.”

Steve and Tony looked at each other like two parents having a difficult conversation with their child, and in a way, it was. The third member of their crew, Bucky, had stayed with Loki to try and calm him down after the hyper kid he had never met before suddenly stood in his room.

“It’s.. a long story, Peter. First of all, he didn’t exactly perform the attack himself, he was manipulated and forced to do it. Second, he uh… has been severely abused back in Asgard’s dungeons. We don’t quite know all of the details ourselves but he has basically been stripped from everything. 

The poor God doesn’t trust a single person anymore and he’s still extremely scared, so please, be careful.”

And for the second time in history, Peter Parker was speechless, now just staring at his glass of soda with a thoughtful frown pulling at his eyebrows, tongue between his lips as he tried to process all that had happened in the past hour. 

“Can I talk to him?” 

The question took both Stark and the Captain by surprise, making them snap their eyes up and exchange a heavy look once again before Tony eventually answered ‘he doesn’t talk’. 

“What do you mean ‘he doesn’t talk’? Like my friend, Rosie? She was in a car accident when she was a baby and her throat got all beaten up or something so know she can’t speak. She just uses sign language. But she’s not deaf or anything, she’s jus-“

“Peter. Peter!”

Anthony had to stop the kid’s rambling once more, his hands running over his face once it was quiet again and he finally realized how difficult and heavy it was for him to talk about all this.

“Nothing happened to his throat, Peter. We don’t know why exactly he doesn’t speak but our closest guess is that the severe trauma he went through left him mute, simply too afraid to utter a word.”

“Damn, that sounds bad. But what happened to him? Did bad guys like tie him to a pole and then punched him in the stomach or something?”

It was clear Peter didn’t understand just how severe all of this was but who could blame him? He was just a kid, only turned 19 recently, and he was still full of wonder and goodness. But even if we ignore all those facts, we still wouldn’t be able to blame him.

Why? Because most people’s minds would simply not even begin imagining such horrific things when they heard the word ‘abuse’ or even : couldn’t.

“No, Peter. What happened to Loki there was, uh, worse, way worse. It was stuff straight out of a horror movie with a lot of non-consensual 18+ stuff thrown in there, for over a year and a half.”

That seemed to do the trick, silencing Peter but not by making room for thoughts, by taking all previous thoughts away and crushing them with a harsh and unforgiving reality. 

*

“Loki, this is Peter. He’s a friend of mine. Peter is unharmful and just a sweet kid, you don’t have to be afraid of him, okay?”

But even after four months and a half Loki still didn’t take anyone’s words for truth, au contraire, he heard them as lies and betrayal leaving him to figure out for himself whether this stranger was a threat or not. 

“Peter, just.. don’t make sudden moves or loud noises. Also, don’t touch him, he’s easily startled. And if anything goes wrong or Loki starts getting anxious : back away. He’s not dangerous but we’ve put quite some effort into getting this far.”

Once again, it was obvious Peter didn't fully grasp the extent of Loki's state and trauma judging by his anything-but-calm-and-careful energy but Anthony stayed on the side line for he was just as curious as every one else to see how this would go. Besides, there were two supersoldiers in the room with them who could easily interfere if the situation got too heated. And with that, it began.

“Hi, Mister Loki. I’m Peter Parker but you can just call me Peter.”


	63. Eagle

“Drop your weapon, Stark!” 

The guy’s voice was loud and threatening, his gun pointed directly at Tony’s chest but not the slightest tremble was detectable. After all, this is what these people were trained for; to catch criminals and deal with heated situations like this one. 

“Tony, please! Don’t make this any more difficult than it already is.”

“I won’t let them fucking take him!” Screamed he at Bucky who unlike himself had decided to cooperate and who was now standing close to the wall, a guy’s gun equally pointed at his rapidly rising and falling chest.

Tony thought Steve and Bucky were cowards. Both of them were super soldiers for fuck’s sake. Though it wouldn’t be pretty, the two of them could easily take out the dozen heavily armed people standing in the room with them right now and they could all run, go somewhere safe and hide. 

But no. There they were, not moving an inch and just letting these people barge in, pushing them into submission by pointing some fancy weapons at their heads and worst of all : letting them take him.

“Don’t you fucking touch him!” Yelled Tony at the top of his lungs as two agents inched closer to the terrified God curled up in a corner. Loki flinched, tried to cover his head in a scared attempt at defense but a fist collided with the side of his face before he could even fully wrap his arm around it. 

And just like that, the yelling stopped. Tony’s voice dropped so deep he could see Bucky squirming after he very quietly but clearly whispered in a low tone ‘Oh, you’re dead. I would watch your back if I were you and don’t ever, ever, lay hands on him again.’

One of the agents previously holding Tony at gunpoint now had a window and quickly grabbed the man’s wrists, securing them with handcuffs before pushing Stark to his knees and taking a step back again, weapon going up, finger finding its way home to the trigger. 

Now all Tony could do was watch. Watch as they dragged Loki up to his feet, fingers digging into the thin arms handcuffed behind his back. Watch as Loki stumbled and fell numerous times, his legs far from strong enough to hold his body up yet.

Tony could only stare at the bones visible through the white long sleeved t-shirt the God was wearing, now soiled with drops of blood coming from his nose and lip mixed with the heartbreaking tears rolling down his terrified face.

He could only stare, cry and scream, wondering how this could have happened.

“Loki, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Don’t you be afraid now, I’ll come get you!”

It had all happened so fast and now there was nothing left but a blurry vision of Loki, his Loki, being dragged out of the room and nothing but the painful jagging of the handcuffs around his wrists as he tried to fight the six or seven agents holding him back.

The last thing he saw before being knocked unconscious was the big, white eagle on one of the men’s jackets, threatening him as it morphed into the letters written above it.

S.H.I.E.L.D.

 

~TWO MONTHS EARLIER~ 

 

Loki was clearly nervous but surprisingly not freaking out as Peter let his body drop down into one of the chairs near the bed, taking a new piece of chocolate and pushing it into his mouth before continuing. 

“So, as I said, I’m Peter. I know who you are though. I’ve heard so many stories about you.”

There was a quick pause and some stammering before Peter got himself back on track.

“But don’t worry, mister Loki! Nothing bad, except for the attack on New York of course but Tony told me that wasn’t actually you so I guess that’s good? Do you want some chocolate?”

Peter extended his arm, frowning at the little flinching movement it provoked with the God and frowning even deeper when he didn’t get a response. “Okay… anyway, I’m an Avenger now but none of the others have called me in like six months so I came by to visit. 

Didn’t know there was some super-secret mission going on here though. But I don’t care. It’s actually pretty cool. Like… you’re a God, something from myths. And besides, I haven’t seen Bucky, Steve and Tony in a while so…”

Peter got up from the chair, off to do whatever it was he wasn’t supposed to do. God, this kid was hyperactive. 

But Tony could only chuckle. He was glad Peter was respecting the rules so far and that it seemed to be going quite okay. Of course he was also glad he could see Parker again. 

They have been holed up in his house for nearly five months, keeping any contact with the outside world to a minimum. It was bound to become too much one day. 

“Peter, settle down.” Smiled Bucky as he sat down on the couch, Steve sitting down next to him with Peter eventually taking place next to Steve, lazily draping his legs over the super soldiers’ more muscular ones and pressing his back against the armrest. 

“So, what have you guys been up to?”


	64. Bead

“Peter, don’t-“ 

“Let him, Tony.”

Stark took a deep breath but stood down anyway, knowing very well he was in no state to fight Steve and besides, it wasn’t worth it, so he took a step back and watched as Peter took place next to Loki’s bed once again.

“Woah, your hair is super long! Can I play with it?” The question obviously took Loki by surprise, making his gaze search for Tony’s as he looked for an answer amidst this uncertainty. A small and encouraging nod was given to him, telling the god it was okay. 

Some hesitation later and he nodded, flinching as Peter jumped up in excitement a bit too abruptly but the spider kid was too busy to notice, already following Steve around the room to collect a brush. 

Tony huffed, arms crossed in front of his chest and a subtly, sarcastic smile at the corner of his lips as he watched with a mixture of amusement and annoyance. The kid’s upbeat behavior and the way he acted so nonchalantly around the god made Stark nervous but on the other hand he was quite taken aback by how relatively calm the situation had been until now. 

He just hoped with all his might that Loki wouldn’t have a freak out or that Peter wouldn’t get hurt. 

*

When Bucky left the room for a nap, Tony followed. He prepared some food and made sure to bring a cup of fruit for Loki as well along with some other sealed food like cookies, a bag of nuts and some crackers. It was worth a try, right?

Said foods nearly found their way to the floor when Anthony came back into the room. Peter was now sitting on the bed, right next to Loki, braiding light blue pearls into a strand of hair. There was no time wondering where the kid even got accessories from for Stark was too dumbfounded by what he saw. 

“You two okay?” Peter nodded and smiled as he slid another bead over a piece of black hair and went back to continuing the braid as if it was the most normal thing on the planet. 

“Are you okay?” Asked Stark, depositing all the food he brought for Loki on the bedside table while making sure to observe the god’s body language. “Hmm.” 

Tony couldn’t relax. Either this was a miracle or something was wrong. It had taken them months to even move around the room without the poor thing shutting down in pure fear but now he was okay with this stranger sitting next to him and touching his hair within hours of meeting him.

About half an hour later Peter had finished the braid running all the way from Loki’s scalp down to his hip, a blue pearl woven in every inch or so. “There. It looks real good on you.” Without further ado he jumped off the bed and made his way over to Tony to ask for some food. 

It was the perfect opportunity to get the kid out of the room for when Anthony and Steve needed to do the evening care routine. They’d rather not have Peter there to witness the true horror hidden underneath the oversized sweater and multitude of blankets covering Loki’s body. 

*

“Is it okay if we get you ready for the night?” The calmness was surprising but worrying as well. It was a big difference compared to the near constant nervous twitching and scared reactions portrayed by the Odinson and frankly, it was making Tony even more worried than before. 

“Steve, something’s wrong. Please do something!” But Steve had already noticed. “He either needs to eat or he needs a new feeding tube because right now his body cannot support itself on that little nutrients” said he without taking his eyes of the needle he was pushing through an injection port. 

“Loki, we’re going to have to put in a new feeding tube, like the one you had before, okay?”

Normally a statement like that along with all the medical explanations that followed would send him into a panic attack but right now Loki was as good as unresponsive, slipping further towards unconsciousness every minute. 

Steve didn’t hesitate, didn’t wait for Tony’s input into the situation nor Bucky’s, he went straight ahead to collect the needed material and get some bags with tube feeding to which he added some extra much needed nutrients and went to work. 

It wasn’t easy getting a feeding tube in with an unconscious patient for they cannot help you in anyway but ten minutes later and they were all set. The thin tube adorning the god’s sunken in face once more.  
“Come on, let’s get to it.” Sighed Steve softly, urging Tony forward so they could continue taking care of Loki. Taking off the clothes was never easy, whether it was with the flinching and struggling or without it : the result was the same. 

A bruised and battered and barely healing body came to light. Luckily, the bruise that had formed due to the newly broken collar bone looked okay compared to some of the other injuries. 

It were those damn haunting wounds and scars that didn’t seem to want to heal but rather lingered at the surface to remind the whole world of the ordeal this man had gone through. They lingered there as if to block any path to recovery and it pulled at Tony’s insides. 

“Tony? Tony? … Can you hand me that bottle, please?” He ignored Steve’s worried face and just stared at one of the gashed across Loki’s protruding ribs, blurrily following the Captain’s gloved hands moving around it. 

That was until the skin underneath Cap’s fingers suddenly lit up with a glowing yellow simmer, spreading around the area he just touched and fading out into little curls and waves. 

“What the… Is that.. ? It looks like that light that appeared after the weird magic stuff was transferred to Loki’s body. Could it be?” 

Tony slowly brought his hand to the god’s chest, spreading out his fingers until they were all flat against the cold skin but nothing happened.  
He eventually pulled away again. “It didn’t do anything.”

“Wait. Maybe if I…” Steve took the disposable plastic tweezers and gently, but hard enough to leave a red mark, pushed the end of it against Loki’s arm and there it was; a glow of yellow, nearly golden light beneath the skin, surrounding the mark and twirling there till it visibly diminished. 

“No way. That’s.. that’s amazing news.”

“What? What’s happening, Steve?”

“I’m no expert in magic but that looks like his body accepted it. Better even, that looks like it’s helping him heal.”


	65. Nine tails

*Loki’s POV*

‘No, please! Don’t…’ The silent pleas run through my head, ready to spill but my throat fails me yet again, closing up with tears and cutting off all oxygen until I become light headed. 

The hand pressing against my trachea isn’t helping either. 

“Odin should have left you there on that rock. What was he thinking bringing a disgusting Frostgiant back to Asgard? And now I’m stuck here with you.”

The man’s words hurt, they truly do, but the novelty of the insults has worn off quite a bit over time. So much even I’ve began to agree with them, welcome them as that little spark of familiarity that provides the only fixed point in time. 

The meals, or lack thereof, the abuse, the beatings, the raping, the visits, … each of those is different every single day but not the insults. The insults tag along without skipping a beat. 

‘Disgusting, filth, slut, whore, monster, Frostgiant, scum, disgrace, failure.’ By now I know I am all of those things. If they’re spoken to me that often and with such strong conviction, they must be true, right?

“Daddy ain’t here to save you this time, huh?”

The hand around my throat disappears and with it, the only thing keeping me on my feet. Not a second later does my head hit the ground and the ringing in my ears wells up once more, drowning out some of the yelling and overwhelmingly loud noises echoing in the cave until all I can hear are the footsteps approaching near my head. 

“Bitch.”

A hard object hits my face at full force. It appears to be a wooden beam judging by the impact and the dull sound it makes as it audibly breaks my jaw bone in half. I don’t even have time to raise my arms in defense before the guard strikes again.

This time on the side of my face, breaking my eye socket upon contact. My stomach turns over in pain as it attempts to push out its nonexistent content, making it all the more painful and harder on my already exhausted body. 

“Get up!” 

I can’t. 

There seems to be no time to waste today because within seconds the guard pulls me up by my arms and quickly attaches the handcuffs already cutting through my skin to one of the hoops in the ceiling designed to support my weight since my legs are failing to. 

“You know what happens to Frostgiants? They get beaten like animals, ‘cause that’s what they are.”

As soon as the first hit of the whip hits my back my stomach just drops to the floor. 

‘Not the cat ‘o nine tail, please no.’ 

It rips through skin effortlessly and I can feel the cuts lying right on top of muscle and bones due to the lack of mass my body has left after months of starvation. 

The second hit comes in much lower, right above my behind and the nine ends wrap themselves around my hip, ripping through the tissue covering my hipbone resulting in warm blood immediately running down the inside of my leg. 

My legs completely give out as a whimper rasps itself past my lips instead of the screams that should be coming out but even the little sound proved too much for the guard who know screams at me to shut up, telling me I don’t have the right to make noise right before he strikes me again.

Whether he intended to aim the whip where it landed or not; it doesn’t matter because the damage was done. Rather than landing somewhere on my back as usual, it lands partly on my shoulder and partly on the back of my neck where it came dangerously close to severing the carotid artery running there. 

It missed but instead one of the nine endings of the whip passes by the left side of my face, right over the swollen and bruised area of the previous beating and actually hitting me in the eye. And that’s when my body finally gives out, darkness snapping over me like the lights being switched off. 

*

Pain is the first memory to welcome me back in the here and now as I wake up and try to reposition myself in space and time. My eyes land on the couch were a young person is sleeping. Someone I don’t recognize but whom I seem to vaguely remember. 

When I realize the left side of my vision is black my hand shoots up to my eye instinctively and is met with the scar linked to one of many horrifying nights in that cold cave. The guard’s hand grabbing my freshly broken jaw is the last thing I remember from that particular beating but when I woke up a few hours after that it wasn’t the new fractures that caught my attention but the swollen shut eye still leaking blood into my mouth. 

A pang of panic shoots up into my heart as a flicker catches my attention in the faint morning light. Having to turn my head around to actually see anything on my left is both painful and humiliating but when I’m met with the figure standing in the room those feelings quickly fade into something else. 

The man with the metal arm smiles at me and asks me how I’m feeling. His voice sounds distance though, as if the ringing in my ears from the nightmare flashback hasn’t stopped yet so I just turn my head straight ahead again to try and easy the nausea in my stomach. 

I can feel wetness surrounding my body, making the sheets stick to my already burning skin, leaving me wondering where it all came from. Sweat? Urine? Both?  
None of the answers was any better.

There was no time to feel disgusting as the pounding in my chest, the ringing in my ears and the tremble in my limbs forced me to close my eyes again.

Sometimes I wish I had just died in that cave.


	66. Trigger

*Loki’s POV*

The man with the metal arm, or ‘Bucky’ as they call him, talks and talks as he injects something into the IV going into my arm. I don’t know what they give me but it takes away some of the pain and I crave it the moment it stops working so I just let him and watch as the kid previously sleeping on the couch gets up, mumbles 'morning' and walks out of the room without even fully opening his eyes.

“I’ll get you cleaned up, if that’s okay.” He slowly removes the covers from my body which stiffens in fear instinctively and I avert my eyes in shame. I used to be in good health, watched what I ate and made sure to get plenty of exercise but now there was nothing left of the hard work. 

There was nothing left, period.

“Is it okay if I take off your sweater? I’ll give you a blanket to cover yourself.” I don’t dare answer, let alone tell him I don’t want to get undressed because the consequences of believing I have choices or denying a request from a handler are equal to suicide.

‘Bucky’ looks at me for a moment, seemingly unfazed by my lack of answer, before unzipping the piece of clothing and sliding it down my arms while not touching my skin once and even being careful with my, what I think is broken, collarbone. 

As promised, he lays a smaller blanket over my now exposed torso before further pulling down the heavy duvet and sliding down the way too big sweatpants and wet boxer shorts over my uncooperative legs before covering those up, too.

I watch as he disposes of his gloves and pulls out a new pair from the box standing between the other necessities near the sink. “I hope the water is warm enough, otherwise you can tell me.” 

The moment the washcloth touches my chest I cramp up again, making pain shoot through my sore limbs but all he does is shushing softly as he gently but with enough tempo spreads the soap over the upper half of my body. 

It feels weird when he goes over my chest and ribs, like clothes being rubbed over a washboard. Though I loathe the pressure of the man’s hand on my skin and the trembling and flinching that involuntarily comes with it, it does slightly remind me of the luxuries back on Asgard where servants used to wash us in bathtubs the size of a pool when we were kids. 

“Hey, uh, do you want to try to wash off the soap yourself? With your good arm? It might make you feel more at ease and I can help you if needed.”

I don’t quite understand where he is going with this until it downs on me that he probably doesn’t want to touch me as much. After all, I am still that disgusting Frostgiant. 

When he holds up the washcloth now rinsed and slowly dripping with water I hesitate but again, he seems unfazed, simply waiting patiently until my arm moves to take to cloth from him.

“You’re doing great. Take your time.” He smiles and turns around, going back to the sink to do whatever it is he needs to do. Weird, the guards always stayed and watched whenever they expected me to do something.

Wiping off the soap myself is strange to say at least because I haven’t had autonomy over my own body in so long that it almost feels like a crime without even mentioning how painful it is. 

Physically, sure, but mentally, that was the real agony. Feeling with my own hand how starved my form is. How every bone sticks out from sunken in layers interrupted by scars, bruises and wounds even feelable through the plushy material of the washcloth. 

The months in the dungeon and in the cell were filled with unconsciousness, black outs and states of semi-awareness but I remember every waking moment as if they happened yesterday. I know exactly where every wound came from. At least those I received while awake. 

*

My mind snaps back to the present when the man’s voice appears right in front of me, forcing my one functioning eye to try and focus but it is clouded by tears welling up and rolling down the coldness of my clammy skin. 

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. Are you okay?” 

Why would he even care?

The man with the metal arm takes the washcloth from me and announces he’s going to dry me off before actually doing so and not much later I am wearing a fresh sweater and the arm sling is around me again, taking some weight of the dull ache in my shoulder. 

“Loki, I’ll wash your legs now, okay?” This man’s calmness and gentleness is confusing. It makes me uneasy, on edge, makes my insides scream in panic because this was not right. It only means it could get worse in a heartbeat. 

But somewhere deep down, nature fought with nurture, telling me to relax. 

I tried.

Yet as soon as his hand touched the inside of my leg, it shot up in defense, tried to block the world from my private parts accompanied by a desperate whimper coming from my throat as if to beg whoever was listening to not do it. 

The room faded until all there was left before my eyes were images of men forcefully grabbing my legs, yanking my arms around, punches landing, whips striking, objects probing. 

Please, please ! 

I could feel their fingers digging in my flesh and entering my body, pushing until the world felt like collapsing and then, 

nothing.


	67. Porcelain

*Bucky’s POV*

I am so proud of Loki and I wish I could just tell him all the time, like a father beaming over his child’s first steps, first words, first big event, but we as doctors, nurses and other medical staff need to make sure our behavior doesn’t come across as belittling so it usually just ended with small encouragements and appreciations. 

Yet here we are. 

I can’t explain it but seeing Loki get trapped in yet another anxiety attack caused by his PTSD just snapped something in me, resulting in going against everything I had been taught in medical school.

It felt like the right thing to do so I found myself carefully picking him up, making sure not to pull on any IV lines or the feeding tube, and cradling him in my arms, protectively holding him against my chest as I rocked and shushed him. 

The sobs and violent trembling just broke my heart. Every whimper uttered against my neck, mixing with the warm tears, only adding to the already gut wrenching feelings this evoked.   
“You’re safe now, love. Everything will be alright.”

I couldn’t help myself rubbing circles over the spine pushing through his sweater or laying my cheek against his head now resting on my shoulder while continuously whispering promises and reassurements. 

It takes a good ten minutes for him to finally settle down, the only proof left of the freak out being the subtle trembles rising once in a while but I keep on holding him until his body completely falls silent and his breathing evens out, indicating he has fallen asleep. 

Putting him back in the bed feels wrong but it’s necessary to continue what I started so I make quick work of wiping down his legs and private parts with a wet wipe before pulling a fresh pair of underwear over his legs, this time making sure to place a type of absorbent pad in it designed for adults with ‘accidents’. 

When he is fully clean and fully dressed again I pick him back up, settling down in the armchair. The fussing of earlier stopped soon enough and he seemed to calm down fully this time, making me smile a bit. 

*

“Good morning, sunshine.” 

Steve’s voice and gentle kiss woke me up. It didn’t take long for the feeling of something weighing down my arms had me looking down and sure enough, Loki was still sound asleep with his face now hidden in the crook of my neck. 

I sighed and looked up at Steve, a slight shrug of my shoulders to tell him Loki had an anxiety attack but that it was all good now. He understood. 

We both knew it was best to put Loki back in bed soon though so I stood up though when I lowered him and got ready to retract my arms he softly whined in his sleep and closed his hand around my hoodie. 

“Separation anxiety?” I whispered and he nodded. “Coping mechanism.” 

Steve then told me about the time the same thing happened to him. He had carried around the god, too, and when he went to lay him in bed Loki had shown the same behavior.   
“Poor thing.” 

He had been broken so badly but deep down all he seemed to want was just to be held and loved and it was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed. 

“Come on.” Said Steve eventually in that soft voice of his that I love as he came closer and extended his arms. I carefully placed Loki in his arms and finally got time to kiss my husband before heading to the kitchen and getting him some well deserved breakfast. 

*

“Oh, hi, Peter.” I chuckled as I saw him sitting at the bar, hair messily surrounding his head, eyes locked on his phone and toast being shoved in his mouth. 

“Hi!” 

He nearly choked on his food in excitement but quickly ran over to me to give me a hug and ask me about my night shift. 

“So you and Steve sleep here now, right?”

“Yeah, we intended to just stay here for a while, until Loki had sufficiently recovered, you know? But it has gone much, much slower than we could have foreseen so we just basically moved in here for the time being. Guess Loki doesn’t recover like human beings.”

“But he’ll be better soon, right?” 

The hope in Peter’s voice made me smile. “Yeah.” 

That was a lie. 

It had been five months. Five months since Tony found Loki minutes away from death and ever since our lives have been quite a mess. Dealing with magic, otherworldly beings and a patient very different from any of the ones Steve and I have dealt with over the years. 

Loki will get better, I refuse to believe otherwise but soon? No.

*

I’m glad to see the god still peacefully sleeping in Cap’s arms when I come back and it makes my heart melt to see my husband gently rocking Loki while softly singing a song to him, unaware of my presence. 

I decide to just wait in the door opening and watch for a bit, enjoying this warm moment just a little longer. 

Even when Loki starts to fuss a bit and slowly open his eyes, I stay put and let Steve do his thing yet staying near in case it goes wrong. 

Loki seems confused at first, tired eyes darting around the room until they land on me. He stops and stares for just a second before his gaze shoots up to meet Steve’s. 

“Hey, you’re alright. You just fell asleep.” 

I actually catch myself holding my breath, both scared and curious to see how Loki will react but it seems good so far. His eyes shoot around the room, uncertain of what they are looking for, before settling on Steve’s chest where they stay put and seem to focus on nothing in particular. 

Though his breathing is a bit quick and irregular and the little anxious gasps don’t go unnoticed, he doesn’t make any actual physical attempts at getting away from Steven’s grasp. No trashing, no shaking and no hands trying to push himself off.

“Everything’s okay, love. Do you want me to lay you in bed? You can stay here as well, if you like.” 

The icy blue eyes find their way over to me again so I just nod once, silently telling him it’s alright. He doesn’t respond to Steve’s question, neither making any other attempt to make clear what he wants resulting in the captain doing the same thing I would have done : sitting down in the arm chair and keeping the situation as light as possible. 

"That's it, you're okay." 

*  
Working with Loki has been a bit like holding a porcelain figure.   
Delicately strong when handled correctly but so easily shattered.


	68. Tommy

“Morning.” 

Tony seemed chipper, well-rested even, as he walked into the room. That was until he saw Loki in Steve’s arms. “Is he okay?” 

The worry in his voice was cute but unnecessary for the god was fine, simply recovering from an eventful night. Frankly, everyone was taken by surprise by Loki allowing to be carried around in another man’s arms but it was more than welcome. 

“It’s a beautiful day today.” The comment was very unlike Tony but he was right. The sun was out and it apparently even put the mechanic, who normally ignored what was going on outside, in a good mood. 

“Hey, uh, Steve? Is Loki allowed to go outside? He’s been in this room for six months.”

Both men looked up at Tony, staring at him as if he had gone mad. Cap stumbled over his words, stuttered even, before taking a steadying breath and saying ‘why not?’ 

“Would you like that, Loki?” 

His blue eyes shot up to the window, closing them to block out the bright sun rays, eventually nodding shyly with what seemed like a small smile tugging at his lips. 

*

Within a heartbeat Anthony was shooting around the room like a mother hen to get everything ready, packing enough stuff to provide a whole family going on a weekend trip and it was the sweetest thing ever to Steve. Loki, too, thought it was sweet but those thoughts were reserved for him and him alone, for now. 

When Loki was finally placed in the wheelchair it all looked a bit ridiculous. He was sat on two pillows, wrapped in a blanket, sunglasses on and an IV stand ready to carry around the IV’s and the tube feeding but Tony was content. 

“Alright, let’s.. let’s go.” Steve chuckled and carefully brought Loki to the garden. 

It was one of the best feelings any of them had experienced in the past months. They had been holed up in the house, no time or no energy to go outside yet here they were; relaxing under the morning sun surrounded by bottles of water, snacks and some medical material Tony insisted on bringing just in case. 

Loki seemed okay, calm even while looking out over the immense garden, Steve and Bucky’s house visible in the distance. 

*

“Hey, shoo.” 

“I thought you liked cats!” 

Tony looked from the cat to Steve and then back to the animal. “I do ! But I don’t want it hurting Loki or getting him sick or anything.” 

“It’s alright, Stark. Look.” He smiled and nodded towards the god who by now was too busy staring at the cat to even notice the other men arguing 

“I didn’t even know there were cats on the property. He must have gotten lost or maybe he’s a stray.”

The tabby cat trotted straight towards Loki, rubbing it’s little head against the blanket covering the thin legs underneath and purring away without a care in the world. 

“Seems like he likes you.” 

Loki froze, his head turning towards Tony, carrying a questioning and confused frown as if it was the strangest thing that a living creature could actually.. like him. 

Anthony’s encouraging smile made him face the creature again and this time, Loki extended his arm, watching in awe as the cat pushed its soft ears against his trembling hand, no trace of doubt or hate whatsoever. 

“Do they have cats on Asgard?” A quick shake of the head answered Steve’s question and with that, quiet fell upon them. The three of them stayed out in the garden for nearly an hour before Cap suggested they go back inside as Loki, who now had the cat in his lap, was visibly getting exhausted. 

*

“Hey, hey, you don’t live here. You can’t come inside.” 

“Ah, come on, Stark. Let the cat come in. He’s clearly set on following Loki.” 

“Fine, but I’ll take it to the vet later to have it checked out.” 

*

Half an hour later and Tony was out the door carrying a cardboard box with the cat who randomly appeared on his property. It was no sight but hey, you have to improvise when you don’t actually have any animal supplies at home, right?

Upon returning home, his apologetic look was enough to tell Steve there was something wrong.

“The cat has a chip and the vet was able to track down the owner. Turns out he was from this elderly man who passed away not long ago. The guy’s daughter will come by later to pick Tommy up, that’s his name by the way.”

Steve smiled gently at his conflicted friend. “You did the right thing, Tony.”


	69. Panda

Tony felt like a little child, having sneaked out of the house in his usual outfit designed to keep paparazzi at bay. He was used to having to be sneaky but this was different, this was caused by trying to keep something a surprise. 

“Hello, welcome to ‘Hope and Paws’ animal shelter. You must be mister Stark.” The girl smiles brightly as she shakes his hand, not wasting any time as she starts walking towards the closed doors, inviting Tony to follow her. 

He deliberately chose a shelter where you need an appointment to take a look at the animals so he could have all the peace and quiet, no fans or paparazzi in sight to monitor his every move. 

“So, what are you looking for?” The girl’s enthusiasm made him giggle, only adding to the bubbly and happy feeling in his stomach as he answered all the questions she had for him and listening to all the info she gave while walking past numerous neatly equipped rooms housing a few cats at a time. 

Tony had stopped to coo at some cute kitten staring up at him from behind the glass when his eyes fell on a big ball of fur in the next chamber. “What about that little fella?” 

“Oh, it’s actually quite sad. He was hit by a car but despite his marvelous recovery no one seems to want him. We call him Little Pirate because the accident left him blind in one eye. He’s a total sweetheart and perfect fine beside the eye yet he’s been here for over three years.” 

“He’s perfect.” 

And so with the papers signed, the fee paid and a bunch of money spent in the pet store, Tony and ‘Little Pirate’ where on their way home to hopefully console Loki who seemed pretty sad when that lady came to pick up Tommy. 

*

“Oh, hi Tony. I was looking for you. Loki-“ 

“What? Is something wrong?” 

Steve instantly chuckled. “No! Nothing’s wrong. Just wanted to tell you he took a short nap and even let me apply some ointment to some of his scars.” 

Stark let out a sigh of relief, he would never be able to forgive himself were anything to happen to Loki while he was away but since everything was okay he went ahead and unpacked all the things, placing the food and water bowls, the toys, the cushions and all the other cat necessities around the house until he was satisfied with the way it looked. 

“I am guessing you went ahead and got Loki a cat?” 

“Yep.” 

Both of them laughed at how silly it sounded but it was a good thing, Loki’s room, hell the whole house, could use some cheering up after the months of strict, serene and hospital-y state it had been in.

*

Loki was calmly observing the projections on the ceiling created by Jarvis’ system when Lil’ Pirate decided to come and explore the room, officially announcing himself by loudly meowing as he if had lived here for years. 

“Ah look who it is.” Tony picked up the easygoing feline and placed him on Loki’s bed. “I got you a cat since you seemed to like them and since we couldn’t keep Tommy.” 

It was all a bit overwhelming for the God, having someone do something so kind and thoughtful for him was hard to wrap his head around. After all, the months and months of abuse eventually led him to believe he was nothing, not worthy of a single thing, let alone be given presents. 

“Do you like him?” Loki didn’t answer, just kept his eyes fixed on the cat walking over his legs and exploring the bed until he brought his hand up to feel the scar next to his left eye. 

That’s when Tony understood the god had noticed. “Yeah, he’s blind on one side, just like you.” It made Loki smile and right then and there, Stark’s heart melted. 

“They called him Little Pirate back at the shelter but I’m guessing they don’t have pirates on Asgard either and he deserves a decent name anyway. What do you want to call him? It’s your choice.” 

Once again, that was a strange thing to hear for him ; ‘your choice’. A think people take for granted but here he suddenly was, given the freedom to make a choice himself. It felt weird, out of place. 

He let skinny and slightly trembling fingers glide over the shiny, medium long black hair, tracing the spots of white on the animal’s legs, face and belly from time to time in a state of utter bliss and amazement while lovingly looking into the one green eye and the other fully milky white blind eye.

Tony actually twitched when hearing Loki’s soft gasp because he had nearly been in trance watching the latter be at total peace interacting with an other living being and the noise slightly startled him. 

He wondered if something was wrong upon seeing the god search for something in the bed until a stuffed animal was pulled from under one of the many pillows. Loki held it up and clearly wanted to say something but the words didn’t come out. 

The god was tensing up a bit, conflicted between invisible boundaries still waging in his head, trying to deprive him from his freedom yet not strong enough to keep him from turning his body slightly towards the man patiently waiting by his side. 

Tony noticed the submissiveness in Loki’s cast down blue eyes, tugging at his heart because it did not come forward from born behavior but from endless torture (literally) beating him into submission. He was determined to work on it in the future but for now a kind confirmation was all Loki needed.

“It’s okay, you can look at me.”

And so he did, flashing bright eyes straight ahead as they silently asked a question regarding the stuffed animal laying in his hands. 

“Panda? Is that it?” 

A weight dropped off the bony shoulders, happy to be understood and he nodded once before pointing at the cat now laying next to him, making cookies in the blanket with its little paws. 

“Oh ! You want to name him Panda? He does kind of look like one.” Anthony chuckled softly as he sat down in one of the chairs. 

“Panda it is.”


	70. Let go

The days were slow, painfully slow even. Bucky was gradually transferring to day shift again since Loki needed less and less intensive care during the night. Peter decided to spend his Easter holiday in Malibu with them, the full two weeks. 

Steve handled taxes and administrative files when he wasn’t working as Tony’s nurse and Tony himself denied every appointment request to be able to spend as much time with Loki as he could.

The days were slow, painfully slow even. You’d think that’d be a good thing. After the years of battles and missions and after the more recent months of fighting for someone’s life day and night. 

After the heart breaks and the heart that stopped. After the beatings and the heart that started beating again. The codes, the machines, the inhuman aspects and the inhuman practices. 

The days were slow, but that’s the problem.

Loki seemed stable, sticking to that one side of survival chances, but he wasn’t improving. 

*

~Tony’s POV~

It’s the running of men through the hallway that awakens me from a restless sleep and a vague dream about fire and tears but the moment I open my eyes and realize where I am, I’m wide awake, adrenaline making my heart beat painfully against the scar where the arc reactor once sat. 

I can clearly distinguish Steve’s worried frown in the room dimly lit by the passage from moon to sun, a slight tremble in his limbs visible from beneath his hoodie and sweatpants. The attire immediately suggests Bucky dragged Steve out of bed, leaving him no time to change into proper scrubs. 

James wouldn’t go and get his partner if it wasn’t required so my senses are instantly dialed to eleven, head already snapping towards the bed, same direction as where the two other men are headed.

Loki is hyperventilating, chest struggling to expand as his skin seems plastered to the visible ribcage, wounds straining against the fighting skin, droplets of blood trickling down the greyish tone before mixing with beads of sweat on their way. 

I panic, anxious voice calling out to Steve and James, asking them what’s going on but the question remains either unheard or unanswered because I’m left with a mixture of shallow breaths, pained sounds and a rapidly beeping heart monitor ringing in my ears instead of the answer I was waiting for. 

A simple “everything is okay, Loki is totally fine” would sound nice right about now but nothing was okay. Even the two super soldiers, both with a nursing and a doctor’s degree and therefore trained to perform under extreme pressure, did not seem confident. 

Steve is trying his hardest to remain calm but I can clearly see his fingers trembling as he fumbles with the IV to get the drip with relaxants and painkillers to run through more quickly in hopes of getting them sooner and in greater doses into the god’s veins. 

Meanwhile, James attempts to place the oxygen catheter back under Loki’s nose but that’s easier said than done for Loki erratically flinches away from any movement made near his body, forcing Bucky to quickly add some tape over the catheter once it’s in place to keep it there and avoiding having to start over.

Bucky keeps gently talking to the panicked man below him while he exchanges quick glances and questions with Steve who is still going over all the vitals and possible occurring problems with their solutions. 

All I can do is watch. Watch as Loki’s wide blown eyes lifelessly fixate themselves on the ceiling, tears glistening in the fading moonlight directly beneath his wet eyelashes, accentuating the icy color of his irises. 

“What’s going on?!” I yell at no one in particular, only this time hoping to get an actual answer. Steve’s head snaps up and he seems to suddenly remember I am in the room with them, resulting in him saying something about a severe panic attack and a flashback but it’s hard to understand. 

Loki’s skin is a sickly white-grey color, soft blue lips strongly contrasting with the nothingness left of the once rosy cheeks, now drained of all life as oxygen battles its way through stuttering lungs.

I’m terrified, mortified, and I feel so helpless. The whole ordeal already seems to be going on for dozens of minutes but I now it only has been five at most yet it on the other hand it seems as if Loki only has five minutes left in him before his heart fails again. 

At that thought my legs promptly give out, forcing me to hold on to the wall for dear life as I push down my own rising panic attack. 

On the night I found Loki his heart stopped three times. If it wasn’t for the arc reactor powered medical tech I had built for this facility, he wouldn’t be with us anymore. But we have to be realistic, even with high tech machines at our disposal, getting someone’s heart started that quickly again and not once but three times was also just luck. 

There was no way Loki would survive it if his heart stopped again. 

I angrily wipe the tears from my eyes as I push my selfish panic aside. Loki needed me and even if I couldn’t help Steve or Bucky in any way, I sure as hell wasn’t going to give them another patient which would take their attention away from whom needed it the most. 

Loki’s emancipated body was fighting so, so hard to overcome this attack. This attack which would physically mean almost nothing to a healthy person but which could easily escalate into this struggling man’s last breath for he had no leverage, not a single thing left inside him to fight this. 

He has no energy left in his starved body , no cell left available for an extra battle on top the already countless ones he’s fighting, no reason to keep going.   
But please, ‘please keep fighting’ I silently beg him.

It’s not the sight of his deadly thin body that awakens the pain this time, not even the countless reopened wounds now slowly smearing blood over the bones cutting through feeble skin, but the soft whimpers brought forward by pure torture. 

He moans, gasps and chokes in agony because no place of his body had been left untouched and with every tremble running over his limbs, there’s burning. 

A burning in his skin where it has been torn apart by whips, fire spreading through every broken bone barely held together by the damaged layers around them, flames licking at his most sensitive and once private areas abused by countless harassments and rough handling. 

In his head, nothing but ashes. 

After nearly ten minutes since the beginning of the ordeal, Loki’s breathing begins slowing down a bit, along with the beeping announcing his descending heartrate. The extra meds and oxygen must finally be helping a bit because his chest starts rising and falling a bit more evenly now, allowing the lungs within to fill themselves up with oh, so desperately needed air. 

I watch as his eyes fall shut and for a moment I wonder if he is letting go. I can’t help the tears from falling caused by me silently but excruciatingly thinking ‘it’s okay if you want to go’. 

My lungs are kept empty for the following endless seconds, refusing to fill themselves until Loki does so, too. They nearly burst with survival driven desire when the god draws in the tiniest little breath, quickly followed by my own trembling inhale and my legs giving in for real now. 

I let myself slump in the chair all while my eyes keep staring at the slowly but steadily moving chest, unable to remove themselves from the sight in fear of the breathing stopping were they to not watch it closely anymore. 

He did it, he chose to stay. 

Steve lets out a shaky breath before placing his trembling fingers on Loki’s body as softly and gently as he possibly can, carefully rolling the Odinson on his side into a safe and more stable position. 

Though Loki wasn’t unconscious, he wasn’t really in a state you could call conscious either. He looked comfortable though, peaceful even as he lay there in the bed that seemed to swallow him; wet eyelashes slowly blinking against the pillow, weighted blanket now covering his still trembling muscles and a mixture of top quality meds warmly flowing through his veins on their way to ease his suffering.

“That’s it, love.”

James’ soft voice cracks. Even in its whisper it’s still audible and I don’t even have to lift my head to know he’s crying. He and Steve eventually sit down on the couch, seeking comfort within each other’s arms as the smaller male let’s his tears run dry. 

*

When Tony snaps out of the memory, his own tears are shamelessly dribbling down his cheeks. He quickly removes himself from Loki’s room before the latter could pick up on the distressed emotions in the air and he makes his way to the kitchen to get a much needed cup of coffee. 

It still shocked Tony, thinking about that memory from six months ago, how little Loki’s chances of survival where but here they are. It also made him grateful for the progress they had made, immediately making him forget about the earlier thoughts about the days being slow. 

Loki had been able to get through the six toughest months of recovery ever imaginable. If he was able to survive that, he was sure to survive anything left ahead.   
The days were slow, painfully slow even, and Tony was grateful for them. 

*

It was with a small voice that he made the following request, showing his vulnerable side in a moment of bonding memories and tender feelings. 

“Hey, uh, Steve? Remember that one night, not long after Loki got here. He had that bad episode and when he settled down we, uh, … we all thought he’d.. he’d let go? 

You sang him a song that night…”


	71. Until the hurting is gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to listen to the two songs mentioned in this chapter <3

“I remember.” Steve answers equally as soft. “It’s called ‘Until the hurting is gone’ by ‘Billy Raffoul’.”

A few minutes later and everyone is gathered in Loki’s room. Bucky, Steve and Peter all on the couch in their usual position ; Peter sideways with his back against the armrest and his legs draped over the two soldiers’ though this time Steve his also holding his guitar, fingers absentmindedly gliding atop the smooth wood. 

Tony is sitting in a chair close to Loki, turned in such a way he can see everyone in the room. The god himself is sitting up in the bed, legs propped up and drawn close to his chest as he attentively but slightly nervously looks around, unsure of why there’s so many people present. 

“It’s this thing we do with the Avengers from time to time; sit with one another, talk and sing songs. It helps us relax, perhaps it can work here as well. There’s actually a song Steve wanted to sing for you. He sang it to you a few months ago, maybe you’ll remember.” 

There was a strange mood in the room. Not negative in the slightest bit, just strange. It felt secretive and magical almost for this was usually a very private thing they did amongst the Avengers in their most emotional moments, not even Coulson was allowed in the ‘circle’. 

It’s different from just sitting in something that resembled a circle, singing songs and chatting about the weekend, sure they did that too but there were definitely moments when there was need for some serenity. 

It was usually reserved for when someone had lost a loved one, for when someone struggled with a particularly traumatizing experience or for when something was too painful for spoken words. 

The mood in the room was so tranquil, even Peter had grown silent, his brown eyes calmly resting on the fairy lights surrounding them as he relaxed against the soft cushions.

*

“You hate to be vulnerable,  
Yeah, you’ve been hurt and it shows.  
I’ve never known one like you before,  
So much love it overflows. 

I feel your warmth giving up,  
Saying ‘please, don’t let me down’.

I won’t turn ‘round,  
I won’t head for the door.  
Boy, I’m yours,  
For better or worse. 

Darling, know that you’re never alone,  
I will lay here with you until the hurting is gone,  
I will lay here with you until the hurting is gone. 

You hate to be powerless,  
But somethings you cannot fix,  
Somethings you cannot control,  
But you can chose to let them go.

I feel your warmth giving up,  
Saying ‘please don’t let me down’. 

I won’t turn ‘round,  
I won’t head for the door,  
Boy, I’m yours,  
For better or worse.

Darling, know that you’re never alone,  
I will lay here with you until the hurting is gone,  
I will lay here with you until the hurting is gone. 

I won’t turn ‘round,  
I won’t head for the door,  
Boy, I’m yours,  
For better or worse. 

Darling, know that you’re never alone,  
I will lay here with you until the hurting is gone,  
I will lay here with you until the hurting is gone.

* 

It spared no tears, even Loki was wiping some from his eyes as Steve sang those loving words. He seemed to remember and it clearly awakened some memories from that one day yet he was calm. Emotional and crying? Yes. But calm and at ease enough to breathe through it? Also, yes. 

“Are you okay, Loki?” He took in a shaky breath, keeping his eyes down in shame but he nodded, he was fine. Though Tony wanted nothing more than to take the man into his arms, it wasn’t up to him to approach Loki in this fragile moment. 

A loving and gentle smile was enough for now as Steve struck the chords to a new song. 

“This one is called ‘Fallen’ by Gert Taberner : 

Tell me things you’ve never said out loud,  
Just try and go there if you can.  
Show me the parts of you you're not that proud of,  
I want to know I'm just a man.

I'll have you know that I have good and bad days,  
Come on, now, love, don't be naïve.  
Lay out our cards and you'll see all my mistakes,  
Well, I don't mind while you're with me.

When have I fallen?  
Am I crawling on my knees?  
Here I'm calling,  
In the hope that you'll see me.

This voice inside of me has lost its breath,  
It's far too tired to sing at ease.  
All of the things I never said out loud,  
They will remain inside of me.

Yeah and I've fallen.  
Yes, I'm crawling on my knees.  
Yeah and I'm calling,  
Out in search of who we'll be.

Tell me things you've never said out loud  
‘Cause I want to know I'm just a man. “

*  
The five of them stayed in that room all night until every unspoken word had been sang, until every tear had been cried, until every heartbeat was heavy with emotion.


	72. Blue beads

The only visible reminder of Peter’s stay at the Malibu house was the braid with blue beads still beautifully woven into Loki’s long hair. Not having the kid with them was honestly more relaxing but it left a tangible emptiness among them, an empty spot where the laughter and silliness had been. 

But Peter had to return to Queens eventually, back to college. 

*

“Hey, guys.” 

Tony turned his head back and smiled at Steve, eyes squinting against the setting sun before eventually looking out over the sea again. Not without stealing some subtle glances at Loki sitting beside him though. 

He couldn’t help but notice how fragile the god looked. Loki still had an oxygen tube under his nose and a feeding tube providing him with the necessary nutrients. It pained Tony, but even through the layers of baggy clothes and blankets was the emaciated body still noticeable. 

Though most reminders of the torture were hidden by the clothing, some were visible to the world like the obvious one wrapped around Loki’s neck where the dirty collar had once been. And then of course there’s the scar that caused blindness on one side, creating a thin line all the way from his ear till the damaged eye. 

There were some smaller scars, too. Like the one on his cheek and below his lip, revealing part of the horror that occurred six months ago. Even though Loki obviously cannot tell them it is obvious he is self-conscious about them and would rather not they be touched or stared at. 

Touch had been such a big issue. Tony would do anything in the world to just hold Loki, to hug him, kiss his scars and tell him he’s beautiful but there was no use in even thinking about it.

Most of the time Loki refused to be touched. He didn’t tell them and even if he could Tony was sure Loki wouldn’t dare explicitly say so but the trembling and twitching that occurred anytime they came near him where enough to tell them touching was not in the picture. 

There was a slight advantage now however; all of the bruises were gone and most of the wounds had closed, healed even so there was no further need of wound care. On top of that, Loki was regaining some autonomy. He was now capable of washing his upper body and though it doesn’t sound like much, it was a huge step in the right direction.

Him using the little urinal was a big relief as well. It meant there were no more accidents and no more them having to come anywhere near his private parts except for a quick wash every morning. 

The biggest hurdle has been trust. Loki was just so scared of everything and everyone that it made it extremely difficult at times to provide him with the care he needs and deserves. There is no way of avoiding stressful situations and afterwards there is no way of providing him with comfort.

*

Tony had to drag his eyes away from the god resting in the sun and do his utter best to try and keep up with Steve’s flow of words about war stories, technology and someone named Agent something. 

“ -but in the end I did it anyway.” It’s Steve’s laughter that eventually snaps Tony out of the turmoil in his head, forcing him to chuckle softly so it isn’t as obvious he wasn’t listening to a word being said to him. 

“Hey, uh, Rogers. I’m gonna go out and grab some food. Anything you’d like?”

Steve thought for a second. “How about that Israeli joint two blocks from here?” 

Tony was actually surprised upon hearing that request. Not because it was an odd one, quite the contrary, because it was one he agreed with which didn’t happen very often. 

“Very well then. I’ll be back in like fifteen minutes. You two okay here? Call me if anything’s wrong. JARVIS? Make them call me if anything is wrong.” 

The Captain smiled at Stark’s command to JARVIS, knowing very well it was a little joke. “We’ll be fine! Go, you old man, before we all starve.”

“Who you calling old, capsicle?”


	73. Laila Tov

Half an hour later and all four of them are seated at the big dinner table in the central piece of the house, an array of Israeli food stalled out in front of them. There’s fresh hummus, Tahini, pitas, Israeli salads, grilled eggplant and falafels. 

They’re all starving, already digging into the big portions they put on their plates but Loki just sits and stares at the small collection Tony had put in front of him. There were two falafel balls, half a pita, some salad and a spoonful of hummus. It’s a child’s portion but it’s a start. 

“It’s okay, Loki. You can eat. It’s all fresh and shouldn’t be too hard on your stomach.” Though the god still had a feeding tube down his nose, it would be nice for him to start eating on his own again, to maybe even gain some weight and regain some strength because right now he was still almost the exact same weight as when he first arrived on earth which was on the brink of fatal. 

By the time the three men had finished, the fourth plate was still left untouched, a bitter reminder of the lack of trust Loki still had in them and it hurt. Steve and Bucky eventually left, off to catch up on some lost quality time together while Anthony remained seated with the prince. 

“Hey, Loki?” Began he in a soft voice. “I know it’s hard. I know ‘cause I’ve been there. What I went through comes nowhere near what you have endured but it does grant me the opportunity to know what it’s like to be tortured, to be ripped away from your family and friends and to be nearly killed by men with evil intentions. 

After I escaped that cave in Afghanistan it took me a while to trust people again, especially considering one of the people I trusted betrayed me upon coming home. Yeah, Obadiah nearly killed me that night which certainly didn’t help in regaining some trust in my entourage. 

When I returned, I kept up a fake appearance, I pretended I was fine, that it was nothing. And for a while it worked, I even believed it myself. That was until the façade finally crumbled and I broke down.”

Tony had to pause there for a second. He didn’t know whether saying all this would help Loki, he didn’t even know if Loki was even listening but it was good to get it off his chest, to finally being able to talk about it without having an anxiety attack or severe flashbacks. 

With a tired and pained groan he let his hands run over his face, keeping his head bowed and eyes fixed on the dark wooden table before him as he continued in a voice barely above a whisper. 

“But the truth is, experiences like that leave a enormous impact on a person’s life and they are not to be taken lightly. I can’t begin to imagine what you had to endure and what you still have to face every day, I simply can’t. 

But I know it mustn’t be easy, that you’re hurting. 

I just hope you know we are here to help you. I will do everything in my might to make sure no one ever hurts you again, to make sure no one ever lays his hands on you because if they do I can assure you they will wish they were dead. 

You can take all the time in the world to heal. We respect your recovery and please, just know we only want what’s best for you. 

So won’t you just eat something, love? Or at least tell me why you won’t eat. I want nothing more in the world than to see you survive this, than to see you overcome the evil that has been done.” 

They grew silent after that. Tony simply getting up and fetching his iPad before gently placing it in front of Loki. “Here.” He smiled as he turned the device on, knowing Loki knew what he was asking. 

The blue eyes hesitated for a moment, staring at the trembling fingers that lay before them, building up the courage to move. After what felt like minutes, a word had been drawn on the once blank page but when Tony looked over to see what it was he couldn’t read it. 

Apparently Loki understood English but could not write it because what was written before him was in old Norse judging by the ruins. JARVIS decrypted it like Stark had asked. 

“I have translated the word. It means ‘poison’ , sir.”

Upon hearing the AI’s answer Tony let out a pained sigh, nodding gently. “I know. I know, love.” Said he with his gaze finally daring to look up at the god. “God dammit.”

Stark had to take a few deep breaths before he could continue, anger boiling up over those bastards too great to think straight. 

“They drugged and poisoned you, so I don’t blame you for not wanting to eat. I know my words and promises aren’t of great value to you right now but I promise you, with all my heart, we would never, ever, do such a thing to you.”

After that he cleaned up the table as he kept a close eye on the god dozing off in the wheelchair, covered in soft fleece blankets. There was no need in pushing Loki to eat, Stark knew that all too well. Damage sustained after a traumatic experience was a slightly bigger hurdle than an average, day-to-day, mild inconvenient debate and it could not be fixed by applying pressure.

The only thing he could offer was a loving, rhetorical hand on Loki’s back letting him know that ‘I am here by your side and I will never leave it again’. 

By the time he had finished wiping off the dark shiny wood, Loki had drifted off. Stark took the opportunity to lift the god out of the wheelchair and calmly carry him back to the bedroom where he could get his much needed rest. 

Tony himself took place on the couch, right there by Loki’s side.


	74. Chapter 74

“Hi, thanks for seeing me on such short notice but I’m desperate and didn’t know what else to do.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Said Darcy in her usual chipper way as she happily waddled towards the kitchen. “You know you can always come by, no matter what.” 

Tony thanked her again and congratulated her on her pregnancy once more. 

“Yeah, two more months until the baby comes. I think Ian is more nervous than I am. He’s out now buying a crib so he’ll probably be gone for hours.” She chuckled to herself and pushed a glass of scotch in Tony’s hands. “Here, you look like you could use it. So, what is it you wanted to talk about?”

“It’s about Loki. He has such a hard time trusting us. I don’t blame him though, I mean you would stop trusting others for far less a reason but I can’t help but feel as if we could be doing more. Perhaps we’re even handling it all wrong because it has been six months yet his weariness of us has barely changed. 

If he were a healthy being I wouldn’t mind as much, you know? After all he’s a god. He’s from a different planet and he has no reason or obligation to stay with us. 

If once he’s healthy enough he decides to leave and go back to wherever it he wants to go, then that’s okay. It would break my heart for sure but he’s an adult and he can make his own decisions but right now we don’t really have a choice. 

Though his condition is stable now, it is an everyday battle to keep it that way and he is still on the brink of slipping into a fatal one again. He isn’t even allowed on earth so if we can’t help him, no one else can. That’s why I’m so desperate to find a solution.” 

Darcy was quiet throughout Tony’s explanation but you could see her mind working over the problems; a frown between her eyebrows and her lips absentmindedly resting against the brim of her cup of tea as she intently listened to her friend in need. 

“Let us just make a list of the most pressing matters to keep things organized and that way we can start looking for possible solutions.” Darcy said, grabbing a notebook and pen from the coffee table.   
Upon hearing that, Anthony nodded thoughtfully. A quick sip of liquid later and he began. 

“I think the biggest wall between him and us is trust. That’s where most problems stem from. I don’t expect him to trust us with his life but it would help tremendously if he at least believed us when we say we’re there to help him, that we won’t hurt us and that it will be okay.

He should be pampered, you know? He should receive a nice wash every day, he deserves to eat good food adapted to his needs, he deserves a full body massage with ointment to soothe his scars, wounds, aches and sore muscles, he deserves everything and anything he desires but we simply cannot give him that. 

Whenever someone comes near him he already clenches up and the moment we actually touch him he completely shuts down and slips right into anxiety attacks. We can only wash him when we do it very briefly and when he’s either sleeping or too exhausted to resist. 

Though I must say there was one instance in wish he found comfort in Steve’s arms after a particularly rough night and actually fell asleep while being held but that was just that once. 

He is still so scared of us, Darcy. One wrong movement or a word uttered too loudly and just crumbles. Loki still won’t talk to us, he rarely even responds to questions and another big obstacle is food. 

We found out they drugged and or poisoned his food back on Asgard so now he refuses to eat anything except for the occasional pre-packaged fruit but it’s not enough. He’s being tube fed, still, but his healing body needs so much more sustenance to recover.”

Tony hadn’t realized at first but he was crying. The tears flowing as easily as his words and he just couldn’t stop, nearly sobbing as he talked and talked about the hardship of taking care of someone he loves so dearly and seeing them suffer so greatly. 

“I don’t know what to do, Darcy. I don’t know what to- , I don’t want to lose him. If he dies.. that’s on me, it’ll be my fault because I could have done more to save him.” 

In the meantime, Darcy had come over to him, sitting down beside the crying man and pulling him close to her to let him cry on her shoulder. She obviously wouldn’t do this with a client but Tony was more than that, he was a friend. A friend who had helped her overcome some of the darkest moments of her life and who pulled her out of a difficult situation. 

Offering him someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on was the least she can do. 

“I might have an idea. It may sound a bit bizarre but it is seen as a sort of final method to try and form a bond. It is believed that if it doesn’t work, you must let go.”


	75. Rose lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is partly based on a scene from a movie called 'To the bone' which in turn is based on real events. The method described here is real and was recommended by a Sikh to the person the movie is based on. 
> 
> This is sweet and emotional. Enjoy !

“Hey, Lokes? I’ve been thinking a bit and I’d like to propose something. It might sound weird but please just hear me out. I understand not wanting to touch food we give you, especially if you weren’t able to see it being prepared. 

I also understand it can be a big hurdle so I wanted to ask you.. would it be okay if I feed you?” 

Those words finally made Loki react. It was just a slight raise of the eyebrows but most of the time he was too closed off to react to anything so any sign of respons was a tiny victory. 

“I know, it sounds weird. It was actually a friend of mine who introduced me to the method which in turn had been taught to her by a Sikh, a kind of healer. The idea is to hold and feed someone like a mother would do to her child. 

It’s meant to create a bond and it’s a method that could help when primary instincts have been damaged like trust or the need to feed oneself. I understand if you don’t want to or if you want to think about it first but I’ll just ask it right now, too. 

Would you let me?” 

The suspense in the air was nearly too much for Tony and he began regretting he ever asked. Blaming himself for proposing something like that, knowing how weird it might sound to the god and expecting him to decline but when he looked up at Loki he was met with remarkably soft eyes. 

The eyes showed doubt, sure, but there wasn’t a single trace of disgust, judgement or resentment, causing Stark to actually shiver as he took in a deep breath. 

“Okay. Yeah, .. okay.” He stood up from the couch and walked over to the fridge, making sure Loki could see what he was doing from where he sat in his wheelchair. “Oh, uh, the method is based on primary bonds so the idea is to prepare a bottle of warm milk for the other and give it like you’d do with a small infant. Is that still okay?” 

Loki was unresponsive but calm and Stark understood. They still don’t know exactly what happened to the Odinson while in captivity or to what extend but based on the information they had gathered over the past months it wasn’t pretty. 

The god got nervous when spoken to, most attempts at communication failed, head was always bowed in submission and questions were left unanswered. If his own kidnapping was something to go on, Tony could only guess Loki was treated like a thing rather than a being and did not receive a chance at being his own person so he didn’t blame him for getting overwhelmed when asked that many questions or given that many choices. 

“I’ll open a fresh carton of milk for you. Still sealed, see? It’s plant-based milk because I’m not sure to what extent you digest dairy and the last thing I want is to upset your insides.”

He proceeded to pour the milk into the baby bottle he received from Darcy. Frankly, Tony didn’t have a lot of experience with babies and his trembling hands weren’t helping either but in the end he managed to get everything ready without mistakes. 

“Let’s go.” Whispered Anthony as he smiled at the person in front of him with all the love he could get into the fascial expression and into his soft eyes. 

It took time. It was slow. It was delicate. 

But Tony eventually succeeded into gently picking Loki up, sitting down onto the couch slowly and holding the god against his chest in a protective and caring way as the frail body was comfortably wrapped in a soft blanket and laid to rest in his arms. 

“Are you okay like this?” He had to remind himself to breathe slowly and to not let his own emotions get the better of him, not even when he felt the weight in his arms tremble due to the natural fear respons that came along with being touched. 

The bottle was held in his hand, warm and full but he hesitated, stealing a little glance down. What he saw was a being so fragile, so broken, nervous and hurting but not scared. And that was enough confirmation. 

But as he moved the bottle closer, Loki found the courage to look up and his thin hand was raised in what looked like protest. “Do you want to stop?”

The god didn’t respond to that question but let his hand move forward until it touched the plastic containing the white liquid. Within seconds a soft hue of gold and yellow was visible through the pale skin until it broke free into a subtle cloud wrapping around the cup. 

Loki left his arm in place for a moment before letting out a soft breath and retracting it, settling into the same position he was in before. 

Tony was baffled. Never had the god used the new magic that was put into his body by the healer, at least not deliberately, and thus Stark had no idea what it was capable of or what Loki just did but whatever it was, it seemed to give him some peace so no further questions were asked. 

Were he still to have the arc reactor it would have certainly failed now by how rapidly his heart was beating as he brought the bottle to Loki’s pale lips. Once again he felt like he had made a mistake, as though this was all going to go horribly wrong. 

On top of that he remembered Darcy’s words : ‘it is seen as a sort of final method to try and form a bond. It is believed that if it doesn’t work, you must let go’. 

The tears in his eyes made it hard to see but Tony was set on not looking away from the blue eyes staring at his chest, the strands of black hair following the skinny face, the slow breaths coming and going as though each could be the last one. 

And lastly, 

Pink lips wrapping around the top, softly suckling until the first drops of warm milk reached a starved and once abused mouth.


	76. Unforgiving

Tony couldn’t believe his own eyes. Was he really seeing this? Was it truly Loki in is arms, slowly drinking from the bottle, eyes closed in content and head resting against a man’s chest? 

It took everything to not start sobbing uncontrollably because that would startle the god without doubt and this moment was too fragile to mess up. It was a glass waiting to be shattered and he was not about to drop it. 

All he could do was stare, take it all in. He often caught himself just fixating his attention on the prince, studying every little detail and creating a mental image he never wishes to forget.   
Even after six months Tony was still on edge. He couldn’t shake the feeling that all of this could be over in a second and what’s even worse is that he’s right. 

Never had he seen someone so close to death for so long, barely clinging onto life every passing moment of the day. He knew they had to be extremely careful with Loki and that they needed to get his health on top as soon as possible because right now something as simple as a cold could mean the end for the once so powerful being. 

The other side of the coin was a positive outcome but equally uncertain. If Loki were to survive all this he’d have to make a choice : stay or leave, and to Tony the probability of the god staying here with him sounded extremely small. Because, why would he? 

A part of him wishes Loki would stay like this. Not incredibly close to going to the hereafter of course, but dependent on Anthony, needing his care and affection. 

It was a selfish thing to think, but on the other hand a mere coping mechanism of drowning out the thought of having to let go of Loki one day.

Tony had one wish, though : should the day ever come he’d have to say goodbye to this beautiful being, then please let it be in terms of life and not giving Loki away to the unforgiving claws of Death. 

*

With no free hands, Tony could only push his face against his hoodie to get the tears out of his eyes. He did so very carefully as to not disturb the man resting against him. 

Loki was still slowly sucking on the bottle, swallowing the small gulps every now and then while pressing his face more and more against Stark’s chest, body getting heavy with sleep. 

It was peaceful. So peaceful it even felt magical, as if the moment was meant only for the purest of souls. All if it felt so serene, emotional and intimate, and Tony silently thanked Darcy and the Sikh a thousand times for granting him with this opportunity. 

He couldn’t help but wonder what was going through the god’s head as Loki lay there, body curled up against Stark’s, long legs resting on the couch and limbs safely tucked in under a big blanket. 

His lips eventually found their way to the shiny black hair, planting tender kisses before noticing there was no more sucking on the bottle. Loki was sound asleep, undoubtedly listening to the heart beating next to his head as he seemed truly and utterly peaceful for the first time in six months. 

*

“Hey, love. You’re okay. Everything’s alright.” 

Tony had woken up before the prince, taking a moment to relish in the utter joy that the memories of the previous night brought along. Both Steve and Bucky had been filled in on the situation and the happy news couldn’t have come at a better time. 

Though plane plant-based milk wasn’t enough to keep someone going, it was a good start, especially on top of the tube feeding because every extra bit of nutrients was welcome at the moment. 

Tony did notice Loki looking a bit uncomfortable and immediately looked at Steve for answers. “Is something wrong?” A frown appeared on cap’s face before the simply question : ‘could you lift up the blanket for a second, please?’ 

Much to Stark’s surprise, Steven chuckled softly. “He’s okay, Tony. Loki just desperately needs to use the bathroom, judging by his slightly bulging lower stomach.”

They handed the god the little urinal and gave him some privacy. The last thing the poor thing needed was eyes on him as he inevitably needed to make his private area free to be able to urinate in the plastic container.

Meanwhile, Stark and Rogers had some time to catch up on some events from the past days; improvements, set-backs, remarks, ideas, …

In the end they could conclude Loki was doing remarkably well despite everything but there were some things that needed resolving as soon as possible to guarantee a safe recovery and a good quality of life such as movement. 

They did everything they could to change Loki’s position often so the chance of forming wounds around his ankles, feet and lower back from lying down too long was reduced but the risk always remains so the sooner they can get him to move, rebuild some muscles and regain the strength to walk, the better. 

When they returned to the room, Loki was visibly more at ease and even looked a bit sleepy, still, yet alert as he always was. 

“Would you like some more warm milk?” 

It was hard to get Loki’s attention this time as Steve was attaching a new feeding and a new fluid bag to the array of tubes causing the god to focus on the man moving next to his head rather than on the man sitting before him and asking him a question. 

Though when Tony asked a second time, voice as sweet and gentle as he could, there came a little nod in response.


	77. Grain

There they were again : Tony sitting on the couch, holding Loki while feeding him some warm milk. The god was more alert this time, a bit less at ease even, but he was doing great. After Loki had done that thing with his magic again, he let Stark feed him and slowly but surely drank the liquid. 

“Ah, shit. Who is it?” A nervous glance, a frown and a hesitant answer. “It’s Captain Fury.” 

“Loki, I’m really sorry but I gotta take that phone call. Is it okay if Steve helps you now?” It was a bit sad but he didn’t have the time to wait for the prince’s answer this time, already carefully placing him into Steve’s arms as he took a deep breath before picking up the phone to not sound suspicious. 

“Hello, Stark? Yes. I’ve been meaning to ask you something…”

Anthony didn’t get nervous like this often but upon hearing Fury’s voice he felt like that one time Bucky nearly choked him to death when he accidentally snuck up on the former Winter Soldier. 

“…There’s been some unusual energy readings around Malibu beach. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that?” 

The relief was so great Stark had to pull out a chair and sit down before he could even answer. For a moment he thought Fury had found out about Loki which would mean a great deal of struggle concerning everyone involved but turns out the phone-call was unrelated. 

Or was it? 

They obviously hadn’t been to the beach but unusual energy readings were certainly something to think about. What had caused them and why were they so close to his Malibu home?

“No, actually. I don’t know anything about that but thanks for thinking of me first.” He snorted, just a tad bit of sarcasm in his words. 

“Don’t take it personal, Stark. It’s just a safety procedure. If you do notice anything out of the ordinary, then please contact me or anyone at S.H.I.E.L.D.” 

“Will do, J.”

Before he could endure Captain Fury’s rant on not to call him ‘J’, Tony had already hung up the phone and was pouring himself a cup of liquor. Who cares that it was ten in the morning, a scare like that deserved something to ease the nerves tagging along. 

“He called about some weird energy on Malibu beach that came up on their radars and asked if I knew anything about that.”

It was a mere seconds before Cap picked up on Tony’s agitated behavior : the tapping of legs, the swirling of the alcohol, the pondering look. 

“Go ahead, Tony. We’ll be fine.” 

A last look at Loki was all the confirmation he needed to be out the door, already asking JARVIS to start one of the cars and off he was, off to investigate whatever it was Fury had been talking about. 

Not five minutes after driving along the shore did JARVIS pick up on grouped activity near one of the beach houses and sure enough, as soon as he had parked the car could Tony spot the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and their little army of fancy vehicles, tech and equipment spread out on the sand. 

“Way to be subtle.” He murmured to himself, but then again, subtlety had never been that organization’s strongest suit. 

Tony was descending the stairs leading to the beach when he suddenly felt someone pulling him to the ground. Within a fraction of a second he had the blasters around his hands aimed and ready to shoot but his lightning fast reflexes proved to be no match to his opponent who already had him pinned to the ground, knife pressed against his neck. 

“You must be Anthony Edward Stark.” 

“Who the fuck are you?” He was staring at someone looking as though they came straight from a comic convention, only the knife digging into his skin and the weapon collection tucked into this person’s armory felt very much real and not so much ‘made-out-of-cardboard-y’ 

“Also, why do you sound like Thor?” 

The person currently straddling his waist sat up a bit more, finally allowing Tony to see the face behind the threats and the attack. It was a woman, crushing the air out of his midriff by the cheer force of her thighs and holding his arms down with nothing but her own. 

“Good God, you’re a woman. You know, usually when they sit in my lap they’re not trying to kill me.”

“Thor warned me about you but I never thought we’d actually meet. Anyway, it’s good I found you. Bring me to Loki, you mortal.” 

The look on Tony’s face was one of utter surprise and bitchiness. If it wasn’t for the weapon dangerously close to slicing through his skin or the inhumanly strong person currently pushing his body into the sand he would’ve made a whole lot more snarky comments but this became very personal, very quickly. 

“Okay, first of all you still haven’t answered my question. I’ll add some new ones, too. Who are you, how do you know my name, how are you related to Thor and why are you asking about Loki?” 

A grunt and a deep sigh coming from above him warned him that the woman was not pleased with his talking, yet she seemed ready to compromise. She even got off of him but never lowered the knife, now even holding her free hand above a different weapon strapped to her body. 

“If you must know. 

My name is Lady Sif. I know who you are because Thor talks about you way too often. I’m related to Thor by marriage and I’m asking about Loki because Odin has requested the prince’s presence on Asgard.” 

For the first time since he was knocked to the ground and taken by surprise could Stark take a good look at his attacker. She had beautiful golden hair, much like Thor’s, and the fiercest look he had ever seen on any living creature. In other times it could be fascinating but right now it was rather intimidating. 

“Wait, marriage? As in… Thor’s wife?” 

She rolled her eyes in utter annoyance before answering with a single ‘yes, obviously’ nod but her mood quickly changed into something much darker and much more threatening. 

Sif bend forward, until her face was once again right in front of Tony’s, intense eyes drilling him even further into the grainy sand below him. 

“Now, 

Bring me to Loki.”


	78. His Highness

Tony was grateful for his self-driving car because, honestly, he was too scared to ask the lady sitting next to him to uncuff him. He had already tried everything to secretly get out of the restraints but his tech was no match for this alien magic stuff binding his wrists together. 

As soon as the Audi pulled up to the front door, JARVIS alerted Stark about the person with him not having security clearance, as if he hadn’t noticed the intimidating warrior in his car. “Grant access.” And with that, the magic around his arms disappeared. 

Steve’s raised eyebrows and confused look would have been entertaining were it not for the heated and tense feelings surrounding the whole ‘I have no idea what is happening’ situation. 

“Loki, my love!” Before either of them could react, Sif already had her arms wrapped around the equally confused god, hugging him so tightly it seemed as if his bones would snap on the spot. 

“I’m so happy to see you. How have you been?” When she didn’t get an answer she simply exclaimed ‘still not talking, huh?’ to no one in particular. She just sat there, kindly pushing some loose strands of hair out of Loki face and gliding her thumb over his prominent cheekbone, love and hurt coating her eyes. 

“Can someone explain what is happening?” Steve was now standing up, staring at whatever it was that was going on before his eyes, eager to be informed on this twist of events. 

“This lady attacked and kidnapped me, that’s what happened! Besides she wants to take Loki with her.” Said Stark angrily before redirecting his attention to Sif. “You can’t have him, and if you think this is going down without a fight you’re wrong!” 

“Wow, wow, wow. Take Loki? Why the hell would you take him?” 

For the first time since arriving, Sif took her eyes off the god and turned away from him slightly, now facing the two other men in the room. 

The intense stare was now replaced by a pained look, voice softened significantly.

“It’s Odin. He requested the prince’s presence. Why? I don’t know but I’m sworn to the throne so that’s why I’m here, to bring his highness home.”

“Yeah, no! I don’t fucking think so! Loki stays here, with us. He’s not returning to the man responsible for all the neglect and abuse he went through, over my dead body!” 

The argument was about to go from zero to a hundred real quick but quiet gasps coming from behind them interrupted the yelling. 

“Oh, god. Loki, babe, it’s okay.” Within seconds Tony had him wrapped in his arms, making sure the cold body was still fully wrapped in the blanket as he pressed it against his chest protectively. 

Instantly all other things in the world vanished, all that mattered now was Loki. The soft gasps soon turned into full on sobbing which in turn turned into silent screams and violent trashing much like on those first nights the Odinson was in the mansion. 

Tony shushed and gently rocked the crying mess in his arms, ignoring the violent shocks and attempted pushing away from the broken man. “It’s alright, I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I won’t let you be taken and you are never returning to Odin, you hear me?” 

But no words in the world were going to be enough right now. This reaction was the worst one they had seen by far because right now the fear didn’t stem from strange men but from the thought of having to go back to that horrible place and having to face the man responsible for all of this. 

His eyes were pressed shut, limbs trembling like those of a hypothermic person, lungs begging for air, sobs crashing through his body and a deep fear nestling into every inch of his being. 

Steve was quick to react : injecting a calming drug into the IV’s before Loki could seriously injure himself or even endanger his life to the point of no return. 

All Anthony could do now was hold on for dear life, whispering gentle words through his own tears rolling down his cheeks, face nuzzled against Loki’s. 

“That’s it! Out of my house, now! And don’t you ever come back here again!” 

As soon has the god inevitably passed out, Tony was up on his feet, pointing his blasters straight at Sif’s face. She, however, was remarkably calm, she even looked sad but she wasn’t backing down. “I can’t leave without him.” 

Tony didn’t hesitate this time, firing a heap of energy at her but she was once again too quick, resulting in the blast smashing a hole in the wall behind her. This clearly pissed her off, judging by the battle pose her body was now in. 

Sif set off, running towards Tony with a knife already in her hand, ready to plunge it straight through his chest but right as she was about to something lightning fast moved through the air, stopping her arm at full force. 

“That’s enough.” Growled Bucky as he closed his metal hand around her arm even tighter.


	79. Crumble

“She wants to take Loki back to Asgard!” Tony was erratic by now, panting and nearly screaming at anyone that would listen. He couldn’t be the only one to find that the most absurd idea, right? 

“Back to Asgard? Hell no! Besides, he wouldn’t survive the trip, not a chance!” Chimed Bucky as a threw an angry look at the warrior still firmly in his grasp. 

With one smooth movement Sif yanked her arm free from James’ and took a step back, catching her breath and pushing her armor back in place. “I was never going to bring him back to Asgard, okay?” 

Her comment came as a shock. If she wasn’t planning on taking him there then why was she even here? Why would she make such a claim to begin with? 

Lady Sif took a deep breath and for the first time since the confrontation between her and Tony it looked like they were finally going to have a conversation like adults, shining some light on the situation.

“What Odin did is.. unforgivable,” she began, sitting down next to an unconscious Loki and stroking her fingers through his long hair, “when he banished Loki to earth I was glad, relieved. Even though the chance he would survive was as good as zero, death would be better than what he had to go through in that dungeon and in that cell.

Thor and I are sworn to the throne and we must obey orders. Odin sentencing Loki was heartbreaking but there was nothing we could do, at least not without risking getting banished. I know it’s no excuse but the cells on Asgard actually aren’t that bad, especially not for a prince. 

However, our suspicions grew when we couldn’t find him in any of the cells. When Thor figured out where the prince was and saw him half beaten to death, all hell broke loose. We thought once Loki was moved to a regular cell, he’d be okay but turns out the guards used all kinds of tricks and spells to disguise what was still going on in there. 

I can never forgive myself for what happened to him, for not realizing sooner what was truly happening and for nearly losing him.” 

Sif angrily wiped the tears from her eyes and in that moment, something changed. Her voice grew deeper and her glance became colder. 

“I’ve been working on taking down Odin. He needs to pay for what he did. No matter how severe someone’s crimes are, they don’t deserve all that torture and abuse. Who even lets that happen to his own child? But then again, he never loved Loki. 

I can still remember that day Loki found out the truth, that he simply had been taken as a leverage for a peace treaty and that he belonged to the race Asgardians hate so much. It broke him, something inside him snapped and he’s never been the same since.

I swear on my place in Valhalla that I will make Odin suffer for what he did. When he asked me to bring him Loki, he never told me why. It only tells me he found out the Laufeyson is still alive and probably just wants him back in the palace to resume the neglect and probably kill him. 

For the past few months I’ve been betraying the king while keeping up the appearance I’m still dutiful to him, all so I can take him down and watch him crumble when the time is right. But I obviously can’t blow my cover so I came here, like he asked. 

My plan was to take Loki to another planet and bring an imposer back to Asgard, not like Odin could tell the difference anyway. It wasn’t a plan for the long run but it can work for now. So please, just don’t fight this and let me have him.”

Tony could only roll his eyes, annoyance drooping off of him while he stood there with his arms crossed in front of his chest. “Yeah, your speech was very nice, lady. But how can we know you’re speaking the truth? Like Bucky said, there’s no way Loki will survive a trip like that. And what about the long run, have you thought about that?” 

Her eyes were pinned to the floor this time, possibly coming to a realization that this wasn’t the best plan after all. “I must admit he’s in worse shape than I thought and I can barely sense any magic within his body. No matter what, we’ll have to find a solution. Loki can’t stay here.”


	80. Protection

“If Odin found out Loki is still alive, it probably won’t be that hard for him to figure out where he is. So, as I said, he can’t stay here.” 

“Fucking hell…” Tony rubbed his hands over his burning eyes, taking a big gulp of the freshly poured scotch in his glass before even attempting to make sense. There weren’t many options. Loki can’t stay here but he also can’t survive a big trip. That’s it, that’s the end of it. 

“Can’t you, like, use magic or something? Create a barrier around us so Odin can’t find us? Just… anything!” He was desperate, terrified he was about to loose Loki. 

A soft sigh declared Sif’s defeat. She shook her head softly. “I cannot. Perhaps the Healer can. I’ll send him down but on one condition : Loki comes with me if the spell doesn’t work.”

She brushed her hands through the tangled black hair one last time and gently lifted Loki’s head, planting a soft kiss on his lips before standing up and announcing her departure. 

“I can see he’s in good hands here. Please continue to take good care of him.” 

*

As promised, the Healer arrived at the mansion not 24 hours later, leaving a big burning mark created by the Bifrost on Tony’s well-kept lawn, much to his annoyance but there were more important things to worry about right now. 

After Loki had woken up, mere minutes later than Sif’s goodbye, he had been extremely silent and distant, more so than usual. He refused to make eye contact with anyone and every word spoken to him or every question asked remained without a reaction, making Tony wonder how they’ll ever fix this. 

The Healer’s spell turned out to work though. After a few nerve wracking minutes of magic flowing through the air and strange spells being uttered, a dome of blue light cascaded over the mansion before becoming invisible to the eye. 

“Protection.” Said the man. “Not for long.” And off he was again. 

After the whole ordeal, both Steve and Bucky fell asleep on the couch, wrapped up in each other’s arms and completely exhausted after having their day-night schedule repeatedly disturbed.   
Loki was back in his bed, sleeping just as profoundly with Panda curled up next to him and purring softly. 

“Ah, why not?” Decided Tony, settling himself on the couch in Loki’s room. JARVIS was now programmed to wake him up in case any of the god’s vitals changed or if anything was wrong, so he could close his eyes in trust. 

It was the first time in nearly seven months that all of them were asleep at the same time, a strange wave of calmness floating through the house. 

*

When Tony woke up it was around one a.m., Bucky was in the room looking after Loki and the atmosphere was as serene as could be, not a sound to be heard except for the subtly noises James’ metal arm made upon movement. 

“Hey.” Smiled Bucky as he noticed the other man was now awake. He was wiping some sweat from Loki’s forehead while simultaneously keeping a close eye on the monitor. “It looked like he was about to be wrapped up in another nightmare but he calmed down before it escalated.” 

The announcement was somewhat relieving. Stark had half suspected Loki was up for a rough night with all the memories the previous day undoubtedly had brought upon him. Hearing everything was under control so far came as a nice surprise. 

“Thank you.” 

He was genuinely thankful for Bucky and Steve and everything they had sacrificed to be able to be here by his side, taking care of someone they had no obligations towards. 

Now that Anthony was awake anyway, he might as well do something useful so he made his way to the garage, ignoring JARVIS’ witty remarks as he made his way down the stairs. “Open folder sixteen, part eight.” 

Immediately, a holographic image of some sort of exoskeleton popped up. It was originally designed for Rhodey to help the soldier walk again after his accident, perhaps a similar tech could help getting Loki back up on his feet after the months of being bedridden and the previous starvation and muscle loss he underwent. 

He would have asked Rhodey to come down here and show the tech to Loki himself were it not for the huge risks attached, especially after lady Sif’s visit. All he could do was show the god some videos of the Colonel’s recovery to help him understand what all of it was about. 

The first rays of sunshine were already illuminating the dining-slash-living room when he made his way up the stairs and it actually made him smile a bit, feeling safer now the Healer had put a spell around the house. 

Though it may not be a long term solution, it was better than living in fear.


End file.
